THE ONE WHERE RACHEL COMFORTS MONICA

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast. Rachel is also reading a magazine)

Ross: So are you ready to tell everyone?

Rachel: Tell ‘em what?

Ross: That you’re pregnant.

Rachel: No.

Ross: Can I tell them?

Rachel: No.

Ross: So I have to be quiet?

Rachel: No.

Ross: I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Rachel: No.

Ross: Are you even listening to me?

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: Are you listening to me?

Rachel: Not really.

Ross: So I can tell them?

Rachel: Tell ‘em what?

Ross: That you’re a sex addict.

Rachel: Sure that’s fine. Now leave me alone.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel are present)

Phoebe: Guess what?

Joey: The silicone in your chest is leaking.

Phoebe: No. I have a date tonight!

Chandler: That’s great Pheebs. Thank God I’m not in the dating pool anymore, I really hated it.

Monica: You should consider getting out of the gene pool too.

Ross: Ain’t that the truth.

Chandler: Well, well….ok, I don’t have a comeback for that. Man, marriage is ruining my sense of humor.

Monica: Huh, that’s funny, it’s really strengthened mine.

Joey: So who’s the lucky guy Phoebe?

Phoebe: His name is Norm, he works for the parks department.

Joey: I’d run for the hills. What kinda name is Norm?

Chandler: In City Slickers it was the name of the calf that Billy Crystal’s character brought home.

Ross: What does he do for the parks department Pheebs?

Phoebe: He picks up garbage.

Joey: Score!

Monica: Come on leave Phoebe alone, at least she’s dating Joey. How’d you meet him?

Phoebe: I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich and feeding the squirrels when the wind picked up and blew my sandwich wrapper away. I went to pick it up and there was Norm. We just clicked right away. He told me that I was pretty and wanted to take me to dinner. Needless to say, I said yes.

Ross: I bet if you play your cards right, he’ll clean your apartment too.

Phoebe: Make fun all you want. I, unlike you guys, don’t judge people by what they do. I like Norm and I’m gonna go out with him.

(Rachel enters)

Chandler: Hey it’s the sex addict.

Ross: Hey sweetie.

Rachel: Hey Joey.

Ross: Ah, I said hey sweetie.

Rachel: Oh sorry, I thought it was my lover on the side who was greeting me.

Joey: We still on for later Rach?

Rachel: You betcha lover.

Ross: What the hell is going on here?

Rachel: Would you relax, Joey’s going with me to pick out your birthday present.

Ross: Oh.

Chandler: How come I wasn’t invited?

Phoebe: Because you’re not a man.

Chandler: Oh. (pause) Hey did anyone see that ice-skating special last night?

Monica: And you wonder why you’re not invited. Well I have to go, it’s my first day back at work.

Chandler: Good luck honey.

Rachel: Bye Mon.

Ross: Monica, don’t forget to call Dad later.

Monica: About what?

Ross: I don’t know. He just said to call him. What am I, your message keeper?

Phoebe: Maybe, ‘cause your definitely not a man.

Rachel: Wrong Pheebs, he’s more man than you’ll ever experience.

Phoebe: Have you ever slept with Joey?

Rachel: Thankfully no.

Phoebe: Then you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Monica: On that note, I’m leaving. (Monica leaves)

Ross (to Rachel): So are you ready to tell them?

Rachel: Yeah, I guess. Guys, I’m….

Ross: Rachel’s pregnant!

Rachel: You’re a bastard Ross.

Ross: Sorry, I got excited.

Phoebe: From the look of your pants I’d say so. (camera shows a wet spot in Ross’ crotch area)

Chandler: Sorry about that Ross. Why’d you wait until Monica was gone to tell us?

Rachel: I figured it would be best if I told Mon one on one. (Joey starts laughing) Grow up Joey, I’m not gonna sleep with Monica.

Joey: A man can dream can’t he? Anyway, who’s the father?

Ross: For Rachel’s sake it better be me.

Chandler: I don’t know about that, your mailman is pretty hot.

Ross: Are you sure you’re not gay?

Phoebe: I call Godmother!

Ross: Ah, you just can’t call Godmother. That’s for Rachel and I to decide.

Phoebe: That’s what you think. So how far along are you Rach?

Rachel: Two weeks.

Phoebe: Have you started puking your guts out yet?

Rachel: Ah, no.

Phoebe: Man, you’ve had the best pregnancy so far. Though it can fun getting sick. Did I ever tell you guys how I taped my mouth shut so I wouldn’t puke anymore and then got sick and it came out my nose?

(Everyone starts gagging)

SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK CITY (Joey and Rachel are shopping)

Rachel: I hate shopping for Ross. I never know what to get him.

