Written by:†† Ethan

††††††††††††††††††††††† †††††††††††

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are in bed)




Phoebe:I know!


Joey:Weíve never done that before.


Phoebe:And weíll never do it again.


Joey:I couldnít do it again if I tried.Youíve drained me dry.


Phoebe:No, we can never have sex again.Youíre engaged to Courteney.




Phoebe:You have to make a decision Joey, Courteney or me?


Joey:When do I have to decide?


Phoebe:The sooner the better and you are not to mention this to anyone.Do you understand me?


Joey:Yeah, but youíre not winning any points with me right now by being so mean.


Phoebe:Ready for round 32?


Joey:And sheís back in contention.†††




CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present.)


Ross:Are you alright Monica, you look green?


Rachel: Maybe she was kidnapped by Martians.†† (no one laughs)Come on, that wasnít slightly funny, whatís the matter with you people?


Chandler:Thatís why they leave the jokes to me.


Monica:Iím fine.I must have a touch of something.Could you get me some tea honey?


Chandler:You want honey in your tea?


Monica:No, I want you to get me some tea honey. (pause)Wait, donít get me anything.(Monica races to the bathroom)


Chandler:I guess she really needed to talk to God on the porcelain telephone.


Rachel:Is she alright?This is the third day that sheís been sick in the past two weeks.


Chandler:Sheís fine.She just has this new South American flu thatís been going around.


Ross:So she went to the doctor?


Chandler:Not exactly.


Rachel:Then how do you know itís the new South American flu?


Chandler:I read about it in the papers.


Ross:You donít read the paper.You donít even get the paper.


Chandler:Fine, fine.I made it up.But I had you going for a minute didnít I?


(Monica returns)


Monica:Hey, whereís my tea?


Chandler:You told me you didnít want it.How about some greasy pizza?


Monica:Chandler!(Monica races back to the bathroom)


Rachel:You are so mean!Iím gonna make sure sheís alright.


Chandler (to Ross):Can you keep a secret?


Ross:According to Rachel, no.


Chandler:Monicaís pregnant.




Chandler:Sheís six weeks along.She was pregnant at your wedding.


Ross:How?What? How did this happen?


Chandler:She went to a sperm bank and impregnated herself.


Ross:She did?


Chandler:No you moron.I knocked her up.


Ross:You did this to my sister?


Chandler:Ah, yes?


Ross:Way to go man.Congratulations.


(cut to the bathroom)


Rachel:Are you ok Mon? (You here Monica heaving)I take that as a no.Do you need anything?


Monica:A tissue.Make that tissues.


Rachel (looking around but not finding any, Rachel reaches into the garbage):Here you go.


Monica:Thanks.Wait a minute, these have been used!Rachel!(starts throwing up again)


Rachel:Sorry!I didnít know that!


(Monica emerges from the stall)


Monica:Man, Iíve got to get rid of this flu.


Rachel:The South American?


Monica:Yeah.Howíd you know?


Rachel:Chandler told us.




Rachel:So how many weeks along are you?


Monica:Six.I mean, what are you talking about?


Rachel:I know.


Monica:Who told you?Did Chandler squeal?


Rachel:Monica, Iím a woman.I just know.Oh and congratulations.Iím so happy for you!(Rachel hugs Monica)


Monica:I am so excited! Of course, thatís in between the morning sickness and the periods that Iím not puking up everything I eat.But, you canít tell Phoebe, Joey or Ross.We donít want anyone to know until after the first trimester.


Rachel:Why not?


Monica:Just in case something happens.


Rachel:Nothingís gonna happen.Youíre gonna be a great Mommy!Are you ready for lunch?


Monica:Yeah.Oh crap, here we go again!


Rachel:I guess lunch is out of the question.


PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Joey is getting ready to leave)


Phoebe:What are you gonna tell Courteney?


Joey:What da ya mean?


Phoebe:†† Joey, you spent the night here.Courteneyís gonna wanna know where youíve been.


Joey:I got that covered.Donít worry about it.


