THE ONE WITH THE PARTY
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
WARNING: This fanfic contains strong sexual content. It is not intended for readers under the age of 18.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, except the children)
Rachel: How was Bermuda?
Monica: It was totally fun. I so want to go back.
Chandler: Yes, getting a sunburn on my groin was a fabulous experience.
Ross: You got a sunburn, ah, down there?
Chandler: Yes. It made making love to your sister very unpleasant.
Ross: Forget I asked.
Joey (to Chandler): I can't believe you didnít bring me back anything from Bermuda! If I went somewhere, I'd bring you something back.
Phoebe: Did you bring Chandler anything went you went to Canada?
Chandler: Then why should I be expected to bring you something back?
Joey: It's the nice thing to do.
Chandler: Then why didnít you bring me anything back from Canada?
Joey: Because I'm not a nice person.
Jenna: Amen to that.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica: Chandler and I thought of something while we were on the plane.
Phoebe: Oh let me guess! It was, it was, it was that you finally realized how much Chandler really annoys you.
Chandler: No! I'm not annoying. I'm a blast to be with. Tell her Monica.
Monica: Well you can be a little annoying sometimes.
Chandler: There goes your new Porsche.
Monica: You can't even afford a new Porsche. (to the rest) We were thinking that we haven't done anything as a group in a while so Chandler and I thought we'd have a Christmas party at the flat.
Rachel: With kids?
Monica: No, no kids, just us adults.
Phoebe: Sorry Joey, you can't come.
Ross: A party? What, are we 21?
Rachel: You are such a baby.
Joey: In that case, Ross isn't allowed to go either. Don't worry Ross, we'll have our own party.
Monica: It'll be fun. It'll be like a dinner party.
Phoebe: Then I'm not coming. I can't eat your cooking I get sick every time I do.
Monica: Thanks for the compliment Phoebe.
Phoebe: I do my best.
Monica: I'm gonna have the restaurant cater and have waiters and everything. All you have to do is show up.
Joey: Will there be alcohol?
Monica: Yeah, why?
Joey: Well your parties are normally really boring, so I wanna make sure I won't remember it the next morning.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica and Chandler are present. The place is decorated for Christmas. Chandler and Monica are dressed up)
Monica (emerging from their bedroom): Chandler!
Chandler: For God's sake woman, now what?!
Monica: Get your feet off the coffee table! I just cleaned it!
Chandler: You know what, I should just live in a bubble. Then you couldn't yell at me because I had my own bubble to live in. They'd call me the bubble boy.
Monica: They already call you the bubble boy.
Monica: Joey and Ross call you the bubble boy behind your back because you take bubble baths.
Chandler: Oh. Wait a minute, how'd they find out about that?
Monica: Beats me.
Chandler: You bitch.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Hey. Wow, the place looks great.
Chandler: Thank you, I worked very hard.
Monica: You didn't do anything!
Chandler: Hey, supervising takes a lot of work.
Monica: Is that what they call sitting on the couch with your hand down your pants?
Ross: No, that's called masturbation.
(Joey and Jenna enter)
Jenna: Wow Chandler, the place looks great.
Monica: He didn't do anything!
Jenna: But Chandler told me at work how he spent all weekend decorating the place for the party.
Monica: Sitting on the couch with his hand down his pants is not decorating!
Joey: No, that's called playing with yourself. Where's the beer?
Chandler: There's no beer. There's only wine and spirits.
Joey: What?! Was Ross in charge of bringing the alcohol again?
Monica: This is a classy party Joey, there's no beer, only wine and spirits.
Joey: In that case you'd better hide the bottle of Captain Morgan from Rachel.
Rachel: There's Captain Morgan?
Phoebe: Sorry I'm late. My clam wouldn't come when I told it to.
Ross: You have a pet clam?
Phoebe: All women have a pet clam. That's what makes us different from men.
Rachel: Phoebe! That's gross!
Phoebe: Like you don't play with your clam.
(Jennifer, Brad and Courteney enter)
Jennifer: Hello all.
