Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)


Joey:So did she kill you?


Ross:Did who kill me?


Joey:Rachel.Did she kill you for the Chloe incident?


Ross:Not at all actually.Sheís been totally cool about it.


Chandler:Did you tell her about her mom hitting on you at dinner?


Ross:Do I look stupid?Sheíd kill me if she found out.


Joey:Yeah she would.But for the record, you are stupid.




CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monicaís reading on the couch as Rachel enters)


Rachel:Hey Mon.


Monica:Hey Rach.How are you doing?


Rachel:Iím fine.Why?


Monica:Youíre not upset with Ross about the whole Chloe thing?


Rachel:No, not at all.I trust him.I know he told me the truth.


Monica:But she was naked.


Rachel:Yeah, but he knows I look better naked.


Monica:I know that too.Has he stopped acting weird?




Monica:Whatís he been doing?


Rachel:Heís just more quiet than usual.Itís probably just pre-wedding jitters.


Monica:Are you sure?He has been married three times already.I think heíd be used to it by now.


Rachel:But this time he knows itís gonna last.




Rachel:Whereís Phoebe?


Monica:She went with Brad and Jennifer to the Statue of Liberty.Can you believe Phoebeís lived in New York City for all these years and has never been there?


Rachel:Iíve never been.


Monica:Yeah, me neither.


STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer have just departed the ferry)


Jennifer:Are you alright Phoebe?


Phoebe: Yeah, thank God we donít have to do that again.


Brad:Actually we have to take the ferry back to the City.


Phoebe:Canít we just swim back?


Jennifer:Ah Phoebe, you still have some barf in your hair.


Phoebe:Gross!I guess I could save it for later when I get hungry again.


Brad:I think Iím gonna be sick.


CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)


Joey:How long are you gonna be staying at my apartment?Youíre starting to ruin my sex life.


Chandler:Well I better go tell Monica that.Come on, itís only been a week.


Joey:I know and I havenít had sex all week.Iím dying here man!


Chandler:Courteneyís been in Florida all week tending to her dying grandfather.


Joey:I know.Whatís your point?


Chandler:So itís not like you could have sex anyway.


Joey:I donít know about you, but I know how to have fun by myself.


Chandler:Iím not stopping you.I know it hasnít stopped me.


Joey:Like Iím gonna do that with you in the next room.


Chandler:It never stopped you when we were living together.


Joey:Thatís because I never had to.




Joey:If my girlfriend went out of town, then I just called my back-up.I canít do that now, Iím in a serious relationship.


Chandler:You had a back-up?


Joey:Of course.






Chandler:Whoís Nora?


Joey:†† Your mom.See you later.(Joey sprints out leaving Chandler in a state of disbelief)


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is watching TV as Rachel enters)


Rachel:Hey honey!


Ross:Hi.How was your day?


Rachel:Well Beaver kept getting into trouble at school so I had to go meet with his Principal.




Rachel:I was mocking you, you know, Leave it to Beaver.


Ross:Oh, see I totally didnít get that.Really how was your day?


Rachel:It was fine.I spoke with my Mom and sheís coming to dinner tonight.I hope thatís ok.


Ross (uncomfortable):I really wish you had told me sooner.†† I already made plans to watch the basketball finals at Joeyís.


Rachel:Well cancel your plans, youíre having dinner with me and my Mom.


Ross:I canít do that sweetie, I already told Joey and Chandler that Iíd be there.


Rachel:Iím sure theyíll understand.


Ross:You donít understand, Iím hanging out with the guys tonight.Itís one of the last times Iíll get to hang out with them before I get married.†† Besides itís game seven, I canít miss it.Sorry.


Rachel:Whatís going on Ross?


Ross:Nothingís going on.I just wanna hang out with me friends, thatís all.


Rachel:Please you have been acting weird ever since we had dinner with my family.


Ross:No I havenít.


Rachel:Yes you have, you havenít made love to me all week.


Ross:I guess itís just a dry spell.Iím sorry.Do you wanna do it right now?




Ross:Then can I go to Joeyís?


Rachel:Fine.Go, I donít care.


Ross:Are you mad at me?


