THE ONE WITH THE TWO TIMING VALENTINES
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Phoebe and Joey are present)
Rachel: Any word from the newly engaged couple?
Ross: Nope. Maybe we should go check Joey’s apartment.
Monica: Why exactly?
Chandler: To see if they’ve killed each other yet.
Rachel (suddenly distracted): Wow, that guy is really stunning.
Ross: Thanks honey.
Rachel: Mon, check out that guy.
Monica: Wow! He looks like Pierce Brosnan. It is Pierce Brosnan!
Rachel: Bless you.
Monica: Shut up Chandler.
Ross: Ah Rach, are we suddenly not married anymore?
(the man comes over to Rachel and Monica)
Man: Could I borrow your cream?
Monica: If you need it, we’ve got sugar too.
Man: Thanks, I just need the cream.
Rachel: You‘re James Bond!
Man: No, I’m Pierce Brosnan. And you are?
Ross (getting up and walking over to Rachel): She’s Rachel and she’s happily married. I’m her husband Ross. Dr. Ross Geller.
Pierce: What’s your specialty? Pediatrics, Orthopedics, Internal Medicine?
Pierce: Oh, I thought you were a real doctor. (to Monica) And who are you?
Monica: Who ever you want me to be.
Chandler: That’s Monica, my wife and Ross‘s sister.
Pierce: And you are?
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Pierce: Oh, I’ve heard about you. You’re Nora Bing’s son. She bought you your first pack of condoms.
Chandler: The embarrassment never ends.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is present. Joey enters)
Joey: Hey Mon. Is Chandler here?
Monica: It’s 11 in the morning, where do you think he is?
Joey: He’s normally here.
Monica: Well surprise, he actually went to work today.
Joey: Oh. Well I guess I’ll talk to him later.
Monica: What’s the matter Joe? Maybe I could help.
Joey: Ok. You see I’ve got this rash on my…..
Monica: Whoa, I can’t help you with that.
Joey: Just messing with ya.
Monica: Good ’cause I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking with you about my yeast infection.
Joey: You’re making bread?
Monica: What’s up Joey?
Joey: I need your help. I’ve got this date later with this really hot co-worker and I don’t want Phoebe to find out about it since we’re engaged and all.
Monica: You’re still dating?! What’s the matter with you?
Joey: Why are you getting bent out of shape? I’m not cheating on you.
Monica: Joey, you’re cheating on one of my best friends!
Joey: But it’s not really cheating.
Monica: What in the hell are you talking about? You’re getting married to Phoebe.
Joey: No, Phoebe just thinks that we’re getting married. That’s her punishment for stealing Hugsy.
Monica: You mean you’re not gonna go through with the marriage?
Joey: Why would you think I’d do that? Am I a man of commitment?
Monica: When you put it that way, it makes more sense.
Joey: So will you help me?
Monica: Fine. What do you need me to do?
VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working. Phoebe enters her office)
Rachel: Pheebs, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I’ve got a favor to ask.
Rachel: For the last time, I won’t pose nude for Playboy.
Phoebe: Not that favor. I need your help with keeping Joey busy tonight.
Rachel: I’m a happily married, pregnant woman Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, I just need you to make sure he doesn’t come to Pasta Pomodoro’s.
Phoebe: I have a date with Ryan.
Rachel: Ryan, the ex-boyfriend by day and stripper by night? That Ryan?
Phoebe: Yeah, he quit stripping. He’s know selling stuff on the street.
Rachel: What is he selling on the street? Drugs?
Phoebe: No! Umbrellas. Selling drugs, like you could make any money doing that.
Rachel: Wait, you said you’d marry Joey but you’re still seeing other people?
Phoebe: Weren’t you paying attention? I need you to make sure that Joey doesn’t find out that I’m seeing Ryan tonight.
Rachel: But Joey’s one of my close friends, I can’t lie to him.
Phoebe: You lie to him all the time.
Rachel: I do not!
Phoebe: Oh really? What did you tell him about his performance in his last play?
Rachel (quietly): That he was outstanding.
Phoebe: And what did you really think?
Rachel: I would’ve rather eaten my own vomit than sit through his performance again. Fine, what do you want me to do?
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Chandler are present)
Ross: How was work today?
Chandler: The same.
Ross: What does that mean?
Chandler: I showed up. Read some reports, talked to my new secretary Eileen, took a nap, ate lunch, took another nap and then came here. What did you do?