Joey: What's Courteney doing here? I thought we said no kids.
Monica: Well since we made an exception for you Joey, I thought we'd extend the courtesy to Brad and Jennifer.
Phoebe: Couldnít find a babysitter?
Brad: No. The babysitter we used last time didn't work out well.
Ross: What happened?
Jennifer: She stole all of my pictures of Brad.
Rachel: Well at least she didn't steal anything valuable.
Brad: I don't know about that, I had to go out and buy new underwear too.
Phoebe: She stole your underwear? How could you not have seen her leave with your underwear?
Brad: She apparently was wearing all of it.
Joey: Thank God I won't have that problem once the baby's born. I don't wear underwear. I walk around free as a bird.
(cut to an hour later. The gang is eating at the table)
Joey: Yo waiter, can I get some more of this pasta crap?
Monica: Joey! Show some manners.
Joey: Sorry. Excuse me miss, can I get some more of this pasta crap?
Brad (drunk): Is there any more wine?
Waitress: Yes. Would you like red or white?
Brad: Surprise me. You have a nice ass by the way.
Jennifer (drunk): Brad! I already told you that she's my partner for the evening! I think you've had enough!
Brad (slowly): If I thought that I wouldn't be drinking more wine now would I?
Chandler (slurring his words): I'll take another seven and seven please.
Monica: Chandler, you're already two sheets to the wind. I think you've had enough.
Chandler (still slurring): I'm totally fine honey. (getting up and walking around) See, I can totally walk straight and everything. (goes to sit down but misses his chair and falls to the floor) Who moved my chair? (to Ross) Did you move my chair?
Ross: I'm sitting all the way across the table from you. How could I move your chair?
Chandler: I dunno. Did anyone ever tell you that you're a very handsome man?
Joey: Chandler's definitely drunk, he's hitting on Ross again.
Rachel (who is drunk): I told him that this morning in the shower!
Chandler: Does he have a largeÖ..
Rachel: It's huge! It's my own personal playground! I like to go up and down on it like I'm a carousel horse!
Rachel: Oh shut up, you love every minute of it!
Phoebe: So this is what college was like? Sitting around and getting blitzed.
Joey: Don't look at me, I did all of this in high school. No college would accept me.
Ross: That's because you didn't finish high school until you were 32.
Joey: Hey, at least I finally finished!
(Cut to an hour later. Everyone but Jenna is drunk. The waiters have left.)
Monica: It's porno time!
Chandler: In and Out and In Again?
Monica: Would there by any other choice? (puts the video in the VCR)
Phoebe: I prefer all girl porn, but if this is all that you have, then let's watch it.
Jennifer: I haven't seen one of these in a long time.
Joey: You should come to my house, Jenna and I are constantly making movies.
Jenna: Joey! That's between us!
Ross: Not anymore.
Phoebe: Ok there Rachel?
Rachel: There's no more Captain Morgan!
Ross: How can that be? You're the only one drinking it.
Rachel: Well excuse me for having a drinking problem. What goes with Captain Morgan?
Monica: Based on your history, a clean porcelain toilet.
Chandler: Yeah, I wouldn't get sick in our toilet Rachel, I dropped a bomb in there an hour ago and it was a messy one.
Rachel: No problemo, I made a pact with myself, no puking tonight. Ew, there's Jack Daniels.
Jennifer: I made a similar pact.
Jennifer: Yeah, my pact is that I won't make love to Brad tonight. He left the toilet seat up again.
Phoebe: Can I?
Jennifer: Go for it!
Brad: What am I supposed to do? Piss on the toilet seat?
Monica: That's what Chandler does.
Phoebe: I've got something else to liven up the party.
Phoebe: A little pot.
Jenna: Damn it Joey! Why did you have to knock me up?! I can't drink, I can't get high, the only thing I can do is sit here and watch you guys!
Joey: It must suck being you.
Ross: Cool, I haven't gotten high since college.
Chandler: Which you blamed on me by the way.
Rachel: Save some for me.
Monica: Ah, this is the life. Booze, drugs and watching sex on the tube.
