THE ONE WITH WORLD WAR III
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Monica are present)
Monica: So are you still mad at Phoebe Joe?
Joey: No not all.
Ross: Man, if she had me arrested, I'd be pissed as hell.
Joey: Oh, I'm definitely pissed. She's a dead woman.
Monica: You just said that you weren't mad at her.
Joey: I'm not. I'm pissed at her.
Monica: But that means the same thing.
Joey: Not in my book. When you're mad at someone, you eventually forgive them. I'm pissed. When you're pissed, you never forgive the person.
Ross: I don't know about that Joey. Rachel was pissed at me for a long time for sleeping with Chloe but she eventually forgave me.
Joey: That doesn't even compare to what Phoebe did to me. She let me sit in jail for twelve hours before she dropped the charges. Yeah, she'll pay. Trust me, I'll get even with her.
Monica: It sounds like World War III is about to break out.
Joey: There were two World Wars already? When did that happen?
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler: Have you talked to Joey?
Phoebe: No. I dropped the charges against that boy and he doesn't even say thank you.
Chandler: You expect him to say thank you?
Phoebe: It's the courteous thing to do.
Chandler: Pheebs, you had him arrested. It's not like you sent him to Cancun or something.
Phoebe: He could still be rotting in jail if it wasn't for me. He should apologize and thank me for dropping the charges.
Chandler: What is he supposed to apologize to you for?
Phoebe: For divorcing me.
Chandler: He offered to call off the divorce Phoebe. He didn't know that you loved him in that way.
Phoebe: Are you defending him?
Chandler: No, I'm just pointing out the facts as I see them.
Phoebe: He should still apologize.
Chandler: You're holding it against him that he didn't know that you were really in love with him?
Phoebe: Yeah. I can't help it if he was too stupid to know that I was head over heels in love with him.
Chandler: You know that Joey's gonna seek revenge. Look what he did to Courteney.
Phoebe: If that boy wants to start World War III, then bring it on. I'll kick his sorry ass to Connecticut and back.
VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Her boss Katie, enters)
Katie: Welcome back Rachel. How are you doing?
Rachel: I feel really weird.
Katie: Yeah it can be a little overwhelming when you return from maternity leave. I remember after my first child that it took me like two weeks to settle back into my routine. Is Caitlin down in day care?
Rachel: No, Ross is off for the summer so he's watching her.
Katie: You're a brave woman.
Rachel: Why's that?
Katie: Men know nothing about taking care of children.
Rachel: Normally I'd agree with you, but this is Ross' second child. He knows what he's doing.
Katie: His second?
Rachel: Yeah, he had a son through his first marriage. My stepson is eight now.
Katie: Well anyway, it's great to have you back. I'll see you later. (Katie goes to leave, then turns around) Oh, by the way, I need you to go to Los Angeles for the rest of the week.
Katie: There's no time like the present.
Rachel: But LA isn't even in my territory. That's Kitty's territory.
Katie: Kitty was killed in an accident about three weeks ago.
Rachel: Are you serious?
Katie: Yeah, she was hit by an old lady in a runaway wheelchair. It was a freak accident. Thank God Kitty didn't feel a thing.
Rachel: How could she get hit by a wheelchair and die?
Katie: It's wasn't the wheelchair that did her in. It was the city bus. When she got hit by the wheelchair, she fell backwards into traffic. She never knew what hit her. Anyway, I need you to run her territory until I find a replacement. Actually, I've set up some interviews for you. You're gonna hire the replacement for Kitty.
Katie: But what?
Rachel: I guess I'm just not prepared to take on this assignment. I figured I'd have a chance to ease back into work.
Katie: I let you ease back into work. It's 10:30. I waited two hours to tell you the news. You fly out tomorrow.
Rachel: Tomorrow? Can't it wait a week?
Katie: I understand that it's hard for you to leave Caitlin with Ross, but I really need you to do this assignment. It's part of being in upper management. Get used to it.
Rachel: Is there anything else I should know?
Katie: No. (turns to leave) Oh, there's one other thing. Do you remember Michael in accounting?
Rachel: Yeah. What about him?
Katie: His name is now Michelle. He had a sex change about a month ago.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are present)
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm analyzing the statistical data of our Uniondale store. What are you doing besides annoying me?
Monica: This isn't going to work. You have to go to the office.
Chandler: I thought you liked me working at home.
Monica: I did. But then I realized that you actually work.
Chandler: Well that is why they call it working at home.
Monica: You didn't do that at your last job.
Chandler: That's because we weren't allowed to work at home.
Monica: But you didn't work at the office either.
