THE ONE WITH THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Ross are present)

Monica: Are you getting more sleep these days Ross?

Ross: If you call taking a nap in my office getting enough sleep then yeah.

Chandler: I know that works for me. Get a little loving during the middle of the night then taking a nap at work in my office, yeah, you can’t beat it.

Monica: You know one these days Bill’s going to catch you napping and fire your ass.

Chandler: Highly doubtful.

Ross: Why? What makes you so special?

Chandler: Bill thinks I have narcolepsy.

Monica: Narcolepsy?

Chandler: Yeah, it’s a sleeping disorder where you fall asleep at any time.

Monica: You’re whole life is a lie isn’t it?

Chandler: Pretty much.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Joey: You know what I was thinking?

Rachel: Wait, you actually have a thought?

Joey: It occurs every four years.

Chandler: Just like leap day.

Phoebe: Yeah don’t get me started on that.

Ross: What’s wrong with leap day?

Phoebe: It’s a government conspiracy.

Joey: Yeah it is.

Monica: Leap day is part of a government conspiracy? I thought it was just because it takes the earth a year and some change to make a complete orbit around the sun and to even things out they add a day every four years.

Phoebe: Oh my God, they’ve gotten to you!

Rachel: It’s becoming more apparent every day that Phoebe didn’t go to high school.

Chandler: What’s Joey’s excuse?

Rachel: He’s Joey, we know he‘s dumb.

Joey: My stupidity aside, as I was gonna say, I had a thought. We haven’t done anything as a group since we all went to California. So I was thinking that we should all do something together.

Monica: That’s not a bad idea.

Chandler: Huh? I thought we spend all our time together anyway.

Joey: But we never go anywhere. Let’s go somewhere where we can be free.

Phoebe: Have you started smoking pot again?

Joey: Only on odd numbered days.

Ross: What do you have in mind Joey?

Joey: We could rent a house on the beach or something.

Monica: That sounds good. Of course, there will be no pissing contest this time.

Chandler: Yes, we’re very aware that you married the man who pissed on you.

Monica: Funny how fate brought us together.

Rachel: So when are we going?

Joey: This weekend.

Phoebe: I know, I know! I know where we could go!

Ross: Calm down Pheebs.

Phoebe: We can go to Atlantic City!

Monica: No way! Chandler’s not allowed near Atlantic City. He’ll lose all our money again!

Chandler: Another moment in our life together that I’ll never be able to live down.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll make sure he wins.

Ross: How are you gonna do that?

Phoebe: I know how to count cards.

Joey: Me too. There’s 50 cards in a deck.

Rachel: There’s 52 cards in a deck Joey.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Remind to never let Joey near the table that I’m at.

Phoebe: Look, you guys promised me a trip to Atlantic City and now you’re gonna follow through on that promise.

Monica: When did we ever promise a trip to Atlantic City?

Phoebe: When you got back from London. We were all set to go and then my water broke and we couldn’t go. Now we’re going.

Chandler: That was four years ago.

Phoebe: Is there a statute of limitations or something?

Joey: No. There’s only a Statute of Liberty. Geez, even I know that.

Rachel: I can’t take Caitlin to Atlantic City. I guess I’ll have to stay at home.

Ross: Carol can watch Caitlin. She owes us big time.

Rachel: And convert her to lesbianism? I don’t think so.

Monica: Then have my Mom and Dad watch her. They’ve always wanted to watch one of their grandchildren.

Rachel: That’s a good idea. Ok, Atlantic City, here we come.

Joey (to Chandler): Is there really a statute of limitations?

Chandler: Yes Joey, it’s in Kansas.

Joey: We should totally go there.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready to go. Rachel is fretting about Caitlin)

Rachel: I don’t think I should go.

Ross: Rach, Caitlin’s gonna be fine. My parents know what they’re doing. They raised two children after all.

Rachel: That’s what I’m worried about, they raised you and look how you turned out.

Ross: Insult me all you want, we’re still going.

Rachel: Have we forgotten anything?

Ross: Let’s see, you pumped 20 bottles of breast milk in the past day, packed enough clothes for Caitlin to last two weeks and, and oh yes, you put a picture of yourself in her bag. I think you’ve gotten everything.

(there’s a knock at the door)

Rachel: Who do you think that is?

Ross: It’s the bogeyman, he’s come for Caitlin.

Rachel: That’s not even funny.

Ross: Would you relax? It’s probably my parents.

