TOW the Laundry
[Scene: Central Perk Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.]
ROSS: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?
RACH: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
ROSS: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?
ROSS: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?
RACH: Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
ROSS: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
. . . . .
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler is over.]
ROSS: [on phone] Ok, bye. [hangs up] Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
CHAN: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?
ROSS: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
CHAN: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
ROSS: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
CHAN: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear--do you want it to be dirty?
ROSS: [sheepish] No.
CHAN: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
ROSS: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
CHAN: There you go.
. . . . .
[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.]
WOMAN: Comin' through. Move, move.
RACH: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
WOMAN: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
RACH: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
WOMAN: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
WOMAN: No suds, no save. Ok? [Ross arrives.]
ROSS: What's goin' on?
RACH: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
ROSS: Was your basket on top?
RACH: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
RACH: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
ROSS: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. [to woman] That's my friend's machine.
WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
ROSS: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it. [The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.]
ROSS: [to the crowd in the laundromat] All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. [to Rachel] Ok, let's do laundry.
RACH: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
ROSS: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent. [Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.]
RACH: What's that?
ROSS: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
Rachel starts to load her clothes.]
ROSS: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
RACH: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
ROSS: Rach, have you never done this before?
RACH: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
ROSS: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole another machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
RACH: [holds a pair of panties in front of Ross] Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
ROSS: [visibly nervous] Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
. . . . .
RACH: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
ROSS: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? [the buzzer on the washer goes off] I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...[opens up the washer] Uh-oh.
RACH: What uh-oh?
ROSS: [not wanting to tell her] Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. [singing] Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
RACH: Ross, what's the matter?
ROSS: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
RACH: Come on, show me.
ROSS: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
RACH: Oh, everything's pink.
ROSS: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
RACH: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!
[The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.]
. . . . .
[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]
ROSS: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
RACH: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
[The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.]
RACH: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
WOMAN: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
[Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.]
RACH: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our c.
WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
RACH: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
WOMAN: Let go!
[They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.]
RACH: All right, listen, missy. If want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!
[She thinks it over, and then walks away.]
RACH: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that?
ROSS: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
RACH: I could not have done it without you.
[Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.]
ROSS: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? [Ross turns and bangs his head an open dryer door.]
I'm fine, I'm fine.
RACH: Are you sure?
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]
RACH: Oh, are you sure you're ok?
RACH: Does it still hurt?
PHOE: [seeing Rachel's clothes] What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
Last updated: 16/3/99
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