By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom Friends. This supposedly takes place after “The One With The Embarrassing Songs.” Well, Kristen’s gone- that’s for sure. This fanfic is going to be twice as long because it’s my version of the One-Hour Season Four Finale! To be completely honest- it didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped. But it was more difficult for me writing an original version of a Friends season finale because all the good ideas- such as weddings and hand twins- were already taken. Just apologizing for not doing better. And now- on with the show! Who will get together? Chandler and Monica? . . . Ross and Rachel? Or will no one get together at all . . . Warning- cliffhanger(s).
SCENE A:
(It’s outside the guy’s apartment. Chandler and Joey are conversing.)
CHANDLER: Look Joey, you broke the vase. OK? You break something- you pay for it. “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”
JOEY: (Outraged.) What?! First they rip me off one hundred and fifty bucks and now, now they want my body parts or something?
CHANDLER: Joey, it’s not that hard to understand.
JOEY: Well you obviously don’t know that because you’re not me. (He stands there, hands on his hips, assuming he’s made his point.)
CHANDLER: (Pause.) That . . . is true.
JOEY + CHANDLER: (Enter and they are now inside the apartment. Their eyes widen.)
PHOEBE: (Is lying on the floor, asleep. She has a pillow under her head but she’s wearing normal day clothes- maternity clothes, anyway.)
CHANDLER: (Low-tone.) Hey, isn’t that the bride you ordered?
I don’t mean to be rude or anything but they must’ve delivered her about eight months late. (Indicating Phoebe’s pregnant stomach.)
JOEY: (Glares at Chandler before saying:) How do you think she got down there?
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: You know being so . . . eight months late?
CHANDLER: No clue. But if the ancient Egyptians built the pyramids I suppose this is possible.
JOEY: (He goes over to Phoebe and kneels down in front of her. He pokes her shoulder.) Hey, Phoebs?
PHOEBE: (Still asleep she mumbles:) Run artichoke . . . You still can catch the plane.
JOEY+CHANDLER: (Share a look.)
CHANDLER: Maybe the artichoke helped her down.
JOEY: (Pokes her again.) Phoebe?
PHOEBE: (Still asleep, she mumbles.) I’m telling you, the pink elephants always cost more than the sea urchins. If you had taken the golden fishing hook . . . (pause as she lets out a soft breath) . . . you wouldn’t be in this mess.
JOEY+ CHANDLER: (Pause- as they stare at Phoebe strangely.)
CHANDLER: You sure she’s asleep?
SCENE B:
(It’s Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are there- on the couch. Ross is on the left and Rachel’s on the right.)
RACHEL: Yesterday we had Chinese- but I was thinking of maybe something more- romantic. Around seven, good for you?
ROSS: (Smiling.) Very good. (He kisses her quickly on the mouth.)
GUNTHER: (Is at the counter. He stares at Ross and Rachel in shock. He drops the pitcher of coffee and it falls to the floor. It makes a very loud noise and everyone in Central Perk takes notice.)
RACHEL: (Jumps up and goes over to the counter.) Oh my gosh! Gunther, are you all right?
GUNTHER: (Teeth clenched.) I’m . . . fine.
RACHEL: But the coffee- it spilled all over your foot! Was it hot?
GUNTHER: (Teeth still clenched.) Oh, not so much. Will you excuse me for just a moment?
RACHEL: (Nods.)
GUNTHER: (Limps towards the bathroom, others watching him.)
RACHEL: (Goes over to Ross and plops next to him again.) You think he’ll be OK?
ROSS: (Puts his arm around Rachel.) I’m sure he’ll be fine.
(We heard a sharp-pitched scream from the bathroom.)
ROSS: Well, maybe after the amputation.
PHOEBE: (Enters.)
ROSS: (Notices Phoebe’s entrance.) Hey, Phoebe’s here! That oughtta lighten up the mood, huh? (Nudges Rachel.)
PHOEBE: (Taking at seat in the right chair.) Life sucks!
RACHEL: (To Ross.) I appreciate the effort but I wasn’t all that upset to begin with.
ROSS: (Concerned.) What happened, Phoebs?
PHOEBE: What happened! What happened?! I’ll tell you what happened. I just got off the phone with Frank, he and Alice have separated!
ROSS/RACHEL: (In disbelief.) No!/You’re kidding!
PHOEBE: I wish I was. Can you believe this? I’m carrying my brothers babies and for what?! To bring them into a broken home?!
RACHEL: (Slides over closer to Phoebe and takes her hand.) Oh, honey. It can’t be that bad.
PHOEBE: But it is! And it just got me so mad! I just started kicking things! I- I yelled at a dog and I-I made a meter maid cry!
GUNTHER: (Exits the bathroom. Still limping- but no more clenched teeth.)
RACHEL: Oh Phoebs, I’m sorry. (Takes a cup of coffee off the table and offers it to Phoebe.) Want some? It’s hot- I, I just ordered it.
PHOEBE: Have you not been listening to me? The whole pregnant thing?
RACHEL: Don’t worry. It’s decaff.
PHOEBE: Oh, OK then. (Takes the cup, has a sip and then smiles. She sets the cup down on the table.)
ROSS: Feel better?
PHOEBE: (No longer smiling, she says flatly.) No.
ROSS: (Exasperated.) Phoebe!
PHOEBE: Don’t you “Phoebe,” me! Oh- there you see that? I hate that! That’s what I’m saying- I’m just this terrible, horrible person right now. I even went to McDonalds and caused this big scene about their hamburgers and their brainless, evil, manipulative brains and . . . I just- uggh- I can’t stand myself right now. (Sits back, a sad frown on her face.)
ROSS+RACHEL: (Stare at Phoebe, sympathetic.)