Phoebe:What are you gonna tell her then?




Phoebe:Nothing?What do you mean nothing?


Joey:Just that, nothing.


Phoebe:So youíre not gonna tell her where youíve been?! What kind of fiancť are you?!


Joey:Relax Phoebe.Breathe.She slept at her parents last night.Thereís no way sheís gonna know that I didnít come home.


Phoebe:Oh. What she doesnít know wonít hurt her.


Joey:Exactly.Iíll see you later?


Phoebe:Sure.Just remember what I said, youíre to tell no one.


Joey:Not even Chandler or Ross?


Phoebe:Ok, what part of no one did you not understand?


Joey:I guess the no one part.Sorry.See ya.


Phoebe:Joey, thanks for last night.It meant a lot to me.


Joey:Me too.(Joey leaves)


Phoebe (after shutting the door) And you better choose to stay with Courteney.


VICTORIAíS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office.Phoebe enters)


Rachel:Hey Pheebs, what brings you to the lingerie capital of the world?


Phoebe:This is the lingerie capital of the world?Iíve always wondered where that was.


Rachel (shutting her office door):Whatís up Pheebs?


Phoebe:Nothing.I thought I just come by and say hi.Hi!I guess Iíll see you later.


Rachel:Phoebe, whatís the matter?


Phoebe:Really, Iím fine.


Rachel:Ok.But wipe that smile off your face or someoneís gonna think you got lucky last night.


Phoebe:Is it that obvious?


Rachel:You did get lucky last night.With who?


Phoebe:I canít tell you.


Rachel:But I know you want to.


Phoebe:I canít.I made a promise.


Rachel:Since when have you been able to keep a secret?


Phoebe:I started keeping them today.Iíll see you later.(Phoebe goes to leave)


Rachel (slowly realizing who it was):Wait Phoebe! Wait!Oh my God, you slept with Joey!


Phoebe (quickly re-entering Rachelís office and shutting the door):Would you shut up!I donít think your co-workers on the ninth floor heard you!


Rachel:This is unbelievable!What happened?!


Phoebe:I took your advice and told Joey how I felt and the next thing I know we were in bed.He spent the night.


Rachel:He spent the night?!


Phoebe:Did I stutter or something?


Rachel:What about Courteney?


Phoebe:He said she was staying at his parents.Look, I made a big mistake.I shouldíve never told him.I feel so guilty.




Phoebe:Because I could ruin the best thing that ever happened to Joey.I really think he should marry Courteney.


Rachel:Donít you think Joey should decide who he marries?


Phoebe:I guess.


Rachel:Do you love Joey?


Phoebe:Yeah. But I donít know if Iím in love with him.Courteney, now, sheís in love with him.Theyíre perfect together.I just think he should stay with her.


Rachel:Did you tell him that?




Rachel:I think you should.


Phoebe:No way, Iím not taking anymore advice from you.You got me into this mess.




Phoebe:You told me to tell how I felt.


Rachel:I didnít tell you to sleep with him!


Phoebe:Oh.I thought that was implied.


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Courteney is pacing around the apartment.Joey enters)


Courteney:Where in the hell have you been?!


Joey:Are you talking to me?


Courteney:You didnít come home last night!Iíve been up since yesterday waiting for you to come home!Now tell me where youíve been!


Joey:We had to work overtime on the set, it got late, so I stayed there.


Courteney:I called you at the set at 8 last night and they said you had left hours ago.Now stop lying to me!Where have you been?!


Joey:Ok, ok.Calm down.


Courteney:Are you telling me to calm down?!


Joey:Yes.And apparently itís not working.


Courteney (calmer):Joey, where have you been since last night?


Joey:I had a friend who needed someone to talk to so I stayed with her to help her. It got late, so I crashed at her place.


Courteney:Who was it?Some girlfriend I donít know about?


Joey:It was Phoebe.Sheís been having a hard time lately and she needed someone to talk to.She was upset and I couldnít just leave her, sheís one of my closest friends.


Courteney:Well why didnít you call and let me know? It was the least you couldíve done.


