TOW Chandler's Cousin
written by Caitie
(Scene: Joey and Chandler’s, everyone there but Monica)
Chandler: (oh phone) Okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up) (loud) BITE ME!!
Joey: So, your Mom called again, huh?
Chandler: No, worse.
Rachel: Ooh, you Dad called you?
Chandler: Worse than that.
Joey: (terrified) Oh no! Janice called?!
Chandler: No, it was my cousin Karen.
(They all are clueless)
Phoebe: We have no idea who your talking about.
Chandler: My cousin Karen. (they all nod) Karen Walker.
Joey: How old is she?
(Chandler smacks Joey over the fore head)
Joey: Oww! What was that for?
Chandler: Oh, you should never ask how old Karen is. It’s apart of my family.
Phoebe: Wow, so what did she say.
Chandler: She’s coming to visit me.
Ross: Good, this will give us a chance to meet her.
Chandler: Alright, but don’t complain to me if starts to annoy you.
(Monica rushes in)
Monica: Guys, I just saw my Mother and Father having sex in one of the bathroom’s at Hooter’s.
(they all stare at her)
Rachel: But why would they be at-
Monica: (cutting her off) Don’t ask.
Opening Credits/ Commercial Break
(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel are there)
Rachel: I am so bored.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Good, cause I have an idea. (kisses her)
Rachel: We can’t do this right now.
Ross: (kissing her) Why not?
Rachel: Because the guys are gonna come back soon with Chandler’s cousin. We have to meet her remember and having sex in front of her is not a good first impression.
(Ross kisses her on the neck)
Rachel: Okay, maybe just for fifteen minutes.
(they fall on couch) (Everyone but Chandler come in) (Ross and Rachel jump startled)
Ross: Wow, Rachel you were right, your butt is firmer.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh honey, what a good cover up.
Ross: So, where’s Chandler and Karen?
Joey: Oh, not that bitch.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Joey’s mad because Karen said that he didn’t look like a real Italian and he looked like Sandra Bullock with a haircut.
Joey: Chandler was right she is the most ignorant person in the world.
Monica: She is not.
Joey: I bet you wouldn’t be saying that if you knew that she said your breast were the size of a newborn baby’s butt cheeks.
Monica: Wow, I hate her.
(Chandler walks in with Karen Walker from Will and Grace played by Megan Mullally)
Chandler: Karen for the last time, I am not gay and I am not dating Gunther.
Karen: Okay.
Rachel: Hi. I’m Rachel. We haven’t met. (shakes her hand)
Karen: Yeah, I see that.
Rachel: Did you know that your name is my middle name?
Karen: Wow, your as dumb as you look.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Hi, I’m Ross.
Karen: Oh, honey I’m sorry.
Ross: For what?
Karen: It’s that your parents must have been drunk when they named you.
Chandler: Okay, Karen that’s enough.
Karen: Oh, and it was just starting to get fun! (laughs)
Rachel: So, uh Karen tell us a little bit about yourself.
Karen: Well, I’m married to a rich man, I’m a fantastic dresser and I have a great rack! (laughs)
Rachel: Okay, well uh nice to meet you!
Phoebe: What do you do?
Karen: Well, I’m an assistant to a cheesy fashion designer.
Rachel: Fashion Designer?
Karen: Yeah, her name is Grace Adler, ever heard of her?
Rachel: No.
Karen: Chandler where’s your apartment? You said you would show me it.
Chandler: Okay, come on. (they leave)
(pause)
Rachel: (mad) I swear I was gonna punch that BITCH in the mouth!!
Monica: I know!
Rachel: She said I was dumb!
Ross: I’m sorry.
Rachel: I don’t look like one of those really sexy but ditsy and stupid girls do I?
Ross: (stares at her) (changing the subject) Hey! You guys wanna get some coffee?
