THE ONE AFTER ALL THE HEARTACHE

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)

Phoebe (to Joey): So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?

Joey: It’s kinda hard when you can’t find the person.

Phoebe: Did you check at the office?

Chandler: Wouldn’t do him any good.

Ross: Why not?

Chandler: She quit.

Rachel: Did she say where she was going?

Chandler: She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.

Rachel: There you go Joey, go to Florida.

Joey: Nah, I’ll just buy new stuff.

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ross: Oh my God, she’s having an orgasm right in front of us!

Rachel: What’s wrong Phoebe?

Phoebe: Nothing. Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.

Joey: Fine by me.

Ross: Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?

Chandler: 10:30. Why?

Rachel: It’s 10:45.

Chandler: So? (pause) Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife! (Chandler runs out of the apartment)

Ross: Monica’s gonna kill him.

Rachel: Relax, it’s only 9:45.

Phoebe (to Rachel): You are evil incarnate.

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner. Everyone else is sitting around)

Phoebe: You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out. We should do that again.

Joey: That would be funny.

Ross: But highly inappropriate.

Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.

Rachel: Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!

Joey: You need help?

Rachel: You think?

Ross: Let me do that sweetie. (takes the banner from Rachel)

Joey: Oh look, Weekend at Bernie’s is on.

(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)

Rachel: I love this movie!

Ross: Ah, Rach, could you help me please?

Rachel: Go help Ross Joey.

Joey: Why do I have to help him? He’s your husband.

Rachel: Because I said so.

Joey: That might work on Ross but it’s not working on me.

Rachel: You do it now, or I’ll spill the beans about your secret fetish.

Joey: That’ll work. (Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)

Ross (to Joey): What’s this fetish?

Joey: I dunno, but I don’t want Rach telling everyone.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)

Chandler (entering Monica’s room): Hey sweetie! How you doing?

Monica: Ok I guess.

Chandler: What’s wrong?

Monica: Nothing. (pause) I guess I’m just nervous to go back home.

Chandler: How come?

Monica: Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.

Chandler: Everything’s gonna be ok Mon. Everyone’s really excited to see you.

Monica (breaking down to tears): You don’t get it do you!

Chandler: What don’t I get?

Monica: I lost our baby. Everyone’s gonna think I’m a failure!

Chandler: Honey, honey, look at me. Mon, look at me. No one thinks you’re a failure. Everyone understands that what happen was not your fault. Everyone is behind you 100%. They’re just happy that you’re ok and you’re coming home.

Monica: Then why do I feel like a failure?

Chandler: Honestly?

Monica: No, lie to me. It’s what you do best.

Chandler: I don’t know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.

Monica: What the hell are you talking about?

Chandler: All I’m saying is that it’s natural to feel like you failed. But Mon, you’re not a failure. This could’ve happened to anyone. It could’ve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.

Monica: But it didn’t. It happened to me.

Chandler: Yes, it happened to you. It happened to us. But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.

Monica: But what if this happens again?

Chandler: Well what if it doesn’t? Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.

Monica (laughing): Ok, it’s time to go, you’re starting to get corny on me.

Chandler: Are you gonna be ok?

Monica: Probably. Thanks for being there for me.

Chandler: Like the minister said, “in sickness and in health”.

Monica: You were paying attention!

Chandler: Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)

Ross: Where are they? They should’ve been here by now.

Rachel: The movie’s almost over. Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.

Ross: Rachel! That’s your sister-in-law who’s coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie you’ve seen 50 times!

Rachel: Shut up Ross, they’re not here yet and the best part is coming up.

Joey: How did that actor play dead for the whole film?

Phoebe: He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.

Joey: And they say I’m not a good actor.

Ross: No, just a dumb one.

(Chandler and Monica enter)

Chandler: Hey guys, look who’s home!

Everyone: Monica!

Monica: Hey. Thanks for being here. It means a lot to me, to us.

Joey: Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernie’s is on.

Monica: Oh I’m sorry Rach, we should’ve waited in the hall until it was over.

Rachel: Don’t be silly, I’ve seen the movie 50 times.

Ross: Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movie’s over.

Rachel: You’re not Monica. So Mon, how are you doing?

Monica: I’ve been better, but I’m ok.

Phoebe: We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldn’t let us.

Chandler: Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.

Monica: Although it would’ve been pretty funny.

Phoebe: That’s what Joey and I thought. But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.

Ross: It would’ve been inappropriate!

Joey: Man, I haven’t heard you use that voice since the “we were on a break” era.

Rachel: Eh, I hear that voice all the time. You should come over more often Joey.

Ross: I’m going home!

Rachel: Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, we’re just kidding.

Ross (sitting down): We were on a break you know.

Rachel: That’s it, no more baby making for you. (Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica) Oh Mon, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up.

Monica: It’s ok. Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby. I really hope you guys get your wish. I don’t mean to be a downer, but I’m really tired and need a nap. I’m gonna go lay down. I’ll see you guys later.

