Written by: firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman
and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use
is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is talking with Chandler)
Joey: I'm telling ya, Jennifer was so hot. It was like we invented the hot dog and the bun, if you know what I mean.
Chandler: What about Phoebe?
Joey: What about Phoebe?
Chandler: Your new girlfriend?
Joey: Oh right. Yeah, she's ok with it. Actually, she encourages it.
Chandler: Let me get this straight, she's ok with you cheating on her and she's encouraging you to do it?
Chandler: Phoebe is my God!
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)
Monica: So Pheebs, how's everything going with Joey?
Phoebe: What's going on with Joey?
Monica: That's what I'm asking you, he is your boyfriend isn't he?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. We're hot and heavy.
(Joey enters with a girl who is hanging all over him)
Joey: Hey guys, this is Jennifer.
Jennifer: Hey. Joe, I'm gonna wash my hands, could you get me some coffee?
Joey: Sure. (Joey kisses Jennifer and she walks away) Hey Pheebs (kisses Phoebe), how you doin?
(Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel stare in amazement)
Phoebe (giggling): Good. Where have you been?
Joey: Out with Jennifer. Are you still coming over later?
Phoebe: Wouldn't miss it.
Joey: Good. Jennifer is looking forward to it too. So Ross, have you
and Rachel picked a date yet? (Joey notices everyone is
staring at him) What?
Ross: I think this is where you explain what the hell is going on here.
Joey: What do you mean?
Rachel: You're seeing both Phoebe and Jennifer and both of them are fine with it?
Phoebe: It doesn't bother me.
Joey: See. What's the problem?
Chandler: No problem here. (Monica stares at Chandler) But it's just wrong.
Joey: Earlier you said that Phoebe was your God. (Monica again glares at Chandler and gets up and leaves)
Chandler: Thanks a lot Joe. (Chandler gets up and goes after Monica)
Jennifer: Hey Pheebs, (kisses Phoebe) are you ready for some fun later?
Phoebe: If it's anything like last night, you betcha.
Rachel (to Ross): We have to go.
Ross (to Rachel): Why?
Rachel: Let's just say the love canal is no longer dry. (to Joey, Phoebe and Jennifer) Bye guys. (Rachel and Ross leave)
Joey (laughing): That was great ladies. We really had them fooled.
Phoebe: That kiss was a nice added touch Jen.
Jennifer: I couldn't believe their faces. Hello, I'm a deer in headlights. Too bad you got Chandler in trouble Joey.
Joey: He'll be fine. He's always in trouble with Monica.
(Cut to the front window of Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are walking
by with Chandler walking behind Monica pleading
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)
Ross: Wow, it's never been like that before.
Rachel: That was unbelievable. You were unbelievable.
Ross: No you were. Where'd you learn that trick with your tongue?
Rachel: I have no idea and yes, I am unbelievable. Can you believe Phoebe and Joey are having threesomes together?
Ross: It's wild. It's like the naughty episode of Three's Company that
you always wanted to see. I could always see Joey in a
threesome, but never Phoebe.
Rachel: Well she is a twin. Twins are kind of kooky.
Ross: Don't you mean kinky?
Rachel: Apparently that too.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are sitting at the table. Monica is not talking to Chandler)
Chandler: Come on Mon, I said I was sorry. You're the only God in my
life. (Monica scoffs at Chandler) Ok, we're getting
closer to speaking. At least you're scoffing at me. Look Mon, I don't want to have sex with anyone but you.
Monica: Like that is ever going to happen again.
Chandler: See, we're making progress. You're talking to me. (Monica
gets up and walks away). Ok, now you're just walking
Monica (stops and turns around): Are you unhappy with me?
Chandler: Why would you even say that?
Monica: Because you're always making cracks about how great it would
be to have an open relationship. Am I that
unsatisfying? When we get married are you gonna look outside our marriage for sex?
Chandler: No. No. I love you. You satisfy me beyond comprehension. I
mean, without you I am nothing. Without you I be just a
man in an unhealthy relationship with his hand. (Monica laughs)
Monica: That's no fair.
