THE ONE WITH THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Ross are present)
Monica: Are you getting more sleep these days Ross?
Ross: If you call taking a nap in my office getting enough sleep then yeah.
Chandler: I know that works for me. Get a little loving during the middle of the night then taking a nap at work in my office, yeah, you canít beat it.
Monica: You know one these days Billís going to catch you napping and fire your ass.
Chandler: Highly doubtful.
Ross: Why? What makes you so special?
Chandler: Bill thinks I have narcolepsy.
Chandler: Yeah, itís a sleeping disorder where you fall asleep at any time.
Monica: Youíre whole life is a lie isnít it?
Chandler: Pretty much.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: You know what I was thinking?
Rachel: Wait, you actually have a thought?
Joey: It occurs every four years.
Chandler: Just like leap day.
Phoebe: Yeah donít get me started on that.
Ross: Whatís wrong with leap day?
Phoebe: Itís a government conspiracy.
Joey: Yeah it is.
Monica: Leap day is part of a government conspiracy? I thought it was just because it takes the earth a year and some change to make a complete orbit around the sun and to even things out they add a day every four years.
Phoebe: Oh my God, theyíve gotten to you!
Rachel: Itís becoming more apparent every day that Phoebe didnít go to high school.
Chandler: Whatís Joeyís excuse?
Rachel: Heís Joey, we know heĎs dumb.
Joey: My stupidity aside, as I was gonna say, I had a thought. We havenít done anything as a group since we all went to California. So I was thinking that we should all do something together.
Monica: Thatís not a bad idea.
Chandler: Huh? I thought we spend all our time together anyway.
Joey: But we never go anywhere. Letís go somewhere where we can be free.
Phoebe: Have you started smoking pot again?
Joey: Only on odd numbered days.
Ross: What do you have in mind Joey?
Joey: We could rent a house on the beach or something.
Monica: That sounds good. Of course, there will be no pissing contest this time.
Chandler: Yes, weíre very aware that you married the man who pissed on you.
Monica: Funny how fate brought us together.
Rachel: So when are we going?
Joey: This weekend.
Phoebe: I know, I know! I know where we could go!
Ross: Calm down Pheebs.
Phoebe: We can go to Atlantic City!
Monica: No way! Chandlerís not allowed near Atlantic City. Heíll lose all our money again!
Chandler: Another moment in our life together that Iíll never be able to live down.
Phoebe: Yeah, Iíll make sure he wins.
Ross: How are you gonna do that?
Phoebe: I know how to count cards.
Joey: Me too. Thereís 50 cards in a deck.
Rachel: Thereís 52 cards in a deck Joey.
Chandler: Remind to never let Joey near the table that Iím at.
Phoebe: Look, you guys promised me a trip to Atlantic City and now youíre gonna follow through on that promise.
Monica: When did we ever promise a trip to Atlantic City?
Phoebe: When you got back from London. We were all set to go and then my water broke and we couldnít go. Now weíre going.
Chandler: That was four years ago.
Phoebe: Is there a statute of limitations or something?
Joey: No. Thereís only a Statute of Liberty. Geez, even I know that.
Rachel: I canít take Caitlin to Atlantic City. I guess Iíll have to stay at home.
Ross: Carol can watch Caitlin. She owes us big time.
Rachel: And convert her to lesbianism? I donít think so.
Monica: Then have my Mom and Dad watch her. Theyíve always wanted to watch one of their grandchildren.
Rachel: Thatís a good idea. Ok, Atlantic City, here we come.
Joey (to Chandler): Is there really a statute of limitations?
Chandler: Yes Joey, itís in Kansas.
Joey: We should totally go there.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready to go. Rachel is fretting about Caitlin)
Rachel: I donít think I should go.
Ross: Rach, Caitlinís gonna be fine. My parents know what theyíre doing. They raised two children after all.
Rachel: Thatís what Iím worried about, they raised you and look how you turned out.
Ross: Insult me all you want, weíre still going.
Rachel: Have we forgotten anything?
Ross: Letís see, you pumped 20 bottles of breast milk in the past day, packed enough clothes for Caitlin to last two weeks and, and oh yes, you put a picture of yourself in her bag. I think youíve gotten everything.
(thereís a knock at the door)
Rachel: Who do you think that is?
Ross: Itís the bogeyman, heís come for Caitlin.
Rachel: Thatís not even funny.
Ross: Would you relax? Itís probably my parents.