Chandler: I know, that's why I got fired. What's going on? Do you have some secret boyfriend that I don't know about?
Monica: No. You're just interrupting my daily routine.
Chandler: Which is?
Chandler: You need to get a life. This place is already spotless.
Monica: Can't you just work at the office?
Chandler: I work at the office three days a week. I like working at home, it allows me to spend more time with you.
Monica: That's a load of crap. If I were working the day shift, you'd be playing video games.
Chandler: No, the old Chandler would be playing video games, the new Chandler would be working. As much as I'm enjoying this conversation, I need to get back to work.
Monica: Fine. (under her breath) I'll make you go back to the office.
Chandler: What was that honey?
Monica: Nothing. My bra strap just broke, that's all.
PHIOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is reading on the couch when Joey knocks on her door)
Phoebe: I'll be right there. (Phoebe opens the door) Oh, hey Joe. Did you come to apologize to me?
Joey: No, I have a present for you instead.
Phoebe: Oh that's so sweet. What did you bring me?
Joey (taking a stink bomb out of his pocket and throwing it into Phoebe's apartment): This.
Phoebe: What was that?
Joey (shutting the door): See ya Pheebs. Enjoy the smell. (the stink bomb goes off)
Phoebe (gagging): Oh my God! That smells worse than the bathroom after he dumps a load! You are so dead Tribbiani!
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Monica and Caitlin are present)
Monica: Chandler's driving me crazy!
Ross: When isn't Chandler driving you crazy?
Monica: No, I mean it this time. He's working out of our apartment.
Monica: It's disrupting my daily routine.
Ross: So adapt, that's what dinosaurs did.
Monica: Yeah, they did a good adapting to the Ice Age.
Ross (upset): Hey, nearly everything living thing didn't survive the Ice Age. Dinosaurs did the best they could.
Monica: Would you relax? I was just fooling around. There's no need to get bent out of shape.
Ross: I'm sorry. I thought you were being serious.
Monica: I was at first but then I realized I shouldn't open that big can of worms. Anyway, I have to make Chandler want to work at the office instead of at home. What could I do to make him want to do that?
Ross: I don't know. All I know is that you can be very annoying. Do that.
Monica: I am not annoying!
Ross: You're not high maintenance either.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Ross: I didn't say that you were. Look, if you want him to go back to the office, just tell him.
Monica: I did.
Ross: And he didn't go?
Monica: No, he told me that he liked working out of the apartment. He liked being around me during the day.
Ross: That's sweet.
Monica: Sweet?! It friggin sucks!
Ross: Ok, ok. Ok, do this. Go back upstairs and take all your clothes off.
Monica: I'm not gonna reward him! I want him to go back to the office!
Ross: Would you shut up for a minute? You didn't let me finish. Go upstairs and start cleaning the apartment completely naked. He'll want you and all you have to do is deny him. Do that for a couple of days, and trust me, he'll go back to the office.
Monica: You really think that'll work?
Ross: It did when Rachel did it to me.
Monica: But this is Chandler, not you.
Ross: Or you could just put up with Chandler working out of the apartment.
Monica: Completely nude huh? That might work. I do have a fabulous body.
Ross: Stop right there.
Monica: What's the problem?
Ross: You're my little sister and I really don't want to hear about what you think of your body.
Ross: I thought you returned to work today?
Rachel: I did.
Monica: Why are you so bummed?
Rachel: I have to go to LA tomorrow.
Ross: You're going to Louisiana?
Rachel: Los Angeles. I'm going to Los Angeles.
Ross: What about Caitlin?
Rachel: Well it looks like you're taking care of her while I'm gone.
Rachel: Is that a problem?
Ross: No. I was just gonna go to Dinosaur Park with Ben tomorrow. It's no big deal. We can go when you get back. When are you getting back?
Rachel: At the end of the week.
Monica: I could watch Caitlin for you tomorrow Ross.
Ross: Doubtful. Like I'm gonna leave my son with a woman who's gonna be cleaning her apartment naked to drive her husband back to his office.
Rachel: Chandler driving you nuts again?
Monica: Yeah. He's been working out of the apartment.
Rachel: He's actually working?
Monica: I know, I was surprised too.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is playing video games. Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Joey: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: I just came to stop this war between us before it gets out of hand. I also wanted to apologize to you for having you arrested. Can't we just act civil towards one another?
Joey: I can if you will.
Phoebe: Ok. Here, I brought you a chocolate milkshake as a peace offering.
Joey (taking the milkshake): Thanks Phoebe. That's really nice of you.
