THE ONE WHERE THE TRUTH COMES OUT
Written
by: Ethan
Disclaimer:
These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane
Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for
entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Joey are present)
Joey: So did she kill you?
Ross: Did who kill me?
Joey: Rachel. Did she kill you for the Chloe incident?
Ross: Not at all actually. She’s been totally cool about it.
Chandler: Did you tell her about her mom hitting on you at dinner?
Ross: Do I look stupid? She’d kill me if she found out.
Joey: Yeah she would. But for the record, you are stupid.
OPENING CREDITS
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica’s reading on the couch as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey Mon.
Monica: Hey Rach. How are you doing?
Rachel: I’m fine. Why?
Monica: You’re not upset with Ross about the whole Chloe thing?
Rachel: No, not at all. I trust him. I know he told me the truth.
Monica: But she was naked.
Rachel: Yeah, but he knows I look better naked.
Monica: I know that too. Has he stopped acting weird?
Rachel: No.
Monica: What’s he been doing?
Rachel: He’s just more quiet than usual. It’s probably just pre-wedding jitters.
Monica: Are you sure? He has been married three times already. I think he’d be used to it by now.
Rachel: But this time he knows it’s gonna last.
Monica: True.
Rachel: Where’s Phoebe?
Monica: She went with Brad and Jennifer to the Statue of Liberty. Can you believe Phoebe’s lived in New York City for all these years and has never been there?
Rachel: I’ve never been.
Monica: Yeah, me neither.
STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer have just departed the ferry)
Jennifer: Are you alright Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, thank God we don’t have to do that again.
Brad: Actually we have to take the ferry back to the City.
Phoebe: Can’t we just swim back?
Jennifer: Ah Phoebe, you still have some barf in your hair.
Phoebe: Gross! I guess I could save it for later when I get hungry again.
Brad: I think I’m gonna be sick.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Chandler are present)
Joey: How long are you gonna be staying at my apartment? You’re starting to ruin my sex life.
Chandler: Well I better go tell Monica that. Come on, it’s only been a week.
Joey: I know and I haven’t had sex all week. I’m dying here man!
Chandler: Courteney’s been in Florida all week tending to her dying grandfather.
Joey: I know. What’s your point?
Chandler: So it’s not like you could have sex anyway.
Joey: I don’t know about you, but I know how to have fun by myself.
Chandler: I’m not stopping you. I know it hasn’t stopped me.
Joey: Like I’m gonna do that with you in the next room.
Chandler: It never stopped you when we were living together.
Joey: That’s because I never had to.
Chandler: What?
Joey: If my girlfriend went out of town, then I just called my back-up. I can’t do that now, I’m in a serious relationship.
Chandler: You had a back-up?
Joey: Of course.
Chandler: Who?
Joey: Nora.
Chandler: Who’s Nora?
Joey: Your mom. See you later. (Joey sprints out leaving Chandler in a state of disbelief)
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is watching TV as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey honey!
Ross: Hi. How was your day?
Rachel: Well Beaver kept getting into trouble at school so I had to go meet with his Principal.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I was mocking you, you know, Leave it to Beaver.
Ross: Oh, see I totally didn’t get that. Really how was your day?
Rachel: It was fine. I spoke with my Mom and she’s coming to dinner tonight. I hope that’s ok.
Ross (uncomfortable): I really wish you had told me sooner. I already made plans to watch the basketball finals at Joey’s.
Rachel: Well cancel your plans, you’re having dinner with me and my Mom.
Ross: I can’t do that sweetie, I already told Joey and Chandler that I’d be there.
Rachel: I’m sure they’ll understand.
Ross: You don’t understand, I’m hanging out with the guys tonight. It’s one of the last times I’ll get to hang out with them before I get married. Besides it’s game seven, I can’t miss it. Sorry.
Rachel: What’s going on Ross?
Ross: Nothing’s going on. I just wanna hang out with me friends, that’s all.
Rachel: Please you have been acting weird ever since we had dinner with my family.
Ross: No I haven’t.
Rachel: Yes you have, you haven’t made love to me all week.
Ross: I guess it’s just a dry spell. I’m sorry. Do you wanna do it right now?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Then can I go to Joey’s?
