TOW THE BAYWATCH VIDEOS

 

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Ross and Chandler are playing playstation.]

 

(Joey enters with a bag in his hand.)

 

Joey: Chandler, cancel your plans for today!

Chandler: Oh sorry Joe I don’t think I’m comfortable going on a date with you.

Ross: (Turns around.) What you got there?

Joey: A bag full of all the Baywatch episodes. Man, this is going to be the best. Imagine a whole day with only Baywatch.

Ross: Quiet waste of time!

Chandler and Joey: WHAT?

Joey: What did you say? WASTE OF TIME? We live for Baywatch.

Chandler: (To Ross) There are chicks and they are running!

Ross: Still I just don’t see what’s the big deal.

Joey: Didn’t you hear that there are chicks running?

Ross: Look you two; I’m just not a Baywatch person.

Chandler: (To Joey) Before I forget I can’t watch it with you today ‘cause I need to go to the gynecologist with Monica you know for the baby and (To Ross) HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE BAYWATCH?

 

(Joey puts the Baywatch video in to the VCR.)

 

Ross: Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean- (sees the female lifeguards running.) oh sweet Jesus. (To Chandler and Joey.) They’re running! Girls in bathing suits and they’re running!

 

(Starts to watch Baywatch obviously drooling. Chandler and Joey are smiling.)

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Emma, Monica and Phoebe are there.]

 

Monica: Rachel, that’s like your fifth coffee.

Rachel: I know, somebody was too lazy to get up all night long and look after Emma.

Phoebe: Who? (Monica and Rachel give her a look.) I get it. (Whispering to Monica.) Seriously who?

Rachel: You know what’s even worst. My mother is coming today to check out on the baby and me.

Phoebe: Why is that bad?

Rachel: A whole day with my mother? (Imitating her mother.) Rachel, honey, did you talk to Ross about where the baby should go to college? Sweetheart, why aren’t you with Ross? What’s new in sex?

Phoebe: Sounds like a cool mom.

Monica: I would be honored to have a mother like Mrs. Green.

Phoebe: Are you still on that? Come on the baby shower was like a month ago!

Monica: Still!

Rachel: Oh my god, she is going to force me in to asking Ross to marry me!

Monica: Don’t be silly!

Rachel: And then, she is going to ask me all these sex questions.

Phoebe: Wow! Your mother is so cool!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You see I don’t have a real mother so I never had someone around me to listen to me or ask questions.

Monica: Will you once not talk about your unbirth mom’s death?

Phoebe: I just thought that it was a really good story.

Monica: Look Rachel, it’s gonna be okay. If she does ask you a question like that then just change the subject.

Rachel: That’s a good idea, I should do that.

 

(Chandler enters.)

 

Chandler: Honey, we have to go to you OB-GYN now.

Phoebe: Why? I’m not pregnant! (They all give her a look. To Chandler.) Oh I thought you were talking to me.

Monica: It’s 1:30pm.

Chandler: Yes, our appointment is at 1:35pm.

Monica: We’re gonna be late!

Chandler: You think?

Monica: Let’s go, come on move it move it. (Leaves running.)

Chandler: (To Rachel and Phoebe.) If she is gonna be like that when she is pregnant then we have no problem. (Leaves.)

Rachel: Gosh, it’s so great that they’re gonna have a baby too.

Phoebe: Yeah what a copycat. First me then you and now her?

Rachel: She isn’t copying us. She just wants a family.

Phoebe: That’s not what she told me.

Rachel: Oh shoot, I gotta go, my mother is gonna come to my apartment any minute.

Phoebe: Okay bye bye then. You all leave me alone, fine you guys are the best friends ever.

 

(Rachel opens the door to leave. She is ignoring Phoebe because Phoebe is yelling.)

 

Phoebe: I GUESS I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE THAN GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE MY NEW BOYFRIEND!!! (To herself calmly.) Oh I still have it, people are scared the hell from me.

 

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Ross is still watching Baywatch and Joey is sitting next to him.]

 

Ross: So this is Baywatch!

Joey: Yeah! (Stands up to take out the video from the VCR.)

Ross: What, what, what are you doing?

Joey: Taking out the video.

Ross: Why?

Joey: ‘Cause I borrowed them from a friend so I can watch it with Chandler.

Ross: What about me? Watch it with me!

Joey: You said it was a waste of time!

Ross: Yes but it isn’t apparently.

Joey: Ross you are my friend but I want to watch it with Chandler.

