Prologue: Late Morning. The gang is sitting on the couch in Central Perk, with newlywed Ross and Rachel cuddling in one corner, and Chandler and Monica cuddled in the other corner. It is a week or two after R&R decided to stay married. A waitress approaches a microphone.
Waitress: Ladies and gentlemen, returning from a long break, we are pleased to welcome back Phoebe Buffay...
The coffeehouse customers clap and cheer as Phoebe steps up to the microphone with her guitar in-hand.
Phoebe: Hi. Thank you. (puts guitar strap over her shoulder) Um, I recently went on a trip to Las Vegas with five of my friends, and two of my friends are engaged since returning from that trip....(gestures to Monica and Chandler as people clap)... and two of my friends are married since returning from that trip...(gestures to R & R as people clap) I just wanted to write a song about how I feel since all that has happened...so, here it is.
(strums a couple of chords)
Lastnight, I was walking
a bit after dark,
When I saw a cute couple
on a bench in the park.
I thought to myself,
why they look so sweet.
I think I'll go and
VOMIT on their feet!
(violently strums on her guitar)
ALL THESE STUPID CUTE COUPLES!
THEY MAKE ME SO FREAKIN' SICK!
Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel's smiles have faded. They now are semi-frightened. Phoebe continues.
STUPID CUTE COUPLES!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET A ROOM?!?!
(pauses, takes a deep breath, and smiles, strumming happily on her guitar)
La la la la la la la la la laaaaa!
La la la la la la la la la laaaaa!
(strums two more loud chords, then stops)
The audience claps awkwardly, as C & M & R & R just stare in silence. She smiles brightly.
Phoebe: Thank you!
OPENING CREDITS/COMMERCIALS. Central Perk.We return to find Joey and the others sitting on and around the couch as Phoebe puts her guitar back in her case.
Rachel: (nervously) Umm...nice song, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.
Chandler sits up quickly and removes his arm from Monica's shoulders.
Chandler: Yeah, it-it was great. Umm...why did you write it, again?
Phoebe:Just to express my feelings on this, whole "star-crossed lovers", kissy-face in public, newlywed happy CRAP.
Ross: Pheebs, we thought you were happy for us.
Rachel: Yeah, honey. Why didn't you tell us how you really felt?
Phoebe: Oh, no! I'm way happy for you guys, it's just....I hate all this other "soul mate", "meant-to-be", you know....Romeo and Juliet crap.
Monica: Sweetie, you used to love Romeo and Juliet.
Phoebe: I know. I think it all started last night when I was reading my copy of Romeo and Juliet.
Joey: What happened?
Phoebe: My dad called and cancelled our plans for tonight, just because he's taking his new girlfriend out instead.
Everyone: Aww, sweetie. I'm so sorry. That sucks. (etc.)
Phoebe: I guess I just got so mad at him that I decided I was going to get even with Romeo and his little....Shakespearean wench.
Joey: No, I mean what happened with the story? Do they get together or what?
Everyone looks at one another as Chandler leans towards Joey.
Chandler: Actually, Joe, Romeo and Juliet were a famous comedy team from the thirties, you know? Kind of like the Three Stooges, only there were two of them. Romeo....and Juliet.
Joey: Oh. (laughs) Here you had me thinkin' that it was some Shakespearean tragedy from, like the 16th century or something.
He laughs again as the others steal glances at each other and try their hardest not to laugh. Chandler pats him on the back in mock-sympathy.
Chandler: Looks like you have to start watching more TV, my friend.
Joey nods knowingly as the camera fades to Monica/Rachel's apartment, now mid-afternoon. Rachel is glancing around the apartment, deep in thought. Ross enters.
Rachel: (goes to him) Hey, honey.
They share a quick kiss.
Ross: What's up?
Rachel: I was just thinking...
Rachel: We got married so quickly in Las Vegas, we didn't really get a chance to do the things newlywed couples are supposed to do.
Rachel: Well, for starters, having a wedding reception...
Ross: Well, see, the hard thing about doing that is, our parents don't even know we're married yet.
Ross: So, they might be a little disappointed if they realize we just had a quickie marriage in Vegas.
Rachel: So what are you saying? You don't want to have a reception at all?
He hugs her and she rests her head on his shoulder.
Ross: No, I'm saying, we should do it all over.
She pulls away quickly and looks into his eyes. He smiles.
Ross: I say we have a big ceremony, followed by a big reception, and then we fly off to our big honeymoon!
She grins ear to ear.
Rachel: Ross, you would actually do that? For me?
Ross: I am dying to do that!
Rachel: Oh, honey....
They kiss as Monica and Chandler come through the door.