Rachel: Fine. Go, I don’t care.
Ross: Are you mad at me?
Rachel: No. I’ve got to go to the store to get something for dinner. I’ll talk to you later.
STATUE OF LIBERTY (Jennifer and Brad are trying to convince Phoebe that it’s time to go)
Jennifer: Phoebe, if we don’t get to the dock soon the ferry’s gonna leave without us.
Phoebe: Just five more minutes.
Brad: Ah, they just closed the place. We have to go now.
Phoebe: You guys are celebrities, tell them to re-open the damn lady. I wanna go to the top again.
Brad: You’ve been to the top four times already. It’s time to go.
Phoebe: You guys go, I’ll swim back.
Jennifer: It’s a mile and a half swim and besides you don’t know how to swim.
Phoebe: I’m not getting on the boat. No way, I just recovered from this morning’s boat ride.
Brad (picking up Phoebe): Time to go.
Phoebe: Put me down you, you, you big hulking man beast!
(cut to the dock. The ferry is pulling away)
Jennifer: Great, we missed the last boat! Now what are we gonna do?
Phoebe: Oh well. Who’s up for that swimming work-out?
JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching the game)
Joey: The Knicks should’ve made the finals. Man, just once could they make the damn finals.
Chandler: Wanna beer?
Joey: Yeah. Thanks.
Chandler: Good, while you’re up, get me one too.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Ross: I came to watch the game.
Joey: You don’t even know who’s playing.
Ross: Sure I do, it’s the Lakers and the Sixers.
Joey: How’d you do that?
Ross: It says it right there on the TV.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Seriously why are you here?
Ross: Rachel invited her Mom to dinner without asking me.
Chandler: So?
Ross: So, I can’t have dinner with that woman again until after we’re married.
Joey: It’s not like she’s gonna hit on you with just Rachel and you there.
Ross: She did the other night.
Chandler: And you still haven’t told Rachel?
Ross: No, do you think I stupid or something?
Joey: I think we’ve already covered that.
Ross (ignoring Joey): I just don’t want Rachel mad at her Mom, not before the wedding.
Chandler: Wanna beer?
Ross: Yeah thanks.
Chandler (sitting down): They’re in the refrigerator.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and her Mom are having dinner)
Sandra: This is really good fried chicken, where did you get it?
Rachel: I made it.
Sandra: Rachel?
Rachel: Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Sandra: Where’s Ross?
Rachel: He’s at Joey’s. Boys night out. He’s watching the basketball game or something.
Sandra: Didn’t they have that last week at their party?
Rachel: Yeah. But I want him to have as much time with his friends before we get married.
Sandra: Honey, what’s wrong?
Rachel: Nothing, I’m fine. Everything’s cool.
Sandra: Rachel, tell me what’s wrong.
Rachel (filling up with tears): I think he’s having second thoughts about marrying me!
Sandra: Do you want me to talk to him?
Rachel: No. I just know something’s bothering him, but he won’t tell me.
Sandra: When did start acting weird?
Rachel: After he had dinner with the family.
Sandra: Oh. I think I know what might be bothering him.
Rachel: Really, what?
Sandra: You know when Ross went to the restroom while we where at dinner….
Rachel: Yeah, he said he ate a bad meatball.
Sandra: I think I freaked him out.
Rachel: Why? Why? Why, would you freak him out? He’s the one that wanted you there.
Sandra: But I don’t think he appreciated me rubbing his leg under the table.
Rachel (floored): What?!
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad, and Jennifer are stranded)
Phoebe: Wow, this is kinda like Gilligan’s Island.
Brad: Then why don’t you use your coconut phone and call a helicopter to airlift us of this island!
Phoebe: Why are you so pissy? Look at the beautiful skyline. And hey, we can go in the morning I promise.
Jennifer: I’m starving. Anyone got any food?
Brad: No.
Phoebe: I just ate my last Snickers bar, sorry.
Jennifer (mad): How many have you had?
Phoebe: Five or six, I lost count.
Brad (to Jennifer): We could always eat her.
Jennifer: How should we kill her?
Brad: I’ve got my stun gun in the backpack. Do you have your knife?
Jennifer: Yeah. Let’s get her.