Ross: I gave this great lecture on dinosaur mating habits. Both of my classes stayed awake for the entire lecture.
Chandler: Is the world still moving?
Ross: Teach sex and people will pay attention.
Chandler: It’s no wonder that I didn’t do well in college. I flunked Human Sexuality twice.
Ross: It probably didn’t help that Professor Marcos taught the class. She was as ugly as sin.
Chandler: Then explain to me how you got an “A”?
(Rachel and Monica enter)
Rachel: Hey honey.
Chandler: What? No hey honey for me?
Monica: I guess not.
Ross: How was your day?
Rachel: Fine. I got a surprise visit from Phoebe.
Ross: What’d she want?
Rachel: She’s going on date with her ex-boyfriend Ryan and she wants me to keep Joey from finding out.
Monica: Phoebe’s going out tonight?
Monica: Joey’s going out with some girl tonight from work and he wants me to keep Phoebe from finding out.
Ross: I can’t believe you two agreed to do this.
Chandler: Yeah, that’s a role Ross and I are supposed to play.
Rachel: You know what? Since they’re messing with each other, we should mess with them.
Monica: Ew, I like that idea.
Ross: Well I’d love to participate but Chandler and I are going to the Rangers game.
Chandler: We are?
Ross: We are now. I just got to tickets from Joey before I came over here.
Chandler: Sweet! Bye honey!
Ross: We’ll be home around 11pm Rach.
Rachel: Why are you telling me?
Ross: I thought you might wanna know.
Rachel: Oh. Well I really don’t care. Have fun.
(Ross and Chandler leave)
Rachel: So what should we do to Joey and Phoebe?
Monica: Where’s Joey taking his date for dinner?
Rachel: Spendini’s. What about Phoebe?
Monica: I think she said something about Pasta Pomodoro.
Rachel: Ok, I’ll tell Joey that Phoebe’s going to Spendini’s and that he should go to Pasta Pomodoro. You make sure that Phoebe goes to Pasta Pomodoro’s.
Monica: This is only going to work if they’re both at the restaurant at the same time.
Rachel: Right. What time is Pheebs’ reservation?
Rachel: I’ll make Joey’s for 7:10.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (Chandler and Ross are watching the hockey game)
Ross: Remember when I took that puck to the forehead?
Chandler: Yeah. Did they ever take the steel plate out of your head?
Ross: They never put one in.
Chandler: Must have been Joey.
Ross: Hey, do we know her?
Ross: That girl over there.
Chandler: Ross, half the people this building are female. Could you narrow it done a bit?
Ross: There, the hot brunette four rows down.
Chandler: That’s, that’s, that’s….ok I don’t know who that is.
Ross: I’m gonna go find out who that is.
Chandler: You’re just gonna leave me here?
Ross: You can come.
Chandler: I hate meeting strangers. I think I’ll stay here.
Ross: Then I’ll be right back.
Chandler: Wait, I’ll come with you.
Ross: Damn it, make up your mind! Great now she’s gone.
Chandler: She must have seen you coming.
JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Monica are present)
Monica: Hurry up Joey or you’re gonna be late.
Joey: Stop pressuring me. I’ve gotta find my box of condoms.
Monica: Why do you need them now?
Joey: Well I have to have them when I have dessert.
Monica: You’re gonna be at a restaurant!
Joey: They have bathrooms! Ok, I’m ready. Now where am I going again?
Monica: You’re taking her to Pasta Pomodoro.
Joey: I thought we were going to Spendini’s.
Monica: You were until I found out that that’s where Phoebe is going.
Joey: Phoebe’s going on a date tonight?
Monica: Yes. I thought I already explained that to you.
Joey: That two timing bitch.
Monica: She’s a bitch? What about you? You’re going on a date too!
Joey: It’s expected of me. The guy always cheats on the girl.
Monica: Chandler never did that.
Joey: Chandler’s pretty much a girl. But look at you’re brother, he only waited three hours to sleep with Chloe after he and Rachel took a break. So we’re going to Pasta Pomodoro’s?
Monica: Yes, now go pick up Tuli.
Joey: Thanks Mon. I owe you one.
Monica: Be home by 1 and no drinking and walking.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (Ross and Chandler are watching the game)
Ross: You suck Chelios!
Chandler: I dare you to go down to the boards and say that to him.
Ross: I prefer to insult the opposing team from up here.
