Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)

Ross: So will you guys do it?

Monica: Of course we will.

Chandler: Ah, do I get a say in this at all?

Monica: As a matter of fact, you don’t.

Chandler: But it’s my apartment too!

Monica: So? I lived there first.

Chandler: But this is something that effects the both of us!

Monica: She’s a baby. She’ll hardly affect you at all.

Chandler: Please, all the changing and crying and feeding, she’ll disrupt my daily routine.

Monica: You better add playing with yourself to your routine then.

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll do it.

Monica (to Ross): See, you threaten to withhold sex, and he’ll do anything I ask him too.

Ross: Yes, I’ve learned that that’s a woman’s secret weapon. Want your man to do something, threaten to withhold whoopee and he’ll cave in five minutes.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed)

Rachel: Why are you being so quiet?

Ross: I’m just tired.

Rachel: What’s going on?

Ross: Nothing’s going on.

Rachel: Ok. Don’t tell me.

Ross: There’s nothing to tell Rach.

Rachel: Fine. Goodnight.

Ross: Wanna have sex?

Rachel: No.

Ross: But it’s the night before our first wedding anniversary.

Rachel: So?

Ross: Well don’t you think we should celebrate? We made it through our first year together.

Rachel: Don’t count your chickens just yet, the year isn’t here yet. Goodnight.

Ross: Fine, goodnight.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)

Monica: Could you get off me for a second?

Chandler: But you promised me sex tonight!

Monica: Well unless you want me to throw up in your mouth, I’d get off of me! (Monica gets out of bed and sprints to the bathroom)

Chandler: If that won’t kill the mood, I don’t know what will. (Chandler goes to Monica) Are you ok sweetie?

Monica: Do I look ok?

Chandler: Honestly, no. You look like hell. I guess we better call Ross and tell him that we can’t watch Caitlin this week.

Monica: No! I’ll be fine. I just shouldn’t have eaten that pepperoni pizza for dinner.

Chandler: Honey, you’ve got the flu or something. You’re gonna get the baby sick.

Monica: I don’t have the flu.

Chandler: You just threw up. How do you know you don’t have the flu?

Monica: Because I’m pregnant.

(Chandler faints and falls to the floor)

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are watching TV)

Joey: What the hell was that?

Phoebe: What was what?

Joey: That noise. You didn’t hear it?

Phoebe: I thought that was just you passing gas.

Joey: No, right after that. It sounded like a huge gorilla hit the floor at Monica and Chandler’s.

Phoebe: Monica must have just told Chandler that she’s pregnant. (Joey, who has stood up, now faints and crashes to the floor) What is it with these men? You mention the word pregnant and they act like they’ve just walked in on their parents having sex or something.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is trying to awaken Chandler)

Monica: Chandler? Chandler, are you ok? (pause) Chandler, wake up! (goes to get a glass of water) This outta do it. (throws the water on Chandler)

Chandler: What? What happened? Am I back in Kansas Toto?

Monica: You just fainted honey. Are you ok?

Chandler: Yeah, though I hit my head. I was standing here and all of the sudden my life flashed before my eyes. Funny thing, right before I crashed, I thought I heard you say that you were pregnant.

Monica: I am pregnant Chandler. (Chandler faints again) Ok, this is ridiculous.

(Phoebe and Joey enter)

Phoebe: You told him.

Monica: Twice and he fainted both times.

Phoebe: Yeah, Joey just fainted once.

Joey: I did not faint! I merely had a momentary lapse of consciousness!

Phoebe: I’m pregnant Joey. (Joey faints again) This is kinda fun! Should we just leave them there?

Monica: As much as I’d love too, no. Go get some water.

Phoebe: But I’m not thirsty.

Monica: It’s for them Phoebe!

Phoebe: But there out cold.

Monica: We’re gonna throw it on them to wake them up.

Phoebe: Oh. Wouldn’t be just as easy to pee on them?

Monica: Phoebe! That’s gross!

Phoebe: Fine, I’ll get the water. (pause) Here you go.

(Phoebe and Monica throw the water on Chandler and Joey)

Joey (coming to): Christ Phoebe, how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t like it when you pee on me!

Chandler: What? What happened? Am I in heaven?

Monica: You just fainted again sweetie.

Joey: What happened to me?

Phoebe: Not much. You just passed out.

Joey: You’re, you’re, you’re not…..

Phoebe: No, I‘m not.

Chandler (to Monica): But you, you, you’re….