(Jennifer and Brad start chasing Phoebe around Ellis Island)
JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (the guys are still watching the game. There’s a knock on the door)
Joey: The pizza’s here!
Chandler: We didn’t order pizza you idiot.
Ross: And you say I’m stupid.
Joey: Come in, it’s open!
(The door opens and it’s Monica)
Monica: Hey guys, what ya doing?
Joey: Guys stuff. Goodbye.
Chandler: We’re watching the basketball game.
Monica: Can I watch?
Joey: You don’t even know who’s playing.
Monica: It’s the Lakers versus the Sixers. The series is tied 3 games a piece and the Lakers are currently up by 3 and it’s the third quarter.
Joey: Have a seat.
(Monica sits on Chandler’s lap)
Monica: Hi honey!
Chandler: So you’re saying I can sleep at home tonight.
Monica: You’ve done your time.
(Monica starts whispering in Chandler’s ear)
Chandler: Monica and I are gonna go. Have fun.
Joey: Wait! You can’t leave, the game isn’t over yet!
Monica: We have something we have to do.
Ross: Fine, go have sex.
Monica: We’re not just having sex, we’re shooting for a baby.
Joey: Go! Go!
Chandler: Now you want to get rid of us?
Joey: Out! There’s no baby making talk in my apartment. I don’t want anyone filling Courteney’s head with baby talk!
Chandler: She’s not even here!
Joey: It’s the vibe. There’s a baby talk vibe. Get out!
(Monica and Chandler leave)
Ross: You really believe that crap about a baby vibe?
Joey (lying): No. You?
Ross (also lying): Me neither.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY (Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are sitting on the steps)
Phoebe: See, I told you this wouldn’t be so bad.
Jennifer: For you, you’ve eaten six Snickers bars since we got here. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.
Brad: Yeah Pheebs, you even got to eat breakfast twice.
Phoebe: No I didn’t.
Brad: You don’t remember eating the barf out of your hair?
Phoebe: Oh. I forgot about that.
Jennifer: Did you make the call?
Brad: Yeah. They said they’d be here in ten minutes.
Phoebe: Who’s gonna be here in ten minutes?
Brad: Jennifer and I’s ride.
Phoebe: Huh?
Jennifer: Brad called the police. They’re sending a helicopter to pick us up.
Phoebe: All of us?
Brad: No, just Jen and I. They’re sending a boat for you.
Phoebe: No way, I’m going on the helicopter. I’m not taking a stupid boat back to the City.
Jennifer: The thing is, you don’t have a choice. There’s only room enough for two.
Phoebe: Well then why aren’t you guys taking the boat with me?
Brad: ‘Cause we told the police who we were and that we were stuck on the Ellis Island with a madwoman. They asked who it was and when we said Phoebe Buffay, they started laughing. Apparently you have quite the reputation with the Police Department. Here comes the helicopter now.
Phoebe: No! Don’t make me take the boat. Please, I’ll do anything.
Jennifer: Anything?
Phoebe: You name it I’ll do it.
Brad: Alright, let’s go.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Sandra are present)
Rachel: You were rubbing my boyfriend’s leg! Your future son-in-law’s leg! Do you, you want to sleep with Ross?
Sandra: No. I made a mistake. I had been drinking.
Rachel: You had ice tea! That’s not drinking mom!
Sandra: Good point. I’m sorry sweet pea, I don’t know what came over me. It’s just ever since I left your father, I haven’t been with a man.
Rachel: So you decided to hit on my fiancé! No wonder why Ross has been acting so weird! He’s been hit on by ever female in our family!
Sandra: Calm down Rachel.
Rachel: Don’t tell me to calm down! You’re my mother! I trust you with my deepest secrets and two weeks before my wedding I find out that you were hitting on my fiancé! You know what, I want you out! Don’t bother coming to the wedding, you’re not welcome!
Sandra: Rachel, please, it didn’t mean anything. I made a mistake. It’ll never happen again.
Rachel: You’re damn right it’ll never happen again! I don’t wanna see you anymore mom!
Sandra: I love you Rachel.
Rachel: That’s nice mom. But you know what, you blew it. Don’t blame me when you don’t see your grandkids. It’s all your fault! Get out!
