THE ONE WITH THE TRIAL
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler and Ross are present)
Joey: Today's the day.
Ross: For what?
Chandler: The day to spread God's word of love and peace.
Joey: No, today's the day Phoebe's case goes to trial.
Chandler: I take that back. Today's the day the Lord has come to judge those who are sinners and those who are saints.
Ross: If that's the case, we're all going straight to hell.
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Ross: You still haven't dropped the charges?
Joey: I tried but the District Attorney wouldn't let me.
Chandler: Why not?
Joey: Apparently the DA has been looking to nail Phoebe for a long time.
Joey: Did you know that Phoebe has a criminal record that's over five pages long?
Ross: Are you serious?
Joey: Yeah. The Assistant DA showed me when I went down there to practice my testimony.
Chandler: Wait a minute. You're gonna testify against Phoebe?
Joey: I have to. She stole all my stuff and gave it the homeless people.
Ross: You should really drop the charges.
Joey: I just told you, I can't. They won't let me.
Chandler: Then the least you could do is be a hostile witness.
Joey: But I'm the most easy-going person in the world. I'm lovable Joey.
Ross: Who told you that?
Joey: Marisa did. She told me that this morning.
Ross: Chandler's right, you should be a hostile witness.
Joey: How do you do that?
Ross: You don't offer any testimony which could get Phoebe convicted.
Joey: So I should lie?
Chandler: You can't lie Joey, that's perjury.
Joey: I've heard of that term before. That's the word that they use to describe the place between heaven and hell.
Chandler: That's purgatory. Perjury occurs when you lie under oath.
Ross: Look Joe, all you have to do when you testify is that you turned Phoebe in because she broke your heart. That you were so hurt that she didn't return your love that you had her arrested.
Joey: I could totally do that. I wouldn't even be lying!
NEW YORK CITY JAIL (Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica: How are you doing Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm doing great!
Monica: But you're in jail.
Phoebe: I know but I get three meals a day and fresh towels when I shower. There are also a lot of familiar faces here this time.
Monica: This time? You've been in jail before?
Phoebe: Hundreds of times. When I lived on the street I always got arrested around early November so I could escape the cold for a couple of days. How's everyone?
Monica: Well Rachel is still in LA. Ross is watching Caitlin, and Chandler is being Chandler.
Phoebe: What about Joey?
Monica: I didn't think you'd want to know how he's doing since he's the one who put you in jail.
Phoebe: Does he miss me?
Monica: Actually he does. He tried to get the charges dropped against you but the District Attorney said no.
Phoebe: Yeah, the DA has wanted to nail me for years.
Monica: Well if you're not careful, he's gonna nail you right in the ass.
Phoebe: I'm not worried. Joey will come to my rescue.
Monica: That's either the dumbest thing I've ever heard or you might be on to something.
Phoebe: Trust me, with Joey testifying, I'm gonna beat this rap.
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES (Rachel is discussing her daily schedule with her temporary secretary Ellen.
Ellen: You've got interviews between 11 and 3. Then you've got a staff meeting with the staff at 3:30.
Rachel: I don't get lunch?
Ellen: Only if you keep your interviews short.
Rachel: How long do the interviews last?
Ellen: You're asking me? You're the one who's supposed to be the expert.
Rachel: Ok. Between you and I, I've never really hired for such an important position.
Ellen: So you're basically saying you have no idea what you're doing.
Rachel: I do know how to fire people though.
Ellen: What I meant to say is that you'll know right away whether or not the person is right for the job.
Rachel: Who's first?
Ellen: Emily Waltham.
Rachel: Yeah, we can pretty much skip over her.
Ellen: Why? You haven't even seen her resume yet.
Rachel: Her name is enough for me to know that she's not qualified.
Ellen: Well you have to at least interview her.
Rachel: Ok, did I not make myself clear that I have a lot of experience firing people.
NEW YORK CITY 12th DISTRICT COURT (Phoebe's trial is about to begin. Everyone but Rachel is present)
Ross: This is pretty cool.