Rachel: Right. Theyíre taking Caitlin.
(Ross opens the door, itís Mr. & Mrs. Geller)
Mr. Geller: Hi son. Weíre here to babysit our granddaughter.
Ross: Hey Dad. Hey Mom.
Mrs. Geller: Hello Rachel dear.
Rachel: Hello Mrs. Geller.
Mrs. Geller: Itís Mom. Please call me Mom.
Rachel: Sorry. Iím still getting used to being married.
Ross: Weíve been married for eleven months!
Rachel: Though it seems like years.
Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Hi Mr. Geller.
Mr. Geller: Please call me Dad.
Rachel: Right, I knew that. Ok, Caitlinís been fed and shouldnít have to eat for another four hours. Hereís her clothes and her crib is over there.
Mrs. Geller (to Ross): You didnít tell her?
Ross: Tell her what?
Mrs. Geller: That weĎre staying here for the weekend. We didnít want to take Caitlin out of her element, so weíre staying here.
Ross: Thatís great. Good idea.
Rachel: Thanks so much guys, this means a lot to me.
Mr. Geller: Come on, youíre family, this is what being a family is all about, helping one another.
Mrs. Geller: Yes, and in spite of how Monica turned out, weíre excellent parents.
IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: You know a few years ago we sat at this very spot and you told me that Iíd never be boyfriend material.
Monica: Youíre still not boyfriend material. If Brad ever dumps Jennifer, Iím going after him and dumping your sorry ass.
Chandler: I love you too sweetie.
Monica: Who wouldíve thought that that weekend at the beach would be the first time Iíd see your peepee?
Chandler: Yes, that was a magical moment in our budding relationship. After that, you just had to have me.
Monica: After that, I wanted to take a 30 minute shower and forget what you did to me.
(Joey and Phoebe drive up in a mini-van)
Chandler: What the heck is that?
Joey: Not bad eh? It seats six and everyone gets their own cup holder.
Phoebe: The backseatís roomy too. Joey and I tested it out for you guys.
Chandler: You didnít.
Joey: Yeah baby, we christened the van.
(Ross and Rachel approach)
Ross: Cool wheels. (to Rachel) Weíre getting one of those after our next child.
Rachel: I donít see how thatís possible since Iím letting you touch me anymore.
Chandler: Still havenít had sex since the baby was born?
Ross: Not really. I have a lot of sex, just not with Rachel.
Joey: Youíre cheating on Rachel?
Ross: Pleasing myself is not cheating Joey.
Monica: Ok, enough of the sex talk, letís hit the road.
Rachel: Whoís driving?
Phoebe: I am!
Ross: Yeah, Rach and I will take a cab and meet you there.
Rachel: Come on Ross, if you drove we wouldnít get there until Sunday.
Ross: I am not a bad driver.
Chandler: No, the problem is that you drive like a grandmother.
Monica: Get in the car!
Joey: Looks like Mom has made the final decision. Letís go. Atlantic City baby!
NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (The mini-van has broken down. The gang is trying to figure out what to do)
Monica: Well this is just great. Weíre sitting on the New Jersey Turnpike, we have no food and no place to go to the bathroom.
Joey: What are you talking about? I just went.
Rachel: Whereíd you go?
Joey: That bush right over there.
Rachel: In front of traffic? Are you crazy?
Joey: Hey, if a man has to go, a man has to go. And besides, I have impressive equipment.
Chandler: Yeah, you wonít catch me doing that.
Joey: Well youíre not a man now are you?
Ross: Does anyone have their cell phone?
All (in unison): No.
Ross: Not one of you brought your cell phone?
Rachel: Did you bring yours?
Rachel: Then shut up.
Phoebe: Would everyone relax, a tow truck will come and help us out in a few minutes.
Monica: They better, I really have to go to the bathroom.
Chandler: Are you pregnant?
Monica: Ah, no. Donít you think youíd know if I was pregnant?
Chandler: Sorry. You just seem to be going to the bathroom a lot lately.
Monica: If you must know, itís that time of the month.
Chandler: Yeah, I didnít wanna know that.
Phoebe: Joey, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: I trying to flag down help.
Phoebe: Standing in the middle of the fast lane is not the way to flag down help.
Joey: Youíve got a better idea?
Phoebe: Youíre supposed to flash your breasts.
Joey: Ok, that would only work for you.
Rachel (to Ross): I hope Caitlinís ok.