Phoebe: Well I got go. They're having an anti-fur rally down at the park. Wanna go?
Joey: No, that's ok. I'll see you later though.
Phoebe: Bye Joey. (Phoebe leaves)
Joey: Wow, this really tastes good.
(Cut to the hallway. Monica is returning from Central Perk and bumps into Phoebe who is laughing)
Monica: Hey Pheebs. What's so funny?
Phoebe: I just gave Joey a laxative filled milkshake. That boy's gonna be crapping for hours.
Monica: What is that smell?
Phoebe: That's me. Joey threw a stink bomb into my apartment.
Monica: Why didn't you shower?
Phoebe: I did. Three times.
Monica: Well go shower again. You stink. You smell like you rolled in dog do-do.
(Cut back to Joey's apartment. He's finished the shake. He grabs his stomach)
Joey: Oh no! (races towards the bathroom) I'm gonna kill her!
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Caitlin are present)
Rachel: You don't seem very concerned that I'm leaving for the rest of the week.
Ross: What's there to be concerned about?
Rachel: Ah, I'm leaving for the rest of the week. You're not gonna miss me?
Ross: Not really. I'll have Caitlin here to entertain me.
Rachel (storming out of the bedroom): Fine, be that way! Don't miss your loving wife!
Ross: Relax. I was just kidding. Of course I'm gonna miss you. It means I have to have sex by myself for the rest of the week.
Rachel (hugging Ross): I'm sorry. I just really don't wanna go.
Ross: I know, but it's part of your job.
Rachel: Why can't I have a job like yours where you really don't do anything?
Ross: Are you demeaning my job again? College professors are very important people in the academic world.
Rachel: I know. But face it, you teach a subject so boring that even the brightest students at NYU take your class just so they can catch up on some much needed sleep.
Ross: Yeah, I hope you have to stay in LA for two weeks.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Chandler is working at the computer at the table. Monica emerges nude from their bedroom)
Chandler: Did someone forget to do the laundry?
Monica: No, I just feel like being naked. I think I'm gonna straighten up around here if that's ok with you?
Chandler: That's, that's, that's, ah what I'm trying to say is that it's ok by me.
Monica: Could you hand me the vacuum cleaner?
Chandler: Here you go.
Chandler: By the way, the apartment is the only thing that's straightened up.
Monica: Sounds like a personal problem.
Chandler: You don't wanna go have sex?
Monica: No. I know you have important work to do. Don't let me disturb you.
Chandler: I can take a fifteen-minute break.
Monica: But you're not gonna because I don't want to have sex right now.
Chandler: So you're naked because you feel like being naked?
Monica: Yeah. Is that a problem?
Chandler: No, no, no problem. I'll just go back to what I'm doing. Ok, this number goes here.
Monica (VO): It's working! I can't believe that it's working.
(Monica bends over to pick something up. Chandler is trying very hard to control himself)
Chandler: Have I ever told you that you have a very nice ass?
Monica (standing back up): Nope.
Chandler: You have an ass that most women would die for.
Monica: Thanks honey, I really appreciate it. Now go back to work.
Chandler: You also have really nice legs.
Monica: That I know.
Chandler: Yeah, what time do your legs open for business?
Monica: Chandler! I'm your wife, not a hooker for hire!
Chandler: I'm sorry. You've just really turned me on. I can't concentrate. How long are you gonna be doing this?
Monica: Until the apartment is spotless.
Chandler: But in your eyes the apartment is never spotless!
Monica (bending over again): Then get used to this sight.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe has returned from the rally. She goes to open her door. The key won't go in the lock)
Phoebe: What the hell is going on? Why can't I get my key in the damn door knob?
(cut to a little later. A locksmith has come to let Phoebe in)
Locksmith: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to take the door knob off and replace it.
Phoebe: Why? What's wrong with the one on there now?
Locksmith: Somebody super-glued the lock. You can't get a key in there no matter how hard you try.
Phoebe: That bastard. I'm gonna kill him.
Locksmith: Kill who?
Phoebe: My ex-husband.
Locksmith: Ah, the famous War of the Roses, I've seen this a million times.
Phoebe: It's more like World War III now. How much is this gonna run me?
Phoebe: $300? For a stupid door knob you're gonna charge me $300?
Phoebe: That boy is gonna get it.
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Monica is still walking around naked. Chandler has completely stopped working)
Chandler: Are you almost finished?
Monica: I still have to mop the floors.
Chandler: Can I give you a hand?
Monica: No. You said you had a lot to do.
Chandler: Well could you give me a hand?
Monica: With what?
Chandler: This bulge that I have in my pants.
