CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is present)

Monica: I can’t believe I’m gonna be an aunt again.

Ross: It‘s pretty amazing isn’t it?

Chandler: What’s amazing?

Monica: That at any time now, Rachel’s going to go into labor and finally have her baby girl.

Joey: Yeah, I can’t wait to be an uncle again.

Ross: What are you talking about Joey? You’re not gonna be an uncle again. You’re not related to us.

Joey: Oh yeah? Then why does Ben call me Uncle Joey?

Phoebe: As a term of endearment Joey. You’re not really his uncle, just like how I am not really his aunt.

Joey: What?! I am too his uncle. His godfather has to be his uncle.

Chandler: Joey, you aren’t his godfather either. I am.

Joey: Is there anything else I should know? Is Carol not really his mother either?!

Rachel: Joey, you were present when she gave birth to Ben, of course she’s his mother.

Joey: This can’t be true. I’ve been living a lie for the past eight years! All of the sudden I find out I’m not Ben’s uncle and I’m not even his godfather! This isn’t fair! I wanna be an uncle!

Rachel: Joey, would it make you feel any better if I told you that Ross and I want you to be Alexa’s godfather?

Joey: No! I’m still not her uncle. (long pause as the others stare at him) You want me to be Alexa’s godfather?

Ross: Yeah Joe, we do.

Joey: She can call me Godfather Joey?

Rachel: Whatever floats your boat honey.

Joey: Cool. What was I going on and on about again?

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: Did you know that our first anniversary is coming up?

Monica: Yeah. You actually think I’d forget something like that?

Phoebe: Chandler did until I reminded him on the way over here.

Chandler: Phoebe!

Monica (mad): What’s the matter with you? How could you forget our anniversary?

Chandler: It’s not even here yet! How could I forget? Technically you don’t forget until the day of or the day after an important day. So there!

Phoebe (to Monica): He’s got you there.

Monica: Ok then, what day is our anniversary? Don’t you dare tell him Phoebe!

Phoebe: Sorry Chandler, you’re on your own.

Chandler: It’s, ah….

Monica: See, you don’t even know!

Chandler: I got it! It’s May 12^th.

Monica: You are so lucky! Who told you?

Chandler: No one! How could I forget that day? It was the biggest day of my life so far.

Monica: Oh, that’s so sweet. I love you.

Chandler: Of course December 4^th is an important day too.

Phoebe: Why’s that?

Chandler: It was the day I lost my virginity to Dawn Garber. Now that was a special day. (noticing Monica’s is glaring at him) But not nearly as important as the day I got married to my beautiful wife Monica.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey.

Monica: What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with Rachel? She could pop any minute now.

Ross: She sent me to get her some steamed milk.

Chandler: It was your suggestion wasn’t it?

Ross: Heck yeah, she’s driving me crazy. She’s too big to do anything for herself. I actually had to give her a bath this morning. Do you know how sickening it is to give a pregnant women a bath? I mean her tummy is hard, her boobs are enormous and extremely sensitive, and the gas, my God the gas is even worse than Joey’s after he eats chili. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make love to her again.

Chandler: She’s farting in the tub? What’s she doing, making it a Jacuzzi?

Ross: I wish. She just lets them rip like she’s a guy or something.

Monica: Well it’s almost over Ross.

Phoebe: Yeah Ross, you’re making it sound like it’s worse than it really is.

Ross: Am I? How would you know?

Phoebe: I’ve been pregnant. I know what Rachel’s going through. She’s lucky to have you standing by her. Heck, you guys left me when I was eight months pregnant to go to London. I didn’t have anyone.

Monica: You said that you didn’t mind us leaving you. And hey, it’s not our fault Rachel abandoned you. She’s the one you should be mad at.

Phoebe: Don’t worry, Rachel will get what’s coming to her.

Ross: Don’t do anything to my wife Phoebe.

Phoebe: Too late.

Ross: What did you do?

Phoebe: Let’s just say that Rachel is going to run a marathon.

Monica: What in the heck does that mean?

Phoebe: I put a spell on Rachel when she left me that day in the apartment.

Chandler: What kinda spell?

Phoebe: A spell where if Rachel ever got pregnant, her labor would last so long that if would seem as if she was running a marathon. She’s in for a very long labor.

Ross: How could you do something like that? Rachel loves you.

Phoebe: Do you want me to get into the spell I put on you? You’re the reason she left me by myself in the first place. She had to be in love with you. Sure, I told her that you were in love with Emily, but no, she had to go off to London to admit her true feelings for you.

Monica: You put a spell on Ross?

