THE ONE WITH THE UNTHINKABLE
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Rachel and Ross are present)
Rachel: So are ya still getting married Joe?
Joey: Why? Did Phoebe back out?
Rachel: No. I was just wondering if youíre still planning on going through with this?
Joey: Yup. SheĎs gonna serve her punishment. Weíve arranged a place to get married at and have decided to go to Aruba for our honeymoon.
Ross: Thatís where I wanted to go on my honeymoon.
Joey: Which marriage?
Ross: My current one.
Rachel: Donít worry honey, when you get married again you can go to Aruba.
Ross: Iím not getting married again. Iím with you forever.
Rachel: Thatís what you think.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is watching Jurassic Park III on TV. The doorbell rings)
Ross: Damn, this always happens right before you can see down Tea Leoniís shirt. Coming.
(Ross opens the door. Itís Susan)
Susan: Surprised to see me?
Ross: Whatís wrong? Are Ben and Carol ok?
Susan: Benís fine. Carol and I however, are getting a divorce.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are playing video games)
Joey: Thanks for letting me bring the X-box over here.
Chandler: Where else would you have taken it? Itís not like Ross knows how to play video games.
Joey: Yeah but Rachel does. She absolutely kicked my butt in Football a couple of days ago.
Chandler: Phoebe doesnít like video games?
Joey: No, she thinks itís demeaning towards men.
Chandler: How are video games demeaning towards men?
Joey: I was hoping you could tell me.
Phoebe: Joey, Iím going to see my birth Mom.
Joey: Ok. Iíll make dinner for us when you get back.
Phoebe: Thatís so sweet.
Chandler: Joey, Joey? What in the hell happened to Joey?
Joey: Dude, itís called being in a mature relationship.
Chandler: Oh, you see I have figured that part out yet.
Phoebe: One thing Joe, youíre coming with me.
Joey: No Iím not!
Phoebe: Yes you are. Youíre gonna meet your future birth mother-in-law.
Joey: Thereís no such thing as a birth mother-in-law!
Chandler: Apparently in Phoebeís world there is.
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross is consoling Susan, kind of)
Ross: How can you be getting a divorce? Lesbian marriages arenít recognized by the State of New York.
Susan: Then Iím leaving Carol.
Ross: What happened?
Susan: I think she slept with another woman.
Ross: She slept with another woman?
Susan: I think so.
Ross: You mean you donít know for sure?
Susan: No, I donít know for sure. But all the signs are there. Staying late at the gym, telling me how great her friend Layla is, coming home with someone elseís perfume permeating the room. I just know Iíve been replaced.
Ross: Well your right, all the signs are there. Thatís exactly how Carol was when you burst onto the scene. Paybackís a bitch ainĎt it?
Ross: I said life can be a bitch.
Susan: What am I gonna do? We canít raise Ben in a house where the two mommies arenít sleeping together anymore.
Ross: Do me a favorÖ..
Ross: Donít refer to you and Carol as two mommies who sleep together, it still really freaks me out.
Susan: Can you and Rachel take Ben for a few days?
Ross: Sure. Are you gonna try and patch things up with Carol?
Susan: No, I just donít want Ben to see his mommy packing up her stuff. Iím leaving.
Ross: Donít you think thatís a little rash?
Ross: Ok. Donít you think you should at least confront her first?
Susan: I canít believe that Iím gonna say this, but youíre probably right. Iíll talk to her first. Thanks Ross, youíre a good friend.
Ross: Well you know what they sayÖ.
Ross: I forget. So when are you bringing Ben over?
Susan: This afternoon if thatís ok.
Ross: Thatís fine. Iíll see you later.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Chandler is looking out the bay window as Rachel and Monica enter)
Monica: What on earth are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, hey guys. I just watched the weirdest thing.
Chandler: Ross just talked to Susan for like 30 minutes, and then gave her hug when she left.
Rachel: Susan as in Carolís Susan?
Chandler: I know, itís like the unthinkable happening, Ross liking Susan.
PHOEBE SRíS HOUSE (Joey, Phoebe and Phoebe Sr. are present)
Joey: This is really good. What is this?
Phoebe Sr.: Thatís the catís food.
Joey: They should market this to people. This stuff rocks.
Phoebe Sr.: I see youíre still dating bright people Phoebe.