Monica: I already told you, I don't want to have sex with you.
Chandler: You'd be helping me have sex with myself.
Monica: If I help you will you work at the office from now on?
Monica: Then you're on your own.
Chandler (reconsidering): Would you let me take you now if I agreed to work at the office from now on?
Monica: You could take me right here in the kitchen. (Chandler takes Monica in his arms) From the pressure on my butt I'm feeling that you're gonna take me right here in the kitchen.
Chandler: I might even have to take you twice. Now what time does those legs open for business?
Monica (looking at the clock): These legs opened for business at 4:37 pm.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are approaching Joey's door)
Ross: You actually super-glued her lock?
Joey: Yeah. It's an old Tribbiani trick. My Dad used to do it to my mom's car when he was mad at her.
Ross: You're not fearing Phoebe's revenge.
Joey (unlocking his door): Like Phoebe knows it was me. (Joey enters his apartment, all of his stuff is gone again) I'm gonna kill Courteney!
Ross: Ah Joe, I think Phoebe's the one that's responsible.
Joey: You think?
Ross: Didn't you have the locks changed after you took Courteney upstate and left her handcuffed to the bed?
Joey: Phoebe! Phoebe did this! She is so dead! (Joey goes to leave)
Ross: Where're you going?
Joey: To kill Ms. Buffay. (Joey leaves)
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (Ross goes next door to Chandler and Monica's apartment. Ross opens the door to find Chandler and Monica getting it on on the table)
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica (to Chandler): You didn't lock the door!
Chandler: I was concentrating on something more important!
Monica: What could be more important than locking the door!
Chandler: Hey, you're the one who said you're legs were open for business!
Ross (laughing): I'll see you guys later. Watch out for the table, it's pretty weak.
Monica: This table isn't weak. What's he talking about? (just as she finishes her sentence the table gives way and they crash to the floor)
Chandler: Why do I get the feeling that he and Rachel got busy on this table?
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe is preparing to go out. Joey bangs on her door)
Phoebe (VO): That must be Joey.
Joey (from outside her door): Open the door Phoebe! I know you stole myself!
Phoebe (opening the door): I did not do anything of the sort.
Joey: Yes you did. Ross saw you leaving with all my stuff!
Phoebe: He did not. I would've known. I didn't see him the whole time we were at your apartment!
Joey: See, you just admitted that you stole myself! It's your turn to be arrested! Come and get her guys!
Police Officer #1: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Police Officer #2: You're under arrest for burglary. You have the right to remain silent….(reads her her rights)
Phoebe: This isn't over Joey.
Joey: Hey, you're the one going to jail and this hombre isn't gonna drop the charges!
Phoebe: You wouldn't!
Joey: Try me!
Phoebe: I did. I don't see what women see in you Joe, you really suck in bed!
CHANDLER & MONICA'S APARTMENT (The next morning. Everyone but Joey and Phoebe are present)
Monica: So you'll be back on Friday?
Rachel: Yeah, hopefully I can catch an early flight.
Chandler: Are you gonna see Jennifer and Brad while you're there?
Rachel: I totally forgot to call them.
Ross: Do you want me to call them?
Rachel: No, maybe I'll just surprise them. Actually I don't know if I'll even have time to see them. I guess I'll play it by ear.
Chandler: How's that possible? You're totally tone deaf.
Joey: Hey. Where you going Rachel?
Rachel: To LA for a week.
Joey: Oh, so you're leaving Caitlin with her godfather?
Rachel: More like her father.
Joey: Like I said, leaving her with her godfather.
Ross: Did you sleep with my wife?
Chandler: Why not, he sleeps with everyone else's wife.
Ross: Where’s Phoebe?
Joey: In jail.
Ross: You had her arrested?!
Rachel: What did she do to you?
Joey: She stole all my stuff and gave it to the homeless! There's some homeless man watching porn on my big-screen TV and VCR!
Monica: That's a good reason to have her arrested.
Chandler: When are you two gonna wise up and realize that you're in love with each other?
Joey: As soon as she puts a stop to this ugly war! She's the one who started it!
Ross (to Rachel): Thank god we didn't fight like this when we broke up the first time.
Rachel: Yeah but if you ever, ever try and divorce me, I'll kill you by slitting your throat and taking a crap down it.
Chandler: Maybe OJ's right, maybe he wasn't the real killer.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Caitlin, Monica and Chandler are present)
Monica: Rachel get off safely?
Ross: Yeah, she didn't use her vibrator until after she got out of the shower.
Monica: That's not what I meant.
Ross: Her flight was right on time.