Ross: This is ridiculous. I’m leaving.

Chandler: Ross, you didn’t get the steamed milk.

Ross: Damn it!

(Ross goes to the counter)

Chandler: So what’s this spell Phoebe? Is his thing gonna turn green or something?

Phoebe: Even better. As soon as Ross gets Rachel to the hospital, he’ll keep forgetting why they’re there.

Monica: That’s not so bad.

Phoebe: But it’ll irritate the hell out of Rachel.

(Ross returns)

Ross: See you guys later. (Ross’s cell phone goes off) Hello? (pause) Rachel? (pause) Your water broke? (pause) I’ll be right there. (to the others) Rachel’s water broke! Rachel‘s water broke! We have to get to the hospital!

Monica (excited): Well don’t just stand there you idiot! Go get Rachel and go to the hospital! We’re right behind you!

(Ross rushes out)

Chandler: Where’s Joey?

Phoebe: He’s down at the set. We’ll call him from the cab.

Monica: They’re having a baby! They’re having a baby!

Chandler: You didn’t put a spell on her did you?

Phoebe: No, she’s just naturally annoying.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is waiting patiently for Ross)

Rachel (VO): This isn’t so bad. My water broke. I feel fine. There’s no pain. (she has a small contraction) In God’s name, what the hell was that? Where in the hell is Ross?!

(Ross rushes into the apartment)

Ross: Are you ready?

Rachel: No, I’m just standing here with my suitcases for the fun of it.

Ross: Why do you have more than one suitcase? You’re going to the hospital, not on vacation.

Rachel: One has clothes in it and the other has my toiletries. Why are you staring at me like that? I just wanna look good when I come home.

Ross: Whatever. I’ve got a cab waiting for us downstairs.

Rachel: We’re taking a cab?

Ross: Sorry honey, I didn’t have time to line up a limo on such short notice.

PHOEBE’S CAB (Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are going to the hospital)

Chandler (to Monica): Have you ever been in Phoebe’s cab before?

Monica: Once, when we ran out of gas on the way to Rachel’s sister’s cabin. What are the pillows for again? (Phoebe slams on the brakes and Chandler and Monica lunge forward, crashing into the glass) Never mind.

Phoebe: Watch where you’re going you bastard!

Chandler: Ah Pheebs, it’s a red light. He has the right-of-way, you don‘t.

Phoebe: Oh. I’d apologize to him but he’s going out of our way.

Monica: I really don’t think he heard you anyway Pheebs.

Chandler: We have to call Joey and let him know that the baby‘s on its way.

Phoebe: We could wait until we get to the hospital. It’s not like Rachel’s going to be having the baby any time soon.

Monica: Let’s call him. Give me your cell phone Chandler.

Chandler: I’m not giving you the phone! It’s my phone and Joey’s my friend. I’m calling him.

Monica: Give me the phone now!

Phoebe: Am I gonna have to stop this car and separate you two?! You don’t want me to come back there!

Chandler: I’m calling Joey!

Monica: No you‘re not! I called it first!

Chandler: We’re not 11! What are you gonna do?! Sit on me?!

Monica: What did I say about making fat jokes gay boy?!

(Phoebe slams on the brakes again. The phone flies into the front seat)

Phoebe: Enough! I’m calling Joey!

Chandler: Give me the phone Phoebe!

Phoebe: Too late, I’ve already dialed.

Chandler (to Monica): She’s dialing, she’s using my phone!

Monica: I wanted to call Joey!

Phoebe: Joey? (pause) Hi Joey, it’s me. Could you hold on a minute? (to Chandler and Monica who are bickering in the back) You two knock it off before I give you something to cry about! (to Joey) Sorry honey, the kids were acting up again. (pause) I know we don’t have kids Joey. (pause) I realize that. (pause) But I was just referring to Chandler and Monica. (pause) Yes, I realize that they’re grown adults. (pause) Joey? Joey? Shut up for a minute Joey! (pause) You need to get to the hospital, Rachel’s having her baby. (pause) Yes, right now. (pause) No, I don’t think they can make Rachel hold it in until you get there. (pause) I don’t know if you can leave the set, you’ll have to ask to be excused. (pause) You’re a man Joey, figure it out for yourself. (pause) Love you too. (to Chandler and Monica) Now no more peeps out of either of you or I won’t buy you ice cream at the hospital.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Ross and Rachel have arrived)

Rachel: Get me a wheelchair.

Ross: Why?

Rachel: Because I’m in labor and I don’t want the baby to shoot out onto the floor!

Ross: You’re having a baby?

