OPENING CREDITS
SCENE B:
(The girl’s place.Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Monica’s
looking at Chandler worryingly and Chandler’s reading a magazine, downcast.Chandler’s
on the left, Monica on the right.Joey is sitting at the table with a half-eaten
sandwich in his hands.
MONICA:Chandler this is your third sick day.Your boss is probably going
to fire you.
CHANDLER:So, how bad is it to lose a job that you hate?
MONICA:Aren’t you going to at least have lunch?
CHANDLER:Nah.
JOEY:No problem, I’ll eat it!
MONICA:Ice cream?
JOEY:Now you’re talking!
MONICA:(Pointedly.)To Chandler.
JOEY:Why does he get all the attention?
MONICA:He just broke up with his girlfriend!Besides, aren’t you already
eating lunch?
JOEY:(Sniffs at what she said.)Lunch?Boy have you got a lot to learn.This
is my appetizer.
MONICA:An appetizer for lunch that is a lunch!I mean my gosh Joey how
much do you eat all day?What’s up with that?
JOEY:Hey, I eat only what I need!Now what’s up with you neglecting
the rest of the meal?Let’s get this party moving people.
MONICA:Why don’t you just grab some girl at Central Perk and head over
to Sizzler?
(Chandler looks amused.)
JOEY:That’s a great idea Monica!If I didn’t know any better, I’d think
you were an lesbian!
MONICA:All right, that’s it!You are out of here! (She gets up and begins
to walk over to Joey.)
JOEY:(Gets up and backs up towards the door with his half eaten sandwich
in his right hand.)I was just saying how smart you are. What gives?
MONICA:Out!
JOEY:Don’t have to tell me twice.I know when I’m not wanted.(He exits.)
MONICA:(Turns to face Chandler.)Now I know he’s your best friend and
everything, but don’t you sometimes just want to-
(A knock on the door cuts Monica off.She walks over to the door and
yanks it open)
JOEY:(Sheepishly.)Can I borrow a twenty?
MONICA:Out!(Slams the door.)
ROSS:(Exits the bathroom.)What was that all about?
MONICA:(Sighs.)My last nerve.(Looks at Chandler and narrows her eyes.)Which
is going to blow if you don’t eat something!
(Ross goes into the refrigerator and grabs a yogurt, a spoon from the
drawer, and proceeds to eat the yogurt.)
CHANDLER:Hey if it makes you feel any better I’ll switch to the food
channel, OK?
MONICA:It’s blown!
(Rachel enters as Monica’s saying this.)
RACHEL:What’s blown?
MONICA:(Ultrasonic.)My last nerve!My temper! Between the missing fork
from my silverware, and Joey being-well Joey, and Chandler’s fasting, and
. . .(notices Ross)Ross not eating over the sink!(To Ross.)Oh my gosh,
what is wrong with you?
RACHEL:Oh, I had a great day to!Joshua came over and I managed to delay
him for two hours and I got him to come back later today. Can you believe
that?He is all mine! Oh and he looks so good in everything I put on him.I
have never seen a man look so good in a brown leather jacket and a pair
of black slacks in my life.(She squeals with delight.)
CHANDLER:See I told you guys you shouldn’t let her watch so much crappy
teen shows.They’ve gone to her brain.
RACHEL:Ha-ha.Very funny.Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go figure
out my outfit for five-thirty.
ROSS:Rach it’s only 3 in the afternoon.
RACHEL:OK, people.Did you not hear me?This is Joshua we’re talking
about.Time is of the essence!
ROSS:(Mimicking Rachel.)"Time is of the essence!" ( He sets the yogurt
and spoon next to Monica’s sink and angrily exits the apartment.)
SCENE C:
(Central Perk.Joey enters.Naturally we presume he’s searching for a
date to Sizzler.He glances around and then sees Phoebe sitting at the counter.He
walks over to her.)
JOEY:Hey Phoebs!
PHOEBE:Oh yay!Joey!Want some?(Holds out a plastic baggie with two pickles
in it and a jar of peanut butter.)
JOEY:(Makes a face.)I think I’ll pass.Why are you eating that?
PHOEBE:I don’t know- pregnancy cravings.
JOEY:Really you get them this soon?