Joey: Pheebs, we should get shopping.

Phoebe: You buying lunch? (Joey shakes his head no) Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.

Ross: Are you ready Rach?

Rachel: Yeah. Are we supposed to be doing something together?

Ross: We were gonna go to library remember?

Rachel: Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.

Chandler: See you guys.

(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)

Monica: You’re not supposed to see me like this!

Chandler: Oh, I didn’t realize you were naked.

Monica: That’s not what I meant!

Chandler: I was just trying to be funny. Mon, it’s gonna be ok. Rachel just slipped.

Monica: It’s not that. I know she didn’t mean anything by it.

Chandler: Then why are you crying?

Monica: I lost our baby you idiot!

Chandler: Come here. (takes Monica in his arms) It’s gonna be ok eventually, I promise.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present. Rachel is bored to tears)

Rachel: Are you almost done?

Ross: No.

Rachel: How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?

Ross: Don’t rush me.

Rachel: Here’s one, read this.

Ross: That’s a Barney book.

Rachel: Well it’s about a dinosaur and it’s aimed at your education level.

Ross: Why don’t you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something. You’re driving me nuts.

Rachel: Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes you’re not gonna have nuts to drive.

MELO’S PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)

Phoebe: How you doin?

Joey: Not bad, how you doin?

Phoebe: I could use some Joey love.

Joey: I thought we weren’t doing that anymore.

Phoebe: We’re not.

Joey: Then why….

Phoebe: I could yearn for Joey love, that’s not against the rules.

Joey: I could fill your yearn.

Phoebe: That’s not all you could fill. (pause) We haven’t even gone shopping yet. We’re supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.

Joey: Sorry, I was hungry.

Phoebe: You do realize it’s only 11 am.

Joey: Yeah. I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.

Phoebe: Don’t you mean we?

Joey: No. I have to go to the set. You’re on your own.

Phoebe: So you’re saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?

Joey: Who’s Carte Blanche? Is she hot?

Phoebe: No Joey she ugly as hell. Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?

Joey: Sure, just don’t make it all girly and stuff. I gotta go. See ya later. Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)

Phoebe: That’s against the rules Tribbiani!

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)

Ross (VO): She better not have left me here. Where is she? Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out. Wait a minute, I have to find Rach. (sees Rachel at a table. She’s fallen asleep) Rach, Rach, wake up!

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: You fell asleep.

Rachel: Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Does this look familiar? (holds up a bunch of binder paper)

Ross: What is that?

Rachel: It’s the letter I wrote you at the beach house. I can’t believe you kept it.

Ross (defensive): Where did you find that?

Rachel: I found it this morning while you were in the shower. I was trying to make some room in your desk. I can’t believe you kept it.

Ross: Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldn’t sleep. Can we go now?

Rachel: Very funny. Why are you acting all weird?

Ross: I’m not acting weird. I’m just ready to go.

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: What?

Rachel: What’s bothering you?

Ross: Nothing. Can we go?

Rachel: No. We can’t. Not until you tell me what’s bothering you?

Ross: Did you find anything else in that drawer?

Rachel: No. Just this.

Ross: Ok. Can we go?

Rachel: No.

Ross: Come on. I’m fine.

Rachel: Why are you turning all red?

Ross: I’m not turning all red.

Rachel: You look like you’re about to explode into Red Ross.

Ross: I just don’t like people digging around in my stuff that’s all.

Rachel: I didn’t mean to find it, I just did. And hey we’re married now, what’s yours is mine.

Ross: I don’t go reading your diary.

Rachel: I don’t have a diary for you to read. What’s the big deal? It’s not like someone else wrote it.

Ross: Then why did you take it out?

Rachel: Because I was touched that you kept it. Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.

Ross: You’re not gonna write another long letter again are you?

Rachel: Why don’t we just drop it then.

Ross: What is it?

Rachel: I wanna do it right here in the library.

Ross: You’re crazy. We’ll get caught.

Rachel: Follow me.

Ross: Oh baby…..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?

Rachel: Does it matter?

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set. He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)

Joey: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: What the hell took you so long honey?

Joey: I kept forgetting my lines. Wow, this apartment looks great.

Phoebe: Thanks.

Joey: Wait a minute! This is all the stuff from your apartment!

Phoebe: I know! Doesn’t it fit great!

Joey: You were supposed to buy new furniture.

Phoebe: I did. It’s at my place.

Joey: You were supposed to buy it for me!

Phoebe: No, you said I had carte blanche.

Joey: For Christ Sakes! Who is Carte Blanche?!

Phoebe: You told me I could do what I want!

Joey: Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!

Phoebe: Oh well. Wanna have sex?

Joey: No. I wanna see your apartment. (Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters) I wanna see it now Buffay!