GUNTHER: (Goes over to the table and picks up the cup in the front of Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: That’s mine!
SCENE C:
(It’s the girl’s apartment. Monica’s sitting at the couch, watching TV.)
TV: And you too can have the opportunity of a lifetime! You don’t have to be alone anymore! No more endless series of bad blind dates! No more scavenging through the Singles! No more lonely days sitting on your couch eating cheap chocolates!
MONICA: (Lowers the chocolate she was bringing up to her mouth, stares at it and then at the television.) I wonder if he can see me.
JOEY: (Enters.) Hey Mon! Hug me! (He goes over to Monica excitedly and hugs her.)
MONICA: (Still hugging Joey.) Hey . . . um, why am I hugging you?
JOEY: (Still hugging Monica.) I just had sex.
MONICA: (Let’s go, slightly disgusted.) Please tell me you took a shower.
JOEY: Yeah- but we’re out of soap . . . or maybe Chandler hid it from me again.
MONICA: He hides the soap from you?
JOEY: Well sometimes- yeah. You see, we keep in the upper-right corner of the tub and sometimes he um- switches corners.
MONICA: (Staring at Joey strangely, switches subjects-) So- who’s the new girl?
JOEY: I think it was Cassandra.
MONICA: You think it was Cassandra?
JOEY: (Defensive.) Well she looks a lot like this other girl named Carissa! It’s hard to tell them apart!
MONICA: And when did you see Carissa?
JOEY: Earlier today but Monica you should see her. She’s got sexiest-
MONICA: (Cutting Joey off.) Joey, I’m eating!
JOEY: Hey- chocolate! (He excitedly grabs a piece from a heart-shaped box sitting on the table.) Whoa- whoa! They’re almost gone. (Concerned.) Did you eat all of these?
MONICA: (Shrugs.) Yeah- so what?
JOEY: Well it’s just a pretty weird reaction to a secret admirer.
MONICA: First of all, there’s no secret admirer. Second of all, why would you think eating chocolates that someone gave you is strange?
JOEY: OK- so who’s the guy who gave you these? And it’s pretty unlikely for you to eat a load of candy really quickly.
MONICA: I bought them for myself- and I was hungry!
JOEY: (Skeptical) OK- let me get this straight. You bought chocolates for yourself?
MONICA: (Nods.)
JOEY: And in a heart shaped box?
MONICA: Yeah.
JOEY: For yourself?
MONICA: Do you have a point?
JOEY: Do you want me to set you up?
MONICA: Ahh! (Buries her head into the couch.)
JOEY: No, really. There are some really nice guys that I meet at auditions and stuff.
MONICA: (Sits up and faces Joey.) Joey- what would you say if you ate a box of chocolates- and your friend thought it was strange- and then offered to set you up? I mean how would you feel?
JOEY: I’d feel great.
MONICA: I just realized how stupid it was off me to ask you that question.
SCENE D:
(It’s Phoebe’s apartment. She’s seated on her couch, next to Frank. She’s on the left and he’s on the right.)
PHOEBE: Frank!
Please just call her!
FRANK: Nah- I don’t want to get yelled
at.
PHOEBE: I just talked to her this morning. She’s not going to yell at you. She misses you.
FRANK: But I’d just feel weird about it- you know? I mean, what do you say to your wife- how do you make up all the bad stuff you made happen to her?
PHOEBE: Frank- you returned the tape to the rental place late! That’s not a bad thing- well it isn’t necessarily a good thing- but come on!
FRANK: But she was mad at me.
PHOEBE: Yeah- only because you wouldn’t stop apologizing for something so ridiculous. I just don’t get it. Alice doesn’t get it. Why are you acting like this with her? Apologizing for each and every little thing and then asking for a separation- Frank- this isn’t, this isn’t you!
FRANK: (Looks down.) So you- you wanna know the whole truth?
PHOEBE: Yes. (Crosses her arms.)
FRANK: There’s somebody else.
PHOEBE: (She repeats slowly) There’s somebody else . . . (She realizes) There’s somebody else?! Oh Frank you idiot! You moron! You . . . male!
FRANK: See- now you’re yelling. Think of what Alice would do to me?
PHOEBE: I’ll bet it’s only half of what you deserve! Oh Frank- how could you?
FRANK: I- I’m sorry.
PHOEBE: (More calm.) So . . . what’s her name.
FRANK: Tiffany.
PHOEBE: Tiffany- figures. (She mutters.) Bimbo.
FRANK: She’s really cool- and really smart. She goes to like college and everything.
PHOEBE: What college?
FRANK: Well it’s not really college- it’s um . . . beauty school. But in a couple months she’s gonna try and get a job at Supercuts.
PHOEBE: (Quietly and sympathetic, she puts her hand on top of Frank’s.) Do you love her?
FRANK: No.
PHOEBE: (Loud and scolding.) Then why are you with her?!
FRANK: (Fearful, he scoots away an inch and shrugs.) I don’t know.
PHOEBE: (Through clenched teeth.) Call . . . Alice . . . NOW.
FRANK: Why?
PHOEBE: Because I have your kids in my stomach- and I don’t want them to witness me killing you, OK?
FRANK: (Confused.) But they’re- they’re in the stomach- right? How could they see?
PHOEBE: (Gets up.) You know what- I give up. We give up. And the four of us are off to take a nap.
FRANK: Oh- no wait- I get it, I get it. They can see through the bellybutton!
SCENE E:
(It’s outside Monica’s apartment. Chandler’s standing there, uncertain.)
CHANDLER: (To himself.) So. . . how about we do lunch? Nah- that’s not it. You free for a movie? What I am I, ten? (We hear him think in his head:) Think- think. What would Joey do? . . . Oh my gosh, I really am desperate.