Monica: Yes sweetie, I am.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Joey (to Phoebe): What? What is she? What’s going on?

Phoebe: Monica’s pregnant.

Joey: Oh yeah, I already knew that. It’s a good thing I’m still lying down though.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The next morning. Rachel is still sleeping. Chandler and Monica have come for Caitlin)

Monica: Have you told her yet?

Ross: No, she has no idea. The limo should be here in fifteen minutes.

Monica: Don’t you think you should wake her?

Ross: Not while you guys are still here.

Chandler: Oh, we have some news.

Ross: Really? What’s up?

Monica: I’m pregnant.

Ross: Wow! Congratulations guys!

Chandler: Look at that, he didn’t even faint.

Ross: You fainted?

Monica: Twice. Joey fainted too.

Ross: Why did Joey faint?

Monica: The second time….

Ross: He fainted twice?

Monica: Yeah, I don’t know why he fainted the first time, but he the second time he fainted because Phoebe told him that she was pregnant too.

(Rachel emerges from the bedroom)

Rachel: Hey guys. What’s all the jubilation about and where are you taking my baby?!

Ross: Monica’s pregnant Rach!

Rachel (with no reaction): And where is she taking my child?

Monica: We’re watching her while you and Ross are in Bermuda this week.

Rachel: I’m not going to Bermuda.

Ross: Yes you are honey. The limo will be here in fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Do you have sh%t in your ears? I said I‘m not going anywhere.

Chandler: Come on Rach, a week in the sun in a romantic place, you can’t beat it.

Rachel: Then you go. I’m staying here.

Ross: Go ahead Mon, I’ll take care of Rachel.

Monica: Have a good trip guys.

Rachel: I swear to God, if you leave with my child I’ll call the police so fast on your ass!

Ross: Go.

Chandler: But I really don’t want to go to jail again.

Ross: Go.

(Chandler and Monica leave)

Rachel: Where’s the phone?

Ross: You better go get dressed.

Rachel: We’re not going anywhere!

Ross: Am I gonna have to drag you to Bermuda?

Rachel: You bet your ass! You don’t go and plan a trip and not tell me!

Ross: But it was a surprise for our anniversary!

Rachel: It’s our anniversary?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: That’s, that’s today?

Ross: Yeah sweetie, it’s today.

Rachel: And Chandler and Monica are watching Caitlin for the week?

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: And we’re really going to Bermuda?

Ross: Yes sweetie. Our bags are packed and the limo’s gonna be here in ten minutes.

Rachel: And you didn‘t tell me anything about this?

Ross: No, but I’m sensing that I should have.

Rachel (after a long pause): Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you!

Ross (relieved): I love you too! (pause) You really aren’t a morning person are you?

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)

Joey: So are you excited that you’re gonna be a father?

Chandler: I’m absolutely terrified. I mean I knew it was a possibility that Mon could get pregnant if we had sex without birth control, but I figured it take a couple of months, not days.

Joey: When did you stop using birth control?

Chandler: Two weeks ago.

Joey: Wow that is fast.

Chandler: And now she’s pregnant. I know nothing about being a father. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Joey: Well you could always call your Dad. He knows.

Chandler: I’m not calling my Dad. He’s the last person I’d call. I don’t want my child to grow up to become a gay man in drag.

Joey: What about your mother?

Chandler: Not much better there either. The kid would turn into a trashy romance novelist who accidentally married a gay man. Any other suggestions?

Joey: Nope. (pause) Maybe you should talk to Phoebe?

Chandler: Phoebe’s Dad’s a deadbeat and her mother killed herself.

Joey: What’s your point? My wife is a wonderful person. A little weird, but wonderful nonetheless. (pause) I take it back, don’t talk to Phoebe.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: When do you go to the Doctor’s?

Monica: This afternoon.

Phoebe: Is Chandler going with you?

Monica: I haven’t seen Chandler since this morning. I mentioned it to him and all he said was "have fun".

Phoebe: So he’s already started acting weird about the whole thing.

Monica: Yeah. I hope he’s not like this for the whole pregnancy. I’m gonna need his support.

Phoebe: You want me to talk to him?

Monica: If you want. But I don’t know what you could say to him to make this any easier for him. Man, why did I have to marry a man who has screwed up parents?

Phoebe: Don’t feel bad, you could’ve married me. I really didn’t have any parents at all. My Dad’s a deadbeat and my mother killed herself. And then, twenty-nine years later I find out that my mother really wasn’t my mother after all.