Joey: Oh I know….

Rachel: I’m not giving him a coupon of Rachel love.

Joey: Why not? It always works for me.

Rachel: Ok, what you and Ross do when you’re together is none of my business.

Joey: How about a subscription to Playboy?

Rachel: I got him that for Christmas and he still insists on having sex with me.

Joey: Is this gonna take all day?

Rachel: I dunno. Why?

Joey: I’ve gotta find a date for tonight.

Rachel: You just need fifteen minutes to do that. Why’s it so important?

Joey: It just is ok.

Rachel: Oh my God, you still have feelings for Phoebe.

Joey: No I don’t. It’s just been three days since I last had sex.

ALLESANDRO’S (Monica is working. Phoebe and Ross show up)

Ross: Hey Mon, what’s up?

Monica: I’m working you doofus.

Phoebe: I told him the same thing but he didn’t believe me.

Monica: What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe: We stopped in to say hi. Oh, and to eat lunch too.

Monica: I thought my cooking made you sick the last time you ate when I was working.

Phoebe: It did. I took some compazine to ensure that I wouldn’t throw up this time.

Ross: Has Rachel come to see you yet?

Monica: No. Why?

Ross: Oh it’s nothing. She was just gonna come say hi.

Monica: What’s going on?

Phoebe: Nothing’s going on Mon. We just came for lunch.

Monica: Then why is Rachel coming to see me?

Phoebe: Probably to tell you that she’s pregnant.

Ross: Phoebe!

Monica: Rachel’s pregnant?

Ross: I don’t know anything about it.

Phoebe: Yeah, I was just guessing. We’d better go eat lunch Ross, we’ve got a lot to do today.

Ross: Bye Mon, we’ll see you later. (Ross and Phoebe go to leave)

Monica: Come on guys, what does Rachel want to tell me?

Ross: Honestly, I don’t know.

Monica: Ok you’re definitely lying.

Ross: No I’m not.

Monica: Then why is your hand shaking uncontrollably?

Phoebe: I think he really wants to pleasure himself.

Monica: I’m not gonna ask again. Is Rachel pregnant?

Phoebe: She’s pregnant.

Ross: Damn it Phoebe! We weren’t supposed to tell her.

Phoebe: I’m sorry. She beat it out of me.

Monica: It’s ok guys. Congratulations Ross. I’m happy for you both. But, I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you guys later.

Ross: Are you sure you’re ok?

Monica: I’m fine. Go eat lunch, it’s on me.

Phoebe: Thanks Mon. We’ll see you later. (Phoebe and Ross leave. Monica returns to cooking and then the camera cuts to her face. She’s crying.)

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Joey are present. Joey’s on the phone)

Joey: Is Crystal there? Hi Crystal, it’s Joey. Joey Tribbiani. (pause) I know I was supposed to call you a week ago but I’ve been on assignment in Africa. (pause) Yeah, General Hospital was doing a shoot over there. I was taking care of an elephant. (pause) Do you wanna go out tonight? (pause) Ok. I’ll pick you up at seven. (pause) What should you wear? I don’t know, surprise me. (pause) Yes, wearing underwear is optional. (pause) No, I won’t be wearing any. (pause) Ok, I’ll see you at seven. (Joey hangs up – to Rachel) Well I’ve got a date for tonight.

Rachel: You’re pathetic. Africa? You don’t even know where Africa is.

Joey: What? What are you talking about? Africa is in Europe. Besides, Crystal is as hot as they come.

Rachel: She sounds real classy. She actually wanted to know if underwear was optional?

Joey: Yeah. I only go out with women who don’t wear underwear and she knows that.

Rachel: You went out with Phoebe.

Joey: Technically we didn’t go out, we just did it 32 times. Do you wear underwear?

Rachel: Sorry, I do.

Joey: Thong?

Rachel: I’m not answering that question.

Joey: Come on Rach, you wear thongs don’t you?

Rachel: I told you I’m not answering that question.

Joey: I think you wear thongs.

Rachel: Then let your imagination run wild. Do you think Ross will like the jacket I got him?

Joey: Sure.

Rachel: Maybe if I gave it to him completely naked.

Joey: You can give me the jacket then.

Rachel: Sorry Joe, I’m a one man woman now. Anyway, I have to go see Carol and Susan, do you wanna come?

Joey: Who are they?

Rachel: You know who they are.

Joey: I do?

Rachel: Ross’s ex-wife and her lesbian partner.

Joey: We get to see lesbians. I’m totally there. Man, this day just keeps getting better!

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: Tell me why again that Norm is picking you up here?