Joey: Christ Monica, save some for everyone else!
(cut to 90 minutes later. The movie is over. The group is drunk, stoned and rather horny)
Joey: Yeah sweetie?
Jenna: I need to show you something in the bathroom.
Joey: Don't be shy Jenna, you can show me here. (Jenna whispers something in Jenna's ear) We'll be in the bathroom if anyone needs us.
Phoebe: Do you need a third?
Joey: The more the better! (Jenna glares at Joey) Actually, what we had in mind only takes two.
Phoebe: Not if you want it to be a magical experience.
Joey (looking at Jenna, who is glaring at him): Sorry, we can do the magic show some other time.
Phoebe: This sucks, everyone here has someone to have sex with and I only have myself.
Monica: You're not alone there Pheebs, Chandler's been regulated to having sex by himself again. And who knows who might still show up.
Phoebe: Can I bang Chandler then?
Brad: Hey! I thought you wanted to bang me!
Jennifer: Sorry sweetie, she gets sloppy seconds. And that's only if you're not completely worn out after I'm done with you. (to Monica) Can we borrow your shower?
Monica: Yeah, go for it. Chandler, I'm commuting your sentence, it's time to get it up.
Chandler: I don't know if that's gonna be possible. I'm really drunk and stoned.
Monica: So? So am I.
Chandler: Yes, but alcohol and pot doesn't dampen your abilities the way it does a guy's.
Monica: Well let's try. It's not like you had any abilities to begin with.
Chandler: That's definitely the way to get me to have sex with you. Insult me. Forget it, I'm not doing it.
Monica: You can ride me until the sun comes up, but only after I blow your mind.
Chandler: That'll do it.
(Monica and Chandler go out onto the balcony)
Phoebe (to Ross and Rachel): I suppose you two are gonna go do it in the bedroom.
Rachel: Yeah baby! I'm gonna get laid!
Ross: I'm really not in the mood Rach. The pot's really mellowed me out.
Rachel: Well get into the mood or I'm gonna get laid by the next guy who walks through that door!
Ross: There're no other guys here Rachel!
Rachel: Then I'll just have to be like you and play with myself in front of you.
Ross (to Phoebe): Tell the others not to come in the master bedroom.
(Ross and Rachel go out into the master bedroom)
Phoebe: Well this is just great. Everyone's getting some and I'm stuck with playing with myself. Hell if Gunther walked through that door right now, I'd let him do me. (There's a knock on the door) No, no, I was just kidding around! (Phoebe answers the door - it's John) What are you doing here?
John: Monica invited me to stop by.
Phoebe: Well she's pleasing her husband at the moment, but I'll tell her that you stopped by. See you later. (goes to shut the door)
John (pushing the door open): I didn't come to see Monica, I came to see you.
Phoebe: What do you want?
John: A date.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I've switched to the other team.
John: Then bring your girlfriend along with you.
Phoebe: She's not into men.
John: Neither am I.
Phoebe: I thought all Priests were gay.
John: They are, thatís why I left the Priesthood, I'm not gay.
Phoebe: I'm not interested, goodnight.
(A high-pitched scream comes from the bedroom)
John: What was that?
Phoebe: That was Rachel. Ross must've put it in the wrong hole again.
John: What does that mean?
Phoebe: What da ya mean what does that mean?
John: I wouldn't be asking if I knew what you meant.
Phoebe: Are, are, are you a virgin?
John: No. I've had sex before, after all I did have a girlfriend in college.
Phoebe: So? That doesn't mean anything. You would've known what I meant if you'd had had sex before.
John: Are you drunk?
Phoebe: Very. And I totally stoned too.
John: Where's everyone else?
Phoebe: Playing hide the salami with their partner.
John: And what does that entail?
Phoebe: Are you kidding me with this?
Phoebe: Hide the salami is a game a guy and a girl play. Itís kinda like launching an invasion into the wet forest of truth or riding the baloney pony.
John: So it's a sexual game.
John: Do you wanna play?
Phoebe: With you? I donít think so.
John: Why not?