Monica: How have you never been on Oprah?

Phoebe: Not for the lack of trying. They just didn’t believe me when I told them my story.

BERMUDA (Ross and Rachel are on the beach)

Rachel: I hope Caitlin’s ok.

Ross: She’s fine, she’s with my sister. Monica’s always wanted a baby and now she gets to play Mom for a week.

Rachel: But what if she lets Chandler watch her?

Ross: Then she’ll be screwed up for life.

Rachel: That’s not even funny.

Ross: Rach, you’ve got to relax. We’re here to have fun. You’re not gonna have fun if you keeping worrying about Caitlin. Come on, let’s go in the water.

Rachel: I think I’m gonna go call Monica.

Ross: No, you’re coming in the water with me.

Rachel: But…..

Ross: I promise, we’ll call Monica later to check in. Now let’s go in the water.

Rachel: What? Are you afraid to swim by yourself?

Ross: No, I just have something to show you.

Rachel: Well can’t you just show me here?

Ross: Not without getting arrested.

Rachel: Are you gonna give the fishies a show?

Ross: We’re gonna give the fishies a show.

Rachel: But what about all the people on the beach?

Ross: They can watch too if they want.

Rachel: I don’t want people to see me naked!

Ross: We’re gonna be in the water, they won’t be able to see anything. The only thing that might happen is that the fishies could bust out in laughter when they see us naked.

Rachel: Oh, well I have a fabulous body, the only thing the fishies will be laughing at is your incredibly small peepee!

Ross: I don’t have a small penis!

Rachel (laughing): Way to go Ross, now the entire beach thinks you have a small penis.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are present)

Joey: You know what I was thinking?

Chandler: I didn’t know you actually had thoughts.

Joey: Oh, I have thoughts. Deep thoughts.

Chandler: What were you thinking Joe?

Joey: That you should’ve used a condom.

Chandler: It took you a half-hour to come up with that gem?

Joey: Yeah that’s pretty fast huh?

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hello boys. Mama’s home.

Joey: Come to Papa!

Phoebe: Not now Joey. Go and see Monica.

Joey: I don’t want to. All she ever does is follow me with a broom and dustpan when I’m over there.

Phoebe: Well I have to talk to Chandler for a minute. Now leave or I’ll squeeze your balls so tight your eyeballs will pop out of your head.

Joey: Fifteen minutes long enough?

Phoebe: That’s great. Bye Joey.

(Joey leaves)

Chandler: Do you’re eyeballs really pop out?

Phoebe: Stand up and let’s see.

Chandler: I think I’ll stay seated.

Phoebe: Are you going with Monica to the Doctor’s?

Chandler: She sent you over here didn’t she?

Phoebe: No, she just mentioned that she was going to the Doctor’s and wasn’t sure if you were going or not.

Chandler: Well I’m not going. (Phoebe hits Joey in the head) Ow! What was that for?!

Phoebe: You need to re-think your answer. Are you going with Monica to the Doctor’s office?

Chandler: No! I already told you that! (Phoebe slaps Chandler in the face) What in the hell are you doing?!

Phoebe: It’s called Phoebe therapy.

Chandler: Well knock it off!

Phoebe: Are you gonna go with Monica?

Chandler: Are you gonna keep hitting me if I say no?

Phoebe: Bet your ass.

Chandler: Fine, I’ll go.

Phoebe: See, you’re cured. You’re not afraid of Monica’s pregnancy anymore.

Chandler: Maybe not, but you’re scaring the hell out of me.

BERMUDA – (Ross and Rachel are their room)

Ross (emerging from the bathroom): Are you ready to go yet?

Rachel: No. I have to call Monica.

Ross: I thought we agreed that you’d wait until after dinner.

Rachel: Well I’m changing that ruling. What’s Monica’s number?

Ross: I don’t know.

Rachel: What do you mean Ross (emerging from the bathroom): Are you ready to go yet?

Rachel: No. I have to call Monica.

Ross: I thought we agreed that you’d wait until after dinner.

Rachel: Well I’m changing that ruling. What’s Monica’s number?

Ross: I don’t know.

Rachel: What do you mean you don’t know?

Ross: Just that, I don’t know. She’s on our speed dial. Why don’t you remember? You lived there after all.

Rachel: Well did I ever call myself when I lived there Mr. Small Penis?

Ross: Ok, if you continue to insult my equipment, I’m not gonna let you play with it anymore.