Rachel:No.Iíve got to go to the store to get something for dinner.Iíll talk to you later.


STATUE OF LIBERTY (Jennifer and Brad are trying to convince Phoebe that itís time to go)


Jennifer:Phoebe, if we donít get to the dock soon the ferryís gonna leave without us.


Phoebe:Just five more minutes.


Brad:Ah, they just closed the place.We have to go now.


Phoebe:You guys are celebrities, tell them to re-open the damn lady.I wanna go to the top again.


Brad:Youíve been to the top four times already.Itís time to go.


Phoebe:You guys go, Iíll swim back.


Jennifer:Itís a mile and a half swim and besides you donít know how to swim.


Phoebe:Iím not getting on the boat.No way, I just recovered from this morningís boat ride.


Brad (picking up Phoebe):Time to go.


Phoebe:Put me down you, you, you big hulking man beast!


(cut to the dock. The ferry is pulling away)


Jennifer:Great, we missed the last boat!Now what are we gonna do?


Phoebe:Oh well.Whoís up for that swimming work-out?


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching the game)


Joey:The Knicks shouldíve made the finals.Man, just once could they make the damn finals.


Chandler:Wanna beer?




Chandler:Good, while youíre up, get me one too.


(Ross enters)




Chandler:What are you doing here?


Ross:I came to watch the game.


Joey:You donít even know whoís playing.


Ross:Sure I do, itís the Lakers and the Sixers.


Joey:Howíd you do that?


Ross:It says it right there on the TV.




Chandler:Seriously why are you here?


Ross:Rachel invited her Mom to dinner without asking me.




Ross:So, I canít have dinner with that woman again until after weíre married.


Joey:Itís not like sheís gonna hit on you with just Rachel and you there.


Ross:She did the other night.


Chandler:And you still havenít told Rachel?


Ross:No, do you think I stupid or something?


Joey:I think weíve already covered that.


Ross (ignoring Joey):I just donít want Rachel mad at her Mom, not before the wedding.


Chandler:Wanna beer?


Ross:Yeah thanks.


Chandler (sitting down):Theyíre in the refrigerator.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and her Mom are having dinner)


Sandra:This is really good fried chicken, where did you get it?


Rachel:I made it.




Rachel:Kentucky Fried Chicken.


Sandra:Whereís Ross?


Rachel:Heís at Joeyís.Boys night out.Heís watching the basketball game or something.††


Sandra:Didnít they have that last week at their party?


Rachel:Yeah.But I want him to have as much time with his friends before we get married.


Sandra:Honey, whatís wrong?


Rachel:Nothing, Iím fine.Everythingís cool.


Sandra:Rachel, tell me whatís wrong.


Rachel (filling up with tears):I think heís having second thoughts about marrying me!


Sandra:Do you want me to talk to him?


Rachel:No.I just know somethingís bothering him, but he wonít tell me.


Sandra:When did start acting weird?


Rachel:After he had dinner with the family.


Sandra:Oh.I think I know what might be bothering him.


Rachel:Really, what?


Sandra:You know when Ross went to the restroom while we where at dinnerÖ.


Rachel:Yeah, he said he ate a bad meatball.


Sandra:I think I freaked him out.


Rachel:Why?Why?Why, would you freak him out?Heís the one that wanted you there.


Sandra:But I donít think he appreciated me rubbing his leg under the table.


Rachel (floored):What?!


THE STATUE OF LIBERTY(Phoebe, Brad, and Jennifer are stranded)


Phoebe:Wow, this is kinda like Gilliganís Island.


Brad:Then why donít you use your coconut phone and call a helicopter to airlift us of this island!


Phoebe:Why are you so pissy?Look at the beautiful skyline.And hey, we can go in the morning I promise.


Jennifer:Iím starving.Anyone got any food?




Phoebe: I just ate my last Snickers bar, sorry.


Jennifer (mad):How many have you had?


Phoebe:Five or six, I lost count.


Brad (to Jennifer):We could always eat her.


Jennifer:How should we kill her?


Brad:Iíve got my stun gun in the backpack.Do you have your knife?


Jennifer:Yeah.Letís get her.


