THE ONE WITH THE CRABS

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Ross: Anyone want to go to the Van Gough exhibit with me?

Chandler: As I was saying, how ‘bout them Knicks?

Rachel: Yeah, that Latrell Sprewell is something. I really like his cornrows.

Ross: You don’t even know who Latrell Sprewell is.

Rachel: He’s the Knicks shooting guard.

Monica: You should watch the game with your wife once in awhile Ross.

(Joey enters)

Phoebe: Hey, it’s Mr. One Testicle everyone.

Joey: Very funny Phoebe.

Monica: Yeah, Janice stopped by and asked if you were single again. I think she wants you Joey.

Joey: She did not.

Ross: Fine, don’t believe us.

(Janice approaches Joey from behind)

Janice: Hey Joey, wanna roll in the hay again? I just love a one testicle man.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey sits up in bed and looks next to him)

Joey: Whoa, just a nightmare!

OPENING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel and Chandler are present)

Chandler: So you guys are going to the doctor’s today?

Rachel: Yeah, we’re having another ultrasound done.

Chandler: Doctors freak me out.

Ross: Ah, why?

Chandler: In my first experience with a doctor, yeah, she slapped me on my rear. I had just been brought into this world and the next thing I know some doctor is slapping my ass.

(Monica enters)

Monica: Hey honey.

Chandler: Are you talking to me? (pause) What are you doing home?

Monica: I worked last night, I’ve been out shopping this morning.

Chandler: Oh, then it’s me who better get to work.

Rachel: Is Phoebe still filling in as your secretary?

Chandler: Yeah. Hopefully she’s come up with a good excuse for Bill as to why I’m late.

Ross: Who’s Bill?

Chandler: My boss. See you kids later.

(Chandler leaves)

Rachel: Well we better go Ross. We don’t wanna be late for our appointment.

Ross: Ok. See ya Mon.

Monica: Bye guys. (Ross and Rachel leave) Finally, I have the place to myself. (Joey enters)

Joey: Hey Mon.

Monica: Well that was fun while it lasted. What’s up Joe?

Joey: I’m still picking splinters out of my ass.

Monica: Thank you so much for telling me that.

Joey: Do you have any food?

Monica: Why are you even asking? Take whatever it is you want.

Joey: Thanks. Mon?

Monica: Yeah Joe?

Joey: Your outta eggs.

Monica (sarcastically): Well let me run out and get you some honey.

Joey: That’d be great. Make sure you get the large ones.

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Phoebe and Chandler are present)

Phoebe: Where in the hell have you been?

Chandler: At home. Why?

Phoebe: It’s 10:30 in the morning. You were supposed to be here two hours ago!

Chandler: What’s your point?

Phoebe: Bill came around looking for you. He asked where you were.

Chandler (panicking): What did you tell him?

Phoebe: I lied and said you were at a doctor’s appointment.

Chandler: Thanks Phoebe, I owe you one. By the way, just in case Bill asks, why’d I go to the doctor’s?

Phoebe: Yeah, I told him you had crabs.

Chandler: Crabs?

Phoebe: Pubic lice. I’ll be at my desk if you need me.

DOCTOR’S OFFICE (Ross and Rachel are there for their ultrasound. They’re waiting for the doctor)

Ross: Come on, William is a great name for our boy.

Rachel: No way, we are not naming our baby boy William. He’ll end up a womanizer like Bill Clinton.

Ross: Or like my ex-wife Carol.

Rachel: Do you wanna fight? I think Carol’s a sweet person.

Ross: No relax, I was just kidding. How about Michael?

Rachel: No. We’re naming him Brady and that’s final.

Ross: So I don’t get a say in this at all?

Rachel: Pretty much.

Ross: You wouldn’t be having that baby if it weren’t for my contribution.

Rachel: That’s what you think.

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Look, Brady is my father’s middle name, we have to name the baby after him.

Ross: Great, he’ll grow up to be a pompous ass.

(Dr. Newer enters)

Dr. Newer: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Geller, how are we today?