Joey:You told me you were staying at your parents.I didnít think I had to call.Iím sorry, it wonít happen again.


Courteney:Itís ok.Iím sorry I yelled at you.


Joey:Itís alright.Itís not the first time a woman yelled at me.†††


(Courteney hugs Joey and notices a bra in his bag)


Courteney:You guys werenít doing laundry last night were you?




Courteney:Thereís one of Phoebeís bras in your bag.


Joey:Oops.It must have gotten in their when I was packing up my stuff.


CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)


Ross:How are you feeling Mon?


Monica:Better thanks.I tend to feel better in the afternoon.


Ross:Thatís a weird flu youíve got there.


Monica:Tell me about it.Where Rach?


Ross:Sheís on her way.


Chandler:You know what, I just realized that I forgot to go to work today.Itís a good thing my boss is out of town.


Monica:Honey, you called in sick this morning to take care of me.




Ross:Maybe you have the Memory flu.


Chandler:Whatís that?


Ross:A virus where you forget everything you should remember.


(Rachel comes storming in)


Rachel:Hey guys!Do I have the dish or do I have the dish?


Monica:Well why donít you tell us and weíll decide.


Rachel:Ok.Are you sitting down?


Chandler:Well if we arenít then I donít know what Iíve been doing for the last half hour.Man my ass hurts.


Rachel (ignoring Chandler):Ok, Ok, this is really bigÖ.


Ross:Youíre pregnant!


Rachel:No!Monicaís the one thatís pregnant.




Ross:Itís ok Mon, I know.




Chandler:What?You obviously told Rachel!


Monica:She figured it out!I didnít tell her.


Chandler:So I told Ross.Iím weak, what do you expect?Anyway Rach, what is it?


Rachel:Phoebe slept with Joey!


All:Oh my God!


Monica:What about Courteney?


Rachel:She doesnít know.


Ross:How, how did it happen?


Chandler:See, they both got naked and then Joey inserted hisÖ..


Rachel (cutting off Chandler):Phoebe told Joey that she had feelings for him and one thing led to another, and bingo, theyíre went to bed together.


Monica:Thatís Joey, always thinking with the wrong head.††


Rachel:It wasnít Joeyís idea, it was Phoebeís.


Ross:Eh, I almost slept with Phoebe once.






Rachel:Weíll come back to you mister.


Monica:What are you so upset about Rachel, you wanted to sleep with Chandler.


Chandler:You still can if you want.(Monica, Rachel and Ross glare at Chandler)I guess I shouldíve kept that to myself.


Monica: Whatís Joey gonna do about Courteney?


Rachel:Phoebe wants Joey to stay with Courteney.Look here comes Phoebe, now one says a thing about this, ok?Itís supposed to be a secret.


Ross:One that you did a great job of keeping Rach.


Rachel:Shut up Phoebe lover.


(Phoebe enters)




All:Hey Pheebs.


Chandler:Youíre walking a little funny there Pheebs, are you ok?Did you pull a muscle?


Phoebe:I worked out really hard last night, Iím sore all over.


Ross:Were you lifting weights?




Ross:Did you go to the gym and work out with weights?


Phoebe:Oh.No, I worked out at home.


Chandler:Yeah, Monica and I work-out together all the time.


Phoebe:And yet youíre still very flabby.




Monica (cutting off Chandler):Has anyone seen Joey?


Phoebe:No, why would we care?


Monica:Are you mad at Joey Phoebe?


Phoebe:No.Not at all.


Rachel:So whatís up with you Phoebe?


Phoebe:I just got a massage to relax my muscles.You guys should go to my new masseuse, sheís really great with her hands.


Ross:Iíve already got someone whoís great with their hands.


Rachel:Thanks honey.


Ross:I was talking about Penny my masseuse.


Rachel:Keep it up dumb ass.


Ross:Iím just kidding.


Phoebe:So what are you guys up to?


Monica:Well I have the flu, and Chandlerís Chandler.


