THE ONE WITH THE REVENGE

 

Written by:†† Ethan

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey and Phoebe are present)

 

Monica:So Courteney came back?

 

Rachel:Yeah, and Joey left with her last night.I hope he doesnít do something stupid.

 

Ross:Maybe heíll handcuff her and throw her in the East River.

 

Rachel:Thatís not nice Ross.

 

Ross:Nice? After what she did to him?She took all his stuff!He should throw her off the Brooklyn Bridge!

 

Chandler:Knowing Joey, he doesnít know where the Brooklyn Bridge is.††

 

Monica:Maybe heíll act like heís forgiven her and then handcuff her to her bed and leave her there.

 

Rachel:Monica!Youíre as bad as them!

 

Monica:Oh really, what would you do Rach?

 

Rachel:Iíd drive her upstate to a Bed and Breakfast Inn.

 

Ross:Youíd reward her?

 

Rachel:You didnít let me finish.Iíd strip her naked, handcuff her to the bed, take her clothes and money and take off.

 

Ross:Thatís the woman I fell in love with.

 

Rachel (to Ross):Yeah, I was gonna do it to you after the ďwe were on a breakĒ incident but I never got around to it.

 

(Camera cuts to Ross who is mortified)

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before Ė Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:Hey guys!

 

Chandler:Whereíve you been Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:I was with Peter.

 

Ross:Whoís Peter?

 

Monica:According to Chandler itís the thing in his pants.

 

Rachel:You named your thing?

 

Chandler (embarrassed):No.Whoís Peter Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:The guy I slept with an hour after Joey and I broke it off, and apparently the thing in your pants.

 

Monica:You only waited an hour after breaking up with Joey to sleep with someone else?

 

Phoebe:Yeah, but donít judge me, Joey only waited a half hour to sleep with Laura.

 

Ross:Whoís Laura?

 

Phoebe:Duh, itís the girl that Joey slept with.

 

Rachel:Well you both beat Rossí record of three hours.

 

Ross:Donít go there Rachel.

 

Rachel:Come on Ross, itís from our past.

 

Ross:Still.

 

Monica:Well Chandler and I must be going we have an appointment.Letís go Chandler.

 

Ross:Who are they seeing?

 

Chandler:I donít know but Iím obviously going.

 

(Chandler and Monica leave)

 

Rachel:Theyíre going to see our counselor, Dr. Brady Guertin.

 

Ross:Theyíre going to see the quack we went to right before we got married?He doesnít solve problems, he creates them.

 

Phoebe:What does that mean?

 

Rachel:Ross feels that Dr. Guertin sided with me on the ďwe were on a breakĒ thing and he hates him for it.

 

Phoebe:Well of course he did, we all know Ross was wrong.

 

Ross:Thatís not what you said after it happened Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:I did not!Heís lying Rachel.

 

Rachel:I really donít care at this point Phoebe.

 

Ross:Thatís not what you said to that quack.

 

Phoebe:AnywayÖ.has anyone seen Joey and Courteney?

 

Rachel:No.Are they back together?

 

Phoebe:I donít know.I was just asking if youíd seen them since last night.

 

Rachel:What happened last night between them Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:I donít know.I just heard that she was back in town.

 

Rachel:How did you know?You werenít around when Courteney showed up.††

 

Phoebe:Gunther told me about it.

 

Rachel:Gunther wasnít working last night.

 

Ross:What did you do Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:I didnít do anything.

 

Ross:Did you contact Courteney?

 

Phoebe:Me?

 

Rachel:Oh my God, you contacted Courteney right before you broke up with Joey!

 

Phoebe:I did not!

 

Rachel:Phoebe?

 

Phoebe:Ok, ok, ok, I have a confession to make.I called Courteney two weeks ago and told her that Joey was still in love with her.

 

JOEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with Courteney)

 

Courteney:So are you glad I came back?

 

Joey:At first I was pissed, but after the third time of doing it with you, I became convinced that I was glad that you came back.

 

Courteney:You mean to tell me that you were mad at me while we were having sex?

 

Joey:Pretty much.

 

Courteney:Youíre a pig!