Rachel: Right. They’re taking Caitlin.

(Ross opens the door, it’s Mr. & Mrs. Geller)

Mr. Geller: Hi son. We’re here to babysit our granddaughter.

Ross: Hey Dad. Hey Mom.

Mrs. Geller: Hello Rachel dear.

Rachel: Hello Mrs. Geller.

Mrs. Geller: It’s Mom. Please call me Mom.

Rachel: Sorry. I’m still getting used to being married.

Ross: We’ve been married for eleven months!

Rachel: Though it seems like years.

Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Hi Mr. Geller.

Mr. Geller: Please call me Dad.

Rachel: Right, I knew that. Ok, Caitlin’s been fed and shouldn’t have to eat for another four hours. Here’s her clothes and her crib is over there.

Mrs. Geller (to Ross): You didn’t tell her?

Ross: Tell her what?

Mrs. Geller: That we‘re staying here for the weekend. We didn’t want to take Caitlin out of her element, so we’re staying here.

Ross: That’s great. Good idea.

Rachel: Thanks so much guys, this means a lot to me.

Mr. Geller: Come on, you’re family, this is what being a family is all about, helping one another.

Mrs. Geller: Yes, and in spite of how Monica turned out, we’re excellent parents.

IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)

Chandler: You know a few years ago we sat at this very spot and you told me that I’d never be boyfriend material.

Monica: You’re still not boyfriend material. If Brad ever dumps Jennifer, I’m going after him and dumping your sorry ass.

Chandler: I love you too sweetie.

Monica: Who would’ve thought that that weekend at the beach would be the first time I’d see your peepee?

Chandler: Yes, that was a magical moment in our budding relationship. After that, you just had to have me.

Monica: After that, I wanted to take a 30 minute shower and forget what you did to me.

(Joey and Phoebe drive up in a mini-van)

Chandler: What the heck is that?

Joey: Not bad eh? It seats six and everyone gets their own cup holder.

Monica: Score!

Phoebe: The backseat’s roomy too. Joey and I tested it out for you guys.

Chandler: You didn’t.

Joey: Yeah baby, we christened the van.

(Ross and Rachel approach)

Ross: Cool wheels. (to Rachel) We’re getting one of those after our next child.

Rachel: I don’t see how that’s possible since I’m letting you touch me anymore.

Chandler: Still haven’t had sex since the baby was born?

Ross: Not really. I have a lot of sex, just not with Rachel.

Joey: You’re cheating on Rachel?

Ross: Pleasing myself is not cheating Joey.

Monica: Ok, enough of the sex talk, let’s hit the road.

Rachel: Who’s driving?

Phoebe: I am!

Ross: Yeah, Rach and I will take a cab and meet you there.

Rachel: Come on Ross, if you drove we wouldn’t get there until Sunday.

Ross: I am not a bad driver.

Chandler: No, the problem is that you drive like a grandmother.

Monica: Get in the car!

Joey: Looks like Mom has made the final decision. Let’s go. Atlantic City baby!

NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (The mini-van has broken down. The gang is trying to figure out what to do)

Monica: Well this is just great. We’re sitting on the New Jersey Turnpike, we have no food and no place to go to the bathroom.

Joey: What are you talking about? I just went.

Rachel: Where’d you go?

Joey: That bush right over there.

Rachel: In front of traffic? Are you crazy?

Joey: Hey, if a man has to go, a man has to go. And besides, I have impressive equipment.

Chandler: Yeah, you won’t catch me doing that.

Joey: Well you’re not a man now are you?

Ross: Does anyone have their cell phone?

All (in unison): No.

Ross: Not one of you brought your cell phone?

Rachel: Did you bring yours?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Then shut up.

Phoebe: Would everyone relax, a tow truck will come and help us out in a few minutes.

Monica: They better, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Chandler: Are you pregnant?

Monica: Ah, no. Don’t you think you’d know if I was pregnant?

Chandler: Sorry. You just seem to be going to the bathroom a lot lately.

Monica: If you must know, it’s that time of the month.

Chandler: Yeah, I didn’t wanna know that.

Phoebe: Joey, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: I trying to flag down help.

Phoebe: Standing in the middle of the fast lane is not the way to flag down help.

Joey: You’ve got a better idea?

Phoebe: You’re supposed to flash your breasts.

Joey: Ok, that would only work for you.

Rachel (to Ross): I hope Caitlin’s ok.

