By Alyssa Vergara (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom FRIENDS.
This fanfic supposedly takes place after “The One Where Ross is Surprised”. Sarah Paulson’s back as Kristen. (This fanfic is slightly more dramatic than others. I was thinking of writing it over but a friend convinced me not to.) Comments, suggestions for what you’d like to see happen in my fanfics, and feedback are all welcome! Write me at Joya_Preciosa@homail.com.
SCENE A:
(It’s Central Perk. It’s around noon. Monica and Rachel are sitting at the counter drinking their coffee. Chandler and Kristen are sitting down on the couch. Chandler has his arm around her.)
MONICA: (Watching them with resentment.)
RACHEL: Monica, will you just stop it?!
MONICA: (Turns to Rachel.) What?
RACHEL: Staring at Kristen like you’d want her to explode or something!
MONICA: I’m not . . . doing that.
RACHEL: All right, come on, now what is your problem with her?
MONICA: I don’t have a problem with her.
RACHEL: Then how come we can’t go say hi to them?
MONICA: But I don’t want to- um- I don’t really feel like talking.
RACHEL: So you feel like killing?
MONICA: No, of course not. (She turns back to watching Chandler and Kristen.)
CHANDLER: Wow, I can’t believe you did that!
KRISTEN: Why not? Streaking didn’t just end in the ‘70s you know. All I can say is, I got in.
CHANDLER: The worst pledge I had to for my fraternity was toilet paper the Professor Lowingston’s car.
KRISTEN: Well, that is quite an accomplishment.
CHANDLER: Not so much as you. Although I was once stuck in a bathroom stall wearing nothing but a pair of woman’s panties.
KRISTEN: (Laughs.)
CHANDLER: (Serious.) I’m not kidding.
KRISTEN: Why don’t we do something fun then? Some thing really stupid that’ll probably get us arrested!
CHANDLER: Maybe because I don’t want to go to prison.
KRISTEN: What if I came with you?
CHANDLER: Well that changes everything. (Leans over and kisses her.)
MONICA: (She says this exactly like Rachel did in THE ONE WITH PHOEBE’S HUSBAND.) Ooo, Kristen’s so great. Kristen’s so special.
RACHEL: De javu.
MONICA: (Turns to Rachel.) Huh?
SCENE B:
(It’s the girls’ apartment. Joey’s sitting at the bar and Phoebe’s standing by the bar in the kitchen. There are ten pints of ice cream sitting on the counter. All of them have been opened except for three. There’s a big bowl full of ice cream in the center.)
PHOEBE: I really don’t feel like it. My stomach is starting to ache.
JOEY: I liked it. Go ahead try it.
PHOEBE: (Leans over and dips a spoon into the ice cream and then tastes it.) Interesting.
(Rachel and Monica enter.)
RACHEL: What are you guys doing?
JOEY: What does it look like?
PHOEBE: We’re mixing ice cream flavors, duh.
RACHEL: All right, calm down.
MONICA: Just make sure you don’t spill. (Turns to set her keys on the table.)
JOEY: Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.
MONICA: (Turns around quickly.) Again! (She begins to scan the floor.)
PHOEBE: Joey, when are you going to learn?!
JOEY: Uh, oh.
RACHEL: Monica, relax. I don’t see a stain anywhere.
JOEY: Well, that’s after we cleaned it up. You should have seen it before!
MONICA: (Looks up and her eyes widen angrily.)
PHOEBE: (To Joey.) You know you’re really not helping.
MONICA: OK, that’s it! Ice cream has to go! And from now on, if you ever want to do that again you’re going to have to go do it in your own apartments! My apartment is not a place for . . . for . . . slob hogs!
RACHEL: Slob hogs?
MONICA: Trust me on that one.
PHOEBE: Are you calling us slob hugs because I don’t like the tone of your voice young lady?!
MONICA: Well maybe if you were a little more responsible-
PHOEBE: (Cutting Monica off.) Responsible! Back in my day we didn’t talk to our elders that way!