Ross: Well he couldn’t care to be here.

Joey: True, he could have canceled his appointment with the doctor… Okay Ross pause it.

Ross: Why?

Joey: I’m going to get the beers and lock the doors.

Ross: Why?

Joey: Stop asking just listen. Baywatch is like our heaven. Nothing can disturb Baywatch so we have to make sure no one interrupts us.

Ross: Okay.

 

(Joey quickly gets the beers and locks the door and Ross pushes play after Joey came and sat down.)

 

Joey: Oh mama!

Ross: Oh yeah! … So that’s Yasmine Bleeth.

Joey: Aha!

Ross: I heard you and Chandler talk about them running but I never thought it would be this great!

Joey: Now shut up so we can watch this. (Pause.) Don’t you have to be at the university now?

Ross: Yeah I was supposed to be teaching them about the Jurassic Period. Oh hell it’s in the textbook they can learn it themselves.

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is sitting on the couch next to her mother who is holding Emma.]

 

Mrs. Green: Oh isn’t she the precious thing you ever seen? I can eat her up with a spoon.

Rachel: Yeah but DON’T.

Mrs. Green: Honey, I’m not going to. Oh I hear that your father and Ross had a talk together.

Rachel: What?

Mrs. Green: Yes a few days ago, they had lunch together.

Rachel: Ross didn’t tell me! Do you know what they had a talk about?

Mrs. Green: No sweetie, I don’t talk to your father, why don’t you ask Ross.

Rachel: I can’t believe it. My dad probably forced him in to not marrying me, he probably freaked Ross out.

Mrs. Green: Oh this is marvelous, you still have feelings for Ross.

Rachel: Who said I did?

Mrs. Green: It is so nice finally seeing you two together. He does have some control issues but still. Before you start denying I heard your father say that he was going to have the wedding in the Plaza.

Rachel: Mom, have you been talking to dad?

Mrs. Green: Why do you ask?

Rachel: Well suddenly you are hearing so many things from him.

Mrs. Green: Can’t couples that left eachother still talk?

Rachel: Mom?

Mrs. Green: Okay, we are planning your wedding together.

Rachel: MOM! But I’m not getting married!

Mrs. Green: That’s not what your father said and that’s not what Ross told your father!

Rachel: What? What’s going on?

Mrs. Green: Just calm down.

Rachel: (Stands up.) How can I calm down? You’re planning my wedding without even telling me that I have a wedding!

Mrs. Green: Well we thought that you already understood.

Rachel: Well I don’t feel like talking about this now.

 

(Goes to her bedroom then comes back and takes Emma from Mrs. Green’s arms and goes again to the bedroom.)

 

[Scene: Hospital room. Cliff is on the bed as Phoebe enters.]

 

Phoebe: Hey Cliff!

Cliff: Hey Phoebe.

Phoebe: So how are you today?

Cliff: Bad.

Phoebe: Oh why?

Cliff: A night without you made me devastated.

Phoebe: Did you just say that so I would kiss you?

Cliff: Kinda. I was actually going to say, you have the most wonderful eyes, and with your eyes I can be blinded by love.

Phoebe: Okay that earns two kisses.

 

(While they kiss a brunette, attractive lady enters.)

 

Woman: What is this? Is this a new service that you are providing yourself?

Cliff: Julia, what are you doing here?

Julia: Can’t I see my boyfriend?

Phoebe: What?

Julia: Yes that’s right, we are going out.

Cliff: No we are not. (To Phoebe.) I’m so sorry, we were dating before and I dumped her but she still comes to me.

Julia: How can you say that?

Cliff: The best thing for you to do is leave now!
Julia: I’m not leaving!

Phoebe: Hey Julia was it? Well uhhhhm let me just tell you what he said… (Yelling.) HE SAID GET OUT! So before I show you what Pheebs is made of you should leave!

Julia: Okay, okay, I’ll be coming back though.

 

(Julia leaves.)

 

Phoebe: So where were we?

Cliff: You’re not mad?

 

(Phoebe kisses him passionately.)

 

Phoebe: I wasn’t ‘cause I really wanted to finish that kiss so. (Pause.) What the hell was that about?

Cliff: Look, I’m so sorry but she is crazy, literally crazy and every since I broke up from her she still thinks that we are dating.

Phoebe: Well as long she is an ex then we have no problem! So when are you getting out of the hospital? Because I was hoping that any time soon I would be forkin’ ya.