(Jennifer and Brad start chasing Phoebe around Ellis Island)


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (the guys are still watching the game.Thereís a knock on the door)


Joey:The pizzaís here!


Chandler: We didnít order pizza you idiot.


Ross:And you say Iím stupid.


Joey:Come in, itís open!


(The door opens and itís Monica)


Monica:Hey guys, what ya doing?


Joey:Guys stuff.Goodbye.


Chandler:Weíre watching the basketball game.


Monica:Can I watch?


Joey:You donít even know whoís playing.


Monica:Itís the Lakers versus the Sixers.The series is tied 3 games a piece and the Lakers are currently up by 3 and itís the third quarter.


Joey:Have a seat.


(Monica sits on Chandlerís lap)


Monica:Hi honey!


Chandler:So youíre saying I can sleep at home tonight.


Monica:Youíve done your time.


(Monica starts whispering in Chandlerís ear)


Chandler:Monica and I are gonna go.Have fun.


Joey:Wait!You canít leave, the game isnít over yet!


Monica:We have something we have to do.


Ross:Fine, go have sex.


Monica:Weíre not just having sex, weíre shooting for a baby.


Joey:Go! Go!


Chandler:Now you want to get rid of us?


Joey:Out!Thereís no baby making talk in my apartment.I donít want anyone filling Courteneyís head with baby talk!


Chandler:Sheís not even here!


Joey:Itís the vibe.Thereís a baby talk vibe.Get out!


(Monica and Chandler leave)


Ross:You really believe that crap about a baby vibe?


Joey (lying):No.You?


Ross (also lying):Me neither.


THE STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are sitting on the steps)


Phoebe:See, I told you this wouldnít be so bad.


Jennifer:For you, youíve eaten six Snickers bars since we got here. I havenít eaten since breakfast.


Brad:Yeah Pheebs, you even got to eat breakfast twice.


Phoebe:No I didnít.


Brad:You donít remember eating the barf out of your hair?


Phoebe:Oh. I forgot about that.


Jennifer:Did you make the call?


Brad:Yeah.They said theyíd be here in ten minutes.


Phoebe:Whoís gonna be here in ten minutes?


Brad:Jennifer and Iís ride.




Jennifer:Brad called the police.Theyíre sending a helicopter to pick us up.


Phoebe:All of us?


Brad:No, just Jen and I.Theyíre sending a boat for you.


Phoebe:No way, Iím going on the helicopter.Iím not taking a stupid boat back to the City.


Jennifer:The thing is, you donít have a choice.Thereís only room enough for two.


Phoebe:Well then why arenít you guys taking the boat with me?


Brad:ĎCause we told the police who we were and that we were stuck on the Ellis Island with a madwoman.They asked who it was and when we said Phoebe Buffay, they started laughing.Apparently you have quite the reputation with the Police Department.Here comes the helicopter now.


Phoebe:No!Donít make me take the boat.Please, Iíll do anything.




Phoebe:You name it Iíll do it.


Brad:Alright, letís go.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Sandra are present)


Rachel:You were rubbing my boyfriendís leg!Your future son-in-lawís leg!Do you, you want to sleep with Ross?


Sandra:No.I made a mistake.I had been drinking.


Rachel:You had ice tea!Thatís not drinking mom!


Sandra:Good point.Iím sorry sweet pea, I donít know what came over me.Itís just ever since I left your father, I havenít been with a man.


Rachel:So you decided to hit on my fiancť!No wonder why Ross has been acting so weird!Heís been hit on by ever female in our family!


Sandra:Calm down Rachel.


Rachel:Donít tell me to calm down!Youíre my mother!I trust you with my deepest secrets and two weeks before my wedding I find out that you were hitting on my fiancť!You know what, I want you out!Donít bother coming to the wedding, youíre not welcome!


Sandra:Rachel, please, it didnít mean anything.I made a mistake.Itíll never happen again.


Rachel:Youíre damn right itíll never happen again!I donít wanna see you anymore mom!


Sandra:I love you Rachel.


Rachel:Thatís nice mom.But you know what, you blew it.Donít blame me when you donít see your grandkids.Itís all your fault!Get out!