RACHEL: Elders?
MONICA: By a couple of months! And who do you think you are lecturing me Phoebe? I’ll tell you this, you are one of the most irresponsible, unpredictable, frivolous-
JOEY: (Interrupting.) Frivolous! Now I don’t mean to butt in on your conversation Mom but what the hell does that mean?
MONICA: What do you mean Mom?
PHOEBE: What does it sound like?
JOEY: Maybe like you too. (Mimicking Phoebe.) “Back in my day we didn’t talk to our elders that way.”
PHOEBE: Well she started it!
RACHEL: Relax guys. Monica’s just a little fed up because she hates Kristen.
MONICA: Rachel! You know that’s not true!
JOEY: Yeah, I’ve kind of been wanting to ask you about that Mon.
PHOEBE: Why don’t you like her?
MONICA: I . . . (Grimaces.) like her just fine.
RACHEL: Well you should! She’s so funny and cool.
PHOEBE: And really nice.
JOEY: And she has got the hottest-
MONICA: (Cutting Joey off.) All right, stop it! I can’t take any more of- (Realizes.) you guys saying that I hate that wonderful person.
RACHEL: Well, um. Answer this Mon. (Takes a few steps closer to Monica.) Why is that ever since Chandler’s been dating her you’ve been avoiding him?
MONICA: (Gets a really nervous look on her face.) I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JOEY: That’s right. It’s been like three weeks and I haven’t even seen you speak to him.
PHOEBE: It’s one thing to dislike Kristen for no reason but it’s totally another to punish Chandler for it!
RACHEL: Now I agree.
(All three stare disapprovingly at Monica.)
MONICA: OK, if that’s the way you want it. Fine! I’m going to see Chandler and- (swallows hard) Kristen.
(Storms out and slams the door. She goes through the hallway and knocks on Chandler’s door.)
CHANDLER: (Opens the door and seems surprised and worried when he sees Monica there.) (Softly he says: ) Hey.
MONICA: Oh, will you stop with all the sensitive crap already! I’m not some one to be pitied!
KRISTEN: (Coming from behind Chandler.) What’s going on?
MONICA: I just came to um- hang out.
CHANDLER: (Confused.) Really?
KRISTEN: Great! (Grabs Monica’s hand and pulls her in.) We’re watching Halloween!
MONICA: (Turns to Chandler, in disbelief.) You’re watching Halloween?
CHANDLER: (Timidly.) Yeah.
MONICA: But Chandler you hate horror movies. You’re always saying how boring they are because they don’t have any jokes in them.
CHANDLER: Well I don’t think I ever really gave them a chance. There are some jokes and Kristen really enjoys them.
MONICA: (Bitterly.) Oh, she does.
KRISTEN: (Plopping on the leather chair and setting a bowl of popcorn that was sitting it on her lap.) Love them. Even when I was like twelve I couldn’t go for like a day without seeing some screaming actors running for their life!
MONICA: Wow, that’s uh- that’s pretty scary.
KRISTEN: Oh, don’t worry. I’m relatively harmless.
CHANDLER: (Sits in the chair next to Kirsten.) Well, I wouldn’t say that.
KRISTEN: (Grins and laughs.)
MONICA: (Mutters.) What have I gotten myself into?
KRISTEN: Huh?
MONICA: (Plopping herself on the floor by Kristen’s feet.) So what scene have you guys gotten to?
SCENE C:
(It’s the girl’s apartment. Living room. Joey and Phoebe are watching cartoons- Looney Tunes to be exact.)
ROSS: (Enters.) Joey?
JOEY: Yeah?
ROSS: We’ve got a problem.
JOEY: What is it?
ROSS: Well remember that about a week and a half ago with that whole Susan confusion thing happened and you and I went out and we all got kind off drunk and you toilet papered that guy’s car windows and I . . . let you?