Monica: You wouldn't be saying that if it were your ass on trial.
Chandler: So what are you gonna do Joey?
Joey: I'm gonna be a hostile witness.
Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Kerry Scott. Court is now in session.
Joey: Oh my God, that's the guy that married Phoebe and I!
Chandler: Yeah, she's pretty much convicted. Are you guys ready to go?
Monica: Knock it off! We're here to support Joey and Phoebe.
Judge Kerry: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Will the bailiff please read the charges against the defendant?
Bailiff: Would the defendant please rise. (Phoebe stands up) In the matter of the State of New York vs. Ms. Phoebe Buffay, the defendant is accused of breaking and entering and burglary.
Judge Kerry: Thank you Officer Lemos. You may sit Ms. Buffay. The prosecution may call its first witness.
Prosecutor: Thank you your honor. The State of New York calls Officer Nina Quadros to the stand.
Chandler (to Monica): Who's that?
Monica: How the hell am I supposed to know?
Chandler: Geez, I was just asking. You claim to know all in our marriage. Now I know better.
Prosecutor: Officer Quadros, would you please explain the details of Ms. Buffay's arrest.
Officer Quadros: My partner and I received a dispatch from Central Command indicating that a 501.4 had taken place. We responded to the scene where we found the victim, Mr. Joseph Tribbiani.
Joey (to Ross): That's me!
Ross: Shut up you idiot!
Officer Quadros: Mr. Tribbiani's place had been burglarized. I asked the victim if he knew of anyone who had a key to his apartment. Mr. Tribbiani responded that his ex-wife, the defendant seated at the defense table, had a key. Mr. Tribbiani took us to Ms. Buffay's place of residence. Upon arriving at Ms. Buffay's place, Mr. Tribbiani confronted his ex-wife and she admitted that she had taken his stuff and given it to her homeless friends.
Prosecutor: So you're saying that Ms. Buffay admitted stealing Mr. Tribbiani's possessions?
Officer Quadros: Yes.
Prosecutor: Thank you Officer Quadros. I have no further questions.
Judge Kerry: Does the defense wish to cross-examine?
Defense Attorney: We have no questions at this time.
Phoebe (very loud): What the hell are you doing? She just nailed my ass to the wall! I'm not paying you $400 an hour to act like Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden!
Judge Kerry: Could you please control your client?
Defense Attorney: Sorry your honor. My client is very nervous. (to Phoebe) Just wait until they put Joey on the stand, I'll get you off then.
Phoebe: If I wanted to get off, I would've stayed in my cell and played with myself.
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES (Rachel is interviewing candidates)
Rachel (to Ellen over the intercom): I'm ready for Ms. Waltham.
Ellen: I'll send her in.
Rachel: Hello Emily, I'm Rachel Geller. I'm the Executive Vice President in charge of the Eastern Seaboard. Have a seat.
Emily: Thank you.
Rachel: Your last name is really Waltham?
Emily: Yes. Is there a problem?
Rachel: No, no. Not at all. Just a weird coincidence.
Rachel: My husband was married to a British woman named Emily Waltham for a short time period.
Emily: Oh. Maybe I should go then.
Rachel: No, don't be silly. That wouldn't have any effect on my decision. Ready to get started?
Rachel: So Emily, why do you want to work for Victoria's Secret?
Emily: I wanted to make a difference in women's fashion.
Rachel: Ok. Do you wear any of Victoria's products?
Emily: Excuse me?
Rachel: Do you wear the company's products. You know, their lingerie, their bras, that type of stuff.
Emily: Ah no. I tend not to look good.
Rachel: Then why should I hire you if you don't wear the products?
Emily: Because I'm qualified and I have a long track record of achievements in the business world.
Rachel: That's a good answer. But seriously, how can you not look good in our underwear?
Emily: Well for one, there's not much coverage if you know what I mean, and I feel really uncomfortable wearing thongs.
Rachel: Good answer. Ok, final question. What are your salary demands?
Emily: You want to know that already? That's normally a second interview question.