PHOEBE:I don’t know.Just being prepared.( She grabs her half-eaten
pickle that’s lying on a napkin on the counter and dips it into the peanut
butter.She bites itand grimaces.) Do you think I’ll get sick?
JOEY:I don’t know about you but I already am.(Holds his stomach.)Could
you stop doing that now?
PHOEBE:I’m sorry, I’m sorry.(Sets the pickle back on the napkin and
closes the peanut butter jar while saying . . .)So where are the guys?
JOEY:Rachel’s at work but maybe she’s back now.Ross, Chandler, and
Monica are hanging out at your place and I’m hearing looking for a date
and twenty bucks.
PHOEBE:A date and twenty bucks?
JOEY:Yeah.Sizzler.(Rubs his hands together.) Have you happened to see
any twenties on the ground anywhere?
PHOEBE:Well what kind of an idiot leaves a twenty-dollar bill lying
on the floor?
JOEY:My kind.
PHOEBE:I’m sorry.Haven’t seen any.
JOEY:Well have you seen any hot chicks anywhere?
PHOEBE:(Points toward the bathroom.)The girl at the table by the bathroom’s
really pretty.
JOEY:Yeah, but I can’t take her anywhere.Have you got any money on
you?
PHOEBE:What are you kidding?
JOEY:OK.Have you seen any hot chicks that are rich looking? I might
as well hit two birds with one stone.
PHOEBE:You don’t have to be rich to have twenty bucks.
JOEY:Well then how come you don’t have it?
PHOEBE:I spent it.
JOEY:On what? PHOEBE:A jar of pickles, two lemons, cookie dough ice
cream, a jar of peanut butter, and macaroni and cheese.
JOEY:So you're going to just eat macaroni this week?
PHOEBE:No I’ll just combine the food in different ways.You know, adapting
my stomach for what’s to come.
JOEY:You have a really twisted logic.
PHOEBE:Well you don’t know anything about women.
JOEY:No that’s Chandler.
PHOEBE:Really, it’s you.
JOEY:(Defensive.)Hey, I do just fine with women.(Boastful.) Actually,
I do better than fine.
PHOEBE:That’s only because you’re good looking! If you didn’t have
that you wouldn’t be getting anywhere with them. You really aren’t taking
advantage of the situation.Come on.(Gets up.)
JOEY:What are we doing?
PHOEBE:(Determined.)I’m going to show you how to milk it for all its
worth!
JOEY:(Confused.)What?
Scene D:
(Ross’s apartment- his old one from Season 4.He’s on the phone.)
ROSS:Now tell me truth, would I or would I not look good in a brown
jacket and black pants?
(Cut to Carol.She’s on the phone at her and Susan’s apartment. She’s
busy tickling Ben who’s laughing really hard.She’s using her shoulder and
chin to support the phone.)
CAROL:Of course you would look good Ross.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Hey you know a brown jacket and black pants aren’t hard to find.It’s
not like their so unusual or anything!I’ve probably worn that before and
Rachel’s all 'Joshua this,' and 'Joshua that!' 'I’ve never seen any guy
look better in that than Joshua did!' Don’t you think I am like the love
of her life, you know?
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:Ross you’ve been so good lately.You’ve gotten over Rachel.You
haven’t called me about her in what . . . 3 months? What would make you
want to start again?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:You know what?Tomorrow I am going to wear my black pants and my
brown jacket- of course I don’t have a brown jacket anymore.I gave it to
the
Salvation Army.Damn, I’m going to buy a new one.Right now.Maybe I’ll
even go to Bloomingdale’s for it. Rachel’s not there right now.I’ll just
do some
investigation and find out what type of jacket she tried to see the
guy!
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:Now Ross, isn’t that just a bit-
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Brilliant.
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:I was going to say obsessive, scary, frightening- take your pick.
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Oh yeah, well we’ll see tomorrow when I’ll be showing off my new
brown jacket and Rachel will be forgetting all about that Joshua guy.
(Cut to Carol.)
CAROL:(Smiling mischievously.)Joshua, Joshua.That is a great name,
isn’t it?
(Cut to Ross.)
ROSS:Bye Carol.(He hangs up.)