JOEY: Yeah, so?
ROSS: Well-
PHOEBE: (Interrupting Ross.) Guys are so immature.
ROSS: Phoebs, the other day I saw a Barbie doll and a Big Bird stuffed animal inside that big purse of yours.
PHOEBE: Well uh, uh - men don’t have cramps, ha!
ROSS: What?
PHOEBE: The toys help my cramps.
JOEY: Uh, Phoebs, how’s that again?
PHOEBE: Well I’m sorry but if you don’t know then I can’t help you.
JOEY: (Looks confused.)
ROSS: Anyway someone reported it.
JOEY: Are you serious?
ROSS: And not only that they listed me down as an accomplice!
PHOEBE: How do you know?
ROSS: I got a call just a little while ago. They want to meet with me or something. They just want to check with the witness if I was the person because all they have now are physical descriptions of me. Maybe they left one on the girls’ machine too. This being the last reported phone number for you guys.
JOEY: (Nervous.) This is, this is scary! Ross man what are we going to do?
ROSS: We? You’re the one who did it!
JOEY: Hey but you didn’t stop me!
ROSS: Hey, I was partly intoxicated. I’m blameless.
JOEY: Well then so am I.
ROSS: You want to just ignore the message and hope it goes away?
JOEY: Yeah OK.
PHOEBE: You guys, that isn’t the way to solve this problem. You obviously are both to blame for getting drunk in the first place!
JOEY+ROSS: (Hang their heads in shame.)
PHOEBE: Don’t you love it when I’m right?
SCENE D:
(It’s the guys’ apartment. Chandler, Monica, and Kirsten have just finished the movie.)
KRISTEN: (Takes the remote and shuts the TV off.) You know it was really great seeing you Monica. We never get a chance to talk.
CHANDLER: (Looks uncomfortable.)
MONICA: Yeah, I know. None of the other guys except for Phoebe have either.
CHANDLER: (Looks surprised.)
MONICA: (Mischievous.) Why don’t we all have dinner tonight?
CHANDLER: (In total shock.)
KRISTEN: Really? That would be great!
MONICA: It would, wouldn’t it? I mean we could just talk and get to know each other. And I’d love to hear about you and Chandler. (Eyes Chandler.)
CHANDLER: (Seems to have drifted off into his own world of “this isn’t happening.”)
KRISTEN: OK. Where should we go?
MONICA: Well, where did you and Chandler go on your first dinner date?
KRISTEN: Brooks.
MONICA: Brooks it is! It’ll set the mood. What do you say, seven thirty?
CHANDLER: (Stares at Monica in disbelief.)
KRISTEN: Oh, this will be so much fun! (Looks at her watch.) I’ve got to go because I’m late for a pottery class. (Leans over and kisses the “still recovering from shock” Chandler.)
MONICA: (Winces.)
KRISTEN: Bye! (She exits.)
CHANDLER: (Turning to Monica.) What- why- how come you . . .
MONICA: While your trying to figure that sentence out, I’ll go tell the guys. (Gets up and makes her way to the door.)
CHANDLER: I- I- Monica!
MONICA: (Turns around.) Yes?
CHANDLER: What the hell was that?
MONICA: What?
CHANDLER: You inviting Kristen to have dinner with all of us?!
MONICA: You don’t think it would be nice? I think it would be great. We always all have dinner when one of us begins to date.
CHANDLER: Not when two of us are in the situation that we are in!
MONICA: (Crosses her arms.) And what situation would that be?
CHANDLER: I’m not in the mood for some stupid joke Monica.
MONICA: Well that’s a first!
CHANDLER: You know how uncomfortable I will be tonight with you there!
MONICA: So you don’t want me to come?
CHANDLER: That’s not what I said.
MONICA: Then what did you say?
CHANDLER: Why are you doing this?
MONICA: Doing what?
CHANDLER: I thought we made each other uncomfortable because of what’s happened between us.