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone. Monica is asleep in their bedroom)

Chandler: I don’t know Mom. (pause) I don’t know what to do. She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless. (pause) I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder. (pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom. (Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, she’s up, I gotta go. Ok, I’ll talk to you later.

Monica: Who was that?

Chandler: It was your mom.

Monica: Since when did you start calling my mother “mom”?

Chandler: It was her idea. How are you?

Monica: Tired.

Chandler: You’ve slept most the day. Are you sure you’re not sleeping too much?

Monica (snappy): I’m just tired.

Chandler: Hey, I’m just trying to help you!

Monica (breaking down in tears again): Don’t yell at me!

Chandler (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes): I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to help.

Monica: Are you crying?

Chandler: Yes.

Monica: You’re doing better than you think you are.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)

Rachel: Would you hurry up!

Ross: It won’t inflate! Maybe if you blow on it?

Rachel: This is not how this is supposed to happen!

Ross: Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!

(a Security Guard approaches)

Security Guard: What are you guys doing?

Rachel: He lost his contacts and we’re looking for them.

Security Guard: And that’s why your panties are on the floor?

Rachel: He was doing some diving and they fell out.

Security Guard (to Ross): Don’t you work here at the University?

Ross: Yeah.

Security Guard: What department?

Ross: Paleontology.

Security Guard: Ah, that explains it. Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well I’ll let you get back to your exploration. Oh, and make sure you use protection.

Ross: That was close.

Rachel: Not as close as I am. Hurry up!

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebe’s new furniture)

Joey: Man, you went all out. Look at how big that TV is! Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!

Phoebe: Not bad eh?

Joey: You know that I’m living here now.

Phoebe: No you’re not!

Joey: Yes I am.

Phoebe: Ah, no you’re not.

Joey: You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself. Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.

Phoebe: With the chick and the duck?

Joey: Are you crazy? No way, the chick and the duck come with me.

Phoebe: Fine, but we’re not having sex anymore.

Joey: I thought we already established that rule.

Phoebe: Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.

Joey: I don’t own any underwear.

Phoebe: You do now. I bought you some when I went shopping.

Joey: Boxers or briefs?

Phoebe: Boxers. We wouldn’t want to kill innocent swimmers.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)

Monica: This is nice.

Chandler: Huh?

Monica: This. This, the cuddling, it’s nice.

Chandler: Definitely.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys!

Chandler/Monica: Hey.

Monica: What are you doing here? It’s 9 o’clock.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.

Chandler: Why exactly?

Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine. So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joey’s.

Monica: He obviously forgot that he’s punishing us as well.

Phoebe: I see that your sense of humor is coming back. So how are you really doing?

Monica: Better thanks.

Chandler: Speaking of Joey, where is he?

Phoebe: I dunno. Why?

Chandler: Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.

(Ross and Rachel enter)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What’s up guys?

Chandler: Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.

Rachel (to Ross): How come we never do that?

Ross: Because you’re always telling me to get away from you.

Rachel: Whatever. How are you Mon?

Monica: Better. I’m definitely feeling better. Did you know Phoebe’s living across the hall at Joey’s for the next month?

Rachel: Really? Why?

Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.

Rachel: Sounds like Joey’s punishing Chandler and Monica too.

Phoebe: Geez, everyone’s a comedian around here.

(Joey enters with flowers)

Joey: Hey, sorry I’m late.

Phoebe: Joey, you shouldn’t have. (goes to take the flowers)

Joey: Don’t worry, I didn’t. (to Monica) These are for you.

Monica: Thanks Joey, that’s sweet of you.

Joey: Don’t thank me, thank Chandler.

Monica: You did this?

Chandler: Read the card.

Monica: “To Monica, I love you more than life itself. You’ll always be me baby. Love always, Chandler”. Oh sweetie, thank you so much. I love you.

Chandler: I love you too.

Joey: Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.

Ross: Good idea. Bye Guys.

Rachel: Lunch tomorrow Mon?

Monica: Sure.

Phoebe: Can I come?

Rachel: Of course. You’re buying.

Phoebe: Sticking it to the millionaire again.

Chandler: See you guys later.

(Everyone goes to leave)

Joey: Hey for anyone who’s interested, there’s a porn marathon going on at my place. Porn on a big screen TV, you can’t beat it.

Phoebe: I think we’ll let you beat it in private Joey.

CLOSING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)

Rachel: Have you seen my underwear?

Ross: Not since this afternoon.

Rachel: Oh my God, I’ve been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.

Ross: Sexy.

Rachel: And liberating. Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.

Ross: Good thing you weren’t wearing a skirt or a dress.

Rachel: That’s what makes it exciting. Imagine if I was?

Ross: The Lincoln Log just woke up.

Rachel: The wind blows and the log wakes up. Not that I’m complaining. Now what should I wear to bed?

Ross: Nothing.

Rachel: Again?

Ross: Again.

(Rachel jumps into bed)

Rachel: My, that’s definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.

Ross: And it’s ready to go into the flume.

THE END