Phoebe: Because I only play with people that I like.
John: You don't like me?
Phoebe: Not in that way.
John: Why not?
Phoebe: I already told you why!
John: Refresh my memory.
Phoebe: I don't sleep with Priests.
John: But I'm not a Priest.
Phoebe: You were a Priest.
John: But I'm not anymore.
Phoebe: Look, why don't you just leave so I can play by myself before everyone else finishes.
John: But I want to play with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, but I'm not a willing play partner. Now beat it.
(cut to Ross and Rachel in the bedroom)
Ross: I'll be right back.
Rachel: Where're you going?
Ross: To get something.
Rachel: What are you gonna get?
Ross: Chandler and Monica keep the handcuffs in the shower.
Rachel: I love handcuffs! Do you know where they are?
Ross: Duh, I just said that they're in the bathroom. (Ross goes into the master bathroom) Brad?
Ross: Do you see Chandler's handcuffs in there?
Brad: Ah, yeah.
Ross: Can you pass them out?
Brad: Um, we're kind of using them at the moment.
Ross: Oh, ok. Have fun. (Ross goes to leave)
Brad: Come in here for a second.
Jennifer: I have something very special that I want to show you.
Ross: Um, ah, I don't think Rachel would be too keen on that. The last time I was with someone else when we were together she dumped me.
Brad: Then go get Rachel. I'll explain it to her.
(Rachel enters the master bathroom)
Rachel: What's taking you so long? I'm drying up out here!
Brad: Then jump in the shower with us, it's really wet in here.
Jennifer: Come in the shower with us.
Rachel: To, to, to, to do what?
Jennifer: Well you're never gonna know if you don't come in here.
(Rachel looks at Ross and Ross looks at Rachel. Rachel shrugs her shoulders and enters the shower)
Ross: Wait for me! (Ross goes into the shower)
Rachel: So what did you have in mind? (pause) Ross, stop it! I'm trying to concentrate on what Brad and Jen want to tell us.
Brad: That wasn't Ross.
Rachel: Oh my God! That feels like a monster!
Jennifer: Are you sure you don't mind Rachel?
Rachel: Hell no! I'm about to have sex with a movie star!
Jennifer (sliding down Ross' chest): Don't be jealous Ross, you're about to have sex with a movie star too. Trust me, this won't hurt a bit.
Ross: Oh mama!
(cut to Phoebe and John in the family room)
Phoebe: Why are you still here?
John: Because, because, I want to hang out with you.
Phoebe: I just wanna have fun by myself, so please leave.
John: I could give you a hand.
Phoebe: I don't need a hand, I only need a couple of fingers.
John: Then you could borrow some of my fingers.
Phoebe: I don't think so.
John: You're more frigid than a glacier!
Phoebe: No, I just don't wanna have sex with you. Trust me, I just spent 90 minutes watching porn, I'm so wet my lower region has turned into a tropical rain forest. (There's a knock on the door) Who the hell is that? Mitch?
John: Who's Mitch?
Phoebe: More of a man than you'll ever be. (Phoebe gets the door. It's two police officers)
Officer #1: Hello Phoebe, it's good to see you again.
Phoebe: You've got nothing on me this time Sergeant Quadros, I haven't done anything wrong.
Sgt. Quadros: We're not here for you. We're here for the exhibitionist couple on the balcony.
Phoebe: Oh, in that case, the balcony's right over there.
Sgt. Quadros: Thanks.
(The police officers go out onto the balcony)
John: Who's out on the balcony?
Phoebe: A soon to be arrested Chandler and Monica.
(The Police Officers emerge with Chandler and Monica in handcuffs)
Chandler: But this is our own place! We didn't do anything wrong!
Sgt. Quadros: You were having sex out in public. You caused three accidents on the street below.
Monica: I still got it.
Sgt. Quadros: Don't flatter yourself ma'am, all three wrecks involved gay men.
Chandler: I guess I still got it.
Monica: Phoebe, I need you to bail Chandler and I out.