(In the girls’ apartment. Monica’s wiping off the table while Rachel is walking towards the door.)
RACHEL: (Pauses and turns to Monica.) Do I look OK?
MONICA: (Not looking up.) For the thirty-seventh time, yes you look fine.
RACHEL: You didn’t even look!
MONICA: Look Rachel- Ross wouldn’t care if you were wearing a potato sack.
RACHEL: What makes you think I’m going to see Ross?
MONICA: The fact that you’ve been talking about him non-stop all day. (Mimicking Rachel.) “Do you think Ross would like this skirt? Do you think Ross likes my hair up or down?”
RACHEL: Well- do you think he will? (Pats her skirt.)
MONICA: He’s male, OK? I doesn’t take much to turn him on. Just as long as you’re not wearing a muumuu- he’s gonna like it.
RACHEL: (Skeptical.) Monica, would you like me to set you up?
MONICA: (Annoyed.) Why do people keep asking me that?
RACHEL: No, I mean it. You’re view of men is becoming increasingly negative.
MONICA: Hey I’m positive. I’m cheerful. (She puts on a big smile.) See? (Stares at the floor.) I’m not even . . . noticing the three cheerios Ross dropped on my kitchen floor this morning. (Frowns before posting a fake smile on her face and looks back up at Rachel.) And I’m in no way relating his careless clumsiness to the fact that he’s male.
RACHEL: Just pick them up. You know what I think is causing this?
MONICA: (While picking up the three cheerios.) Ross’s apathetic little brain?
RACHEL: Not that- well not what you meant about the cheerios and all but- yeah what you just said. (Pause.) I don’t know how to explain this.
MONICA: (Stands up but inspects the floor.) Then don’t.
RACHEL: It’s not about the whole deal with Ross and the cheerios- it’s about your hatred of ...men. The reason you have this hatred is because you’re always hanging out with the two male stereotypes across the hall.
MONICA: (Defensive.) You hang out with them too.
RACHEL: Yes but not all the time. I have a life.
MONICA: (Stares at Rachel angrily.)
RACHEL: (Pauses to reflect on what she just said.) OK, it wasn’t supposed to come out that way. What I meant was. . .How about we get together tomorrow and watch Oprah?
MONICA: (Throws the cheerios in the trash before wiping again.) Clever. But why don’t you go save the smart-ass comments for Ross, OK?
RACHEL: OK, I’m going, I’m going. (Goes over to the door.)
MONICA: And I want details when you get back.
RACHEL: Hey, it’s just two friends hanging out. There are no details. (She opens the door.)
CHANDLER: (Looking down, not noticing Rachel, still reciting lines.) I mean we could make a night of it- and afterwards we could- (looks up and notices Rachel) ummmm-(Hoping to play it off.) Hey Rach, how’s it going?
RACHEL: (She closes the door behind her. Peering at Chandler, curious.) Fine . . . is there someone around here or something?
CHANDLER: No- no. Why would you think that?
RACHEL: Then why are standing outside our door talking to yourself?
CHANDLER: I was just um- discussing about what I’m going to do tonight.
RACHEL: Oh really?
CHANDLER: (Nods.)
RACHEL: By yourself?
CHANDLER: Yeah- well, I’m a little indecisive. (He scuffs his foot against the floor and then looks up.) Monica home?
RACHEL: (Staring at Chandler strangely.) Right in there.
CHANDLER: (Enters the apartment. Closes the door.)
RACHEL: (Stares at closed door.) Oh, Ross right. (Makes her way down the hall.)
(Inside the girls’ apartment.)
MONICA: Hey. (She’s now wiping the counter.)
CHANDLER: Hi.
(An awkward silence.)
CHANDLER: So I guess you heard I broke up with Kristen.
MONICA: (Unemotional.) Yes, I did. (Stops wiping at stares at Chandler.)
CHANDLER: So um . . . how are you?
MONICA: (Not paying very much attention to Chandler.) I’m good.
CHANDLER: (Takes a deep breath.) What are you doing tonight?
MONICA: (Looks up, curious.) Huh?
CHANDLER: I mean um- are you going to be busy at say . . . eight?
MONICA: (Pause.) Why?
CHANDLER: Because I was- I was wondering that if- well if you were hungry we could . . . we could . . . (closes his eyes and blurts out) have dinner?
MONICA: (Slightly surprised yet pleased.) All right.
CHANDLER: (Opens his eyes and stares at Monica, very surprised.) Really?
MONICA: (Nods.)
CHANDLER: Wow. This is great. (Goes over to Monica and stands in front of her.)
MONICA: (Smiles.) I know.
CHANDLER: (Taking her hand.) Yeah we can finally. . . talk.
MONICA: And where are we going to um- talk?
CHANDLER: Well I was pretty sure you were going to shoot me down but just to be on the safe side I made reservations at five places.
MONICA: (Takes a few steps back from Chandler.) OK, enough with the stupid eating habit jokes. I do not eat that much!
CHANDLER: (Nervous.) No off course not- I didn’t mean to- what I meant was-
MONICA: (Cutting Chandler off.) Chandler, I was kidding. (She takes his hand.)
CHANDLER: (Softer, staring at Monica.) Oh.
PHOEBE: (Enters.) Uggh! This is just the crappiest day!
CHANDLER+MONICA: (Jump apart.)
MONICA: Talk with Frank didn’t go well?
PHOEBE: No, it went well. It went better than well. To add on to my fun-filled day, Frank is seeing another woman!
MONICA: Are you serious?
CHANDLER: Yeah. . .how could Frank get another woman?
MONICA: (Goes over to Phoebe and sits down next to her.) I’m sorry honey. I know how hard this must be for you- watching your brother go through marital problems.