 

Joey:Well youíre a thief.You took all of my stuff!

 

Courteney (jumping out of bed):Iím leaving!

 

Joey:Donít let the door hit you on the way out!

 

Courteney:Havenít you missed this?

 

Joey:Missed what?

 

Courteney:Us fighting.

 

Joey (getting out bed and hugging Courteney):Iíve really missed you.Letís go away tonight to an upstate Bed & Breakfast.

 

Courteney:Really?

 

Joey:Really.Itíll be fun. Trust me.††††

 

DR. BRADY GUERTINíS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Dr. Guertin:So what brings you two into my life?

 

Chandler:Pardon me?

 

Dr. Guertin:What brings you and Monica here Chandler?

 

Monica:Rachel, my best friend, recommended you.You help her and my brother Ross right before they got married.

 

Dr. Guertin:Ah yes, Ross and Rachel Geller, the ďwe were on a break coupleĒ.

 

Chandler:Geez, everyone knows that story.

 

Dr. Guertin:So why are you guys here?

 

Monica:Weíve been having marital problems.

 

Chandler:We have?Why didnít you tell me?

 

Dr. Guertin:Ok, I see part of the problem.What else?

 

Chandler:Thereís more?

 

Monica:We havenít had sex in four weeks.

 

Chandler:Do we really have to talk about that, it makes me feel so inadequate.

 

Dr. Guertin:Go on Monica.

 

Monica:I had a miscarriage two months ago and recently Iíve been feeling like I never wanna have sex with Chandler again.

 

Dr. Guertin:And thatís why you guys havenít had sex in four weeks?

 

Monica:Yes.

 

Chandler:And here I thought it was because I spilled coffee all over the rug.

 

Monica:Yeah, itís partly that too.

 

Dr. Guertin:So youíre obsessive/compulsive about cleanliness.

 

Chandler:You got that right.Are we done yet?

 

Monica:Chandler, knock it off.Excuse my husband, he gets really obnoxious when heís uncomfortable.

 

Dr. Guertin:Do you love Chandler Monica?

 

Monica:Yes.

 

Dr. Guertin:Do you love Monica Chandler?

 

Chandler:She completes me.

 

Dr. Guertin:Thatís not what I asked.Do you love her?

 

Chandler:Yes.

 

Dr. Guertin:Do you want to have sex with Chandler again Monica?

 

Monica:Yes.

 

Dr. Guertin:Do you want to have sex with Monica again Chandler?

 

Chandler:If we donít have sex again soon my right hand is gonna have blisters the size of Texas. (cut to Monica who is laughing)

 

Dr. Guertin:Iíll take that as a yes.And itís good that you laughed at that comment Monica, it shows that you really do care about Chandlerís needs.Ok, the first thing we need to talk about is the miscarriage that you both suffered.

 

Monica:Ah, Chandler didnít have the miscarriage, I did.

 

Dr. Guertin:Yes, physically it happened to you, but emotionally, it affected Chandler as well.

 

Monica:I never looked at it that way.

 

Chandler (tears filling his eyes):All you had to do was ask.

 

Dr. Guertin:I guess your husband isnít always the class clown.††

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are present)

Rachel (to Phoebe):Why in the heck did you do that?

 

Phoebe:Do what?

 

Rachel:What da ya mean do what?Whyíd you call Courteney and tell her that Joey was still in love with her?

 

Phoebe:Because.

 

Ross:Thatís it?Just because?

 

Phoebe:Itís complicated.

 

Rachel:Did Joey tell you this or did you make it up?

 

Phoebe:He told me.

 

Ross:Really?When?

 

Phoebe:Well we were at his place and we were taking a nap on the couch.I woke up and Joey was talking in his sleep.He kept saying Courteneyís name over and over again.

 

Ross:And from that you got that Joey was still in love with her?He couldíve been dreaming that he was pummeling her to her death.

 

Phoebe:Donít you think I knew that?

 

Rachel:Well did you?

 

Phoebe:Not exactly.

 

Rachel: Phoebe, youíre an idiot.

 

Phoebe:Am I?Then why havenít Joey or Courteney showed up at all today?