Woman: Excuse me, are you Ross Geller?
Ross: Yeah. And you are?
Woman: You don’t remember me?
Ross: I’m sorry, should I?
Ross: Oh, this is my buddy Chandler Bing.
Woman: Nice to meet you. So you don’t remember Valentine’s Day from eight years ago? I was your first date after you found out that your ex-wife was a lesbian.
Ross: Oh my God, you’re Kristin.
Kristin: So are you seeing anyone right now?
Ross: Actually I’m married.
Kristin: That’s too bad. I think about you all the time. Why aren’t you at home with your wife?
Ross: ‘Cause we had tickets to the Rangers.
Kristin: Wow, she must be really great, letting her husband go to a hockey on Valentine’s Day and all.
Chandler: It’s Valentine’s Day?
Kristin: Yeah. Well it was nice seeing you Ross. Take Care.
Ross: See ya.
Chandler (to Ross): We’re dead! Did you get anything for Rachel?
Ross: No! Did you get Monica anything?
Chandler: No! We are so dead! We better go!
PA Announcer: Goal! Brian Leetch!
Ross: We might as well stay till the end of the game.
Chandler: Yeah, we’re pretty much toast anyway.
CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Rachel are present)
Rachel: We need to do this more often.
Monica: We come here all the time. We might as well live here.
Rachel: No, I mean just you and me hanging out.
Monica: Do you think Chandler and Ross have realized that they forgot that today is Valentine’s Day yet?
Rachel: Not yet. I figured it would hit them sometime during the third period.
Monica: You really think this is a good idea?
Rachel: Trust me. We’ll get so much mileage out of this screw up. Yeah, we’ll pretty much get whatever we want.
Monica: You don’t feel bad that we forgot too?
Rachel: They don’t know that and what they don’t know isn’t our fault.
PASTA POMODORO’S (Phoebe and Ryan are sitting at their table)
Ryan: You know, I never really told you how sorry I am for not telling you that I was stripping on the side.
Phoebe: You can say your sorry when we get back to my place.
Ryan: How am I gonna do that exactly?
Phoebe: Don’t worry, I’ll draw you a map.
Ryan: So what have you been up to?
Phoebe: Not much. Although I am taking yoga classes, if you thought I was flexible before, you should see me now. Wow, am I good.
Ryan: Should we just ask for the check now then?
Phoebe: No, you’re gonna feed me before we do anything. (Joey and his date, Tuli, enter) Oh crap! What’s he doing here!
Phoebe: My fiancé, I mean my roommate is here with his date.
Ryan: Should we ask them to join us?
Phoebe: No. We should go.
Ryan: What’s going on?
(Joey and Tuli approach their table which happens to be next to Phoebe and Ryan’s)
Joey: Thanks, this is perfect. (Joey sees Phoebe and Ryan) Phoebe, what the hell are you doing here?!
Phoebe: I was here first, you have to leave!
Ryan: Phoebe, what’s going on?
Phoebe: My stupid fiancé just happened to pick the same restaurant I did to take his date to. I can’t believe you’re cheating on me?
Tuli: Who is that Joey?
Joey: That’s my fiancée and my new roommate Phoebe.
Tuli: What’s a fiancée?
Joey: That’s the French word for a maid.
Tuli: Oh. You should tell her to clean up around the apartment a little bit more, it’s still not very clean.
Ryan: You two are getting married?!
Joey: Yes we are!
Tuli: Will she have a threesome with us tonight?
Joey: We’ll see. Ah Phoebe, can I see you for a minute?
Phoebe: Fine. We’ll be right back.
Ryan (to Tuli): So you’re into threesomes?
Tuli: Yeah. The more the merrier.
(cut to the restrooms)
Joey: What are you doing here and why are you cheating on me?!
Phoebe: Me? You’re on a date too you two timing bastard!
Joey: You’re just trying to get out of marrying me!
Phoebe: Nah uh! And you’re not?
Joey: I’m just being who I am. I always cheat on my fiancées.
Phoebe: You’ve never had a fiancee to cheat on!
Joey: Yes I have!
Joey: Look, what are we gonna do?
Phoebe: I’ll behave if you behave.
Phoebe: Who gets to bring their date home?
Joey: I do.
Joey: It’s my apartment. The next time we cheat on each other it’ll be your turn.
Phoebe: Ok. We better get back. Wait, how’d you know I’d be here?