PHOEBE: (Soft voice.) Yeah it is- I really care about him, you know? He’s my brother and I love him. (Frustrated.) How could he do this?! (Bitter.) Why is he such a brainless idiot?!
SCENE F:
(Ross’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are on the couch . . . kissing.)
(The sound of a fairly heavy object falling is heard.)
RACHEL: I think Ben’s awake.
ROSS: (Not caring.) Good for him. (Kisses Rachel again.)
RACHEL: Ross, he could knock over some of your . . . dinosaur bones or something.
ROSS: (Distracted with kissing Rachel.) Carol’s going to be here any second.
(A knock is heard on the door.)
ROSS: (Proud.) See?
ROSS+RACHEL: (Go up to the door and open it.)
(Carol’s standing there with Susan.)
ROSS: Hey Carol! (Kisses her on the cheek. In a less warm tone- he asks:) What is uh- Susan doing here?
SUSAN: (Smug.) Susan is just picking up our son. That we three all share together . . . including Susan.
ROSS: (Sarcastic.) Now that makes me feel special.
CAROL: (Curious.) Hey. . . Rachel. Anyone else from the gang around here? (Scopes out the place.)
RACHEL: Hi Carol- Susan. Nope it’s just me!
CAROL: (Knowingly.) Oh . . .Ben asleep?
ROSS: No, he’s awake. Let me get him. (Goes over to his room.)
CAROL: (Knowingly.) So . . . what’s up with you guys.
RACHEL: Nothing- nothing. We’re just friends.
SUSAN: (Mutters.) Very intimate friends.
RACHEL: Why doesn’t anybody seem to believe me when I say that?
CAROL: Oh I believe you. Could you do me a favor though?
RACHEL: Yes, what?
CAROL: After you guys fight tonight- could you call me? I just want to unplug my phone. I don’t think I can stand another night of Ross leaving twenty-four messages.
RACHEL: (Glares at Carol.)
ROSS: (Exits his room leading Ben by the hand.) Now he’s a little dazed right now so be sure he doesn’t like- walk into a mailbox while you guys are heading for the cab.
BEN: (Rubs his eyes.)
SUSAN: (Concerned.) Why is he dazed?
ROSS: (Sheepish.) He tripped over a book he knocked over in my room.
CAROL: Were you uh- distracted when this happened?
ROSS: Perhaps. . .
SUSAN: (Slightly disgusted.) OK, we gotta go.
ROSS: Really, so soon?
SUSAN: (Opens her mouth to speak.) We-
ROSS: (Cuts her off.) OK bye!
CAROL: OK, goodbye Ross. Bye Rachel.
SUSAN: Bye!
RACHEL: Bye!
BEN: Bye Dad! *It’s rare that we hear Ben talk- but the kid is so cute, huh?
SUSAN+CAROL+BEN: (Exit.)
ROSS+RACHEL: (Stare at each other for a moment.)
ROSS: (Pulling Rachel closer to him by her waist.) So- where were we? (Leans in to kiss her.)
RACHEL: (Before he can kiss her.) Dinner.
ROSS: (Confused.) Huh?
RACHEL: Weren’t we supposed to get dinner?
ROSS: (In disbelief.) You really wanna . . . eat?
RACHEL: Um . . . yeah.
ROSS: I didn’t get any reservation though.
RACHEL: You forgot?
ROSS: No I just thought that-
RACHEL: (Slightly annoyed.) You just assumed what?
ROSS: That um, um (off Rachel’s irritated glance) that I would um- cook you dinner tonight.
RACHEL: Oh Ross, that’s so sweet. (Hugs him.)
ROSS: (During the hug.) Oh it’s no problem. (He wears a worried expression on his face.)
RACHEL: (Breaks the hug.) So what are we having?
ROSS: (Makes his way into his kitchen an opens his refrigerator.) How about uhhhh- ummmm- zucchini casserole?
RACHEL: (Content.) Sure.
ROSS: (Encouraged, he continues.) And err- a tossed salad?
RACHEL: Nice. (Sits at the table.)
ROSS: And um- (hopeful) biscuits?
RACHEL: (Frowning.) OK . . .
ROSS: And cake for desert!
RACHEL: Ross honey- that all sound wonderful but isn’t it an- um . . .
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: Odd combination?
ROSS: Well, I thought you wanted this night to be unique.
SCENE G:
(It’s the guys’ apartment. Joey is sitting at the bar, eating. Phoebe’s lying on the floor, a pillow underneath her head.)
PHOEBE: Oh I just feel so negative. (Her eyes open in realization.) Oh, it’s as if Ursula has taken over my body.
JOEY: Come on Phoebs, be realistic. Ursula’s not pregnant.
PHOEBE: Joey, I’m just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can fix this.
JOEY: Maybe you should just keep out of it. I mean it’s their fight.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but what if they end up getting a divorce? Where would the kids go? Frank couldn’t take care of them by himself and neither could Alice. And the kids would be switching houses all the time and someday- they’d end up like Chandler. I can’t just let this happen- I will not let my nephews and my niece end up like Chandler! (Pause.) Where is Chandler anyway?
JOEY: He left for that date of his with some chick named . . . Veronica.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah. I wonder how that’s going.
SCENE H:
(It’s a fairly classy restaurant. You can picture it anyway you’d like. Chandler and Monica are seated at a table. Chandler is on the left, Monica is on the right. They seem very uncomfortable.)
CHANDLER: So um- how was your day?
MONICA: Good . . . yours?
CHANDLER: Great.
MONICA: (Nods.) Good.
CHANDLER: Yeah- good.
SCENE I:
(It’s Ross’s place. Rachel is sitting at the table, expectant. Ross is scurrying around the kitchen.)