Chandler: (jokingly) Ya stinkin' newlyweds! Why dontcha get a room?
They pull apart smiling.
Rachel: We will once we're on our honeymoon!
Ross: Rachel and I have decided to have a real ceremony.
Monica and Chandler are still not smiling.
Rachel: We don't know yet. Hopefully as soon as possible.
Monica: Huh....That's...great. Just great.
Chandler puts his hand on her shoulder.
Rachel: Honey, what's wrong?
Monica: (smiles brightly) Nothing. I'm happy for you.(hugs Rachel) You guys go ahead. Have your big ceremony. (mumbles) Rain on my parade.
Chandler: Uh, Monica, can I see you out in the hall?
C & M exit. Hallway outside Chandler/Joey's and Monica/Rachel's apt. Monica starts pacing, clenching and unclenching her fists.
Chandler: Sweetie, it's okay. They didn't know that we were talking about our wedding plans at lunch.
Monica: (ignoring) Oh, everything has to be a competition with him. He's already married, and now he's trying to steal my glory? (mocking) Oh, Rachel and I are going to have a big ceremony. Now mom and dad can hang all over me, like they usually do, and they won't even pay attention to the fact that you're getting married too. Ooh, he makes me so mad!
Mon/Rach's apt. Ross and Rachel hear a commotion out in the hall, and lean up against the door to listen.
Monica: He always has to be the prince! We had to push our wedding aside for them once already when they were trying to figure out if they even wanted to be together, and now we have to do it again so High-and-Mighty Prince Ross can have his big wedding extravaganza with Rachel while we sit in the corner and wait and wait and wait!! Aaargh! (sighs exasperatedly)
Chandler puts his hands on her shoulders to try to calm her down. Inside, Rachel and Ross look at each other, realizing their selfishness. Outside in the hall, Monica turns and starts crying on Chandler's shoulder as he holds her.
Chandler: I know. It's okay, honey. It's okay. Sshh.
Rachel and Ross bow their heads as the camera fades. COMMERCIAL BREAK. We return to Chandler and Joey's apartment, where Joey is flipping through the channels in his chair. Phoebe enters. Joey, without turning around, greets her.
Joey: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey, Joey. Where is everyone?
Joey: Um, well Ross and Rachel are probably cuddling somewhere, and Chandler and Monica had to go for a walk, cuz Monica got upset.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: I don't know....Something about Ross being a prince or something.
Phoebe: Ross is a prince?
Phoebe: Well, that would explain why he's so prissy.
Joey: That's what I was thinkin, too. (pauses) So, have you talked to your dad?
Phoebe: (glares) No! Why should I? He'd probably just start making out with his girlfriend or something. You know, my grandmother was right. He is the same dirtbag that ran out on my mom and us.
Joey: Phoebe, maybe if you just tell him how you feel? He might listen. It sounds to me like you're the only family he has left that will actually communicate with him. (holds up telephone) Call him.
Phoebe looks at the telephone, then at Joey.Cut to Monica and Rachel's apt. Ross is sitting in the armchair, talking to Rachel, who is in the bathroom, standing at the sink.
Ross: I feel so bad now. I had no idea they wanted to get married right away. Maybe we could have a double ceremony with them. You know, have all four of us up at the altar.
Rachel: (off-screen) Honey, it sounds to me like they want to have their own ceremony. You've been getting so much attention from your parents lately, Ross. With Ben, and your marriage to Emily, and then your divorce....Monica wants some attention for once.
Ross: But I want to have a big wedding right away, too.
Rachel stands in the hallway outside the bathroom.
Rachel: But, Ross, it's can't always be about you. Do you know how many times I have listened to Monica cry about how you're the favorite because so much is going on in your life, and how she feels insignificant because she can't even hold onto a boyfriend?
Ross looks at the floor.
Rachel: Let Chandler and Monica have a big ceremony. We are already married. All we really need to do is go on a vacation and have some alone-time. (goes back in the bathroom as Ross stares after her)
Ross: Sweetie, are you feeling okay? Why do you keep going in there?
Rachel: Ross, I need you....
Ross: (approaches door)The extra toilet paper rolls are under the sink. You should know that by now.
He opens the door and looks in, finding Rachel standing at the sink.
Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter and sit down on the couch. Chandler puts his arm around her.
Chandler: So, are you feeling better now?
Monica: (smiling faintly) Yeah, I guess.
Joey and Phoebe enter.
Phoebe: Hey, Mon. What happened? Joey said you were upset about something.
Monica: It's nothing. We really don't need to go over it again.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. So, how come you never told me that Ross was a prince?
Monica gives her a strange look.
Monica: He's not a prince, sweetie. I was just mad at him and called him that.