Rachel: Well I have until Friday to fill the position and given that today's Wednesday, I need to know what your salary demands are.
Emily: Whatever you offer I would be happy with.
Rachel: So you're saying that if I offer you $35,000 a year, you'd be happy with that?
Emily: No, I wouldn't.
Rachel: Then name your price or get out of my office.
Emily: You really don't screw around do you?
Rachel: No ma'am.
Emily: $95,000 plus an additional 20% bonus if I exceed goal.
Rachel: There you go. Ok, thanks for coming in.
Emily: Thanks. I look forward to hearing from you.
Rachel: We'll be in touch.
(Emily leaves, Ellen enters Rachel's office)
Rachel: How many candidates do I have left?
Rachel: Good, because Emily's not getting the job.
Ellen: Why not?
Rachel: She doesn't even wear our products.
Ellen: Should I cancel the two men who are scheduled to interview this afternoon?
Rachel: Not necessarily, they could be cross dressers like my best friend's father-in-law.
NEW YORK CITY 12th DISTRICT COURT (Everyone but Rachel is present)
Judge Kerry: Does the Prosecution have any more witnesses?
Prosecutor: Yes, the State of New York calls Mr. Joseph Tribbiani to the stand.
Ross (noticing Joey has fallen asleep): Joey! Joey! Wake up! You have to testify.
Joey: Fine, fine. Stop yelling in my ear Mom! I'll go to school in a minute.
Joey: What's so damn important Mom?
Judge Kerry: Mr. Tribbiani, if you're in the courtroom, please take the stand now or I'll hold you in contempt.
Chandler: This outta do it. (pinches Joey)
Joey (finally waking up): Ow! What was that for?
Chandler: You have to testify now you idiot.
(Joey goes to the witness stand. The bailiff swears him in)
Joey (to Judge Kerry): Hey, you're the dude who married Phoebe and I.
Judge Kerry: I'm aware of that Mr. Tribbiani. Please just answer the questions.
Joey: I can do that.
Prosecutor: Mr. Tribbiani, was your apartment burgarilized on May 25, 2002?
Joey: Yes sir.
Prosecutor: For the benefit of the jury, can you please point out the perpetrator?
Joey: What's that mean?
Prosecutor: Excuse me?
Joey: What does perpetrator mean?
Prosecutor: The person who committed the alleged crime.
Joey: Sure. (Joey goes to identify Phoebe and then stops) What does alleged mean?
Chandler (to Monica): Being stupid is finally going to pay off for Joey.
Monica: Or Phoebe.
Prosecutor: Alleged means the crime in question.
Joey: Oh. Yeah, I think my ex-wife did it.
Prosecutor (getting agitated): You think?
Ross (to Chandler): That would be a first.
Joey: Yeah, I think she did it, but I can't be 100% sure.
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Judge Kerry (to the Defense): Your witness.
Defense Attorney: Mr. Tribbiani, do you love your ex-wife?
Prosecutor: Objection. Relevance?
Defense Attorney: The Defense is merely trying to ascertain the witness's feelings towards his ex-wife.
Judge Kerry: I'll allow it. Please answer the question Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Yeah, I love my ex-wife, I mean the defendant.
Defense Attorney: Two days before the alleged incident, were you not arrested for breaking and entering in Ms. Buffay's apartment?
Joey: Yes. Yes I was. But she dropped the charges.
Defense Attorney: I see. Moving forward. On the day the alleged crime took place, did you not hurl a stink bomb into the defendant's apartment?
Joey (laughing): Yes. Yes I did. Butů.
Defense Attorney: And later that day didn't you also super-glue her lock so she could not gain access to her residence?
Defense Attorney: And finally, didn't you repeatedly seek to have the charges against Ms. Buffay dropped?
Defense Attorney: So why are we here?
Joey: 'Cause the DA wants to nail my ex-wife?
(the courtroom laughs)
Defense Attorney: That was a rhetorical question Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: A what?
Defense Attorney: Never mind. No further questions.
Judge Kerry: Re-direct?