RACHEL: (Slightly whiny.) Ross, is it done yet? I’m hungry.
ROSS: Just a minute honey. Almost done here. (He exits the kitchen carrying a tray.)
RACHEL: Wow- fancy.
ROSS: I know. (Dims the lights.)
RACHEL: Why the lights?
ROSS: Oh, you know me. I’m romantic. (Sets down the tray on the table. He sets a plate for Rachel and a plate for himself. He sets a glass beside her plate and his as well. He puts a bowl in the center of the table.)
RACHEL: (Peering at her plate.) What’s this?
ROSS: (Hopeful.) Dinner.
RACHEL: No I mean what is this? (Points at her plate.)
ROSS: (Intimidated but trying to cover it up.) Your uh- zucchini casserole.
RACHEL: Ross- (holds up the so-called “zucchini casserole”) –this is not a zucchini casserole.
ROSS: Yuh-huh.
RACHEL: Uh-uh! No Ross, this is a pickle wrapped in a tortilla!
ROSS: Well it may appear so but-
RACHEL: And- and! What the hell is this? (Points to the bowl in the center of the table.)
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: Are these supposed to be the “biscuits”? These are saltine crackers!
ROSS: (Sheepish.) It’s not like there’s much of a difference. It’s just a little flatter and uh crispier- go ahead, try one.
RACHEL: I’ve tasted crackers before, thank you very much. (Stares at her plate again.) Oh my gosh! The tossed salad is a leaf of lettuce with like a teaspoon of ranch dressing on it! (Gets up.)
ROSS: I was running low on vegetables. (Gets up.)
RACHEL: And my slice of cake has little cars drawn on it with frosting!
ROSS: Yeah um- you see Ben’s friend had a party and-
RACHEL: (Cutting Ross off.) No Ross! I don’t want to hear it! This night was supposed to be special!
ROSS: Well- it was unique.
RACHEL: Oh that’s funny. Ross, you made me wait an hour for this! Right now I’m so hungry I could eat- I could eat you! In fact I’m debating it!
ROSS: So you’re upset about being hungry? I can have a pizza rushed over here and-
RACHEL: No Ross- it’s not just that. It’s that you didn’t care enough to remember to make the reservations for us to have dinner! It’s that instead of just admitting it- you put up this ridiculous scene! Did you actually think I would buy this? I mean- Who are you, Joey?!
ROSS: (Pause.) Do you have idea how much that last question just scared me?
RACHEL: I’m leaving. (Grabs her coat off the couch and approaches the door.)
ROSS: Rachel, wait! (He puts his hand on her arm.)
RACHEL: What?!
ROSS: I did care- I do care about us having a romantic dinner. And if I had thought that we were going to I- I would have made the reservations.
RACHEL: Why didn’t you think we were going to have dinner?
ROSS: Well earlier- I guess I may have misinterpreted some of your signals and I thought that tonight we were . . .
RACHEL: (Hand on hip.) We were what?
ROSS: (Reluctant.) Going to have- no, make- no,- ummm, sleep together.
(Rachel stares at Ross for a moment.)
RACHEL: Men just don’t know when to stop, do they? (Exits.)
SCENE J:
(It’s the guys’ apartment. Joey and Phoebe are now both lying on the floor, Joey on the left and Phoebe on the right, head to head, no pillows. If anyone doesn’t understand this picture I can give you a quick example:
-00-
The zeros are Joey and Phoebe’s heads and the lines their bodies. )
JOEY: Maybe I could hit on Tiffany.
PHOEBE: How would that help?
JOEY: I don’t know- is she cute?
PHOEBE: (Puts her hand on her forehead.) My brain- it’s, it’s slowing dissolving.
JOEY: No kidding? Chandler says that about me all the time. What does it mean?
PHOEBE: Joey shhh! It may turn into dust.
JOEY: (Confused.) What may?
PHOEBE: My brain!
JOEY: Why would it do that?
PHOEBE: Because you’re contagious.
(A pause.)
JOEY: But what about-
PHOEBE: (Cutting Joey off.) Why isn’t anyone else back yet?!
JOEY: Come on Phoebe, that’s not concentrating. We’re supposed to be thinking of a way to get Frank and Alice back together.
PHOEBE: No- you’re right. You’re right. I just wish we could come up with something better than you hitting on Tiffany.
JOEY: What could be better than that? At least from her viewpoint.
PHOEBE: Joey, can’t you just . . . Hey- it could work.
JOEY: (Sitting up.) What could?
PHOEBE: You hitting on Tiffany! It would break up her relationship with Frank and then he would have to go back to Alice. It’s perfect! Yay!
JOEY: OK- Yay. Where does Tiffany live or hang out at?
PHOEBE: I . . . (realizes and the says disappointed:) didn’t ask.
JOEY: You know there are chances that I may have dated her before.
PHOEBE: Huh?
JOEY: Hold on a second. (Goes into his room and comes back out quickly with a little black book.) Here.
PHOEBE: (Holding the book over her head so she can see it.) Wow- you keep a book of all your girlfriends?
JOEY: Yeah, 26 in fact.
PHOEBE: What?
JOEY: Well that’s just the “T” book.
PHOEBE: But Joey, Frank said that Tiffany’s last name was Mil- Mel- M something. We need the M book.
JOEY: No, I don’t alphabetize the girls through their last names. I use their first names.
PHOEBE: Why?
JOEY: First names are easier to spell.
SCENE K:
(It’s the restaurant in which Chandler and Monica are eating dinner at. They are poking at their food.)
CHANDLER: So uh- beautiful weather tonight, huh?
MONICA: I wouldn’t know- we’re inside.
CHANDLER: Oh . . . yeah.