Chandler: What's not fair?
Monica: You always know how to talk yourself out of trouble. Come here. (Chandler walks to Monica who hugs him)
Chandler: That's because I'm always talking myself into trouble.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Chandler: What are you guys up to?
(Ross and Rachel laugh)
Monica: What's so funny?
Rachel: Nothing. I see you guys made up.
Chandler: I see you guys did too.
Chandler: Your barn door is open Ross.
Ross: Oops. Thanks.
Monica: So, Rach, that's a pretty weird arrangement Joey and Phoebe got going eh.
Rachel: Yeah, it would never work for me. You missed it. After you left,
Joey, Phoebe and Jennifer were talking about how they
were getting together later. Jennifer even kissed Phoebe.
Monica: She did? Like on the lips?
Ross: With tongue.
Chandler: I MISSED IT?! I MISSED TONGUE?! (Monica looks at Chandler) I mean, we missed it? There was tongue?
Ross: It reminded me of Carol and Susan.
Rachel: Ok, that's a picture I don't need to see.
Monica: Wow, this is unbelievable. Pheebs is bisexual.
Chandler: Cool. (Everyone looks at Chandler) Sorry, I have had a sheltered life.
(Phoebe and Joey enter)
Ross: Well if it isn't Chrissy and Jack. Where's Janet?
Joey: Who's Janet?
Ross: Never mind. So Joe, what do you have planned for the evening?
Joey: Not much, just hanging out with Jennifer and Phoebe.
Chandler: At the same time?
Joey: Sure, why wouldn't I?
Rachel: Ah Pheebs, can Monica and I talk to you for a minute? (motioning towards Monica's bedroom)
Phoebe: Uh huh. (follows Monica and Rachel into the bedroom)
(cut to Monica's bedroom)
Rachel: Phoebe, we really don't know how to say this, so here it goes…..
Monica: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Rachel: I suppose we could say it like that too.
Phoebe: What? What did I do?
Monica: Hello? You, Joey and Jennifer. It's a little unconventional don't you think?
Phoebe: Not really. It's kinda fun actually.
Monica: So you like having sex with them?
Phoebe: Having sex with who?
Rachel: Joey and Jennifer.
Phoebe: Oh, no. No. You think I'm having sex with Joey and Jennifer? Ew gross!
Monica: You're not having sex with them?
Phoebe: Well not Joey, he mans the video camera.
(cut to family room)
Chandler: So you're really having sex with two women at the same time?
Joey: Chandler, I really don't think this appropriate questioning.
Ross: Since when did you start talking like an adult?
Chandler: Come on Joe, Ross and I don't get to behave like this. What's it like?
Joey: What's what like?
Chandler: Having sex with two beautiful women.
Joey: Oh that. Yeah, it's great. The things they do to one another,
man it's unbelievable. Did you know that Phoebe can twist
like a pretzel?
(cut to Monica's bedroom)
Rachel: Did you just say that you're having sex with Jennifer?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's totally natural. Trust me, a woman knows how to treat a woman.
Monica: Oh sorry. Phoebe, are you a lesbian?
Phoebe: No! What would make you think that?
Rachel: Ah, the fact that you're having sex with a woman.
Phoebe: I'm not a lesbian. I just like Jennifer.
Monica: But you're not a lesbian?
Rachel: I'm so confused.
(cut to family room)
Ross: So you just sat there and videotaped them?
Joey: Yup, I'd invite you guys over to watch the tape but Jennifer has it.
(Rachel, Monica and Phoebe emerge from the bedroom)
Chandler: Did you get any close-ups?
Monica: Close-ups of what?
Chandler (startled): Of, of, of Joey's new fillings. Man, Joe, those are really shiny cavity fillings.
Ross (to Rachel): Honey, we have to go.
Rachel: Why? We just got here.
Ross: 'Cause there's a heat-seeking missile ready for launching and you have the launch key.