Sandra: I know you’re upset dear. Look, I’ll call you later, we can talk this out.
Rachel: Goodbye Mom.
(Sandra leaves. Rachel sits down and cries)
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are lying in bed)
Monica (mad): You know we’re gonna have to do it again.
Chandler: I know, I’m sorry.
Monica: Why did you wear a condom?
Chandler: Habit?
Monica: We’re married now and we’re trying to have a kid. A condom isn’t the way to achieve that goal. Damn it Chandler! Are you ready yet?
Chandler (he looks under the sheets): Half mast, not ready yet. How ‘bout a little Joplin?
Monica: So the truth comes out. You did this to get a hummer out of the deal.
Chandler (lying): I did not! I’m just sexually challenged. I got confused.
(Phoebe, Jennifer and Brad enter the apartment)
Phoebe: Mon? Chandler? It’s Phoebe. I’ve got Brad and Jennifer with me. (to Brad and Jennifer) They must be having sex.
(in the bedroom)
Monica: Damn it! We’re never gonna have a baby if you don’t remember to lock the front door. You’re a complete idiot.
Chandler: Hey! You better be nice to me. You can’t get pregnant by yourself.
Monica: We do have a mailman.
Chandler: Too bad he’s gay.
Monica: He’s gay?
Chandler: Yeah, he hit on Joey about a week ago. Totally freaked him out.
(outside the bedroom)
Jennifer: Should we go?
Phoebe: No, they’re probably just getting dressed. I’ll go see what’s keeping them.
Brad: She really is a lunatic. I like that in a woman. (Jennifer glares at Brad) But I love you the most.
(Phoebe opens the bedroom door)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Chandler: Phoebe! Get out of here! We’re naked!
Phoebe: Like I haven’t seen you guys naked. Hell, I watched you guys do it from Ross’s apartment. By the way Mon, you’re one talented woman. I never knew you were so limber.
Monica (embarrassed): We’ll be right there Pheebs. Now get out!
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross returns from Joey’s. The apartment is pitch black)
Ross (VO): Rach must have gone to Mon’s. (Ross turns on a light and finds Rachel asleep on the couch) Rach, Rach, wake up.
Rachel: Huh? (sees that it’s Ross) Oh, hi. I must have fallen asleep. How was Joey’s?
Ross: It was fun. The Lakers won the series.
Rachel: That’s nice. Who are the Lakers?
Ross: They’re the team from….
Rachel: I was being nice. I really don’t care.
Ross: How was dinner with your Mom? (Rachel bursts into tears) What happened?
Rachel: Why didn’t you tell me?
Ross: Tell you what?
Rachel: About my mom?
Ross: What about her?
Rachel: Why didn’t you tell me that she hit on you? Why didn’t tell me that she was the one rubbing your leg?
Ross: I didn’t want to upset you. Not so close to the wedding. I figured I’d handle it by myself.
Rachel: We’re a team. Me and you are a team. We don’t handle things by ourselves anymore. We’re a $%^&*@# team!
Ross: Ok, ok. Calm down. We’ll work this out.
Rachel: You and I are fine Ross. But I’ve lost my mother.
Ross: You haven’t lost your mother, you’re just upset. Rightfully so.
Rachel: I can’t believe she did this. I mean, she’s my mother! Who does she think she is, Mrs Robinson?
Ross: The Graduate? That was a great movie. (Rachel glares at Ross) Maybe not the best time to bring that up. Don’t worry Rach, this will work itself out.
Rachel: You don’t understand. I never want to see her again.
CLOSING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey are inside Central Perk. Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer are outside. Phoebe is dressed in an overcoat)
Chandler: Where are Phoebe, Brad and Jennifer?
Monica: They said they be here but they had to do something first.
(Cut to outside)
Phoebe: Do I really have to do this?
Jennifer: You rode in the helicopter didn’t you?
Phoebe: And I got sicker than I got on the boat.
Brad: Too bad. You’re doing it.
Phoebe: Fine. Here goes nothing. (Phoebe drops her coat and she’s complete naked. She enters Central Perk screaming at the top of lungs “Nudity rules”)
Rachel: Was that Phoebe?
Joey: That was all of Phoebe baby!