CHANDLER: (We hear him thinking:) OK, what the hell is going on here? I’m on date with a woman I haven’t been able to get out of my head for the past couple on months and now I’m here- I’m with her- and it is so awkward that I just want to run out of here- of New York- of the country . . . Oh my gosh, will you look at that door! I’ve never seen a more beautiful thing in my life!
MONICA: (We hear her thinking:) What is wrong with me? I can never be attracted to the right guy. Why Chandler? I mean he has been one of my closest friends for so long now we’re on date and we haven’t even gotten to the second base of small talk- I mean we’ve known each other for eleven years! (*Author’s note: At Season 4/1997-1998 Monica would’ve been around 28- maybe 29. I’m assuming she was about 17 when she met Chandler because “The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks” says that she met him in 1987.) What am I doing? This is terrible- nothing could make this more depressing.
A GROUP OF WAITERS + WAITRESSES: (Approach the table. Two carrying a tray with a cake on it. They set down the tray and begin to sing.) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Dianna, happy birthday to you.
ROOM: (Applauds.)
MONICA: (Terribly embarrassed, she whispers to the group.) Um- I’m not Dianna.
WAITRESS: What?
MONICA: (Raising her voice.) I’m not Dianna.
WAITER: Excuse me?
MONICA: (Loud.) I’m not Diana!
CHANDLER: (Stares at his plate.)
ROOM: (Stares at Monica.)
GROUP: (Murmurs various forms of “So sorry,” and “We apologize.” They walk off.)
CHANDLER+MONICA: (Stare at each other and laugh uneasily before returning their attention to their food.)
CHANDLER: (We hear him thinking:) Could this night be any worse?
VOICE: Oh-my-gosh! (*Author’s note: I know it’s supposed to be God- but I’m Christian so . . .)
(Janice is standing a few feet away from the table, her husband Gary behind her.)
CHANDLER: (Aloud- he mutters:) I had to ask.
(*Author’s Note: You may be thinking- Janice thinks Chandler is in Yemen or/and Janice divorced Gary a second time- didn’t she? Well in my version- no she didn’t. This is because my fanfic series started off after “The One With Rachel’s Crush” meaning that in my version “The One With All The Rugby” a.k.a. The Yemen Episode- never happened.)
SCENE L:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Phoebe and Joey are no longer on the floor. They are in the chairs- Joey in his own chair and Phoebe in Chandler’s.)
PHOEBE: (While she is reading a black book.) So Tiffany Minger’s not home?
JOEY: No. It doesn’t matter anyway- she’s probably around twenty-five right now . . . not nineteen.
PHOEBE: (Sets the book down.) Then why did you call her?
JOEY: I forgot. Phoebe you’re just way too tense. Relax- my black book collection is better than the phone book . . . chick-wise.
PHOEBE: (Relaxed, she returns to the book.) Hey- who’s this? (Points to a name in the book.)
JOEY: (Goes over to see what Phoebe’s pointing to.) Oh that’s you. F-I-B-I Fibi- Phoebe.
PHOEBE: That’s not how you spell my name. And why am I in your chick-books anyway?
JOEY: Well, are you female?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
JOEY: Are you hot?
PHOEBE: (Smug.) Well- most think so.
JOEY: Then you’re in the book.
RACHEL: (Swings the door open. Kicks a basketball that lies in front of her feet.) Uggh! Stupid immature boys with their stupid immature . . . balls!
PHOEBE: (To Joey.) Maybe she heard you.
RACHEL: I’m taking your electric blanket, Joey. (Goes into his room.)
JOEY: Hey! You can’t just take my stuff without asking!
RACHEL: (Comes back out of his room with a blue blanket.) Just be happy I’m telling you.
JOEY: (Looks confused.)
RACHEL: I was just with Ross.
JOEY: (Sighs, understanding.) OK, so maybe you can.
PHOEBE: (Looking through another black book.) Hey- you have Rachel in here too!
RACHEL: Me in where?
JOEY: (Eyes Phoebe and the book nervously.) Nothing important- never mind.
RACHEL: Wait- what are you looking at Phoebe? (Goes over to Phoebe and snatches the book from her hand.)
RACHEL: (Reading.) The. . . “R” book? Why I am I in here? And what does this blue star mean by my name?
PHOEBE: Trust me- you don’t wanna know.
RACHEL: (Stares at Joey, expectant and angry.)
JOEY: (Sighs and reluctantly admits:) Uh- the blue ones mark off chest size.
RACHEL: (Stares at Joey, appalled.)
PHOEBE: If it’s any consolation- a star is very high.
SCENE M:
(It’s the hallway. Chandler and Monica are entering. Monica has her hand on her forehead and both look pretty exhausted.)
MONICA: (In front of her apartment.) I have the worst headache in the world. I feel like my brain has been run over by a truck like seventeen times.
CHANDLER: Ah, now imagine dating that truck about seventeen thousand times.
MONICA: Yes but you fell in love with that truck.
CHANDLER: Well the truck married a pinto so- what are you gonna do?
MONICA: (Laughs and then says quietly.) Thank you. I had a um- nice time tonight.
CHANDLER: Ha-hum . . lying.
MONICA: I am not!
CHANDLER: You are too- it sucked. I thought it sucked. In fact, this so-called “date” was in fact one of the worst nights of my life! I was like the date from hell!
MONICA: (Annoyed and sarcastic.) Gee- thank you too for the lovely evening. This must be the most magical part.
CHANDLER: No, you know what I mean. It had nothing to do with you. You did your best to try to get a conversation vibe going on.
MONICA: Yeah- but why didn’t it?
CHANDLER: (Sits down on the step in the hallway.) I don’t know. Truth is, Monica I haven’t been able to get my mind off of you these past few months and when we finally do go take that step- it backfired. It’s very ironic.