MONICA: Oh, come on Chandler! That was weeks ago. We both agreed it didn’t mean anything. I thought we were past it.
CHANDLER: What do you mean it didn’t mean anything? We never agreed to that!
MONICA: Well I thought you said it quite clear when you slept with her.
CHANDLER: (At a loss for words.)
MONICA: So I’ll see you tonight. (Opens the door and then turns around.) Oh yeah. By the way, Rachel and I are really tired of living in that small apartment that’s across the hall. We’re just going to move back here, you know, switch back. We’d like you and Joey to start packing right away, sound good? (Closes the door.)
CHANDLER: (Looks dumbfounded.)
MONICA: (We then see her sighing regretfully and putting her hand on her forehead.
She walks over to the girls’ apartment and opens the door and closes it behind her.) (With fake enthusiasm, she says: ) Hey guys, guess what? Oh good, Ross you’re here. Where’s Rachel?
PHOEBE: In her room.
MONICA: Well go get her. You all need to be here.
PHOEBE: For what?
MONICA: You’ll never know until you get her.
PHOEBE: (Shrugs.) OK. (Yells loudly.) RACHEL!
RACHEL: (Opens the door, frowning.) What was that?
PHOEBE: (Proudly.) Me.
RACHEL: Well what is it?
PHOEBE: Monica’s got some big important news.
MONICA: OK, everyone. Tonight we are all having dinner at Brooks with Kristen and Chandler!
RACHEL: Really?
JOEY: Is it expensive?
PHOEBE: But I thought you hated Kristen.
ROSS: She hates Kristen?
MONICA: I do not hate Kristen, OK! I’ve just been a little moody lately.
RACHEL: Well I thought the moods were from a guy.
PHOEBE: Me too, until that whole Kristen thing came up.
MONICA: What Kristen thing?! There is no thing! I’m fine with her. If I hated her I wouldn’t be having dinner with her now would I?
RACHEL: Well, it looks like somebody’s a little moody.
MONICA: Have you even been listening to me?
JOEY: Well how come you’re so moody?
MONICA: Oh, you know . . . (pauses to think) cramps.
ROSS: (To Joey.) Is that a woman’s excuse to everything?
JOEY: Yeah, but with Monica it makes a lot more sense.
SCENE E:
(It’s the guys’ apartment. There are large cardboard boxes sitting next to the door and around the apartment. Joey’s fastening a tie while Chandler’s putting on a jacket.)
JOEY: So explain it to me. Why do we have to move out again?
CHANDLER: (Mutters bitterly.) Because Monica’s- (Pauses and raises his voice.) Because when we made that bet we made it on a time frame. We got to keep this apartment for a little while and then we had to switch back, remember?
JOEY: (Uncertain but covering it up.) Uh, yeah sure.
KRISTEN: (Enters.) Hey I just ran into Phoebe in the hall. This is going to be fun don’t you think? (Notices the boxes.) What are those for?
CHANDLER: We’re moving out.
KRISTEN: What? Wait, to where?
CHANDLER: Across the hall.
KRISTEN: Why?
CHANDLER: Well this was Monica and Rachel’s place before it was ours and now we’re switching back.
KRISTEN: I’m still confused.
JOEY: (Mutters.) So am I.
CHANDLER: (To Joey.) We’ve been over it at least ten times! Would you like me to write it down for you?
JOEY: Wow, I guess someone’s a little moody.
KRISTEN: (Goes over to Chandler and says worryingly: ) Honey are you OK?
CHANDLER: I’m sorry. I’m fine it’s just . . .
JOEY: (Knowingly.) Cramps.
SCENE F:
(It’s the girls’ apartment; the living room. Rachel’s in the kitchen drinking a glass of water.)
RACHEL: (Calls.) Monica honey, you better hurry up or we’re going to be late!
MONICA: (Comes out of her room. She’s wearing a very, very, very tiny black dress with a very low neckline and an extremely short skirt and high heels.) Ready.