Ross: What do you think of the name Brady?

Dr. Newer: Trying to come up with a name for your child?

Rachel: Yes.

Dr. Newer: I like the name Brady.

Rachel: See?

Dr. Newer: Are you guys ready to start?

Ross: Yes.

Rachel: She was asking me.

Ross: She said are “we” ready to start.

Dr. Newer: Do you guys wanna keep arguing? I could go eat lunch.

Rachel: Sorry, we’re ready to start.

(Dr. Newer starts the ultrasound)

Dr. Newer: Ok, everything looks normal. Oh, what’s that?

Ross/Rachel (nervously): What’s what?

Dr. Newer: You know how I said last time that you were having a boy?

Ross/Rachel: Yeah?

Dr. Newer: I hope you haven’t started buying boy’s baby clothes yet. It looks like you’re having a girl.

Ross: Are you sure?

Dr. Newer: Well it appears that what I thought was his penis has fallen off.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Ross, relax, we’re having a girl. This is so exciting! It’s gonna be like having my own little live doll to play dress-up with.

Ross: What do ya mean his penis fell off? Put it back on! Reattach William’s penis!

Dr. Newer: I’m sorry Mr. Geller, but you are having a girl. This is her vagina right here.

Rachel: What do you think of the name Caitlin?

Dr. Newer: I love it. That’s the name of my partner.

Ross (who now is completely floored): You’re, you’re, you’re a….

Rachel: Ross!

Dr. Newer: Yes, I’m a lesbian.

Ross: Do you happen to know my ex-wife Carol Willick and her lesbian partner Susan Bunch?

Dr. Newer: No. Contrary to public belief, not all lesbians know one another.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is lying on the couch watching TV. Joey enters)

Joey: Hey Mon. Did you get those eggs yet?

Monica: Excuse me?

Joey: I thought you were gonna go get eggs for me. You’re all out.

Monica: I was being sarcastic Joey. If you want eggs, go get them yourself!

Joey: Calm down. Fine, I’ll go and see if Treeger has any eggs. (Joey goes to leave) Mon?

Monica: What now Joey?

Joey: Is it that time of the month?

Monica: Get out of here Joey!

Joey: Geez, I was just asking. (Joey leaves)

Monica (to herself): Is it that noticeable?

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Phoebe is at her desk. Chandler’s in his office. Chandler’s boss Bill approaches)

Bill: Hello again Ms. Filange.

Phoebe: Hey Bill. How’s it hanging?

Bill: Excuse me?

Phoebe: I’m sorry sir. I used to ask President Clinton that every morning. He loved it.

Bill: Is Chandler in his office?

Phoebe: Yes sir.

Bill: Thanks. (Bill enters Chandler’s office)

Phoebe: For once.

Bill: Hey there Bing.

Chandler: Hello Mr. Haughney, how are you doing today?

Bill: Better than you I hear. So you got pubic lice? Doesn’t it itch like hell? I remember when I was in Vietnam. I slept with this local girl and forgot to use a condom. Man, if that girl didn’t give me crabs, I don’t know who did. Those little buggers nearly got me killed in the field.

Chandler: That’s a lovely story sir. What brings you down to the 36^th floor?

Bill: Do you have that statistical analysis ready?

Chandler: What analysis sir?

Bill: The figures I left with your secretary. The figures I wanted you to analyze.

Chandler: I haven’t seen them yet sir. She must’ve forgotten to give them to me. Let me get her. (on the intercom) Phoebe, I mean Ms. Filange, could you come in here please?

Phoebe: Coming.

Bill: She’s a hot little number there Bing. Does the missus know about her?

Chandler: No sir. She has no idea. But no need to worry, Ms. Filange is a lesbian.

Phoebe: Do you guys need coffee or something?

Chandler: Regina, did you forget to give me the statistic reports Mr. Haughney left with you this morning?

Phoebe: Yes, yes I did. I’m so sorry. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I forgot to give you the reports.

Bill: I thought you said she was a lesbian.