Ross: Iím sure sheís fine Rach. Trust me, my parents know what theyíre doing.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Mr. & Mrs. Geller are trying to babysit Caitlin)
Mr. Geller: Judy, could you please get Caitlin to stop crying? Iím trying to watch the Yanni concert on PBS.
Mrs. Geller: Where did Rachel put the milk?
Mr. Geller: Itís in the refrigerator.
Mrs. Geller: Jack, could you help me please?
Mr. Geller: What do you need me to do? You know I donít know anything about babies.
Mrs. Geller: Just hold her for a minute while I get the milk ready.
Mr. Geller: Hi Caitlin, Iím grandpa. Yes, I am. Iím your grandpa. (Caitlin spits up and gets it all over Mr. Gellerís face) Ah Judy, hurry up, Iíve just been slimed.
NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (Chandler and Monica are asleep in the van. Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the shoulder)
Rachel: How long have we been here?
Joey: A long time. Iíve peed three times since we broke down, so by my calculations, weíve been here for at least three hours.
Rachel: Would someone tell me how long weíve been here please before I kill Joey?
Phoebe: Weíve been here for a little over three hours.
Joey: Told you.
Ross: Hey, do you see that car up there?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Ross: That car broke down an hour after we did and they already have a tow truck helping them.
They stole our tow truck.
Phoebe: Well letís go up there and kick some ass!
Ross: Joey, letís go talk to the tow truck driver.
Joey: Why me? Take Rachel or Phoebe.
Ross: One, Rachelís exhausted and two, if Phoebe goes with me weíll never get a tow truck to help us.
Joey: Why not?
Phoebe: Because Iím ready to kick some ass!
Joey: Fine. Letís go.
(Ross and Joey make their way up the turnpike)
Phoebe: Weíre never gonna get out of here.
Rachel: Donít say that, I have a child at home.
Phoebe: Ok, weíll probably never get outta here.
Rachel: Yeah, thatís much better.
(cut to Ross and Joey - theyíre talking to the tow truck driver)
Ross: Ah excuse me sir, but I think youíre helping out the wrong car.
Driver: Is that so?
Ross: Yeah, we broke down three hours ago and no one has come to help us. I think you were dispatched for us.
Driver: Really? ĎCause my manifest says Iím to help out this car.
Joey: Could you at least call another tow truck for us?
Driver: Depends. Has a state trooper stopped to talk to you yet?
Driver: Then youíre gonna have to wait until one does. I canít call another truck until a state trooper calls it in, sorry.
Joey: Thatís a load of crap!
Ross: What my friend is trying to say is that canít you break protocol just this one time?
Driver: Sorry, youíve got to wait for a state trooper.
Joey: Thatís absolutely a load of crap! Just help us!
Driver: Look pal, youíre just gonna have to wait for a state trooper. I canít help you.
(cut to the mini-van - a state trooper has stopped to help)
Trooper: Everything all right here?
Phoebe: Yes officer. My friends went to talk to that tow truck driver to ask him for help.
Trooper: Ok. Iíll have another trooper stop in an hour to see if youíve been helped. Have a good day ladies.
Chandler (waking up): Did she just call me a lady?
Chandler: Iíll never escape this gay stigma.
(cut to a short while later - Ross and Joey have returned)
Rachel: Is the tow truck coming?
Joey: No. That idiot wouldnít help us out.
Ross: Yeah, he said we had to wait for a state trooper to stop and call a tow truck for us. I guess weíll just have to wait for a state trooper to stop.
Chandler: Funny thing happened, a state trooper stopped while you guys were a way.
Ross: Well what happened?
Chandler: Well for one she called me a lady.
Joey: Did she ask if she could call us a tow truck?
Ross: Well what did you tell her?
Phoebe: That you guys had already made arrangements for us.
Rachel: You said that youíd get that tow truck driver to help us out. Pheebs didnít know that he wouldnít help us.
Joey: Then what did the state trooper say?
Phoebe: She said sheíd send another trooper out in an hour to check to see if weíd been helped or not.
(Monica awakens in the backseat)
Monica: Are we in Atlantic City yet?
Chandler: Yes dear. That awful smell of car exhaust means weíve arrived in Atlantic City.
Ross: Look, Joey, Chandler and I will walk up to the next exit and find a gas station. Gas stations always have tow trucks. Weíll tell them whatís happened and ask them to help us out.
Rachel: Youíre gonna leave us here?
Ross: Donít worry, itís not like anything is gonna happen.