MONICA: (Sits beside him.) Yes, it is.
CHANDLER: I’m not sure what went wrong but- something did.
MONICA: (Puts her hand on top of his.) Nothing went wrong Chandler. I realized tonight that things are finally right. We’re friends again. We don’t have to be awkward, or jealous, or-or fighting. Things are back to normal.
CHANDLER: I suppose if you call me playing with the salt and pepper shakers normal.
MONICA: Tell me the truth- aren’t you just a little relieved?
CHANDLER: Maybe . . . a lot actually.
MONICA: (Gets up.) OK then. We’re finally good. We took that step and got it out of our system. (Goes over to the door of the girl’s apartment.)
CHANDLER: Monica?
MONICA: (Turns to face Chandler.) Yes?
CHANDLER: I just want to that um- although I’m really relieved things will be getting back to normal, I do get the feeling that I’m missing out on something really great.
MONICA: (Smiles, touched. She enters the girls’ apartment and closes the door behind her.)
(The girls’ apartment. Rachel’s sitting at the table. A box of pizza and an opened pint of ice cream laid in front of her.)
RACHEL: (Eating a bite of ice cream on a spoon.) Don’t you hate men?
MONICA: (To Rachel, smiling cheerfully.) What?
RACHEL: Men! Aren’t they just the despicable breed? The scum of the earth!
MONICA: (Happy.) Whatever. (Pause.) Do we have any apple pie?
RACHEL: (Taking notice to Monica’s clothes.) Why are you all dressed up?
MONICA: I went to go check out a new restaurant that uh- my friend opened.
RACHEL: OK, you didn’t eat too much did you because I’m looking forward to an evening of all the foods we forbid ourselves to eat. I’m also looking forward to listing every little detail about why we dislike men.
MONICA: I don’t dislike men.
RACHEL: (Staring at Monica in shock.) What?! NO! What happened to the Monica from earlier today? The bitter cynical Monica! (Goes over to Monica and shakes her by the shoulders.) I love that Monica- I need that Monica.
MONICA: (Staring closely at Rachel.) You and Ross ad a fight, didn’t you?
RACHEL: (Dry.) How’d you guess?
MONICA: Over what?
RACHEL: A zucchini casserole.
MONICA: OK- is that like some strange metaphor or something because if so it is really gross.
RACHEL: Ew! Monica no! You see, Ross and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. He thought I was going to sleep with him so to try to cover it up and he wrapped a pickle with a tortilla and-
MONICA: (Interrupts Rachel.) Whoa- OK. You lost me again.
RACHEL: Monica! Keep up, I just broke up with Ross for the third time!
MONICA: Hey, I warned you not to get back together!
RACHEL: But I love him!
(Awkward pause.)
MONICA: (Quiet.) Then I’m not the one you should be talking to.
SCENE N:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Phoebe’s on the phone and sitting in Chandler’s chair. Joey’s sitting on the chair- watching Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: No Frank- what was her last name- not middle name . . . let’s go over this again.
JOEY: C’mon Phoebe. Can’t I just go to sleep yet? Chandler got to go to bed and on a date and I’ve been stuck here all night helping you- (catches Phoebe’s glare)- my cool friend reconcile her brother’s marriage.
PHOEBE: (On the phone.) What do you mean why I would want to know?. . . I’m your sister you little buttmunch!
JOEY: (Impressed.) Wow, you guys really are brother and sister now.
PHOEBE: (On the phone.) Frank if you don’t tell me this very second I’m calling your mother! . . . OK so that’s Meloni . . . M-e-l-o-n-i. (She writes it down on a post-it on top of one of Joey’s little black books on her knee.) OK, bye Frank . . . yeah I love you too. Bye! (Hangs up.) Yay! Joey I did it! I got her last name! I- Joey? (Looks around and spot Joey by the window, holding up a piece of paper.) Joey?
JOEY: (Turns around and sticks paper behind his back.) What?
PHOEBE: (Walking over to him and standing in front of him.) What have you got there, Joey?
JOEY: Nothing. . .
PHOEBE: Oh! Give me that! (Snatches it from him. Reading it out loud:) “Help, I’ve been kidnapped”- oh no Joey!
JOEY: What? It’s just a joke. It’s not like I was actually looking for help or something.
PHOEBE: No but Joey! People could think I actually kidnapped you or something! Well not me- they’ll probably blame Chandler. No- they’d believe that you kidnapped Chandler.
JOEY: Phoebe! I don’t get it! Who would be stupid enough to believe me?
PHOEBE: No! This happened to before. In the fifth grade we all had to go on this field trip- right- and we got on the bus and along the way my friend Joey-
JOEY: (Interrupts Phoebe.) Joey?
PHOEBE: Yeah- eerie coincidence huh? He thought it would be cool if I help up a sign on a sheet of paper that read: “Help me. I’ve been kidnapped,” and the cops actually stopped the bus.
JOEY: (Raising his eyebrows.) Really?
PHOEBE: Yeah! And my friend Ross had told me over and over that it was a bad idea and all but I just didn’t listen. And Monica, his little sister, got really mad at me because I spilled some crumbs on her while I was eating a cracker that Chandler gave me and-
JOEY: (cutting Phoebe off.) Phoebe, how come all our names are-
PHOEBE: (cutting Joey off) Shh! I’m almost done! Anyway, Monica almost ripped up the paper. But then she decided she was angrier at Rachel because Rachel had messed up her Barbie’s hair- so the paper went up. . . and the cops came. And then this really huge evil paperclip came to destroy my pet chinchilla and . . . you know what, I think this was a dream.
SCENE O:
(It’s the girls’ apartment. Rachel’s on the couch, staring at the phone. Monica’s sitting on the chair in front of the window.)