Rachel: There’s not much to play with so I guess I won’t be missing much.

Ross: That does it! I’m not sleeping with you for the rest of the vacation!

Rachel: Oh honey, I’m only teasing. You know I love it when you slip your male in my mail slot. Come on, what’s Monica’s number?

Ross: I really don’t know.

Rachel: How are we supposed to check in our child if we don’t know the babysitter’s phone number?

Ross: Good point. Just call information.

Rachel: Wait, maybe they have a phone book or something.

Ross: There’s a bright idea. A Bermudian phone book would have New York City phone numbers in it.

Rachel: Oh, you’re right. Sorry I had a Joey moment. I’ll just call information.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Caitlin are present)

Joey: Where’s Chandler and Monica?

Phoebe: They went to the Doctor’s. Why do you think we have the baby with us?

Joey: Good point. Wait a minute, Chandler went with Monica? What’d you do? Threaten to cut off his manhood?

Phoebe: No, I just used Phoebe therapy on him.

Joey: Poor bastard, he probably didn’t know what hit him.

BERMUDA – (Rachel is calling Monica)

Rachel: Damn, I got the machine again.

Ross: They’re probably out for a walk or something. Let’s go eat and you can call when we get back.

Rachel: Hold on. Hey Monica, it’s Rachel and Ross. We’re just checking in and hoping everything’s going ok with Caitlin. Give us a call. Our number here at the hotel is 441-555-3029, room 312. Talk to you later.

Ross: Ok, that was the exact message you left on their machine ten minutes ago.

Rachel: I just wanna be sure that they got our message.

Ross: Can we go now?

Rachel: Maybe I should call Phoebe. Maybe she knows where they’re at.

Ross: Let’s go Rach. I’m hungry and the buffet’s closing in ten minutes.

Rachel: Aren’t you the least bit concerned that Chandler and Monica could’ve forgotten that they are watching our child?

Ross: Actually, no. They’re both responsible adults.

Rachel: You’re telling me that you think Chandler’s a responsible adult?

Ross: Ok, maybe Chandler isn’t, but Monica is. Now let’s go.

Rachel: You’re probably right. Let’s go eat.

Ross: Thank you. (Ross leaves the room)

Rachel: I just have to put on my shoes and I’ll be right down. Go get us a table. (Rachel rushes over to the phone and dials Monica’s number again)

DOCTOR’S OFFICE (Monica and Chandler are in the room waiting for the Doctor)

Monica: Thanks for coming honey.

Chandler: Don’t thank me, thank Phoebe. She nearly beat the crap out of me.

Monica: Well that’s not very hard to do.

Chandler: I’ll see you later.

Monica: Honey, I’m kidding. If you weren’t a man we wouldn’t be here today.

Chandler: Well you could’ve been sleeping with the mailman.

Monica: The mailman’s gay.

Chandler: I forgot about that.

(The Doctor enters)

Doctor: Hello, you must be Chandler and Monica Bing. I’m Doctor Chelsea Kaczmarek.

Chandler: That’s us.

Monica: Um, excuse me, but where’s Dr. Newer?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Dr. Newer’s on sabbatical. She took a year’s leave. Apparently she met some woman that she fell head over heels in love with.

Chandler: Woman?

Dr. Kaczmarek: Yes, Dr. Newer’s a lesbian.

Chandler: No wonder why Ross was afraid of Dr. Newer.

Dr. Kaczmarek: Excuse me?

Chandler: Nothing. So do you know the woman she ran off with?

Dr. Kaczmarek: I think her name was Susan Bunch.

Monica: Oh my God! We totally know her!

Dr. Kaczmarek: Really?

Monica: Susan’s my brother’s ex-wife ex-lesbian partner. Good for her, Dr. Newer’s a fine catch.

Dr. Kaczmarek: I should say so. They went to live in Bermuda for a year. Well let’s do you sonogram.

Chandler: Is there where you stick that thing up her, well you know, her vagina.

Dr. Kaczmarek: No, this is where we take a picture of the fetus through Monica’s bellGood for her, Dr. Newer’s a fine catch.

Dr. Kaczmarek: I should say so. They went to live in Bermuda for a year. Well let’s do you sonogram.

Chandler: Is there where you stick that thing up her, well you know, her vagina.

Dr. Kaczmarek: No, this is where we take a picture of the fetus through Monica’s belly.

Chandler: I totally knew that. I was just checking to see if you knew what you were doing.

Monica (to Chandler): I knew I should’ve left you at home.