Chandler:Why does that sound so unflattering?


Ross:And Rachel has this secret but she wonít tell us what it is.(Rachel glares at Ross)


Rachel:I made a promise and Iíll keep that promise.


Phoebe:I think Rachel should tell you guys what it is.What do you think Rachel?


Rachel:I wouldnít want to upset the person that told me the secret.


Phoebe:Yeah, but I think that person knew that youíd blab the secret anyway, so I think everyone already knows.


Rachel:Iíd never blab!


Chandler:So Pheebs, you and Joey, pretty cool.


Phoebe (to Rachel):I told you that youíd blab.Yes, Joey and I bumped uglies.




Phoebe:Sexual intercourse.


Chandler:How many times?




Phoebe:32 times.


Ross:No wonder why youíre so sore.


Rachel:Iím impressed.Maybe I will sleep with you Phoebe.


Ross:What about me?


Rachel:You know how to have sex by yourself.You were a geek in high school after all, youíve had plenty of practice.


Ross:You can forget about our baby making plans.


Phoebe:I have to go see Joey, Iíll see you guys later.


Rachel:What are you gonna tell him?


Phoebe:He called me, heís made his decision.


Monica:What is it?


Phoebe:Well let me find out first and then Iíll tell you.


Monica:Sorry, I thought you knew already.


Phoebe:I do, but Joey doesnít know that.




Phoebe: My psychic ability.Itís never failed me yet.Bye.


Chandler:Ten bucks says Joey stays with Courteney.


Monica:We are not betting over this situation.


Chandler:Make it fifty.


Monica:Iím in.


Ross:Iíll take Joey and Phoebe for fifty.


Rachel:You guys are pathetic.


Ross:Are you in or not?


Rachel:Of course Iím in, fifty on Joey and Courteney.


Monica:I thought you said we were pathetic?


Rachel:I did, and then I realized Iím pathetic too.


JOEY & COURTENEYíS APARTMENT (Joey is staring at the wall.Phoebe enters)


Phoebe:Hey Joey!(no answer)Joey!


Joey (depressed):Oh, hey Pheebs.


Phoebe:Whatís up?


Joey:I made my decision.


Phoebe:Oh.By the look of things around here, I see it didnít go over to well.(there are busted dishes on the floor, magazines spread out everywhere, etc.)


Joey:What ya mean, I havenít told Courteney yet.


Phoebe:Then what the hell happened here?


Joey:I did that.I got mad at myself.


Phoebe:Whatís going on Joey?


Joey:Phoebe, I love you.Youíre my closest girlfriend, but we canít have a relationship.I canít risk our friendship, it means too much to me.


Phoebe:Thank God!


Joey:Youíre not crushed?


Phoebe:Thatís what I wanted to here.I really think you should stay with Courteney, sheís perfect for you.


Joey:Thatís the other thing.


Phoebe:Thereís something else?


Joey:Iím breaking my engagement to Courteney.After sleeping with you, I realized that Iím not ready to settle down.I enjoy being a womanizer too much.And besides, if weíre not married at forty, Iím marrying you anyway.


Phoebe:Unless I get married in the meantime.


Joey:Like thatís gonna happen.Are we cool?




Joey:Wanna go to bed?


Phoebe:Joey, Iím not gonna go to bed with you!


Joey:And weíre right back where we started.I love you Phoebe.


Phoebe:I love you too Joey.




ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed talking)


Ross:Can I ask you a question?


Rachel:Sure honey.


Ross:Whatís this?


Rachel:Thatís my, my personal assistant.


Ross:You have sex by yourself too?


Rachel:Sometimes, but only when youíre not around.


Ross:Iím always around.


Rachel:Well we werenít dating two years ago and I needed it then.Can I please have that back?


Ross:Why?You donít need it anymore.


Rachel:If you donít give it back, I will need it.




Rachel:If you donít give it back I wonít let you give me the real thing.Now give it!


Ross (handing it over to her):Are you ready for the real thing?


Rachel:No, I think Iíll go solo tonight.Goodnight.