Chandler: Youíve obviously never seen The Hitcher.
Ross: Would you shut up? Youíre not helping here!
Monica: Fine, abandon us. Weíll wait for the trooper.
Joey: Ah Ross, weíre in the median. How are we gonna get across five lanes of traffic?
Ross: Weíll just wait for the perfect moment and make a break for it. Are you guys ready?
Joey: Letís do it.
Chandler (to Monica): If you hear screams, know that I loved you with all my heart.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Itís now 11 pm. Mr. & Mrs. Geller are in bed - Caitlin starts crying)
Mr. Geller: Sheís doing it again.
Mrs. Geller: Well get up and calm her down.
Mr. Geller: Why do I have to do it?
Mrs. Geller: Because I did it the last time.
Mr. Geller: But youíre the one who said itíd be fun if we watched Caitlin this weekend. All sheís done today is eat, sleep and cry.
Mrs. Geller: Sheís a baby Jack. Itís not like she can go golfing with you quite yet. Now get up and calm her down.
Mr. Geller: Whatever possessed us to have children in the first place?
Mrs. Geller: Birth control really wasnít an option then.
Mr. Geller: You know, itís odd that Rachel and Ross havenít called to check on their daughter.
Mrs. Geller: Theyíre probably having fun at the gambling tables. Theyíll call in the morning.
NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE (At long last another state trooper has stopped)
Trooper: Whatís the problem?
Phoebe: It just quit on us about nine hours ago.
Trooper: And no oneís stopped to help you?
Phoebe: Thatís another story. Could you call us a tow truck?
Trooper: Sure, not a problem. (The trooper returns to his car)
Rachel: Hey, whatís with all the sirens up the turnpike?
Trooper: Yeah, apparently three morons tried to make it across the turnpike on foot from the center median.
Monica: Oh my God, was anyone hurt?
Trooper: No, they just caused a five car pile-up. The perpetrators are on their way to the Elizabeth jail.
Phoebe: Is there anyway the tow truck could take us there?
Trooper: I suppose. Why?
Rachel: Because those morons are our husbands. They went for help.
Trooper: I see. You gals really married some dingbats.
Monica: Yeah, weíre learning that more and more each day.
IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Itís now 6 a.m. Saturday morning. The gang has returned)
Phoebe: I take it this trip wonít be one that weíll remember.
Joey: What are you talking about? I got to spend another four hours in jail. Rocky was even there. We got to catch up on old times.
Chandler: Yes Joey, I really appreciated you asking them to strip search us again.
Rachel: Letís go home Ross.
Ross: Iím so tired. Iím gonna sleep for hours.
Rachel: No youíre not. Youíve got the morning shift this weekend.
Monica: Well that was quite the trip. Itís also the last trip where we have to drive somewhere that Iíll take with you guys.
Chandler: Bed. I need our bed!
Monica: You didnít sleep when you were in jail?
Chandler: Let me ask you this, would you sleep in a jail cell full of men who are dying to make you their own personal toy?
Chandler: Depends? Are you crazy?
Monica: Well they could be cute, then I wouldnít mind so much.
Chandler: Trust me, these guys were greasier than Rossís hair.
Phoebe: Ready to take the mini-van back Joey?
Joey: Whatever. (Phoebe and Joey get in - Phoebe goes to start the car and it wonít start)
Phoebe: Yeah, weíre pretty much leaving it here.
Joey: Weíre not taking it back?
Phoebe: Hey, for $4 a day, they can come and pick it up themselves.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Mr. & Mrs. Geller are at the table eating breakfast as Ross and Rachel enter)
Mr. Geller: What are you guys doing back so soon? Did you lose all your money?
Rachel: We never made it Atlantic City. The car broke down. We spent over nine hours in the middle of the freeway.
Mrs. Geller: Oh my, thatís awful. Is everyone ok?
Ross: Everybodyís fine Mom. Howís Caitlin?
Mrs. Geller: Oh sheís an absolute joy. Sheís sleeping.
Mr. Geller: Yeah, itís the first time sheís slept for an extended period of time since we got here.
Rachel: Yeah, sheís still a handful. But thanks for doing that for us, we really appreciate it.
Mr. Geller: Not a problem Rachel. Weíd be happy to do it again.
Mrs. Geller: Thatís easy for you to say, you didnít do a damn thing.
Mr. Geller: I did too!
Rachel (to Ross): It looks like you didnít fall very far from the tree on this one.