BERMUDA (Rachel is still trying to get through to Monica)

Rachel: Pick up the damn phone!

(Ross enters)

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: Hey honey. I’m almost ready.

Ross: Don’t worry about it, I ate by myself.

Rachel: You didn’t bring me anything back?

Ross: What do you think?

Rachel: They’re still not home. I’ve been calling every two minutes for the past ten minutes, and no one’s home. Something happened. Something happened to Caitlin.

Ross: One, I’ve been gone an hour and two, nothing’s wrong with Caitlin. They know how to get a hold of us. Now hang up the damn phone and take a walk with me on the beach.

Rachel: I just have to get through.

Ross: Rachel! Relax, everything’s fine. Let’s go for a walk and I guarantee you that there will be a call from Monica when we get back to the room.

Rachel: And what if there’s no call?

Ross: Then we’ll hop on the next flight to New York.

Rachel: Don’t you think that’s a little drastic?

Ross: I can’t win with you! Do you wanna just cut the vacation short?

Rachel: No, I love being here with you.

Ross: Then let’s go for a walk on the god damn beach!

Rachel: I’m overreacting again aren’t I?

Ross: Just a little. Look sweetie, I know it’s hard to be away from your child. I went through that with Ben. But I’ll tell you this, Caitlin won’t hold it against us. She won’t remember that we went to Bermuda and left her with a neat freak and a closeted gay man.

Rachel: I’m totally sorry. I promise I won’t freak out anymore.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler should be back any minute now.

Joey: Wanna have sex?

Phoebe: No.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: Because we don’t live here.

Joey: We could go to our place.

Phoebe: We’re watching the baby. We can’t just go have sex.

Joey: We could put the baby in the guest room. Interested?

Phoebe: You know for being a stupid man, you sometimes have some great ideas. Of course, all of your great ideas surround sex, but hey, you’ve got to be good at something.

(Chandler and Monica enter)

Chandler: Hey guys.

Phoebe: The baby’s in the guest room sleeping. Joey and I have to go.

Monica: Time for sex?

Joey: Yeah baby!

(Joey and Phoebe leave)

Chandler: Did you check the messages?

Monica: Did you just see me walk in here with you?

Chandler: Sorry. I’ll do it. (Chandler hits the button on the machine)

Answering Machine: You have 53 new messages.

Monica: Did that thing just say we have 53 new messages?

Chandler: I think so.

Machine: Message #1 - Hey Monica, it’s Rachel and Ross. We’re just checking in and hoping everything’s going ok with Caitlin. Give us a call. Our number here at the hotel is 441-555-3029, room 312. Talk to you later.

Monica: Rachel’s probably just checking in.

Machine: Message #53: Hi Monica. It’s Rachel again. Give us a call. Talk to you soon.

Chandler: Do you realize that every single one of those messages was from Rachel?

Monica: She’s just freaking out. She must have thought something was wrong since we weren’t home. I’ll call her right now.

Chandler: You’re not gonna do that when our baby comes are you?

Monica: No. I might be a little wacky, but not obsessive.

Chandler: Oops, I spilled milk on the floor.

Monica: Chandler! Clean that up immediately!

Chandler: Yeah, you’re not obsessive at all.

BERMUDA – (Ross and Rachel have returned from their walk. They stop by the reception desk to check for messages)

Rachel: Hi. Are there any messages for Ross or Rachel Geller?

Receptionist: Yes. A Mrs. Monica Bing called. Here’s the message.

Ross: I told you everything’s ok.

Rachel (reading the message): Hi Rachel. Caitlin’s doing great and Chandler is getting a lot of practice being a Dad. See you on Saturday. Monica. (to Ross) I guess you were right. There’s nothing to worry about.

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I love the fact that you care so much to call fifty-three times to check on Monica.

Rachel: How do you know I called that many times?

Ross: ‘Cause they just handed me our phone bill.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Joey are present)

Chandler: So when are you and Phoebe gonna start having children?

Joey: Dude, my marriage is a sham, you know that.

Chandler: Are you have unprotected sex?

Joey: Hello no, I always wear a raincoat.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys. Can I talk to you for a minute Joey?

Joey (standing up): Sure. What’s up?

Phoebe: I’m pregnant.

(Joey faints and falls to the floor)

Phoebe (to Chandler): This is so much fun!

Chandler: You’re not really pregnant?

Phoebe: Hell no, our marriage is a sham. But I got him to faint in public this time.