Phoebe: So he doesn’t know where I live.

Chandler: Ah, why are you going out with him if you don’t want him to know where you live?

Phoebe: Just in case he turns out to be a total loser.

Chandler: I thought you said he was cool.

Phoebe: He is. But if it’s anything like when I first met you, then I wanna be sure that he doesn’t know where I live.

Chandler: That makes sense. Hey wait a minute! I’m not a loser!

Phoebe: I’m kidding. Man, marriage really has destroyed your sense of humor.

(Monica enters)

Monica: Hey guys.

Phoebe: How are you doing Mon?

Monica: I’m fine.

Phoebe: So you’re ok with Rachel being pregnant?

Chandler: She knows?

Monica: I know and I really am ok with it. So I take it that your date is picking you up here Pheebs.

Phoebe: How’d you know?

Monica: Cool vs. Loser, you’re undecided.

Phoebe: You know me too well.

CAROL & SUSAN’S APARTMENT (Carol, Susan and Ben are present. There’s a knock on the door.)

Carol: Who is it?

Rachel: It’s Rachel and Joey.

(Carol opens the door)

Carol: Hey guys.

Joey: How you doin?

Carol: Pretty good. How you doin?

Joey: I’m hungry. You got any food?

Carol: Help yourself. (Joey goes into the kitchen)

Rachel: You can’t take that boy anywhere.

Susan: Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Hey Susan. Where’s Ben?

Susan: He’s in his room moping. Carol and I told him that he couldn’t have ice cream for dinner.

(Joey emerges from the kitchen. He’s eating ice cream)

Joey: What’s wrong with ice cream for dinner?

Susan: Apparently nothing in your case.

Carol: So what’s up?

Rachel: I got this idea for Ross’s birthday present.

Joey: You guys are all gonna get it on with him?

Rachel: Shut up Joey!

Susan: So what’s your idea?

Rachel: I figured that the three of us and Ben take a picture together. It’d be like a picture of Ben’s three mommies and Ben of course.

Carol: That is a good idea.

Susan: Are you sure I should be in it?

Rachel: Why wouldn’t you be?

Susan: Ah, the fact that Ross doesn’t like me rings a bell.

Rachel: Oh he just acts that way when you’re around. When he’s alone with me he always comments on what a great mommy you are.

Susan: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Carol: Ah, what about me?

Rachel: You too Carol. He thinks you guys are doing a wonderful job raising Ben. Ross just wishes he had more time with Ben.

Carol: How does three whole weeks in row sound?

Rachel: Are you serious?

Susan: Yeah. Carol and I are going away to San Francisco for three weeks.

Joey: Ah yes, the gay capital of the United States.

Rachel: Joey!

Carol: It’s ok Rach, that is why we’re going there.

Rachel: So do you guys have time to take the picture?

Carol: When do you wanna do it?

Rachel: Well being that Ross’s birthday is in a week, I figured sometime this week.

Susan: How about Wednesday?

Rachel: Sounds good. I’ll see you guys them. Let’s go Tribbiani.

Joey: Can I have this?

Susan: Take it.

Joey: Lesbians rock.

Rachel (to Carol and Susan): I’m sorry I brought Joey, but it was my turn to babysit.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Rachel and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Now look, I don’t want you guys embarrassing me when Norm gets here.

Chandler: We wouldn’t do that to you Phoebe, we all care for you.

Monica: Yeah Pheebs, I’ll make sure Chandler behaves himself.

Ross: What about me?

Phoebe: You’re a geek like Norm, so I’m not really worried about you.

Ross: Huh, I’m not a geek. I guess I’ll have to embarrass you.

Monica: Ross honey, you are a geek. You teach a class about dinosaurs and you have a dinosaur collection that you still play with.

Ross: Whatever.

(there’s a knock on the door)

Phoebe: Now that’s Norm, don’t say a word. (opens the door to reveal Norm who is actually a very good looking man) Hey Norm. Ready to go?

Norm: Can’t I at least meet your friends?

Phoebe: Sure. That’s Monica (points to Monica) That’s Chandler, Monica’s husband. Oh and that’s Ross, the geek I was telling you about. (Ross is now furious)

Norm: Nice to meet you all.

Ross: Hey Norm, watch out for Phoebe tonight. She really likes to tie down her dates to the bed post and leave them there. (Now Phoebe is furious)

Norm: Thanks, I’ll remember that.

(Joey and Rachel enter)

Rachel: Hi! I don’t know you. I’m Ross’s wife Rachel.

Norm (to Phoebe): I thought you said Ross was a geek. His wife is totally hot.

Phoebe: Trust me, he’s a geek.