(Cut to Carol.Susan enters their apartment.)
BEN:Hi Susan!(He sits up to watch some TV.Just imagine Blue’s Clues
or something- I don’t know.)
SUSAN:(To Ben.)Hey honey.(To Susan.)What a day I had.(She sets her
keys on the counter.)
CAROL:Your telling me. Ross called.
SUSAN:It’s been a while.What did Rachel do now?
CAROL:She has a crush on some guy named Joshua.
SUSAN:There goes our phone bill.
CAROL:Don’t worry.It was short this time.
SUSAN:Only three hours?
CAROL:A surprising two hours!
SUSAN:Ah, an improvement!
SCENE E:
(It’s the girl’s apartment, Monica’s living room.Monica’s in the kitchen
doing the dishes.Chandler is looking through Monica’s movies in the cabinet
in which the her TV sits on top of.)
CHANDLER:Monica, do you have any movies that don’t have Meg Ryan in
it?
MONICA:Of course I do.
CHANDLER:I’m not interested in Hugh Grant either.
MONICA:Well I’m sorry!I didn’t plan ahead with Austin Powers.
CHANDLER:For that one Joey could kill you.
MONICA:Look just pick one.It’s either that or the documentary on dung
beetles that Ross taped yesterday.(She’s finished the dishes and goes over
to sit on the couch.)
CHANDLER: It’s bad enough that I’m not a woman.Now you’re asking me
enjoy a Meg Ryan movie after my girlfriend cheated on me. MONICA:It’s more
enjoyable than a dung beetle.
CHANDLER:Point well taken.(Pops a video into the VCR and joins Monica
on the couch.She’s on the right, he’s on the left.)
(Monica’s oven timer rings.She gets up and goes over to it.)
CHANDLER:What’s that?
MONICA:(As she opens the microwave and lifts a small tray out:)No,
mini-chocolate chip cookies.(Comes back over to Chandler with the tray.)Your
favorite.
CHANDLER:That’s so great thanks.
MONICA:So you’ll eat?
CHANDLER:Eh, maybe tomorrow.
MONICA:(Hits a pillow against his head.)
SCENE F:
(It’s Central Perk.Joey’s at the table that’s closest to left side
of the entrance.He’s sharing it with some pretty girl and she’s sitting
on the right and he’s on the left.)
JOEY:And then they just fired me!I worked like a dog for that role
and there it went, it just uh- (From behind Phoebe is sitting at another
table.She holds up a napkin that reads:it was gone, as if it had never
been.)
JOEY:It was gone, as if it had never been.(He says this with false
emotion and then lays his head in his arms.)
GIRL:(Deeply moved.)Joey, honey its all right.
JOEY:And I was planning to take Melanie out today with the money I
would have gotten.Someplace real nice.And I knew she was disappointed in
me, but to- to (Phoebe holds up another napkin.)
JOEY:To sleep with another guy!Behind my back!
GIRL:Oh, Joey honey.You deserve so much better than her, now you know
that.
JOEY:(Reading.)Maybe not, you know?Maybe I did something terrible to
deserve all this.
GIRL:Hey look.Do you want to go get some early dinner? I’ll pay, wherever
you want to go.It’s my treat.
JOEY:Really, you’d uh- do that for me?I mean you don’t even know me.
GIRL:I think it’ll be worth it.(Takes Joey’s hand and smiles warmly.)
PHOEBE: (Turns to the counter.)Gunther, more napkins please!
GUNTHER:We ran out.Could we have some of the old ones back? None of
the waitresses want to go to the store to pick some up.
PHOEBE: You’re the boss, why don’t you tell them what to do?
GUNTHER:Well, because I treated Rachel so nicely they are threatening
to sue me for not receiving the same – kind manner.
PHOEBE:Oh no.(Turns to Joey and writes on her hand an lifts it up for
him to see.)
JOEY:(To girl.)(He’s frowning as he’s reading this.) Go, there are
no more napkins.
GIRL:What?
JOEY:Um, let’s go now.
GIRL:I need to got to the bathroom but I’ll be right out. (She goes
to the bathroom.)