 

Ross:Joey probably killed her, got arrested, and is rotting in jail.

 

Phoebe:Donít you wish.Joey spent the night with Courteney.

 

Rachel:How do you know that?

 

Phoebe:I called over to Joeyís this morning.Courteney answered the phone.

 

Rachel:Joeyís gone and done something stupid again.

 

DR. BRADY GUERTINíS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Dr. Guertin:So you see Monica, your miscarriage affected Chandler in a great way.

 

Monica (to Chandler):Why didnít you say anything to me?

 

Chandler:I knew you were dealing with your own stuff, I didnít wanna bother you with my feelings.

 

Monica:I never knew you had feelings.

 

Chandler:Iím a complicated man.

 

Dr. Guertin:And Monica, you should have shared with Chandler that you felt detached from him.Take his right hand, look at the calluses, the poor man was going to lose the use of his right hand if you continued to stifle your feelings about your miscarriage.

 

Monica (to Chandler):Youíve been playing with yourself again?††

 

Chandler:Iíve been treating it like it was a kiddie playground.

 

Monica: Oh honey, Iím so sorry.When we get back to the apartment weíre making love for the rest of the day.

 

Chandler:I know my hand appreciates that.

 

ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Rachel:Are you ready yet?

 

Ross:Iím not going.

 

Rachel:For the last time Ross, youíre going.Itís a simple dinner.

 

Ross:The last time we had dinner with your Mom she felt me up.

 

Rachel:My sisters will be there too.Itís not gonna happen again.

 

Ross:Yeah youíre probably right.Jill or Laura will probably be the ones to feel me up this time.

 

Rachel:Iíll call my Mom and tell her we canít make it.

 

(knock on the door)

 

Ross:Come in.

 

(Joey enters)

 

Ross:Well look what the cat dragged in.

 

Joey:Hey.Do you guys still have those handcuffs I lent you?

 

Ross:Yeah, theyíre in the bathroom.

 

Joey:Why are they in the bathroom?

 

Ross:Do you want me to answer that?

 

Joey:No.I need them.Could you get them please?

 

Ross:Sure, hold on.

 

(Ross leaves, Rachel enters from the kitchen)

 

Rachel:Hey Joe.

 

Joey:How you doin?

 

Rachel:So youíre up to your neck in stupidity again eh?

 

Joey:What?

 

Rachel:Have you lost your mind?What are you doing taking Courteney back?

 

Joey:Look Rachel, I didnít judge you when decided to give Ross another chance, so back off.

 

Rachel:Are you saying youíre still in love with her?

 

Joey:Maybe.

 

Rachel:I just donít want to see you get hurt again Joey.

 

Joey:Iíll be fine Rach.

 

(Ross returns)

 

Ross (throwing the handcuffs to Joey):Here you go.Thanks for letting us borrow them.

 

Rachel:Aw, youíre taking the handcuffs back?

 

Joey:Rach, youíre four months pregnant, what possible use could you have for the handcuffs?

 

Rachel:Youíd be surprised if I told you.

 

Ross:Why do need them Joe?

 

Joey:Courteney and I are going to a Bed and Breakfast Inn upstate tonight.You know, to celebrate us getting back together.I thought we might have a little fun.Ok, I gotta go get Courteney.See ya later.

 

(Joey leaves)

 

Ross:Did you cancel dinner with your Mom?

 

Rachel:Yeah.But Dad beeped in while I was on the phone with Mom and now weíre having dinner with him.

 

Ross:You better be kidding.

 

Rachel:Better get your coat, heíll be here in five minutes.

 

Ross:Rachel!

 

CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)†††††††††††

 

Chandler:And sheís back!

 

Monica:I got back four times baby!

 

Chandler:Now thatís what I call making love.

 

Monica:Donít get all mushy on me.

 

Chandler:Iíve really missed this.

 

Monica:Me too.Wanna do it again?

 

Chandler:I canít.

 

Monica:Why not?

 

Chandler:Youíve tired him out.He wonít stand up anymore.

 

Monica (standing up on the bed naked):Will he stand up now?

 

Chandler (checking under the covers):And heís back at attention.