Chandler: I did. She must be confused.

Phoebe: Right, I’m definitely a lesbian. I just call my partner my boyfriend because she wears the pants in our relationship.

Bill: I should call my wife my boyfriend, she wears the pants in our household too.

Chandler: Regina, if you could go get me those numbers, that’d be great.

Phoebe: Right.

Chandler: I’ll have those numbers to you in an hour Bill.

Bill: Ok. (Bill goes to leave) You’re not itching much Bing, are you sure you have crabs?

Chandler: The doctor gave me something for the itch sir.

Bill: Well I’d better go. I’d shake your hand, but I don’t wanna catch anything. One hour Bing.

Chandler: Alright sir. See ya then. (Bill leaves as Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: I’m a lesbian now?

Chandler: Consider it pay back for giving me crabs.

Phoebe: I guess being a lesbian isn’t so bad. At least me being a lesbian won’t spread as fast around the office as your bout with crabs has.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, I made the mistake of telling Penny in accounting that you have crabs. She’s told everyone in her department.

Chandler: Phoebe!

MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT (Monica is napping on the couch as Joey enters. Joey has brought his date, Lexi, over)

Joey: Yeah, this is where my friends live. Chandler’s at work. That’s Monica over there asleep on the couch. That’s Chandler’s wife.

Lexi: She’s asleep. Shouldn’t we come back later?

Joey: Nah, she’ll be fine with us being here. Wanna watch some TV?

Lexi: Ok.

(Joey turns on the TV but the volume is incredibly loud. Monica wakes up.)

Monica: Joey, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. We were just gonna watch some TV. Is that ok?

Monica: What’s the matter with your TV?!

Joey: I didn’t pay the cable bill this month. Oh, by the way, this is Lexi.

Monica: Hi. Joey, not to be rude, but get the hell out of here!

Joey: Still cramping?

Monica: Out Joey!

Joey: Let’s go Lexi. We can watch some porn at my place.

Lexi: Can we watch one of the ones I star in?

Joey: Sure. See ya Mon. Oh and take some Midol Mon, you’ll feel better.

(Joey and Lexi leave as Monica hurls the newspaper at Joey, hitting the closing door instead)

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: I’m gonna throw you out the window!

Phoebe: Cool. Do you have a parachute for me?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: What are you so pissy for?

Chandler: How about this? I walk down the hall and people start laughing at me. They won’t shake my hand when I tell them good job. They just sit there and laugh. Then they ask if it was worth going to see a hooker.

Phoebe: You went to a hooker? Does Monica know?

Chandler: You dumb ass, I didn’t go see a hooker. People think I did because I have crabs thanks to you inventive imagination. Look, you’ve got to fix this. I’ll never be able to walk these halls again. I’ll be the laughingstock of the company if everyone thinks I caught crabs from a hooker!

Phoebe: Ok, ok. I’ll fix it.

Chandler: What are you gonna do?

Phoebe: Is syphilis better?

Chandler: No!

Phoebe: Ok, ok. I’ll think of something. By the way, thanks for telling Bill that I’m a lesbian. I have a date with his daughter tonight.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel’s on the phone. Ross is moping on the couch)

Rachel: Yeah, I know Mom. It’ll be so much fun having a little girl running around. (pause) No, he’s not really excited about it. All the way home he kept saying, “reattach the penis, reattach the penis”. I thought the cab driver was gonna kick us out of his cab. (pause) Sure, we can go this weekend. Macy’s has the cutest baby clothes on sale right now. (pause) Yeah, I’ll tell him. Ok, talk to you later Mom, love you. (Rachel hangs up the phone)

Ross: So I take it that you’re Mom’s excited that we’re having a girl.

Rachel: She couldn’t be more thrilled.

Ross: I can’t believe Dr. Newer read the last ultrasound wrong. I was so excited to be having another boy.

Rachel: So you are saying that you’re not excited to be having a girl?

Ross: I didn’t say that.

Rachel: Then what are you saying?

Ross: I was just excited to be having another boy. Now things are different. Girls are so much harder to raise.