JOEY:(Goes over to Phoebe and hugs her.)Phoebs, you’re a genius!I mean
I can’t believe this.A hot girl and a plate at Sizzler, for free!All thanks
to you and –uh
(Notices the stacks of napkins by Phoebe’s side,) twenty trees!
PHOEBE:Ok, first thank you.Two, I’m good aren’t I?Three, you can’t
ask her to take you to Sizzler, that’ll blow your cover.Four, I’m taking
these home to
recycle.And five, I’m good aren’t I!
JOEY:What?!
PHOEBE:Now don’t make me say it again!
JOEY:No, no, no.What did you mean by she can’t take me to Sizzler.
PHOEBE:I made you out to be this, you know- like really deep guy!And
eating at Sizzler isn’t what deep guys do.No what you do is take a stroll
with her and when you see a hot dog cart you say, “I can’t make you spend
that much money on me.Could I just get a hot dog instead?”
JOEY:Just a hot dog?
PHOEBE:Ok, which do you prefer, food or sex?
JOEY:Phoebe, how is that going to get me sex?
PHOEBE:She’ll think you’re sweet and considerate and she’ll be all,
'No.You’ve had a bad day, let me get you something to eat.' And you’ll
be all, 'Hanging out here and walking with you is better than ten four-star
restaurants.'
JOEY:Hey, that’s pretty good.
PHOEBE:Like I said, I’m good aren’t I?
SCENE G:
(It’s the Bloomingdale’s’ personal shopping department room.Rachel
is waiting impatiently by the door, gazing at her watch and tapping her
fingers against the upper-right corner of the desk.)
RACHEL: Where is he?(She moves over to the mirror and begins to unbuttons
two buttons of her blouse.) (Thoughtfully see says: )Hmm.
(The door opens and Joshua enters.)
JOSHUA: Hey Rachel.
RACHEL: (Turns around quickly.)Hey Joshua, oh I almost forgot you were
coming!
JOSHUA:Hey, do you still have my clothes?
RACHEL:Yeah!(She pulls out the three jackets that were lying on the
armchair.)And I hope you don’t mind but I kinda took the liberty of finding
some more things for you to try on!(She points to about five suits, six
jackets, and three pairs of pants hanging on a rack in the left corner
of the room.) JOSHUA:Wow.You know that’s uh- that’s great but I decided
on just one jacket for today and I like the black one. RACHEL:Black, yes,
yes black . . . excellent choice.(She holds it up and hands it to Joshua.)So
is this for that party you mentioned?
JOSHUA:(Taking the jacket.)Yeah, my ex-wife is going to be there.That’s
why I want to look really good.
RACHEL:(Her eyes light up.)Ex?Oh now I can tell you how to look good
for your ex!I mean look at this suit. (Grabs a finely cut Italian gray
suit from the rack.)
This suit would look fabulous on you and trust me, there is nothing
that attracts a woman better than gray!
JOSHUA:(Examining the suit.) Really?
RACHEL:Gray, it’s distinguished, it’s elegant, it’s powerful, and-and
(mutters) your butt would look great in it.
JOSHUA:Excuse me?
RACHEL:So what do you say to it?
JOSHUA:(Thoughtful.)It is a really nice suit.
RACHEL:Why don’t you go try it on?If that one doesn’t do it for you
we’ll try another one.Or another! I can have every suit in the store lined
up just for you. JOSHUA:Wow, you really like to strike a sale.
RACHEL:Well you know that’s me-striving for excellence!(She tosses
her hair provocatively.)
JOSHUA:Does-does your hair bother you?
RACHEL:(Bewildered.)What?
JOSHUA:It’s just uh- because I noticed you’re always flipping your
hair- does it bother you?
RACHEL:No, no, not at all actually.
JOSHUA:It’s just that I could get you a discount because my sisters
own a high quality salon.
RACHEL:No, I really don’t need it.
JOSHUA:Just as a thank you for helping me pick out these great clothes,
I-
RACHEL:(Cutting Joshua off.)Well I really don’t think-
JOSHUA: (Cutting Rachel off.)Tell me something, have you ever thought
about some kind of a layered cut?You’d look really good in it.
SCENE H:
(The girl’s apartment; the living room.Chandler and Monica are just
finishing the movie.Chandler shuts the turns the TV off. Monica has a tissue
in her hand and is sniffing.)