 

BED & BREAKFAST INN Ė UPSTATE NEW YORK (Courteney and Joey are in their room)

 

Courteney:So what da ya wanna do?

 

Joey (holding up the handcuffs):I wanna have some fun.

 

Courteney:Ew, youíre such a bad boy.What do you want me to do?

 

Joey:How about we both get completely naked and then Iíll handcuff you to the bed and do those things you like.

 

Courteney:Ok!

 

(Courteney and Joey take off their clothes.Joey joins Courteney on the bed and then handcuffs her to it.)

 

Courteney:Oh, Iíve missed you.

 

Joey:Iím gonna turn off the lights.

 

Courteney:Great idea.(a few minutes of silence)Joey?Joey what are you doing?

 

Joey:Iím getting my surprise ready for you.Close your eyes and think of the best thing that I can give you.

 

Courteney:Is it a ring?

 

Joey:Maybe.No talking now.

 

Courteney:Hurry up Iím getting cold.My nipples could cut glass.

 

Joey (turning on the lights, fully dressed):See ya Courteney.

 

Courteney:What?What are you doing?

 

Joey:Iím screwing you over the way you screwed me over.Have a nice life.

 

Courteney:Joey! Joey! You canít leave me like this!Iím completely naked!

 

Joey:Now you know how I felt when I found out that you took all of my stuff! See ya Courteney!

 

(Joey leaves)

 

Courteney:Joey!Joey!Joey, you bastard!Iím gonna get you for this!

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

 

Phoebe:So he took her to a Bed & Breakfast upstate?

 

Rachel:Yeah.I hope he knows what heís doing.

 

Ross:Joeyíll be fine.

 

Chandler:Do you guys wanna know what Monica and I did today?

 

Phoebe:No, not really.

 

Monica:We had sex.

 

Phoebe:Congratulations, so did I.(to Ross and Rachel) How about you guys?

 

Rachel:Not yet.Although I think Ross had sex with himself.

 

Ross:You heard that?

 

Monica:No guys, it was the first time Chandler and I had sex in four weeks.

 

Chandler:Yeah, we did it five times.It was just like when we started going out and were hiding our relationship from you guys.

 

Ross:And once again I wish that you wouldnít talk about my sisterís sex life.

 

(Joey enters)

 

Joey:Hey.

 

Phoebe:Did it work?

 

Joey:Like a charm.

 

Rachel:What are you doing here and did what work?

 

Joey:Mine and Phoebeís plan.

 

Ross:Which was?

 

Joey:To get back at Courteney for stealing all my stuff.

 

Chandler:You didnít kill her did you?

 

Joey:Even better.

 

Monica:You threw her off the Brooklyn Bridge?

 

Joey:The Brooklyn Bridge?Whereís that?

 

Chandler:I told you he didnít know where it was.

 

Ross:What did you do to her?

 

Joey:We stripped naked.I handcuffed her to the bed, turned off the lights, got dressed and then told her I was leaving.I left her handcuffed to the bed completely naked.Needless to say, she was very unhappy.

 

Phoebe:Did you remember to bring her clothes?

 

Joey:Damn it!I knew I forgot something.

 

Rachel:Hey, Joey did what I wouldíve done to her!

 

Phoebe:Yeah, thatís where we got the idea from.

 

Rachel:I told you about that idea.

 

Phoebe:Rachel, you told everyone that idea after Ross cheated on you.Itís a surprise that you never did do it to Ross.

 

Rachel:Our life together is over yet.


CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

 

Monica (to Joey):Wait a minute.You said this was yours and Phoebeís plan.When did you guys think this up?

 

Phoebe:Over pizza at Tonyís a couple of weeks ago.

 

Chandler:So you guys breaking up was just a charade?

 

Joey:No, that was real.

 

Ross:Well if you knew that you were gonna get revenge on Courteney, then why did you act so surprised when she showed up?

 

Phoebe:Because I told Joey that I couldnít get a hold of her.I had to make sure that he was surprised in order for the plan to work.

 

Rachel:Did the plan include Joey having sex with her?

 

Joey:What plan involving me wouldnít have me having sex with someone?

 

Rachel:Right, youíre Joey.