Joey: Hey, you must be Norm. I’m Joey. Watch out for Phoebe, she can go all night if you know what I mean.

Norm: Have you dated Phoebe in the past?

Joey: No, we just have sex together when our dating lives are slow.

Phoebe (who now wants to kill Joey): Ok, that’s why I didn’t want you to meet my friends. Ready to go? Bye guys.

All: Bye Phoebe, bye Norm.

(Phoebe and Norm leave)

Joey: Where were they going?

Monica: I think they were going to Sorentino’s.

Joey: Cool. I better go pick up Crystal.

Ross: Who’s Crystal?

Rachel: Joey’s underwearless date for the evening.

Chandler: Still holding women up to your clothing standards I see Joey.

Joey: Of course, there’s no other way to judge a woman’s sexual potential. She just better be wearing a dress.

Rachel (to Joey): You define the word pig.

Chandler: Ready to go Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: Where are you two off to?

Chandler: I told you, we’re going to the coffee house.

Monica: Fine.

Rachel: Ross, aren’t you gonna ask me if you can go?

Ross (whining): Rach, what did I tell you about that?

(Chandler and Ross go to leave)

Chandler (to Ross): Dude, you’re more whipped then I am.

Monica: I heard that Chandler.

Chandler: We better go before Monica changes her mind.

(Chandler and Ross leave)

Rachel: I guess it’s just like old times, you and I alone on a Saturday night. Actually, there’s something I have been meaning to tell you….

Monica (breaking down in tears): I know. You’re pregnant.

SORENTINO’S (Phoebe and Norm are having dinner)

Norm: So was Joey being serious?

Phoebe: About what?

Norm: That you two have casual sex.

Phoebe: Had. We had casual sex once. We don’t do that anymore.

Norm: So there’s nothing going on between you two.

Phoebe: Nope. He’s just my best friend. Enough about me, what do you like to do?

Norm: I like to pick-up garbage. I walk down the street and if I see garbage, I have to pick it up.

Phoebe: Oh, so you’re like an environmentalist. I really like people like that.

Norm: No it’s much more than that. I hate garbage. I feel it is my duty to rid New York City of all its garbage.

Phoebe: Wow! That’s like superhero stuff.

Norm: Well, I don’t like to brag.

(Joey and Crystal enter)

Phoebe (hiding behind the menu): Oh my God, what is he doing here?

Norm: Who?

Phoebe: Joey, Joey’s here with his date.

Norm: Should I invite them over?

(Joey sees Norm and Phoebe)

Phoebe: No.

Joey: Hey guys, funny to bump into you here. Norm, Phoebe, this is Crystal.

Norm/Phoebe: Hi.

Joey: Do you mind if we join you?

Phoebe: Yes we mind.

Norm: Come on Phoebe, that’s no way to treat your friends. Have a seat guys.

Crystal: I just love this place Joey, it’s so much classier than the place we normally go.

Phoebe: Where’s that?

Crystal: Burger World.

Joey: So what are you guys doing after dinner?

Norm: We’re going to the movies. Have you seen Rock Star?

Phoebe: Yes he has.

Joey (to Phoebe): No I haven’t. Isn’t that the movie Jennifer is in?

Phoebe: Yes it is Joey.

Joey: We are so there. (to Crystal) We’re going to the movies.

Crystal: Wow! A fancy dinner and a trip to the movies, you’re gonna get so lucky Joey.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Rachel: Who told you Mon?

Monica: Phoebe and Ross.

Rachel: I’m gonna kill those two. Come here honey, it’s gonna be ok.

Monica: I really am happy for you.

Rachel: I know. I didn’t mean for you to find out from them. I wanted to tell you myself.

Monica: I know. I don’t know why I’m crying, I really am happy for you.

Rachel: You’re crying because, well you know why.

Monica: I thought I was over the whole miscarriage thing. I guess I’m not.

Rachel: Mon, you lost something that was very important to you. That’s gonna take some time to get over. Hey, don’t forget, the doctor said you can still have children.

Monica: But you’re the one knocked up and not me.

Rachel: True. (pause) But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t sleep together anymore.

Monica: Sorry, I don’t sleep with pregnant women.

Rachel: If only your brother was like that.

Monica: This is why I love you.

Rachel: What?

Monica: You’re always there to comfort me when I’m down.

Rachel: That’s what best friends are for.

CLOSING CREDITS

JOEY’S (PHOEBE’S) APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with someone)

Joey: Well that was definitely better than the last time.

Woman (from under the covers) speaks but you can’t hear her.

Joey: I didn’t hear you. Come up for air.

Phoebe: I said, you bet your ass that was better than last time.