Ross: I’m sure she’s fine Rach. Trust me, my parents know what they’re doing.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Mr. & Mrs. Geller are trying to babysit Caitlin)

Mr. Geller: Judy, could you please get Caitlin to stop crying? I’m trying to watch the Yanni concert on PBS.

Mrs. Geller: Where did Rachel put the milk?

Mr. Geller: It’s in the refrigerator.

Mrs. Geller: Jack, could you help me please?

Mr. Geller: What do you need me to do? You know I don’t know anything about babies.

Mrs. Geller: Just hold her for a minute while I get the milk ready.

Mr. Geller: Hi Caitlin, I’m grandpa. Yes, I am. I’m your grandpa. (Caitlin spits up and gets it all over Mr. Geller’s face) Ah Judy, hurry up, I’ve just been slimed.

NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Chandler and Monica are asleep in the van. Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the shoulder)

Rachel: How long have we been here?

Joey: A long time. I’ve peed three times since we broke down, so by my calculations, we’ve been here for at least three hours.

Rachel: Would someone tell me how long we’ve been here please before I kill Joey?

Phoebe: We’ve been here for a little over three hours.

Joey: Told you.

Ross: Hey, do you see that car up there?

Phoebe: Yeah, so?

Ross: That car broke down an hour after we did and they already have a tow truck helping them.

They stole our tow truck.

Phoebe: Well let’s go up there and kick some ass!

Ross: Joey, let’s go talk to the tow truck driver.

Joey: Why me? Take Rachel or Phoebe.

Ross: One, Rachel’s exhausted and two, if Phoebe goes with me we’ll never get a tow truck to help us.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: Because I’m ready to kick some ass!

Joey: Fine. Let’s go.

(Ross and Joey make their way up the turnpike)

Phoebe: We’re never gonna get out of here.

Rachel: Don’t say that, I have a child at home.

Phoebe: Ok, we’ll probably never get outta here.

Rachel: Yeah, that’s much better.

(cut to Ross and Joey - they’re talking to the tow truck driver)

Ross: Ah excuse me sir, but I think you’re helping out the wrong car.

Driver: Is that so?

Ross: Yeah, we broke down three hours ago and no one has come to help us. I think you were dispatched for us.

Driver: Really? ‘Cause my manifest says I’m to help out this car.

Joey: Could you at least call another tow truck for us?

Driver: Depends. Has a state trooper stopped to talk to you yet?

Ross: No.

Driver: Then you’re gonna have to wait until one does. I can’t call another truck until a state trooper calls it in, sorry.

Joey: That’s a load of crap!

Ross: What my friend is trying to say is that can’t you break protocol just this one time?

Driver: Sorry, you’ve got to wait for a state trooper.

Joey: That’s absolutely a load of crap! Just help us!

Driver: Look pal, you’re just gonna have to wait for a state trooper. I can’t help you.

(cut to the mini-van - a state trooper has stopped to help)

Trooper: Everything all right here?

Phoebe: Yes officer. My friends went to talk to that tow truck driver to ask him for help.

Trooper: Ok. I’ll have another trooper stop in an hour to see if you’ve been helped. Have a good day ladies.

Chandler (waking up): Did she just call me a lady?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: I’ll never escape this gay stigma.

(cut to a short while later - Ross and Joey have returned)

Rachel: Is the tow truck coming?

Joey: No. That idiot wouldn’t help us out.

Ross: Yeah, he said we had to wait for a state trooper to stop and call a tow truck for us. I guess we’ll just have to wait for a state trooper to stop.

Chandler: Funny thing happened, a state trooper stopped while you guys were a way.

Ross: Well what happened?

Chandler: Well for one she called me a lady.

Joey: Did she ask if she could call us a tow truck?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Ross: Well what did you tell her?

Phoebe: That you guys had already made arrangements for us.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: You said that you’d get that tow truck driver to help us out. Pheebs didn’t know that he wouldn’t help us.

Joey: Then what did the state trooper say?

Phoebe: She said she’d send another trooper out in an hour to check to see if we’d been helped or not.

(Monica awakens in the backseat)

Monica: Are we in Atlantic City yet?

Chandler: Yes dear. That awful smell of car exhaust means we’ve arrived in Atlantic City.

Ross: Look, Joey, Chandler and I will walk up to the next exit and find a gas station. Gas stations always have tow trucks. We’ll tell them what’s happened and ask them to help us out.

Rachel: You’re gonna leave us here?

Ross: Don’t worry, it’s not like anything is gonna happen.