Cliff: Oh little suspicious. Well you know I’m going to get out of the hospital right now. I don’t wanna miss that!

Phoebe: Seriously when?

Cliff: In a week.

Phoebe: In a week? That’s too long. Oh hell, it gives me time to prepare myself.

Cliff: And me too but that door has a window so I can’t ‘cause everyone that passes by would see me.

 

[Scene: The gynecologist. Monica and Chandler are waiting for the results.]

 

(The doctor enters.)

 

Dr. Thomson: Good news. You are infact pregnant.

Monica: I knew it! (To Chandler.) I’m a day late.

Chandler: (Ironically.) Wow!

Dr. Thomson: Now you don’t have to worry. The first month is no different from before. You might feel pain in your stomach from time to time and you will have morning sickness. Now-

Monica: Wait, wait, wait where’s my note pad. I need to write these down.

Chandler: Oh my God, you can’t remember that? They’re just some information, they’re not cheat facts.

Dr. Thomson: Actually it is a good idea to write these down and especially you as the father. The mother sometimes will forget her memory and you as the father have to be there to guide her.

Chandler: Oh my God, I’m going to be a father.

Monica: Not now honey!!!

Chandler: (To the doctor.) She is having our baby so now I’m clearly in her way, she doesn’t need me anymore.

Monica: I’m sorry I’m just really nervous.

Dr. Thompson: You don’t need to worry. Do you have any relative around or friends that has had a baby before?

Monica: Yes I do.

Dr. Thompson: They will be a really good help to you. (To Chandler.) You should also see a male that had a baby so they can give you some advice.

Chandler: (Nervous.) I’m gonna be a father.

 

[Scene: Joey’s place, Ross and Joey are still watching Baywatch.]

 

(Phoebe enters.)

 

Phoebe: Hey.

 

(Without taking their eyes off from the T.V.)

 

Ross: (To Joey.) Dude, your door doesn’t lock.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Phoebe just entered.

Joey: Oh well!

Phoebe: Fine if you don’t care to say hi.

Ross and Joey: (Coldly.) Hi.

Phoebe: Fine I was gonna flash you two but now I’m not gonna.

 

(They suddenly turn around smiling.)

 

Joey and Ross: Hey/ How are you/ How was your day?

Phoebe: Monica is right, use the “flash thing” you’ll get what you want.

Ross: Have you seen Rach?

Phoebe: I think she is at your place ‘cause her mother came.

Ross: I better go and say hi.

Phoebe: Bye.

Ross: Bye.

 

(Ross leaves.)

 

Phoebe: So what you doing?

Joey: Watching Baywatch.

Phoebe: So not for me.

Joey: What you talking about? This is Baywatch, lifeguards in bathing suits.

Phoebe: I hope you’re talking about female lifeguards.

Joey: Of course female lifeguards.

Phoebe: Still not interested I mean come on- (sees male lifeguards running.) Oh my! Come to mama.

Joey: Told you.

Phoebe: They’re running!

Joey: Yup! Yup! Running! Always running!

Phoebe: Joey, move over!

 

(Phoebe seats next to him.)

 

Joey: So you’re watching it with me?

Phoebe: Oh yeah! Wow!

Joey: How come you never say that to me?

Phoebe: Well you wear shorts and run like that then I’ll even marry you!

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Mrs. Green is sitting in the living room on the couch.]

 

(Rachel enters the living room with Emma.)

 

Rachel: Mom, did Ross really say that there was going to be a wedding?

Mrs. Green: Honey, you’ve been in there for an hour, were you thinking of that the whole time?

Rachel: No! (Mrs. Green gives her a look.) Well yes. I heard that he was going to propose before but in the end he never did.

Mrs. Green: Do you want him to propose?

Rachel: I don’t know. I love him but I’m not sure if I’m ready to go in to a sucha a big step.

Mrs. Green: (Laughs.) You just had a baby, that’s even bigger than a marriage. Look the only question is do you love him? And obviously you do.

Rachel: You’re right, of course you’re right. But we’re still not sure if he is going to propose.

Mrs. Green: Listen, if he doesn’t propose now he will someday ‘cause it’s you and him.

Rachel: I love Ross and I just need him in my life right now.

A voice from behind her: You do?

 

(Rachel turns around, it’s ROSS!)

 

Rachel: Oh my God, how did you get in?

Ross: Using the door.

Mrs. Green: I think I’m going to take Emma and leave you two alone.

 

(Mrs. Green leaves with Emma.)