Rachel: No, I’ve been harvesting a watermelon in my uterus for fun of it for the past nine months!

Ross (gets the wheelchair): Here you go. Let’s get you checked in. (goes to the front desk) Hi. My wife and I are here to check in.

Receptionist: Check in for what?

Ross (to Rachel): Check in for what?

Rachel: I‘m having a baby you idiot!

Ross: She’s having a baby.

Receptionist: I heard her. I think the entire maternity ward heard her. Here, fill these out and we’ll bring your wife to her room.

Ross (to Rachel): They‘re gonna put you in your room. Do you want me to call your family?

Rachel: Could you?

Ross: Sure. What should I tell them?

Rachel: What do you mean “what should I tell them”? I’m having a baby!

Ross: Right. I’ll be in in a few minutes.

(cut to Rachel and the nurse)

Nurse: Is your husband ok?

Rachel: I just think he’s freaking out.

Nurse: I hope so, ‘cause when you lose your memory like that you normally have a brain tumor or something.

(Ross goes over to the phone and calls his parents)

Ross: Mom? (pause) Yeah, it’s Ross. (pause) I’m fine. How are you? (pause) Really? Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun? (pause) Aren’t you gonna take him to the hospital? (pause) Oh, that’s where you were getting ready to go to when the phone rang. You should take him to Mt. Sinai. (pause) Because Rachel and I are here. (pause) I don’t know why we’re here, but Rachel seems to be in a lot of discomfort. (pause) Yeah, now that you mention it, I think she’s having our baby. (pause) Ok, we’ll see you when you get here.

(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe arrive)

Monica: Did you call Mom and Dad?

Ross: Yeah, they’re on their way here. Dad shot himself in the knee with a nail gun. Apparently the nail is imbedded in his fibula.

Chandler: How’d he do that?

Ross: I dunno. Mom didn’t say.

Phoebe: So why are you here again Ross?

Ross: I dunno. All I know is that Rachel’s in with the doctor. She said something about her water breaking, whatever that means.

Phoebe (to Chandler & Monica): See I told you the spell would work. He’s now dumber than Joey.

Chandler: Now that’s one thing I thought would be impossible to accomplish.

(cut to an hour later - Ross in is with Rachel)

Ross: How are you doing there honey?

Rachel: I’m alright. The doctor says that I’m at 3 centimeters.

Ross: What’s that mean?

Rachel: That I’ve got seven centimeters to go before I can have our baby.

Ross: Is that why we’re here? I’ve been trying to figure that out for the last hour.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Nothing. I just forgot why we’re here. I won’t forget again, I promise.

Rachel: Maybe you should go down to Neurology and have them examine your brain. You keep asking me why we’re here. If you do it again, I’m gonna reach down your throat and pull out your heart.

(cut to the waiting room)

Phoebe: Well, one hour down and seventeen to go.

Monica: Rachel’s curse last eighteen hours? That’s one mean curse.

Phoebe: Yeah, you should wait until you get pregnant, your labor will go on for days.

Monica: That’s not gonna happen because I’m having a C-Section.

Phoebe: That’s what you think.

Chandler: Shouldn’t Joey be here by now?

Monica: Maybe he went to the wrong hospital.

(The Greens arrive, including Jill and Laura. A half hour has passed)

Mrs. Green: Where’s Rachel? Did she have the baby yet?

Phoebe: No, she’s got sixteen and half hours of labor to go.

Dr. Green: Who’s in there with her?

Monica: Ross.

Dr. Green: Where’s the Doctor?

Chandler: Duh, Ross is in there. He is Dr. Geller after all.

Dr. Green: Leave the stupid jokes to a comedian Chandler. Now where is the Doctor?

Monica: She’s been in and out of Rachel’s room for the past hour and a half. Last we heard, Rachel was at 3 centimeters.

Jill: I told you we didn’t have to rush here.

Laura: You’re just mad because you had to cancel your date with Sergio.

Jill: I’m not mad about that. I don’t even like Sergio. I was right in the middle of doing something when Mom called.

Laura: What were you doing?

Jill: Let’s just say that I was doing something that 90% of the population does and the other 10% lie and say they don’t.

Mrs. Green: You were, you were mastur…you were….

Jill: Yeah Mom, I was getting it on with the toy that you gave me for my birthday.

Laura: That’s gross! Get yourself a man for Pete’s sake!

Dr. Green: Knock it off you two. This is a hospital, not a bordello. Monica, can we see Rachel?

Monica: I don’t know. Ross has come out yet to say whether she wants to see all of us or not.