Joey: I didn’t. Monica told me that you’d be at Spendini’s.
Phoebe: Those bastards!
Phoebe: Monica and Rachel set us up!
Joey: What’d they do?
Phoebe: They made sure that we’d bump into each other tonight!
Joey: Then why did Monica tell me to come here instead of Spendini’s? (Phoebe just looks at Joey) Those bastards!
Phoebe: Look, let’s go back to the tables now.
(Joey and Phoebe walk out to their tables to find that Ryan and Tuli are missing)
Maitre De: Ms. Buffay?
Maitre De: Ryan wanted me to inform you that he left with Ms. Tuli. He said good luck on your marriage to Joey.
Joey: Did Tuli leave a message for me?
Maitre De: Are you Mr. Tribbiani?
Maitre De: Yes, she said that if you and Phoebe ever want a third, to give her a call.
Phoebe: You ever noticed that when we try to do something behind each other’s back that our dates wind up going home with each other?
Joey: I guess we’re just meant to be together.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are getting home from the game and are outside the door)
Chandler: I don’t think this is gonna work.
Ross: Sure it will.
Chandler: It’s a big foam finger that says “we’re number 1”.
Ross: Right, Monica‘s number one in your heart.
Chandler: Are you coming in?
Ross: And watch you get crucified? I don’t think so. I’ll see you tomorrow.
(Chandler enters and finds Monica sitting on the couch)
Chandler: Hey honey.
Monica: Do you know what day it is?
Chandler (looking at his watch): It’s February 15 at 12:02 in the morning.
Monica: Do you know what day it was yesterday then?
Chandler: It wasn’t our anniversary or something was it?
Monica: It was Valentine’s Day! You didn’t get me anything.
Chandler: Yes I did. I got you this giant foam finger. Here.
Monica: You know what I’d like to do with this finger?
Chandler: Shout we’re number one at the top of your lungs?
Monica: More like bend over. After I finish with you, you’ll never forget Valentine‘s Day again.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross enters to find Rachel asleep on the couch)
Ross (VO): Yes, she’s sleeping. I’ll just sneak into the bedroom. (Ross runs into a lamp, waking up Rachel)
Rachel (startled): You better get out of this apartment quick, I’ve got unagi!
Ross: It’s just me sweetie.
Rachel: Oh. How was the game?
Ross: Fine, the Rangers won 5-2.
Rachel: Do you know what day it is?
Ross: Technically it’s February 15th.
Rachel: And what would that make yesterday?
Ross: Valentine’s Day?
Rachel (feigning tears): How could you forget me on Valentine’s Day?
Ross: I didn’t forget you.
Rachel: Yes you did. You went to the stupid hockey game with Chandler and left me and Monica alone together on Valentine’s Day.
Ross: But I brought you these. (hands her a huge bouquet of red roses)
Rachel: You remembered!
Ross: Yeah, I did.
Rachel: Where’d you get these?
Ross: At the store.
Rachel: But all of the stores are closed.
Ross: I have a friend who manages a flower shop, she met me there and helped me out.
Rachel: You have other female friends that I don’t know about?
Ross: Her name is Kristin. Chandler and I bumped into her at the game.
Rachel: How do you know her?
Ross: I went out with her once.
Rachel: Really? When?
Ross: She was my first date after I found out that Carol was a lesbian.
Rachel: She was the one who left you at Benihana’s.
Ross: That was her.
Rachel: You’ve realized that you’ve ruined my plan.
Ross: Yeah, I realized that you and Monica forgot too during the third period. There’d be no way you’d let me go to a Rangers game on Valentine’s Day if you hadn’t forgot too.
Rachel: So did you bail out Chandler too?
Ross: Are you kidding? I left him hanging.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Chandler: Next year I say we boycott Valentine’s Day.
Phoebe: You won’t get any complaints from me, I had to go home with Joey.
Joey: Yeah, and I didn’t get to have my usual threesome party thanks to you Phoebe.
Monica: Chandler’s just mad because he found out what it feels like to be number one.
Joey: What does that mean?
Chandler: Never give your wife a big, we’re number one foam finger for Valentine’s Day. She’ll do inappropriate things with it.
Rachel: Well I for one enjoyed Valentine’s Day.
Ross: Me too.
Chandler: What do you mean you too?
Rachel: Ross got me a dozen long stemmed roses for Valentine’s Day.
Chandler: What? (to Ross) You’re a dead man Geller!