Rachel (giggling): Gotcha. We wouldn't want that missile to explode in its silo. Bye guys.
(Ross and Rachel hurriedly leave)
Monica (to Chandler): The President called and said he is launching the Eastern Fleet. It's time for you to man your submarine.
Chandler: Yes, I think it's time I guided my submarine in and out of
the Geller strait. (to Joey and Phoebe) Will be seeing you,
we have some navigating to do. (Monica and Chandler sprint to their bedroom leaving Joey and Phoebe alone)
Joey (to Phoebe): This is so much fun. Those guys can't control themselves.
Phoebe: Isn't it? Monica and Rachel think I'm a lesbian.
Joey: You wanna go get some pizza? Jennifer isn't coming over until later.
Phoebe: Sure. Oh, could we go to Chuck E. Cheese? I want to play in the balls. (Joey starts laughing) What's so funny?
Joey: You wanna play with the balls.
Phoebe: You're a pervert.
Joey: Yeah? Well you're a lesbian.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed- again)
Rachel: Well I didn't think it was possible, but that topped last time.
Ross: I think it was your pretzel maneuver that threw me over the top.
Rachel (laughing): You like that? I've got some other tricks up my sleeves.
Ross: How's that possible? You're not wearing any clothes.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are in bed)
Chandler: Oh my god!
Monica: I know! That was incredible! Four times? That's a new record for you.
Chandler: Joey's gotta stop telling us those stories about him, Phoebe and Jennifer or I won't be able to walk.
Monica: Would you ever want me to be with another woman?
Chandler (shocked): Huh?
Monica: Would you ever want me to be with another woman?
Monica: No, friendly. Of course sexually you moron.
Chandler: You really want to be with another woman?
Monica: After listening to Phoebe, maybe. I don't know, listening to
her describe her experience with Jennifer just really turned
me on. Would you ever want to be with another man?
Chandler: HELL NO! Are you crazy? What kind of question is that?
Monica: So you think its ok for two women to be together but not two men?
Chandler: Ah, yes! It's natural for women to be together in that way.
Haven't you seen "Personal Best"? And don't forget about
porn. You never see two guys together in porn, but you always see two women together. That's just the way it is.
Monica: Would you watch me with another woman?
Chandler: Stop it. You're killing me with this. (Monica just looks at Chandler) You're really serious about this?
Chandler: Your kidding?
Monica: Ok, I am. I totally got you going.
Chandler: That is so not funny!
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey, Jennifer and Phoebe are present)
Jennifer (to Phoebe): And they asked you if you were a lesbian?
Phoebe: Apparently a woman can't be with another woman without being labeled as a lesbian.
Joey: You know, I'm a lesbian.
Joey: I'm a lesbian.
Jennifer: How exactly?
Joey: I like women. Lesbians like women. Therefore I am a lesbian.
Phoebe: Stop it, you're scaring me. How did you learn to do that?
Joey: Didn't think I was smart huh? Anyway, when are we going to tell everyone the truth? I can't keep this up much longer.
(Cut to outside the apartment- Monica and Chandler are listening at the door)
Monica (whispering to Chandler): I knew it! They're hiding something.
Chandler: Ok Sherlock, calm down.
(inside the apartment)
Jennifer: We can't say anything yet. Phoebe doesn't have a boyfriend.
Phoebe: Come on Joey, just a little bit longer. I should have a boyfriend by the end of the month.
(outside the apartment)
Chandler: Phoebe isn't seeing Joey?
Monica: Shut up, I can't hear.
(inside the apartment)
Joey (to Phoebe): Fine, but you have to stop having sex with my girlfriend.
Jennifer: Excuse me?
Phoebe: I'm not having sex with Jennifer.
Joey: Oh. Maybe that's only in my mind.
(outside the apartment- Ross and Rachel are approaching)
Ross: If you put your ear up against the door, can you hear the sound of the ocean Mon?
Monica: Very funny. Now shut up!
Rachel (to Chandler): What is she doing?