(Ross emerges)

Ross: Hey! Rachel’s doing fine. She said she’ll see a couple of you at a time. She wants to see her parents first.

Dr. Green: Lead the way son.

Ross: Did you just call me son?

Dr. Green: I guess I did. Now lead the way Dr. Wethead.

(Rachel’s room)

Mrs. Green: Oh sweetie, you look so beautiful.

Rachel: Have you been taking the drugs that are meant for me again Mom?

Dr. Green: Are they treating you ok honey?

Rachel: Yeah Dad. I’m comfortable, Dr. Newer is the best and Ross has been so supportive.

Ross: That’s right sweetie. I’m here for you. We’ll get through this hernia operation just fine.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I said we’ll get through this hernia operation just fine.

Dr. Green: What’s the matter with you? She’s having a baby for Christ’s sake!

Rachel: Ross, go get Monica.

Ross: Ok. Do you want me to do anything else?

Rachel: Yeah, stay away from me until after the baby is born! I can’t believe you keep forgetting that I’m having our baby!

Ross (unfazed by Rachel‘s comment): Ok, I’ll go get Monica. I love you Rach.

(Ross leaves)

Mrs. Green: What’s with Ross Rachel?

Rachel: I don’t know Mom. He just keeps forgetting why we’re here. He’s driving me crazy.

Dr. Green: Maybe I should talk to him.

Mrs. Green: That would be nice Leonard. I guess I was wrong, there is an unselfish part of you.

(cut to the waiting room)

Ross: Monica?

Monica: What’s up?

Ross: Rachel wants to see you.

Monica: Ok. Let’s go.

Ross: She doesn’t want to see me.

Monica: Why not?

Ross: She’s mad at me. I can’t seem to remember why we’re here. I thought we were here for her hernia operation, but I was wrong. Now I can’t see her until after the baby is born. Did you know that she’s pregnant?

Monica: I’ll go in in a minute. Phoebe, can I talk to you in private for a moment?

Phoebe (knowing what she wants): No, you can’t. I busy waiting for my husband to arrive.

Monica: Now Phoebe!

Phoebe (to Chandler): Now I understand why you’re not much of a man. She really is a domineering bitch.

(Phoebe goes over to Monica)

Jill (to Chandler): What’s that all about?

Chandler: How am I supposed to know? I don’t have a vagina.

Laura: But aren’t you gay?

Chandler: I am not gay! I’m married to Monica! See, here’s my wedding ring!

Laura: I see you can’t take a joke.

(cut to Phoebe and Monica)

Monica: You’ve got to break Ross’s spell.

Phoebe: I can’t do that.

Monica: You have to! Rachel doesn’t want him to be present when the baby’s born thanks to you and your stupid spell!

Phoebe: Hey, for your information, I didn’t think it would work.

Monica: Well it did and now Rachel’s banned him from the room!

Phoebe: Ok, I’ll try to reverse it but I’m gonna need some help.

Monica: What do you need?

Phoebe: Well I have almost everything I need in my purse.

Monica: In your purse?

Phoebe: Sure, I carry everything in there.

Monica: What do you need?

Phoebe: The most important part, I need the semen of a righteous man.

Monica: I’ll get Chandler.

Phoebe: No, it has to be a man.

Monica: Well Chandler is the closest thing to a man around here at the moment.

(cut to Rachel’s room - The Greens are leaving to go back to the waiting room)

Mrs. Green: We’ll be in to check on you later honey. Remember, if the pain gets to be unbearable, that’s what the drugs are for.

Rachel: Thanks Mom.

Dr. Green: Is Dr. Newer’s first name Maureen?

Rachel: Yeah Dad, I think it is.

Dr. Green: Well we have to get you a new doctor then.

Rachel: Why?

Dr. Green: Dr. Newer’s a lesbian.

Rachel: So?

Dr. Green: So, no lesbian is bringing my granddaughter into this world.

Mrs. Green: Leonard, that’s not nice.

Dr. Green: We can’t have a lesbian deliver our granddaughter.

Rachel: Dad, I love you, but if you say one more bad thing about Dr. Newer, you’ll never see your granddaughter.

Dr. Green: Are you talking back to me young lady?

Rachel: Yes I am. Dr. Newer is an excellent doctor and I don’t care that she’s a lesbian. I, unlike you, have an open mind. Dr. Newer is delivering this baby whether you like it or not. Now please leave and get Monica in here!

(Dr. Green leaves)

Mrs. Green: I’m impressed Rachel, standing up to your father like that. You’ve come a long way since you’ve moved to City. I’m really proud of you.

Rachel: Thanks Mom. Now get the heck out of here.