All: Yeah/Sure/ Great Idea etc… (they leave)
(Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is there Helping Karen shop)
Rachel: (holding up a jacket) Try this one on I think it would look great on you.
Karen: ( takes it) Huh, I know it would. (put it on)
Rachel: ( sarcastic) Yeah! (to herself) Dumbass.
Karen: Excuse me?
Rachel: Oh, what? Nothing.
Karen; So, how much is this?
Rachel: Umm, $275.
Karen: Wow, that’s cheap.
Rachel: Sure it is.
Karen: Raquel…
Rachel: Oh, it’s Rachel.
Karen: Oh, I don’t care.
Rachel: Okay.
Karen: Is Chandler involved with anyone?
Rachel: Uh, no why?
Karen: Well, because I might have someone for him.
Rachel: Chandler doesn’t really like to be set up with anyone.
Karen: Yeah, well who asked you?
Rachel: So, who do you have in mind for him?
Karen: Oh, my friend from back home.
Rachel: Oh, yeah?
Karen: Yeah, she’s very nice.
Rachel: Oh.
Karen: I think that they would make a perfect couple.
Rachel: Oh really?
Karen: Uh-huh, see the gal I thinking about fixing Chandler is with is special…. very special.
Rachel: What’s so special about her?
Karen: Oh, she’s a man.
Rachel: Oh that’s so (realizes what she just said) Noooooo!!
(Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there)
Phoebe: So, what do you think about Karen?
Monica: I think she’s the devil.
Phoebe: I think she’s pretty cool.
Monica: Pheebs, she said that you have the fashion taste of Richard Simmons.
Phoebe: (touched) Oh, that’s so sweet.
Monica: Phoebe, no its no sweet. This woman is going around saying things about people that are not very nice. (about to cry) She made fun of my boobies.
Phoebe: (hugs her) Don’t cry we all make fun of your boobies.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
(Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, everyone there but Monica and Phoebe)
Chandler: No, no, and no!
Karen: Come on! Chandler, just go out with her for a cup of coffee if it doesn’t go well then you don’t have to see her anymore.
Chandler: I told you I don’t go on blind dates. They end to badly.
Karen: See, that’s why you never have good relationships.
Chandler: I do so.
Karen: Nuh-uh. Remember, when I had that birthday party at that big fancy place, and I tried to hook you up with Mary Johnson?
Chandler: Yeah.
Karen: Yeah, you told me that you didn’t want to be in a relationship.
Chandler: Yeah, that was different.
Karen: How?
Chandler: I was seven and she was sixteen.
Karen: Didn’t Grandma tell you to always go for the older ones!
(there is a knock at the door)
Karen: There she is now. Come on Chandler please! Just go on the date!
Chandler: (pause) Okay.
Karen: Good! Now answer the door.
Chandler: Okay, but (gets up) one date! If it goes bad I don’t go out with her again! I don’t want any surprises. (he opens door to reveal Jack from Will and Grace played by Sean Hayes)
Jack: Hi, I’m Jack.
Ross: Speaking of surprises!
Commercial Break
(Scene: Same as before)
Jack: Hi, I’m Jack. (shakes his hand)
Chandler: (shocked) Huhhhhh.
Karen: Jackie.
Jack: Karen. (they hug)
Chandler: (still shocked) Huhhhhh.
Karen: Oh, Jack this is Chandler.
Jack: Oh, so your Chandler. Nice to me meet you.
Chandler: You’re a man.
Jack: I know! I’m Jack.
Chandler: Yes, but your a man.
Jack: (flirting) Your smart, I like that.
Chandler: Sure you do. (to Karen) Karen, can I talk to you in the hall for a sec?
Karen: Okay. (they walk out)
(Cut to: Hallway, Chandler and Karen come out)
Chandler: What the hell is your problem?!
Karen: What?
Chandler: That’s a man!
Karen: Well, duh what else would she be?
Chandler: (sarcastic) Let’s see, umm, a she!
Karen: What are you talking about?