Chandler: Apparently Joey, Phoebe and Jennifer have been lying to us about their arrangement.
Ross: So Joey really didn't sleep with both of them at the same time?
Chandler: Doesn't look like it. (sees Ross' look of disappointment) I was crushed too.
Monica: Shut up! I can't hear anything. Wait, I hear something. They're coming this way. Everyone into our apartment!
(Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel go into Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Just after they shut the door, Joey, Phoebe and
Joey: So we'll see you later Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go down to the U.N. I picked up a guy there once and I want to see if luck will strike twice.
Joey: Ah Pheebs…
Joey: Make sure he speaks English this time.
Jennifer: Bye Phoebe, I love you.
Phoebe: Love you too.
Joey (to Jennifer): See, that's why I think you slept with Phoebe.
MONICA & CHANDLER'S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler, Ross and Rachel are present)
Monica: I can't believe it. Why would Phoebe and Joey lie to us about their relationship?
Ross: 'Cause maybe Phoebe really is a lesbian.
Rachel (to Ross): Don't talk that way about Phoebe.
Rachel: Maybe she's bisexual.
Chandler: Look, there's only one way to figure this all out.
Chandler: We ask Phoebe to participate in a threesome with one of us
(pointing to Ross and Rachel and Monica and himself). If
she's lying, there's no way she'll agree to it.
Rachel: And what of she does?
Chandler: Then you're in for the time of your life (Monica glares at Chandler) or so I'm told.
Monica: So who's gonna do it?
Rachel: We'll do it.
Ross: We will?
Rachel: Sure honey, it's not like anything is gonna happen.
Ross: Really? Nothing's gonna happen?
Rachel: No. Nothing is gonna happen. I know you're disappointed but you can't have sex with Phoebe.
Ross: Are you sure? (Rachel just looks at Ross) You're sure.
Monica: So what's your plan?
Rachel: I figured that I tell Phoebe how hot I got thinking about her
and Jennifer together and tell her that I want to do it with
Ross: Ah, where do I come in?
Rachel: I was just getting to that. As soon as Phoebe agrees, I'll bring
her back to our place. Then you will come home from
work and when you see us together you'll ask what is going on. I'll say that Phoebe and I are going to have sex. You then ask to
Chandler: What if Phoebe says no?
Rachel: She won't, trust me.
Chandler: Can I videotape this?
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Jennifer are present)
Joey: Pheebs, did you meet anyone down at the U.N.?
Phoebe: No, I totally struck out. I think I've dated all of them.
Jennifer: All of them?
Phoebe: Well the ones that are single.
Rachel: Hey guys.
Joey/Jennifer/Phoebe: What's up/Hey/Hi.
Rachel: Hey Pheeb, can I talk to you for a minute?
Phoebe: Sure? What's up?
Rachel: I don't know how to ask this but…..
Phoebe: But what?
Rachel: I was wondering, ah, you know after listening to you describe
your experience with Jennifer, I couldn't help but feel
(cut to the couch)
Jennifer: What do suppose they're talking about?
Joey: Knowing Rachel, fashion or something boring like that.
Jennifer: You don't like fashion?
Joey: No, I like you.
(cut to Rachel and Phoebe at the bar)
Rachel: What I'm trying to ask you is this….
Phoebe: You want me to have sex with you.
Rachel: Yeah. This isn't weird is it?
Phoebe: No, not at all. I love having sex with friends and I'm sure Jennifer wouldn't mind.
Rachel: Well great. Let's go back to my place right now. Oh wait, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
(Phoebe returns to the couch)
Joey: What was that all about Pheebs?
Phoebe (panicked): Rachel wants to sleep with me!
Jennifer: You're kidding!
Phoebe: No. She seriously wants to have sex with me. What am I gonna do?
Joey: Oh my God. They know. They know we've been lying to them.
Jennifer: How can you be so sure?
Joey: Rachel would never sleep with another woman, and besides Ross would never allow it. He's too prudish.