Chandler: You’ve obviously never seen The Hitcher.

Ross: Would you shut up? You’re not helping here!

Monica: Fine, abandon us. We’ll wait for the trooper.

Joey: Ah Ross, we’re in the median. How are we gonna get across five lanes of traffic?

Ross: We’ll just wait for the perfect moment and make a break for it. Are you guys ready?

Joey: Let’s do it.

Chandler (to Monica): If you hear screams, know that I loved you with all my heart.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (It’s now 11 pm. Mr. & Mrs. Geller are in bed - Caitlin starts crying)

Mr. Geller: She’s doing it again.

Mrs. Geller: Well get up and calm her down.

Mr. Geller: Why do I have to do it?

Mrs. Geller: Because I did it the last time.

Mr. Geller: But you’re the one who said it’d be fun if we watched Caitlin this weekend. All she’s done today is eat, sleep and cry.

Mrs. Geller: She’s a baby Jack. It’s not like she can go golfing with you quite yet. Now get up and calm her down.

Mr. Geller: Whatever possessed us to have children in the first place?

Mrs. Geller: Birth control really wasn’t an option then.

Mr. Geller: You know, it’s odd that Rachel and Ross haven’t called to check on their daughter.

Mrs. Geller: They’re probably having fun at the gambling tables. They’ll call in the morning.

NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (At long last another state trooper has stopped)

Trooper: What’s the problem?

Phoebe: It just quit on us about nine hours ago.

Trooper: And no one’s stopped to help you?

Phoebe: That’s another story. Could you call us a tow truck?

Trooper: Sure, not a problem. (The trooper returns to his car)

Rachel: Hey, what’s with all the sirens up the turnpike?

Trooper: Yeah, apparently three morons tried to make it across the turnpike on foot from the center median.

Monica: Oh my God, was anyone hurt?

Trooper: No, they just caused a five car pile-up. The perpetrators are on their way to the Elizabeth jail.

Phoebe: Is there anyway the tow truck could take us there?

Trooper: I suppose. Why?

Rachel: Because those morons are our husbands. They went for help.

Trooper: I see. You gals really married some dingbats.

Monica: Yeah, we’re learning that more and more each day.

IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (It’s now 6 a.m. Saturday morning. The gang has returned)

Phoebe: I take it this trip won’t be one that we’ll remember.

Joey: What are you talking about? I got to spend another four hours in jail. Rocky was even there. We got to catch up on old times.

Chandler: Yes Joey, I really appreciated you asking them to strip search us again.

Rachel: Let’s go home Ross.

Ross: I’m so tired. I’m gonna sleep for hours.

Rachel: No you’re not. You’ve got the morning shift this weekend.

Monica: Well that was quite the trip. It’s also the last trip where we have to drive somewhere that I’ll take with you guys.

Chandler: Bed. I need our bed!

Monica: You didn’t sleep when you were in jail?

Chandler: Let me ask you this, would you sleep in a jail cell full of men who are dying to make you their own personal toy?

Monica: Depends.

Chandler: Depends? Are you crazy?

Monica: Well they could be cute, then I wouldn’t mind so much.

Chandler: Trust me, these guys were greasier than Ross’s hair.

Phoebe: Ready to take the mini-van back Joey?

Joey: Whatever. (Phoebe and Joey get in - Phoebe goes to start the car and it won’t start)

Phoebe: Yeah, we’re pretty much leaving it here.

Joey: We’re not taking it back?

Phoebe: Hey, for $4 a day, they can come and pick it up themselves.

CLOSING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Mr. & Mrs. Geller are at the table eating breakfast as Ross and Rachel enter)

Mr. Geller: What are you guys doing back so soon? Did you lose all your money?

Rachel: We never made it Atlantic City. The car broke down. We spent over nine hours in the middle of the freeway.

Mrs. Geller: Oh my, that’s awful. Is everyone ok?

Ross: Everybody’s fine Mom. How’s Caitlin?

Mrs. Geller: Oh she’s an absolute joy. She’s sleeping.

Mr. Geller: Yeah, it’s the first time she’s slept for an extended period of time since we got here.

Rachel: Yeah, she’s still a handful. But thanks for doing that for us, we really appreciate it.

Mr. Geller: Not a problem Rachel. We’d be happy to do it again.

Mrs. Geller: That’s easy for you to say, you didn’t do a damn thing.

Mr. Geller: I did too!

Rachel (to Ross): It looks like you didn’t fall very far from the tree on this one.