(cut to the waiting room - Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are together in a corner)

Chandler: I don’t care, I’m not contributing to a cup.

Monica: Come on Chandler, he’s your brother-in-law, he’d do it for you.

Chandler: He would not! I am not doing it.

Phoebe: I told you he wasn’t a man.

Chandler: That has nothing to do with it Phoebe. There’s got to be a better reason then to just help someone break a spell.

Monica: How does no sex for a month sit with you? I guarantee you’ll be doing that by yourself for the next month if you don’t do this for Ross’s sake now.

Chandler: You’re bribing me?

Monica: Yes. And I’m not kidding around either. Will you contribute or not?

Chandler: Fine, give me the cup.

(Joey arrives)

Joey: Hey guys. What’s up? How’s Rachel?

Phoebe: Rachel’s fine. She’s still in the early stages.

Joey (Chandler): Why do you have a pee cup? Are they doing random drug testing?

Monica: Chandler’s helping Phoebe break her spell on Ross.

Joey: Ah yes, the semen of a righteous man thing.

Chandler: You know about this?

Joey: Yeah, Phoebe told me about the spell she put on Ross a couple of days ago. That’s a good thing you’re doing there man, Ross is lucky to have a friend like you.

Chandler: Here, why don’t you do it?

Joey: Because I only have sex with women, not cups.

(the Gellers arrive. Mr. Geller is in a wheelchair)

Monica: Mom, Dad. It’s great to see you.

Mrs. Geller: You know, it should be you that’s having a baby. You’ve been married to Chandler longer than Ross and Rachel have been married.

Monica: It’s good to see you to Mom. How you doing Dad?

Mr. Geller: Morphine is a wonderful thing. I can’t feel my leg.

Joey: What happened?

Mr. Geller: I was fixing the porch swing and when I leaned over to pick up a nail, the nail gun went off and imbedded itself in my leg. Check out this X-ray.

(Mr. Geller holds up his X-Ray which shows a nail imbedded in his fibula)

Joey: Wow! That’s really cool!

Mrs. Geller: Yes, Jack is very proud of making an ass out of himself. He definitely pulled a Monica.

Monica: Mom!

Mrs. Geller: Yes dear?

Monica: You promised you wouldn’t use that term anymore!

Joey: Where’s Ross?

Jill: He’s down the hallway talking with my father.

(cut to down the hallway)

Dr. Green: Are you alright Ross?

Ross: I’m fine Dr. Green.

Dr. Green: Do you know why you’re here?

Ross: Sure, Rachel’s getting a boob job.

Dr. Green: What’s the matter with you you idiot? She’s having a baby, not getting a boob job! Have you been smoking dope or something?

Ross: No sir. I just keep having memory lapses. I don’t know why either. It’s one of the most important days in our life together, and I keep forgetting why.

(cut to Phoebe and Monica)

Phoebe: What’s taking him so long?

Monica: I knew I should’ve gone in there with him. When he’s by himself he lasts all day. I’m there, boom, it’s over before it even started.

(Chandler emerges from the bathroom)

Chandler: Here.

Phoebe: Thanks Chandler. Ok Mon, the spell will be broken in five minutes. I just have to mix everything together.

Monica: Yeah, you go do that by yourself, that’s one thing I don’t want to see.

(cut to down the hallway to Ross and Dr. Green - five minutes later)

Dr. Green: Look Ross, you’ve got to pull yourself together.

Ross: I know, Rachel’s having our baby. It’s been great talking with you but I have to get to Rachel. (Ross goes to leave) Wait a minute! I remembered why I’m here! Rachel’s having our baby!

Dr. Green: I guess my little pep talk worked.

Ross: Whatever it was, it’s gone. (hugging Dr. Green) Thanks Dr. Green. (Ross starts to walk away)

Dr. Green: Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Dr. Green: Don’t ever hug me again in public.

Ross: Right.

CLOSING CREDITS

RACHEL’S ROOM (Two hours later. Rachel is growing impatient. Ross enters)

Rachel: What did I tell you about coming in here?

Ross: What? The father can’t see his little baby girl be born?

Rachel: You remember!

Ross: Yeah. How’s it going?

Rachel: This is taking forever. I think somebody put a curse on me or something.

Ross: I’ll be right back.

Rachel: Where’re you going?

Ross: To see if we can speed this process up.

Rachel: Dr. Newer said they’ve done everything they can.

Ross: No, I’m going to see Phoebe.

(Ross leaves)

Rachel: Yeah, like Phoebe has anything to do with me being in labor.

TO BE CONTINUED