Phoebe: Oh. Are you sure you don't wanna talk about it?
Monica: Yeah. Chandler and I already talked about it. I feel better now.
Phoebe: I wanna know what's happening, though. Chandler, will you tell me?
Chandler looks at Monica, and after a moment, she nods.
Chandler: Well, we recently found out that Ross wants to give Rachel a real wedding ceremony. What he didn't know was, at lunch, Monica and I were discussing when to have our wedding, which is as soon as possible. Ross and Rachel said the same thing, so Monica got upset. (to Monica) We should try to clear things up with them. I'm sure they're still wondering what happened with you.
Monica: Yeah. (stands) Oh, by the way, Phoebe. Did you talk to your dad at all?
Phoebe: Yes. He said he felt really guilty about cancelling our plans, and then he explained that he wasn't taking his girlfriend out on a date anymore. She broke up with him.
Monica: Aww. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: It's okay. He said that made him realize that staying close with family was more important than staying close with a woman. So, we're going skating in the park tomorrow afternoon.
Phoebe: He wants to learn how to roller skate. I'm not that good, either, but he made me promise to teach him what I know.
Chandler:(standing) Which is...?
Phoebe: Which is...um....don't try to eat a hot dog, skate, and watch for pedestrians at the same time.
Chandler nods. He and Monica say goodbye and exit. Phoebe and Joey go up to the counter to order coffee as the camera fades to Monica/Rachel's apt. Rachel is lying on the couch with her chin tipped up, holding a kleenex. Ross is digging through the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of Fruitopia as Monica and Chandler enter.
Ross: So, what happened before?
Monica: Well, at lunch earlier, Chandler and I were discussing--oh, sweetie! What happened to you?
She rushes over to the couch as Rachel sits up slowly, pulling the kleenex away from her nose.
Rachel: Nosebleed. I'll tell ya later. Finish with your story.
Monica: Okay....well, we were discussing how we want to have our wedding as soon as possible. So, when we heard you guys talking about that, I guess I just got a little....I don't know....
Monica: (shooting him a look) Something to that effect. Anyway, I just want you guys to know that you can go ahead and have your wedding ceremony first. I mean, you did get married in Vegas, so you should be the first to have the real wedding.
Rachel: (smiling, pats her shoulder) Honey, that's sweet that you say that, but Ross and I heard some of your....
Ross: Ranting and raving?
Monica shoots him another dirty look. Rachel does the same.
Rachel: Some of your conversation out in the hall, and we were talking about how unfair that it was that we were being so selfish. I mean, we already are married. You guys aren't. You should get to have your special day. We both want you guys to be married first.
Ross approaches Rachel and clasps her hand.
Ross: Well nothing. It's settled.
Monica: Now, how did you get your nosebleed, sweetie?
Rachel: Well, it's kind of a funny story, and it ties in with the whole wedding planning thing.
Monica nods, signaling for her to go on. She looks at her lap.
Rachel: Well, you know how I get nosebleeds from being stressed out, right? Well...um...you guys have to get married first anyways.
Monica: Just because you got a nosebleed?
Rachel: No, because of the reason why I got the nosebleed.
Chandler: And that would be...?
Rachel hesitates. You can guess what's coming, can't you? Don't shake your head no! I know you know what's coming, and I say it's better to throw it in now than to wait for the end of the season. Rachel hesitates some more, and Ross tightens his grip on her hand.
Rachel: That would be...because....
Monica, Chandler, and the whole wide world are on the edge of their seats now as she hestitates and builds the suspense.
Rachel: (sighs).....I'm pregnant.
Monica and Chandler's jaws drop. They look at each other as the camera fades. COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Epilogue: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are on the couch, talking.
Phoebe: I think I'm going to write a song about my dad.
Joey: Yeah? What will your lyrics be?
Phoebe: Something about how he used to be a dirtbag, but now he's nice.
Joey: Sounds like a hit. (stands)
Phoebe: Where're ya going?
Joey: Oh, I'm gonna go rent some movies. Wanna come with?
Phoebe stands excitedly, smiling brightly.
Phoebe: Sure! Ooh, what're we gonna rent?
Joey: I want to get some videos of those Romeo and Juliet people. I bet those are funny.
Phoebe temporarily forgets Chandler's explanation of Romeo and Juliet.
Phoebe: Romeo and Juliet, funny?
Joey: Yeah. Pheebs, don't you remember when Chandler was telling us about how they were like the Three Stooges, and said I had to watch more TV because I didn't know who they were?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that's right.
Her smug smile returns as Joey heads out the door in front of her.
Phoebe: Guess I have to pay attention to conversations more.
The door closes behind her, and the camera fades out. END.