Rachel: so how long have you been here?

Ross: Long enough to do this. (Kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: Oh wow! (Tries to hide her embarrassment.)  But you know what I said there… I mean they aren’t true-

Ross: What you said about your feelings might be not true but mine are! (Kisses her again.)

 

[Scene: Monica and Chandler are walking down the street.]

 

Chandler: I’m a father!

Monica: Honey, I know this is inappropriate right now and selfish but if I hear you say that one more time then you won’t be the dad.

Chandler: But I’m a dad!

Monica: Yes you are but this is about me having a baby, (Chandler gives her a look.) I meant us! Why do I do that? Oh by the way, I narrowed it down to two names, Gracie or Macie.

Chandler: Sounds like Macy’s and I do not want my child to be named after a store. What is it with you and names that end in “i” and “e”?

Monica: Or what about Nestle?

Chandler: Chocolate? Really? You see our baby named after a chocolate?

Monica: Well what are your ideas on names?

Chandler: Logan.

Monica: (She looks around.) Who? Where’s Logan?

Chandler: No I meant Logan for our child.

Monica: Logan doesn’t sound like a girls name…what about Loga?

Chandler: You’re still stuck on having a baby girl right?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Just wanna make sure we’re on the same page.

 

(Now they’re infront of Central Perk and they see Mrs. Green with Emma from the window.)

(They enter the coffee house.)

 

Monica: Hi Mrs. Green!

Chandler: Hello.

Mrs. Green: (Ignoring Monica.) Why hello Chandler!

Chandler: (To Monica.) Seems like she is still on that incident in the baby shower. I’ll just do the talking.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: So Mrs. Green, a day alone with your grandchild, pretty exciting huh?

Mrs. Green: Yes it is, I had to take care of her because I think Ross and Rachel are well what you kids say now “shaggin’ it up”.

Chandler and Monica: What?

Monica: My God.

Mrs. Green: But I think I’m not supposed to be telling you but oh well.

Chandler: Oh let’s go surprise them! (Monica and Mrs. Green give him a look.) Clearly not a good idea!

 

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. They just finished kissing.]

 

Rachel: Wow, I did not see this coming.

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: So what does this mean? I mean is this just a normal kiss or a kiss that meant something?

Ross: Well Rach, if you don’t know the answer then I can’t help you. (Ross gets up.)

Rachel: I’m just kidding (pulls Ross back to the couch.)

Ross: So I guess now we’re “Ross and Rachel” the secret couple.

Rachel: Secret?

Ross: Well I’m not ready to tell anyone, are you?

Rachel: Well I guess you weren’t ready to tell me that you had lunch with my dad.

Ross: Hey who told you?

Rachel: Doesn’t matter just nice to see you making a commitment.

Ross: So we’re not telling anyone yet right?

Rachel: Sneaking around will be fun so why not! (Pause.) Oh gosh!

Ross: What?

Rachel: We left Emma to long with my mom.

Ross: Oh yeah, poor woman we should go help her out.

Rachel: No, I meant poor Emma! Probably dehydrated by my mother’s stories.

Ross: She’s only a month old.

Rachel: Still if she can hear Janice’s laugh in my stomach then obviously she can hear my mom’s stories.

 

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, Joey and Phoebe are still watching Baywatch.]

 

Phoebe: So this is Baywatch, very interesting.

Joey: I know.

Phoebe: You should try to get an audition for this.

Joey: I tried but they said I was too fat to be a lifeguard here.

Phoebe: They said that?

Joey: Yeah but I don’t mind I prefer eating. Ohh that reminds me, I’m hungry.

 

(Monica and Chandler enter.)

 

Chandler: Oh Baywatch!

 

(Pause.)

 

Monica: Fine don’t ask how it was at the gynecologists.

Phoebe: Mon, how was it at the gynecologists? (Still watching Baywatch.)

Monica: Well I’m officially pregnant! Yey!

Chandler: I was psyched too!

Phoebe and Joey: That’s great!

Joey: But you know we celebrated it before so can we now continue watching Baywatch?

Monica: Fine if a stupid show like that is more important than me-

All except Monica: Whoa!

Chandler: What did you just say?

Joey: Stupid?

Phoebe: Take it back.

Monica: (Surprised.) Since when do you watch Baywatch?

Phoebe: Since I realized that I’m a very cool person.

 

(Chandler sits next to Phoebe and Joey, Monica goes infront of the T.V.)