Phoebe: As soon as I can drive, I'll come to get you.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Phoebe: Let's just say that I'll pick you up in the morning.
Officer #2: Let's go.
Phoebe: Officer wait! (the officer stops. Phoebe goes over to Monica) You've got some stuff in your hair Mon. Ok, take them away.
John: Is there some kind of orgy going on here?
Phoebe: No. If there were an orgy, I wouldn't be standing here wasting my time with you.
John: Do you wanna go grab some coffee or something?
Phoebe: No. I want you to leave so I can play with myself.
John: So you're really set on this self-gratification thing.
John: Fine, I'll leave.
Phoebe: Thank God. Don't let the door hit you on the way out! (John leaves) That is one persistent bastard.
(Cut to 20 minutes later. Phoebe's watching porn on the TV and doing things to herself)
Man from TV: That's it baby, that's it baby. I love how you take it all the way in.
Girl from TV: You're not gonna explode in my mouth are you?
Man from TV: Not if you don't want me to.
Girl from TV: I'm just not that kind of woman.
Phoebe: Yet you'll blow some random guy who you passed on the street. (Phoebe closes her eyes and starts to really get into her session. John re-enters the apartment. He just watches her. Phoebe opens her eyes to look at the TV, only to find John standing in the way) What the f^ck are you doing here?!
John: I forgot my car keys.
Phoebe (standing up): Get out of here before I file sexual assault charges against you!
John: I didn't touch you!
Phoebe: Well, well, well just leave!
John: It's just, it's justÖ.
Phoebe: It's just what?
John: Ah, your pants fell down and you're showing me all that's you.
Phoebe (pulling up her pants): You're really unbelievable you know that! First you climb into my bed when I'm totally naked, and now you watch me while I'm trying to pleasure myself! What's the matter with you?
John: Nothing's the matter with me.
Phoebe: There is something seriously the matter with you! First you won't grope a fully naked sleeping woman and now you're just watching a woman with her hand down her pants!
John: What did you want me to do? Did you want me to take advantage of you?
John: But earlier you told me that you didn't want me in that way!
Phoebe: I lie a lot!
John: So you wannaÖ.
Phoebe: Drop your pants!
(Phoebe and John start going at it in the family room. Cut to the master bedroom. The two couples have retired to the bed)
Ross: That, that, was amazing.
Rachel: I feel like such a slut.
Ross: You are a slut Rachel.
Rachel: Yes, but only with you. I just let another married man take me to the heavens.
Jennifer: You're a very lucky woman Rachel, Ross showed me things that I never knew existed.
Jennifer: Don't worry honey, you're still my number one bitch.
Rachel: This isn't gonna make things weird between us is it?
Jennifer: No, it shouldn't. It was just a one night thing.
Brad: Yeah, we had a lot to drink and got totally stoned. This just happened.
Ross: And to think we weren't on a break this time Rach.
Rachel: This was totally different honey. We both experienced other partners right in front of each other. And if you bring that "we were on a break" thing up one more time, we're gonna be a permanent break.
Brad: You'll never learn Ross.
(cut the family room where Phoebe and John are in the middle of things)
John: Don't be mad at me if I don't last long.
Phoebe: As long as you can do it again, I don't care how long you last.
(Ross, Rachel, Jennifer and Brad emerge from the master bedroom)
Rachel: Oh My God!
(Phoebe and John look up)
Phoebe: Hi guys!
Ross: Who is that?
John (standing up): It's John.
Brad: Dude, cover yourself up.
John (putting his hands over his private parts): Sorry.
Phoebe (who has covered herself with a blanket): Are you done with the bedroom?
Jennifer: Help yourselves.
Phoebe (with John in hand on the way in the master bedroom): By the way, Chandler and Monica got arrested. We'll see you in about 45 minutes.
John: 45 minutes?
Phoebe: You better be able to go that long.
(Phoebe and John go into the bedroom)
Rachel: Where're Joey and Jenna?
Ross: I think they retired to the other bathroom.
Jennifer: They should be done by now though.
(Ross goes over to the bathroom)
Ross: Joey? Jenna?