Prosecutor: Yes your honor. Mr. Tribbiani, did or did not your wife break into your apartment, steal your belongings and give them to her homeless friends?
Joey: I thought we already covered that?
Judge Kerry: Just answer yes or no Mr. Tribbiani.
Judge Kerry: Yes or no Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: I think so.
Chandler: We're gonna be here all day.
Monica: Shut up, he's doing a great job.
Judge Kerry: For the last time you moron, yes or no.
Prosecutor: No further questions your honor.
Judge Kerry: The witness is excused. Does the Prosecution have anymore witnesses?
Prosecutor: No your honor.
Judge Kerry: Ok, we'll take a thirty minute break and resume with the Defense's case.
Chandler: I think that went well.
Ross: I think all the criminals in New York wish they had Joey as a witness.
Monica: Instead of being called a witness, he should be called witless.
VICTORIA'S SECRET - LOS ANGELES (Rachel is interviewing candidates)
Ellen: Your last interview is here Rachel. Should I send him in?
Rachel: If he's anything like the last four candidates, no you shouldn't.
Ellen: I think you're gonna like him. He's been in the fashion industry for years.
Rachel: Yeah, the last woman who came in was 65 years old and that's what you said about her.
Ellen: Maybe, but he's also really cute.
Rachel: Well send him in then.
Ellen: Rachel this is Marků..
Rachel: Oh my God, Mark! What are you doing here?
Mark: Hi Rachel.
Ellen: You two know one another?
Rachel: Mark here got me my start in the fashion industry. Thank you Ellen, I'll take it from here.
Mark: Look at you, a big executive and stuff.
Rachel: I thought you were at Liz Claiborne?
Mark: I am. But my wife just got a promotion and a transfer to LA so I figured I'd better find a job in LA. So here I am.
Rachel: I just can't believe this. Who knew five years ago that I'd be interviewing you for a position at Victoria's Secret years later?
Mark: Yeah. It's pretty weird.
Rachel: I mean I had your resume on my desk here, but it didn't ring a bell.
Mark: Why not?
Rachel: 'Cause I never knew your last name.
Mark: Well it's right there. Mark Snow.
Rachel: So you're married now?
Mark: Yeah, do you remember Ginny?
Mark: She was the girl I dated after me and you went out that one time. We got back together two years ago and got married a year ago. What about you?
Rachel: I wound up marrying Ross.
Rachel: Yeah, are you surprised?
Mark: No, not at all. I always thought you two would end up together if he learned to get his jealousy streak under control.
Rachel: Yeah, we won't mention that I hired you for this job.
Mark: I got the job?
Rachel: Sure why not? You know what, I haven't eaten since this morning and I'm starving. Wanna go get something to eat?
Mark: I'd love to but my Ginny is like Ross, she has a mean jealous streak.
Rachel: That's ok. Ross would kill me if he found out I had lunch with you. So when can you start?
Mark: We're moving out here in a week. I can start a week after that.
Mark: Ah, what's the pay?
Rachel: What do you want?
Mark: How much are you making?
Rachel: More than what you'll be making.
Mark: $85,000 should work.
Rachel: Tell you what, I'll make it $105,000.
Mark: You're making more than that?
Rachel: Of course. I am woman.
Mark: But men always make more than women.
Rachel: Not here at Victoria's Secret.
NEW YORK CITY 12th DISTRICT COURT (The defense is presenting their case)
Judge Kerry: Do you have any other witnesses?
Defense Attorney: Yes, the Defense calls Phoebe Buffay to the stand.
Chandler: Risky move.
Chandler: 'Cause you never know what Phoebe's gonna say.
(Bailiff swears in Phoebe)
Defense Attorney: At the time of the alleged crime, where you not at war with your ex-husband, the victim, Mr. Joseph Tribbiani.
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I was at war with him.
Prosecutor: Your honor, this is ridiculous. Men and women don't declare war between one another when their relationship goes astray.
Judge Kerry: Have you ever been divorced Mr. Prosecutor?
Prosecutor: No, your honor. I haven't.
Judge Kerry: Then sit down and shut up. (to the Defense Attorney) Proceed.