RACHEL: Why hasn’t he called?
MONICA: Rachel, it’s three o’clock in the morning. He’s either asleep or talking to Carol about you. Why don’t you just call him?
RACHEL: No! He did the bad thing this time. There are no excuses- there were no breaks. It’s his turn to apologize! I didn’t even write him a letter.
MONICA: But you’re going to.
RACHEL: Of course I’m going to! What am I supposed to do? He’s not calling me!
MONICA: You have two options. A. Go to bed. B. Call him.
RACHEL: (Gets up.) I’m going to see him.
MONICA: Oh my gosh! If would be hurting your pride to call him but showing up at his apartment at three o’clock in the morning isn’t pushing obsessive?!
RACHEL: (Grabs her coat and exits, ignoring Monica.)
PHOEBE: (Enters as Rachel exits.) Rachel where- whoa! (To Monica.) What’s up with her?
MONICA: She’s going to see Ross.
PHOEBE: Oh. So where were you tonight? (Walks over to Monica.)
MONICA: A new restaurant opened. You?
PHOEBE: Joey and I figured out a way to rid of Tiffany.
MONICA: How?
PHOEBE: Joey’s going to hit on her. Frank will be back with Alice in no time.
MONICA: How is that a solution?
PHOEBE: Joey’s going to hit on Tiffany. What better plan could there be?
MONICA: Just because Joey hits on Tiffany doesn’t mean that she’s going to keep away from Frank. She may want to keep them both- did you ever think of that?
PHOEBE: (Face falls.) No.
MONICA: (Regretful.) Oh, Phoebe I’m so sorry. (Hugs Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: Monica, these babies- they’re my life. I know I won’t get to keep them forever but right now they’re so important to me. I can’t have their parents be separated or divorced- I just can’t. What if the kids end up like- like Chandler!
MONICA: (Smiles.) You know, I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. (Lets go of Phoebe and they stare warmly at each other.)
PHOEBE: I know, just trying to bring a small joke into this big mess.
SCENE P:
(It’s the guys’ apartment. Monica enters.)
CHANDLER: (Turns his chair towards her direction.) Couldn’t sleep?
MONICA: (Shakes her head.) No. Have you talked to Phoebe?
CHANDLER: When I got back from (clears his throat) our date I did. She and Joey were dialing like a hundred Tiffany girls’ numbers.
MONICA: I’m worried about her. She wants to know that her nieces or nephews . . . or both are going to be OK.
CHANDLER: (Nods.) Do you want something to drink?
MONICA: No- I’m fine.
CHANDLER: OK.
(An awkward pause.)
MONICA: (Walks over to Chandler.)
CHANDLER: (Gets up.)
MONICA: (Wraps his arms around his neck and kisses him.)
CHANDLER: (Wraps his arms around Monica’s by waist.)
CHANDLER: (The kiss slows down for a moment and then Chandler pulls back very slowly. He lets go of Monica.) I thought we were just friends.
MONICA: (Slides her arms from his neck.) We are. But then again- why was it awkward?
CHANDLER+MONICA: (Stare at each other.)
SCENE Q:
(Inside Ross’s apartment. We see the door. We hear a loud knock on the door. Ross goes to answer it- he’s in sweats.)
RACHEL: (Slightly cold.) Hey.
ROSS: (Just as cold.) Well hello to you too.
RACHEL: I just wanted to tell you about how upset you made me today and-
ROSS: (Unemotional, he cuts Rachel off.) I think you’ve made your point.
RACHEL: (Startled.) And um- (starts to get louder) I can’t believe that you would-
ROSS: (Interrupts her.) Don’t yell at me Rachel, I’m tired of being yelled at.
RACHEL: (Stares at Ross, surprised.)
ROSS: You came over here to give me the opportunity to apologize to you- again. Am I correct?
RACHEL: (Voice soft and insistent.) No Ross, I-
ROSS: (Cuts Rachel off.) I do stupid things Rachel. I’m human- I, I make mistakes. I slept with another woman. I misunderstood you and in attempt to not look stupid- I made a ridiculous fake dinner. Oh yeah, and I wrote a list about all of your flaws. I even fell asleep while reading an eighteen-page letter and attempted to cover that up. I’m to blame, right? Well you have my permission to blame me all you want. But I’m not apologizing anymore. You know I’m sorry. But I just don’t know how to prove it you.
RACHEL: (Stares at Ross, shocked.)
(Scene ends.)
-
(*Author’s note: I apologize so much for this fanfic. If you have a moment of free time please write me telling me what you thought of it. I know it wasn’t nearly as funny as Friends is supposed to be. Suggestions are very helpful. Don’t worry, I’ll make up for this with the regular humor instead of this unnatural drama in the future episodes.
-I’d also like to apologize for one more thing. I’ve never mentioned this before even though I always intended to. My fanfic series begins after “The One With Rachel’s Crush.” But in my fanfic series you are told that Phoebe is having triplets, however, the storyline that Phoebe was having triplets was never introduced in “The One With Rachel’s Crush.” I just wanted to start my fanfics series after that because it had all the good stuff that would lead to interesting plotlines. Joshua to lead to sexual tension between Ross and Rachel. And of course, Chandler just breaking up with Kathy. In “The One With Joey’s Dirty Day”- which is after “The One With Rachel’s Crush”- Chandler gets over Kathy pretty quickly and Ross meets . . . Emily. Now I couldn’t start anywhere after that episode because then that steals away my C&M and R&R plots! So just keep on pretending that somehow- someway the fact that Phoebe was pregnant with triplets was introduced in “The One With Rachel’s Crush.” Now if you’ve stuck around to read this boring explanation- Thanks- I appreciate it.)