Phoebe: Joeyís as bright as they come.
Phoebe Sr.: So when are you two getting married?
Phoebe: In eight weeks.
Phoebe Sr.: You guys arenít messing around.
Phoebe: No, thatís why weíre getting married.
Phoebe Sr.: Youíre pregnant?
Joey: Youíre pregnant?!
Phoebe: No! We just have fooled around so much it seemed that marriage was the next logical step.
Joey: Thank God, for a minute there I thought I was gonna have to postpone marrying you.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present)
Rachel: I should call Ross.
Monica: Hell, you should call the National Enquirer. Ross and Susan acting friendly, somethingís definitely up.
Chandler (emerging from the bathroom): Mother of God!
Monica: Whatís your problem?
Chandler: I caught my thing in my zipper.
Monica: Is it still caught?
Rachel: Doesnít it hurt?
Chandler: Worse than childbirth!
Rachel: I seriously doubt that.
Monica: Well just yank the zipper back down. Here, let me help you.
Chandler: Get away from me!
Monica: Well you canít walk around with your foreskin caught in your zipper. Let me help you.
Chandler: You donít understand, I like it like this! See, the pain is not too bad!
Monica: Youíre turning white.
Rachel: Let me see. Oh no, I think Iím gonna be sick.
Monica: Fine, weíre going to the emergency room.
Chandler: We donít have a car and Phoebe took her cab to see her birth Mom.
Monica: Then weíll take the subway.
Chandler: Iím not riding the subway with my thing partially hanging out!
Monica: True, most flashers show you everything. Rach, Iím taking Mr. Foreskin to the ER.
Rachel (from the bathroom): Ok.
Ross: Hey. Chandler, why are you holding your crotch?
Monica: He trapped his foreskin in the zipper and he wonít let me touch him.
Ross: Way to go man. Howís the pain?
Chandler: Like someone drilling your teeth without Novocain.
Monica: Letís go honey. Here, use this hat to cover yourself. See, I told you there was no sex for you today.
(Rachel emerges from the bathroom)
Rachel: Is he gone?
Ross: Yeah. Are you hungry? Iíve got something I need to talk to you about.
Rachel: Youíre leaving me for Susan?
Ross: No. Susanís leaving Carol.
PHOEBE SRíS HOUSE (Phoebe Sr., Phoebe and Joey are present)
Phoebe: Well I guess we should tell you why we came to see you.
Joey: This ought to be good, ícause I donít know either.
Phoebe Sr.: Iíd be happy to walk you down the aisle.
Phoebe: Wow! Howíd youíd know that I was gonna ask you to do that? Are you psychic too?
Phoebe Sr.: No, either Ursula or I was gonna walk you down the aisle since your Dad is a deadbeat. And since Ursula and you donít speak, I kinda assumed that you would ask me to give you away.
Joey: Thatís amazing. I never wouldíve thought of that.
Phoebe: Honey, when you have a thought, the earth stops rotating.
Joey: But the earth always rotates.
MELOíS PIZZA (Ross and Rachel are having lunch)
Rachel: Let me get this straight, Susan thinks Carol is cheating on her with another woman?
Rachel: What do you think?
Ross: Itís plausible. After all, she did it to me.
Rachel: What time is Susan dropping off Ben?
Ross: This afternoon after school lets out.
Rachel: Whereís he gonna sleep?
Ross: On the windowsill.
Rachel: Donít you think heíll get cold?
Ross: Iíve set up a bed in the Caitlinís room.
Rachel: Whoís Caitlin?
Ross: I thought we were naming the baby Caitlin.
Rachel: We were. Now weíre naming the baby Alexa.
Ross: Ok, could you at least keep me informed of the name changes or Iím gonna start telling everyone the babyís name is Kierstin again.
MT SINAI HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM (Chandler and Monica are waiting to see the doctor)
Monica: How are you hanging in their honey?
Chandler: Itís not hanging anywhere, itís caught in my zipper for Christís Sake.
Monica: I meant how is the pain?
Chandler: Itís worse then when you accidentally bit down on it.
Monica: That bad?
Chandler: Iím not even gonna answer that.
Female Doctor: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Right here.
Doctor: Follow me.
Chandler: No offense, but do you think I could get a male doctor?
Doctor: No. Now follow me.