Defense Attorney: Earlier we heard that Mr. Tribbiani had put a stink bomb in your apartment and super-glued your lock. Did he do those things to you?
Phoebe: Yes he did.
Defense Attorney: So you retaliated by giving him a laxative laced chocolate milkshake and removing his belongings from his apartment.
Defense Attorney: You didn't give his stuff to the homeless did you?
Phoebe: No I did not.
Defense Attorney: Where are Mr. Tribbiani's belongings?
Phoebe: At a storage facility in the Village.
Joey (to Monica): She didn't give my stuff away?
Monica: Doesn't look like it.
(Joey suddenly stands up)
Joey: Excuse me your honor, but I think we can stop the trial right here. It's obvious this is just a big misunderstanding.
Judge Kerry: Excuse me Mr. Tribbiani, but this is my courtroom and I make the rules. So please sit your fat ass down. If I could see both the prosecutor and the defense attorney in my chambers right now, that would be greatly appreciated.
(Both counsels retire to the Judge's chamber. Joey goes over to Phoebe)
Joey: Hey, I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
Phoebe: That's ok. It's been fun. I actually got to play checkers with a 400lbs woman. I also made some little woman my bitch for the day.
Joey: Man, it's sounds like you had more fun than I did when you had me arrested.
Phoebe: Oh it's ok sweetie, I'll make sure you get arrested a few more times so you can have a full experience.
Joey: That's why I love you.
Phoebe: You love me?
Joey: Of course.
Phoebe: Then why did you drop me like a cheap hooker?
Joey: Because I wanted to with you when you weren't mandated to be with me. (Phoebe starts laughing) What's so funny?
Phoebe: You used the word mandated and you have no idea what it means.
Joey: Yeah, I heard it on the news and I like how it sounded. Anyway, after I realized that I shouldn't have divorced you with talking with you first, I wanted to tell you how I felt, but you kept shutting me out.
Phoebe: Well I forgive you.
Joey: Thanks. (sexily) How you doin?
Phoebe: But don't push your luck.
(The judge and the attorneys return to the courtroom)
Judge Kerry: I would like to thank the District Attorney's office for ruining my day. I much would have rather played golf instead of listening to the crap that I've heard here today. The charges against Ms. Buffay have been dropped. You're free to go Ms. Buffay.
Phoebe: Thank you your honor.
Judge Kerry: If I could see both you and Mr. Tribbiani in my chamber for a minute, that'd be great.
(Joey and Phoebe go into the judge's chamber)
Joey: Thanks for dropping the charges your honor.
Judge Kerry: I didn't drop the charges Mr. Tribbiani, the prosecutor did.
Judge Kerry: I called you both in here to tell you one thing. Are you ready?
Judge Kerry: If either of you is ever in my courtroom again for some stupid prank like this one, I'll make sure that you spend the rest of your natural life in prison. Do I make myself clear?
Joey/Phoebe: Yes your honor.
Judge Kerry: Now get out of here. I taped General Hospital. I'm dying to find out what happens to Shannon.
Joey: You do know that I'm on the show.
Judge Kerry: Yes I know.
Joey: Do you want my autograph or something?
Judge Kerry: No, I just want you out of my chamber.
Joey: Fine. Be that way. Let's go Pheebs. Oh by the way your honor, Shannon doesn't survive the car crash. Have a nice day. (Phoebe and Joey leave)
(Judge Kerry is furious that Joey revealed the secret)
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Rachel: So I missed it. I missed the whole arrest and trial. God, you go away for a week and my friends start turning on one another.
Ross: I told you not to go to LA.
Rachel: Yeah, don't start with me.
Phoebe: It was fun. I absolutely loved being back in jail.
Monica: Fun? You could've been sent to prison.
Phoebe: So? I knew it wasn't going to happen. There's no way they could convict me, not with Joey as the primary witness for the prosecution.
Joey: Man, I'm telling you Rach, it was like the trial of the century.
Chandler: No Joe, it was more like the trial of the idiots.