CHANDLER:Can I ask you something?
MONICA:Shoot.(She says between sniffles.)
CHANDLER:Why is it I can’t spill one drop of water on the floor and
you can dump the Atlantic Ocean into it?
MONICA:Just give me two minutes before I kill myself for what I’ve
done.
CHANDLER:Maybe I should be heading to bed now.
MONICA:To bed, Chandler it’s only six o’clock!And you haven’t eaten
anything!
CHANDLER:I took a bite of the cookie.
MONICA:You are going to starve.
CHANDLER:Trust me, tomorrow I’ll be eating like a pig.
MONICA:Couldn’t you just eat normally?
CHANDLER:Now what’s the fun in that?
MONICA:Are you OK?
CHANDLER:I’ve been better, obviously.
MONICA:After I broke up with Richard I didn’t eat for two days so I
guess I understand where you’re coming from.
CHANDLER:Oh, thanks. (There’s an awkward silence.)
MONICA:So what do you want to do now?
CHANDLER:Call Kathy?
MONICA:Don’t even joke about that.I mean at least Richard never cheated
on me- (Suddenly realizes what she said and covers her mouth up with her
hand.)
CHANDLER:(Sarcastic.)Oh, thanks.
MONICA:Oh my gosh, Chandler I am so sorry!(She reaches over and hugs
him.)
(They hug for a moment and neither lets go.Then they slowly break apart
so that their faces are very close.They stare into each other’s eyes for
a moment before
Chandler leans over and kisses Monica very softly on the lips. They
both close their eyes and then Chandler quickly pulls back. Monica’s eyes
open and it dawns on her what just happened.She’s wearing a surprised and
worried look on her face.They both turn from each other and stare down
guiltily.)
CHANDLER:(Awkward and embarrassed, he stares at his hands.) I’m sorry.That
was uh- pretty stupid
MONICA:It’s OK.I’m sorry for putting my foot in my mouth.
CHANDLER: Perfect, and I’m sorry for um- doing that.I better go now.
MONICA:Yeah, I guess you should.
CHANDLER:Well-bye!
MONICA:Bye! (Chandler gets up and walks out.
On his way to his apartment Rachel enters the hallway and says: )
RACHEL:Hey Chandler, feeling any better?
CHANDLER:(Without looking at Rachel.)I’m gonna order a pizza. (He shuts
the door.)
RACHEL:(Mutters to herself while entering the girls’ apartment.) Could
this day get any worse?Hey Mon.
MONICA:What, I ... I didn’t do anything!
RACHEL:What?
MONICA:Nothing, exactly nothing.
RACHEL:Huh?
MONICA:OK, this, all of this- it’s just- it’s giving me a headache.
I’ve got to go to bed.(She enters her room and shuts the door.)
RACHEL:(Calls loudly, hoping Monica could hear her.)Wait, don’t you
want to hear about how things with Joshua went?
(Phoebe enters.)
PHOEBE:Hey Rach.Want some peanut butter and pickle? (Holds out the
jar and the baggie.)
RACH:What?
PHOEBE:Well how about some napkins?(Holds out a clear plastic garbage
bag full of napkins.)
SCENE I:
(Somewhere in the front of Bloomingdale’s.I’ve never been there, or
New York so I’m using my imagination here.I suggest you do the same.)
ROSS:Now you’re telling me there is absolutely no way I can get access
to Joshua’s store records?
CLERK:First of all, you don’t even know the guy’s last name. Secondly,
that’s private information and it’s none of your business. ROSS: Now I
know the person who sold him his clothes here’s name.It’s Rachel Green.I
even know her middle name, it’s Karen. See?
CLERK:As impressive as that is sir, it doesn’t change the situation
much.
ROSS:Look she works in personal shopping. Couldn’t you just poke around
in your computer or something?There’s no harm done as long as I offer a
litter uh compensation.(Pats his pocket suggestively.).
CLERK:(Rolls her eyes.)I really don’t think so.
ROSS:It’ll be easy!She couldn’t have sold outfits to more than one
Joshua.I mean let’s be perfectly honest with each other.How many Joshuas
do you know?