Jenna: Would somebody please help me?!
Ross: The door's locked. Can you unlock it?
Jenna: If I could I wouldn't be asking for help!
Ross: I need something to open the door.
Rachel: Would a roach clip work?
Jennifer: Use a credit card.
Rachel: Why didn't I think of that? I have tons of credit cards.
Ross: Just give me the stupid card!
Brad: He really gets crabby after sex.
Rachel: He's used to going to sleep. That's why we don't make love in the morning anymore. It ruins his day.
Jennifer: That's the oddest thing I've ever heard.
Ross: Hold on Jenna, I've almost got it.
Jenna: Hurry up!
(Ross opens the door. The others look in. Joey is on top of Jenna)
Jennifer: That's something you don't see very often.
Jenna: He passed out right in the middle of things. I couldn't get him off me he was too heavy.
Rachel: That's terrible. How long have you been like that?
Jenna: For over an hour. It wasn't too bad for the first 30 minutes he was still hard.
Brad: This looks like a night no one's gonna forget in a long time.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present including Jennifer and Brad)
Rachel: How was jail Mon?
Monica: It needed a serious cleaning.
Chandler: Thankfully they dropped the charges. Anything exciting happen while we were away?
Monica: Nothing at all?
Ross: Well Joey passed out on top of Jenna while they were having sex.
Joey: I did not! I merely fell asleep!
Jenna: Please, you passed out.
Rachel: And Phoebe and John were going at it in the family room.
Phoebe: Well Ross, Rachel, Brad and Jennifer exchanged partners.
Rachel (worried): No we didnít.
Phoebe: Then why did you guys emerge from the master bedroom at the same time?
Jennifer: Because the shower that Brad and I used was in the master bedroom.
Phoebe: So you all did it in the shower.
Ross: Rachel and I used the bed. We let Brad and Jen have their privacy.
Monica: Oh my God! My older brother had sex in my bed!
Chandler: At least somebody did.
Phoebe: I could've sworn I had a vision that the guys of you swapped partners.
Brad: That's just the pot talking Pheebs.
Jennifer: Brad and I are in a monogamous relationship. We're not swingers.
Ross: And I'm not allowed to sleep with other women because of Rachel.
Rachel: You're not allowed to sleep with other women period!
Ross: That's what I said!
Ross: Funny, I think I've seen that man before.
Rachel: Honey, that's John.
Ross: Oh, I didn't recognize him with his pants on.
Joey: Dude, what are you doing looking at nude guys? That's Chandler's department.
John: Hello everyone. Are you ready to go Phoebe?
Jennifer: Wait a minute! Aren't you the Priest who baptized my baby?
Jennifer: Then what were you doing having sex with Phoebe?
John: Having a good time.
Phoebe: John left the Priesthood Jennifer.
Jennifer: Is Courteney's baptism still good?
John: Yes. I was a Priest at the time.
Jennifer: And now you're not?
John: That's correct.
Phoebe: Now he's just a piston popping don't come knocking machine. And to think he was going to deprive women on his sexual abilities.
Chandler: Well there were always altar boys.
Phoebe: But John's not gay. That's why he left the Priesthood.
Joey (to Chandler): Dude, you should totally become a Priest. You'd fit right in!
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Rachel: I'm horny.
Ross: I'm Ross, nice to meet you.
Rachel: Make love to me.
Ross: I can't make love to you.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Because, because I don't want to hear you say, "that's not how Brad did it".
Rachel: I knew we shouldn't have done that. Honey, honey, honey look at me.
Rachel: I love you. And I love making love to you. Nothing's more special to me. When I am with you, I don't think about anything else but you. Now please, make love to me.
Ross: Ok. (Ross starts kissing Rachel. It starts to get hot and heavy. Ross takes off Rachel's pajamas and heads down south)
Rachel: That's it. (pause) Ross?
Rachel: That's not how Brad does it.
Ross: So? Jennifer absolutely loved it. (Rachel looks down at Ross in shock)
Rachel: I was just kidding around.
Ross: I wasnít.