Sandra:I know youíre upset dear.Look, Iíll call you later, we can talk this out.


Rachel:Goodbye Mom.


(Sandra leaves.Rachel sits down and cries)


CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are lying in bed)


Monica (mad):You know weíre gonna have to do it again.


Chandler:I know, Iím sorry.


Monica:Why did you wear a condom?




Monica:Weíre married now and weíre trying to have a kid.A condom isnít the way to achieve that goal.Damn it Chandler!Are you ready yet?


Chandler (he looks under the sheets):Half mast, not ready yet.How Ďbout a little Joplin?


Monica:So the truth comes out.You did this to get a hummer out of the deal.


Chandler (lying):I did not!Iím just sexually challenged.I got confused.


(Phoebe, Jennifer and Brad enter the apartment)


Phoebe:Mon?Chandler?Itís Phoebe.Iíve got Brad and Jennifer with me.(to Brad and Jennifer)They must be having sex.


(in the bedroom)


Monica:Damn it!Weíre never gonna have a baby if you donít remember to lock the front door.Youíre a complete idiot.


Chandler:Hey!You better be nice to me.You canít get pregnant by yourself.


Monica:We do have a mailman.


Chandler:Too bad heís gay.


Monica:Heís gay?


Chandler:Yeah, he hit on Joey about a week ago.Totally freaked him out.


(outside the bedroom)


Jennifer:Should we go?


Phoebe:No, theyíre probably just getting dressed.Iíll go see whatís keeping them.


Brad:She really is a lunatic.I like that in a woman.(Jennifer glares at Brad)But I love you the most.


(Phoebe opens the bedroom door)


Phoebe:Hey guys!


Chandler:Phoebe!Get out of here!Weíre naked!


Phoebe:Like I havenít seen you guys naked.Hell, I watched you guys do it from Rossís apartment.By the way Mon, youíre one talented woman.I never knew you were so limber.††


Monica (embarrassed):Weíll be right there Pheebs.Now get out!


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross returns from Joeyís.The apartment is pitch black)


Ross (VO):Rach must have gone to Monís.(Ross turns on a light and finds Rachel asleep on the couch)Rach, Rach, wake up.


Rachel:Huh?(sees that itís Ross)Oh, hi.I must have fallen asleep.How was Joeyís?


Ross:It was fun.The Lakers won the series.


Rachel:Thatís nice.Who are the Lakers?


Ross:Theyíre the team fromÖ.


Rachel:I was being nice.I really donít care.


Ross:How was dinner with your Mom?(Rachel bursts into tears)What happened?


Rachel:Why didnít you tell me?


Ross:Tell you what?


Rachel:About my mom?


Ross:What about her?


Rachel:Why didnít you tell me that she hit on you?Why didnít tell me that she was the one rubbing your leg?


Ross:I didnít want to upset you.Not so close to the wedding.I figured Iíd handle it by myself.


Rachel:Weíre a team.Me and you are a team.We donít handle things by ourselves anymore.Weíre a $%^&*@# team!


Ross:Ok, ok.Calm down.Weíll work this out.


Rachel:You and I are fine Ross.But Iíve lost my mother.


Ross:You havenít lost your mother, youíre just upset.Rightfully so.


Rachel:I canít believe she did this.I mean, sheís my mother!Who does she think she is, Mrs Robinson?


Ross:The Graduate?That was a great movie.(Rachel glares at Ross)Maybe not the best time to bring that up.Donít worry Rach, this will work itself out.


Rachel:You donít understand.I never want to see her again.




CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey are inside Central Perk.Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are outside.Phoebe is dressed in an overcoat)


Chandler:Where are Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer?


Monica:They said they be here but they had to do something first.


(Cut to outside)


Phoebe:Do I really have to do this?


Jennifer:You rode in the helicopter didnít you?


Phoebe:And I got sicker than I got on the boat.


Brad:Too bad.Youíre doing it.


Phoebe:Fine.Here goes nothing.(Phoebe drops her coat and sheís complete naked.She enters Central Perk screaming at the top of lungs ďNudity rulesĒ)


Rachel:Was that Phoebe?


Joey:That was all of Phoebe baby!