Chandler: Could my wife come?
Chandler: So she could hold my hand.
Monica: HeĎs very protective of his penis.
Doctor: Fine. She can come too.
JOEY & PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Thanks for going with me to my birth Momís.
Joey: Not a problem. Besides, she gave me some cat food to eat.
Phoebe: Youíre a strange man Joey.
Joey: Whadda ya want to do?
Phoebe: I think Iím gonna take a nap.
Joey: Can I join you?
Phoebe: Sure, but weíre not having sex.
Joey: Why not?
Phoebe: No more sex until weíre married.
Joey: But weíre not getting married for eight weeks! What am I supposed to do until then? Wait, donít answer that. I already know.
Phoebe: No way mister. That doesnít mean you can go sleep with anyone else.
Joey: Youíre killing me! Thatís totally not fair! I canít go eight weeks without sex! Iím not Chandler for Christís sake!
ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Susan is dropping off Ben)
Susan: Are you gonna be ok here Ben?
Ben: Yeah. I like staying here. Mommy Rachel lets me eat Bon-Bonís with her on the couch.
Rachel: Ben, that was a secret between you and I.
Ross: Youíre eating Bon-Bonís again?
Rachel: Well youíre still playing with your dinosaurs so I donít wanna hear it.
Susan: Well I better go. Carolís gonna be home from work soon. Bye Ben.
Ben: Bye Mom.
Rachel: Good luck Susan.
Ross: Yeah, be strong.
Susan: Thanks guys.
Ben: Whatís for dinner?
Rachel: I guess now is a good time as any to learn how to cook.
Ross: Do you wanna go out to eat Ben?
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Chandler and Monica enter)
Joey: Hey guys!
Monica: Didnít pay the cable bill again Joe?
Joey: No, Phoebeís taking a nap. Dude, why do you have an ice bag on your crotch?
Monica: Chandler caught his thing in his zipper.
Joey: Thatís gotta hurt.
Chandler: No, it wasnít painful at all.
Monica: Yeah, thatís why he cried like a baby when the doctor pulled his zipper down.
(Ross, Rachel and Ben enter)
Rachel: Hey guys.
Monica: Come and see your Auntie Monica Ben!
Ben (to Ross): Do I have to?
Ross: Go say hi.
Ben: But she smells like Grandma.
Ross: Go say hi and then you can play with Uncle Joey.
Ben: Whereís Uncle Chandler?
Chandler: Iím in my bedroom kiddo. Iíd come out and play but I canít.
Ben: Whatís the matter with Uncle Chandler?
Rachel: He caught his peepee in his zipper today and heís in pain.
Ben: Geez, even IĎm smart enough not to do that.
Chandler (from the bedroom): Thanks for the vote of confidence kid.
Ross: Whereís Phoebe?
Joey: Sheís napping.
Phoebe: No IĎm not, Iím right here. WhereĎs little Ben?
Ben: Auntie Phoebe!
Monica: Sure, I apparently smell like my mother and Ben adores weird Auntie Phoebe.
Rachel: Joey, why donít you take Ben out on the balcony.
Rachel: Because I asked you to.
Joey: I can live with that. Letís go Ben.
Ross: Well Rachel and I have some news.
Chandler (from the bedroom): Youíre splitting up.
Monica: Shut up and ice your wiener.
Ross: It appears that Carol and Susan are getting a divorce.
Phoebe: Howís that possible, lesbian marriages arenít recognized by the State of New York.
Rachel: Then theyíre going their separate ways.
(Chandler emerges from the bedroom with an ice pack on his crotch)
Chandler: So thatís why you were talking to Susan today.
Ross: Were you spying on me again?
Chandler: Sorry, I was bored.
Monica: Theyíre really splitting up?
Ross: It appears that way. Susan thinks Carol is sleeping with someone else. Some girl named Layla.
(Thereís a knock on the door)
Monica: Iíll get it.
Chandler: Does Ben know?
Rachel: No, we havenít told him yet. Weíre not gonna say anything until we know something for sure.
Phoebe: Wow. This is really unbelievable. Carol seeing another woman under Susanís nose.
(Monica opens the door and itís Carol)
Monica: Carol! What a surprise!
Carol: Hi guys. So I guess youíve heard the news.