Chandler: I thought you were gonna set me up with a girl!!
Karen: Well, technically he is a girl. He’s gay ain’t he?
Chandler: Karen, I’m not gay!
Karen: Uh-huh!
Chandler: Nuh-uh!
Karen: Oh my god! I’m so sorry! I just thought that since you were raisied by a gay man chances are you’d turn out gay.
Chandler: Lucky me, cause I didn’t!
Karen: Oh, I feel so stupid!
Chandler: Well, you should! See, this is why I don’t do blind dates. They either end up stupid, ugly or someone you fix me up with.
Karen: Honey, I’m so sorry!
Chandler: It’s okay can you just go in there and tell him that I am not gay!
Karen: Oh, honey I can’t do that.
Chandler: Wha-well why not?!
Karen: Because If I do I won’t get the money Jack promised me.
Chandler: Oh sugar snaps!
Karen: Wow, you’re becoming me more and more everyday.
Chandler: Yeah, but Karen what am I going to do?
Karen: Go on the date.
Chandler: No, I’m not going on the date.
Karen: Look, if you go on the date I’ll give you half of the money he promised me.
Chandler: Money isn’t gonna solve this.
Karen: I’ll give you 550 bucks.
Chandler: No, Karen you can’t just bribe me.
Karen: 790 bucks.
Chandler: I told you no amount of money is gonna make me go out with him.
Karen: (pause) 1’900 bucks.
Chandler: (pause) Done.
(they go back inside)
(Cut to: Inside Joey and Chandler’s, Chandler and Karen enter)
Ross: So, I am putting to much gel on it?
Jack: Yeah, the bottle says put about the size of a pea…. Not the size of a watermelon.
Ross: Wow, thanks man.
Chandler: Ummm, well uh Jack we have to get going. We don’t want to be late.
Jack: Okay, sure but Ooh Ross…
Ross: Yeah?
Jack: Remember…a pea not a watermelon.
Ross: Okay dude!!
(Chandler and Jack leave)
(Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there when Chandler and Jack enter)
Monica: Hey Chandler! What’s up?
Chandler: (uncomfortable) Oh, nothing … you know nothing.
Monica: Oh, who’s that?
Chandler: Oh, this is Jack. Jack this is Monica.
Jack: Nice to meet cha.
Monica: Dito.
Jack: Chandler and I are on a date.
Monica: Your on a what?
Jack: A date.
Monica: Chandler, wow I didn’t know but it’s okay I won’t tell anyone. (Chandler pulls her over to the counter)
Chandler: No, it’s not that. You know my cousin Karen?
Monica: Oh, eww.
Chandler: Well, she thought that I was you know…
Monica: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: So, she set me up with this lunatic and I have to go on the date because…… because of the reason.
Monica: Okay.
(Fade to: A fancy Resturant, a hour later, Chandler and Jack are there, Chandler looks bored)
Jack: So, when I entered middle school I guess I found I was truly gay when I was in the boys locker room and , John Homes, bent over and his towel fell down. I almost gave him an asthma attack when I grabbed his booty. (laughs)
Chandler: Yeah, ha ha.
Jack: So, Chandler I think this relationship could really work out.
Chandler: Um, what?
Jack: Yeah, I think we could hit it off.
Chandler: No, no no. You see, this was my worst date ever. You just spent a whole hour talking about you and you just got to middle school!!
Jack: Oh, I know but this date was so amazing. I mean, I’m good looking, your paying for dinner….
Chandler: Whoa, uh Jack… don’t take this the wrong way but I’m not gay! I don’t even know why I agreed to go on this date anyway. I guess I did it for the money…but anyway I don’t think that we should go out after this.
Jack: Playing hard to get, huh? Wow, you are so cute. I think you might be the one. Chandler, I know this is only our first date but…. I think we should get married.
Chandler: (dumbfounded) Say again?
The End
Cliffhanger…..