Phoebe: He slept with the copy girl 3 hours after he and Rachel went on their break! How can he be prudish?
Joey: Oh right. And I guess the fact that Monica and Rachel made out
for one minute to get their apartment back doesn't help
either. I guess you'll just have to sleep with her Pheebs.
Phoebe: But I don't wanna. It's gross.
Jennifer: But if you want to keep this charade going, you're gonna have to.
Phoebe: Fine, I'll have sex with Rachel.
Rachel: Ready Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yup, let's go shopping.
(Phoebe and Rachel leave)
Jennifer: Do you think she'll follow through?
Joey: No, she's not a dedicated lesbian.
Jennifer: What is a dedicated lesbian?
Joey: Me. I like women and always will like women. That's a dedicated lesbian.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch)
Phoebe: Ah, before we start, do you think we could drink some alcohol?
Rachel: Sure. What do you want? Wine, Beer, Hard Liquor?
Phoebe: Sparkling cider please.
Rachel: Ah, Pheebs, that doesn't have any alcohol in it.
Phoebe: Oh, then get me some Jack Daniels.
Rachel: Here you go.
Rachel: So…..how do you want to do this?
Phoebe: I dunno.
Rachel: How about I let you lead since you have experience. This is my first time with another woman.
Phoebe: But you made out with Monica.
Rachel: Yeah, but we just kissed, we didn't do any of the fun stuff. That's why I can't wait to be with you.
(Ross enters carrying a video camera)
Ross: Hey honey. Oh hey Pheebs, I am glad you could make it.
Phoebe: What's Ross doing here?
Rachel: He's gonna record us.
Ross: Joey said that he records you and Jennifer having sex all the
time. So Rachel and I figured we'd tape you two doing it.
Heck, if it gets real steamy, I might join you guys as well.
Phoebe: As in a threesome?
Rachel: Well of course. According to Joey, you’re the perfect threesome partner. Ready to get started?
(Rachel moves towards Phoebe, who moves backward to the end of the couch.
Rachel continues to move towards her and
Phoebe runs out of room on the couch.)
Rachel: Come here Phoebe, I won't hurt you. Let me nibble on your lip.
Phoebe (weakly): Ok.
(Rachel leans in to kiss Phoebe, who at the last moment pushes her away)
Rachel: What's the matter Pheebs?
Phoebe: Stop! I can't do this. I'm not a lesbian.
Rachel: You don't have to be. This is just about you, me and Ross.
Phoebe: No! I don't wanna sleep with either of you.
Rachel: And why not?
Phoebe: 'Cause I'm not that type of woman.
Ross: And what about Jennifer?
Phoebe: She's Joey's new girlfriend.
Ross: And you're not dating Joey?
Phoebe: Yes! I'm not dating Joey! We just made that up so I wouldn't
feel lonely since I'm the only one in the group without a
Rachel: Ah, Pheebs, we don't care that you don't have a boyfriend. We
love you for you, not who your boyfriend is. And besides,
you could do a lot better than Joey Tribbiani.
Phoebe: That's true.
Ross: So is this charade over now?
Phoebe: Yes. Do Monica and Chandler know?
Rachel: Not exactly.
Phoebe: Well then it isn't over yet.
(Monica and Chandler enter)
Phoebe: Hey, Mon and Chandler, you guys just missed seeing the hot sex that I had with your brother and Rachel.
Monica: Oh really? 'Cause from our vantage point (points to their apartment
across the way) you never even took your clothes
Phoebe: Oh. Busted.
Chandler: Don't worry Phoebe, when I was younger I used to imagine having sex with different women all the time.
Ross: Funny how some dreams don't come true.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Jennifer are making out on the recliner. Rachel walks in)
Joey (breaking from Jennifer): Oh, hey Rach. What can I do for you?
Rachel: I was wondering if you needed a third?
Jennifer: Sure, we were just about to move to the bedroom.
(Jennifer, Joey and Rachel go into his bedroom)
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are sleeping)
Rachel (wakes up): Damn, it was just a dream.