 

Monica: So bunch of people saving other people is entertaining?  I mean- (sees them running.) Oh my! (Sees the male lifeguards running.) Oh my, my, my, my, that’s some kind of package that guy has.

 

(They all laugh.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: You mean Michael Bergin? (He starts laughing again.)

Monica: What’s wrong with him.

Joey: Nothing he’s just way out of your league.

Monica: Well if I knew him I could have him!

Phoebe: Oh yeah right.

Monica: So who do you like Pheebs?

Phoebe: Definitely Charlie Brumbly.

Monica: Don’t you think that he is out of your league? I mean if you can get Charlie then I can get Michael.

 

(They all start laughing again.)

 

Chandler: (Laughing.) Okay, give that a try! (Monica gives him an evil look.) Okay don’t!

 

[Scene: Joey’s apartment, continuation from before, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are all staring at Baywatch.]

 

Monica: We almost forgot to tell you!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Guess what Chandler and I found out. You know Rach and-

Chandler: Honey! Can I see you for a minute?

Monica: Wait let me finish, so-

Chandler: Now!

Monica: Whoa mister! Don’t take that tone with me.

Chandler: Okay I won’t but come for a sec.

 

(Both go in to the bathroom.)

 

Monica: What happened?

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: I was gonna tell them about Rach and Ross.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: ‘Cause it’s good gossip.

Chandler: Look I think we should give them some privacy, I mean Rachel and Ross.

Monica: Since when do you care so much?

Chandler: Well when they found out about us they kept the secret I mean Rach did.

Monica: But they also tried to have fun with us.

 

(Chandler starts smiling.)

 

Monica: Why you smiling? Got lucky? (Still smiles trying to show Monica something.) Oh we can have fun of our own with them.

Chandler: Exactly!

Monica: Oh gosh you are so smart! (She kisses him.)

(They go in to the living room.)

 

Phoebe: So Mon, what were you gonna tell us before.

Monica: Uhhhmm, I’m gonna have a baby.

Joey: We already know that, you were gonna say something about Rachel.

Monica: Uhhhmm, Rachel went shopping for a whole day three days ago! You know since she isn’t pregnant anymore.

Phoebe: (Pause.) I don’t know what to do with that!

Chandler: Well Monica is just sad that she can’t borrow her clothes anymore ‘cause in eight months and two weeks she is gonna have our own baby, so soon she won’t fit in her clothes!

Monica: (Starts crying.) I totally forgot about that! I’M GONNA BE FAT AGAIN!

Phoebe: (To Chandler.) All you had to do was to shut up!

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment, everyone is there including Emma and Mrs. Green.]

 

Ross: Coffee house anyone?

Chandler: I’ll go.

Joey: Me too!

Ross: What happened to your whole-day-Baywatch-watching plan?

Joey: I needed a rest.

Chandler: So let’s go to the coffee house.

 

(Chandler and Joey get up to leave. Ross bends over to Rachel to whisper in her ear.)

 

Ross: Remember a secret!

Rachel: Yeah, see you tonight.

 

(Monica and Chandler look at eachother smiling ‘cause they know what’s going on with Rachel and Ross.)

 

Ross: So see ya all.

 

(The guys leave.)

 

Mrs. Green: This is so nice, just the girls.

Rachel: Oh Mon, do you have any foundation? I think mine is going away from all the sweat.

Monica: No but Joey does.

Phoebe: What’s Joey doing with a foundation?

Monica: It was a gift from Chandler’s father, he said Joey needed it.

 

(Rachel gets up.)

 

Mrs. Green: Oh honey, don’t get up, you must be still tired from the birth I’ll go get it for you. Where is it?

Monica: I think it’s in the bathroom, the drawer under the sink where he keeps his make-up.

Rachel: Joey uses make-up?

Phoebe: Also gifts from Mr. Bing?

Monica: No they were from Chandler.

(Mrs. Green leaves.)

(The camera shoots to the street.)

 

Joey: (To Ross and Chandler.) Oh shoot, I left the VCR on, I’ll be back.

Ross: (To Chandler.) Since when does he care about electricity?

Chandler: Beats me.

 

(Joey’s apartment, Mrs. Green enters.)

 

Mrs. Green: (Sees Baywatch on the TV.) Wow! My, that is some touchy. (Sits on the couch and watches Baywatch.)

 

(Joey enters while-)

 

Mrs. Green: (Yelling.) RUN JASON, RUN LIKE THE WIND!

 

(Joey gets scared and immediately leaves.)