Carol: Susan and I are splitting up. Ah, Ross, can I speak to you in private for a minute?
Ross: Sure. But Iím just gonna tell them when you leave anyway so maybe you should just tell us all now.
Carol: Itís ok Rachel. Ross is right. I just thought this might be easier for Ross to hear in private.
Ross: What is it Carol?
Carol: Iím getting married again.
Ross: Another lesbian wedding?
(Joey and Ben return from the balcony)
Carol: No, a real wedding. Iím marrying a baseball player, his name is Ryan Vogelsong. We met a year ago and he asked me to marry him last night.
Joey: Wow! That makes you the worst lesbian ever!
Carol: Heís right you know. I am the worst lesbian ever.
Carol: Are you alright Ross?
Ross: Me? Sure, I couldnít be better. My lesbian ex-wife is now getting married to some guy. Iím totally cool with it. Ok, I need some air.
Carol: Well I better go. I told Ryan Iíd meet him at the Plaza.
All: See ya. Bye. Etc.
Carol: Yeah slugger?
Ben: Say hi to Ryan for me.
Carol: Will do sweetie. Bye.
Chandler: Hey buddy, how do you know about Ryan?
Ben: Mommy told me that he was gonna be my new Daddy someday.
Chandler: I think itís good that Ross left.
Rachel: Iíd better go find Ross before he does something stupid.
Monica: Do you want me to go with you?
Rachel: Nah. If you could watch Ben Ďtil I get back thatíd be great.
Monica: I think Joey, Phoebe and Chandler can handle that.
Phoebe: I always knew that she was like Duncan.
Joey: Howís that Pheebs?
Phoebe: Into men and women and unsure who she wanted on her team.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross is sitting on the couch with his head in his lap. Rachel enters)
Ross: Oh, hey Rach.
Rachel: Are you ok?
Ross: Why wouldnít I be?
Rachel: Come on Ross, itís me.
Ross: How would you feel if Barry said he was marrying some guy after all these years?
Rachel: Iíd be ecstatic. Ok, Iíd feel a little weird.
Ross: I always felt responsible for turning Carol into a lesbian.
Rachel: Thatís ridiculous.
Ross: Is it? I was head over heels in love with that woman for seven years and then she tells me sheís fallen in love with a woman. Now suddenly, after all these years of thinking sheís a lesbian, she goes and falls in love with a man again.
Rachel: Itís not the first time thatís happened in history.
Ross: Who has done that?
Rachel: Anne Heche.
Ross: Sheís not with Ellen DeGenneres anymore?
Rachel: No, she married some photographer.
Ross: Why do gay people keep switching teams?
Rachel: Most gay people donít, but bisexuals do.
Ross: I just feel, feelÖ..
Ross: That I let Carol down somehow and thatís why she left me and became a lesbian.
Rachel: Put it this way, if she hadnít, you and I wouldnít be together and we wouldnít be having a baby together.
Ross: Yeah, whatever.
Rachel: Sweetie, are you saying you donít love me anymore?
Ross: No. Just donít go and become bisexual on me.
Rachel: You know, Iíve already been with another woman once.
Rachel: Your sister.
Ross: Yeah, we donít talk about that, remember? As far as I know, youíve never been with another woman.
Rachel: Well we need to go pick-up your son. He wants to hang out with his Daddy.
Ross: Did he say that?
Rachel: Not exactly, but I left him with Chandler, Joey and Phoebe.
Ross: Weíd better go. I donít know what heíll become if we leave him there any longer. Heíll trap his peepee in his zipper, learn Italian swear words or become a Tarot Card reader.
CHANDLER & MONICAíS APARTMENT (Everyone is present. Ben is asleep in the guest bedroom)
Monica: Howís your thing honey?
Chandler: Itís not throbbing anymore. So I guess itís better.
Joey (going into the bathroom): How could you be so stupid?
Phoebe: Thatís funny, people ask me that about you all the time.
Monica: So how are you doing big brother?
Ross: Iím fine. Sure my ex-lesbian wife left her lesbian partner to get married to some baseball player, but other than that, Iím peachy.
Rachel: Heís working on it.
(from the bathroom)
Joey: Holy @#$%!
Chandler: Are you alright in there man?
Joey: Phoebe, go get the car.
Joey: The Little Generalís been ambushed and heís trapped in my zipper!