Rachel: What? You think girls are harder to raise than boys?

Ross: Well yeah. I don’t know anything about raising a girl.

Rachel: You don’t know much about women either.

Ross: Thanks for pointing that out.

Rachel: Ross, you’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be the Daddy in Daddy’s little girl. She’ll adore you when she gets older.

Ross: Do you adore your father?

Rachel: Ok, I’m a bad example. But Monica adores your Dad.

Ross: That’s because she hates Mom.

Rachel: She doesn’t hate your Mom. She just likes your Dad better.

Ross: Of course she does, he gave her his Porsche.

Rachel: Yes, it’s gonna be different raising a girl. But I think you’ll do just fine. You wanna know why?

Ross: Why?

Rachel: ‘Cause when she comes home to our little apartment here, you’re gonna forget that you ever wanted to have a boy.

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Phoebe has gathered Chandler’s staff for a meeting)

Phoebe: Thank you all for coming. Mr. Bing will be here in a minute.

Co-Worker #1: Are you sure it’s safe to be in the same room as Mr. Bing? I’m getting married this weekend and I don’t want to give my new wife anything you know, contagious.

Phoebe: Mr. Bing doesn’t have crabs. Let me put that rumor to rest. His doctor just called and said he had an allergic reaction to the condoms he was using.

Co-Worker #2: With the hooker?

Phoebe: No. Mr. Bing was using them with his wife. They’re not ready for children quite yet.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Ms. Filange, why is my staff in my office?

Phoebe: I was just explaining to your staff that you in fact don’t have crabs, you had an allergic reaction to the condom you were using when you had sex with your wife last night.

Chandler: Well thank you for telling my staff my sexual habits.

Co-Worker #3: So it’s not true then? You don’t have crabs?

Chandler: No. And if I hear one more crack about it, I’ll fire whoever makes the remark.

(Bill, Chandler’s boss enters)

Bill: Hey Bing, I just wanted to see how the crabs were treating you. (the staff starts laughing) Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Bing, I didn’t realize you were having a staff meeting.

Chandler: It wasn’t crabs sir, it was an allergic reaction to a condom.

Bill: Good to hear. Carry on Mr. Bing. Oh, Ms. Filange, we’ll see you at the house tonight. My daughter can’t wait to meet you.

Phoebe: Looking forward to it Mr. Haughney. (notices the staff is staring at her) Yes, I’m a lesbian and I’m single if anyone wants a date.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Joey: How you feeling Mon?

Monica: Better thanks. I’m sorry I have been such a bitch to you today.

Joey: Don’t worry about it, it’s really no different than how you treat me everyday Mon.

Rachel: Ross and I have news!

Phoebe: You’re getting a divorce!

Ross: No, not yet.

Rachel: Not yet? (Ross doesn’t answer) Anyway, Ross and I are having a baby girl!

Joey: That must suck for you Ross.

Ross: Actually I’m really excited about it.

Monica (to Rachel): Wow! It’ll be like having your own little doll to play dress-up with!

Rachel: That’s what I said!

Phoebe: Oh, did you hear? Chandler had crabs but then the doctor discovered it was only a rash from his condom.

Chandler: Hey Phoebe, don’t you have a date with Bill’s daughter in a half hour?

Phoebe: Oh, you’re right. I better go.

Monica: What in the hell happened at work Chandler? Phoebe causing problems again?

Chandler: You don’t even wanna know. Phoebe gave me crabs so I made her a lesbian. Then she changed my crabs to a rash and I kept her a lesbian because she’s going out with my boss’s daughter. It’s all quite confusing.

Joey: Nah, I pretty much followed ya.

Chandler: Mention the word lesbian, and you can follow anything Joey.

CLOSING CREDITS

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey’s in his bedroom sleeping. Monica enters the apartment and goes to the stereo. She turns the music on really loud, waking Joey up.)

Joey: What the hell are you doing?! It’s 3 in the morning!

Monica: Just returning the favor from earlier today. Goodnight Joey.