RACHEL: Oh my gosh! Monica what are you wearing?!
MONICA: You like it?
RACHEL: Yeah, but um, isn’t it a little well very um, slutty?
MONICA: Probably, but I was going for that. Are the other guys here yet?
RACHEL: No. Where did you get it?
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: The dress.
MONICA: Well, I just hemmed it and lowered the neckline a little.
RACHEL: Why?
MONICA: Oh what, what?! I can’t look sexy at least for one night?
PHOEBE: (Enters.) Hey guys, oh my gosh!
MONICA: What?
PHOEBE: Monica, what- why? You look so . . . so . . .
MONICA: Yeah, I like it too.
ROSS: (Enters.) I’ve made the reservations and- oh my gosh!
MONICA: OK, I’m beginning to sense a pattern here.
ROSS: Monica, are you- are you crazy? Go put something over that!
MONICA: Over what?
ROSS: That- that thing you’re wearing!
MONICA: Why?
ROSS: You look- you look like- guys are going to be looking, to be looking at you!
MONICA: So?
ROSS: So! So! Is that all you can say.
MONICA: Pretty much.
(The door opens and Chandler, Joey, and Kristen enter.)
CHANDLER/JOEY: (Take one look at Monica and their mouths drop open.)
KRISTEN: (Stares, surprised at first. Then smiles.) Hey guys! Monica you look gorgeous! Very sexy!
MONICA: Thanks Kristen.
(A moment of silence.)
KRISTEN: Well, shouldn’t we get going?
RACHEL/MONICA/ROSS/PHOEBE: Yeah, of course, I guess, OK.
JOEY+CHANDLER: (Still staring at Monica as she makes her way to the door.)
RACHEL: Um, guys, hello?
JOEY: Sorry what?
CHANDLER: Huh?
RACHEL: We’re leaving.
SCENE G:
(It’s the Brooks Restaurant. The gang (and Kristen) are sitting at a round table. Kristen’s sitting next to Chandler, Chandler’s next to Rachel, Rachel’s next to Phoebe- even though Phoebe isn’t there-, Phoebe’s next to Ross, Ross is next to Joey, and Joey is next to Monica.)
ROSS: (To Joey in a low voice.) I just got another page. I’m like getting beeped every five seconds. We’re going to go to jail.
JOEY: (Whispers back.) Well what if we went to another country or something? They’d never find us in like . . . India, or-or Japan, or um . . . Washington!
ROSS: That’s insane. What about Ben?
JOEY: (Still whispering.) He’d feel a lot better knowing his dad was in Japan than in prison with the- (swallows hard) bench pressers.
PHOEBE: (Makes her way to the table and sits down in her seat.) Rach, you have got to see the bathroom, it is so pretty!
RACHEL: That’s great Phoebe.
ROSS: (Whispering excitedly to Joey.) Now look at this! Look at this! My child’s future hangs in the balance because of you and you and your stupid ideas!
JOEY: (Defensive and whispering loudly.) It’s not like the ideas came naturally! It was the alcohol!
PHOEBE: (Leans over and whispers.) First of all, it was a stupid idea to drink that much alcohol in the first place.
JOEY: (Whispers excitedly.) That was Ross’s thing! He was just upset about the whole Susan and Carol thing and I had nothing to do with it besides the fact that I was the one he was complaining to! No wonder I drank so much! It was like two hours of whining and-
ROSS: (Cutting Joey off. He whispers loudly.) Hey, I am not whiny OK!
RACHEL: What are you guys talking about?
ROSS/JOEY: (In unison.) Nothing!
SCENE H:
(It’s still the restaurant and the gang is still sitting down.)
KRISTEN: (To Rachel.) So how come that Joshua guy you mentioned couldn’t come tonight?
RACHEL: I don’t know. Some work thing . . . you know I think we’re going to break up.
MONICA: What are you talking about? After all you went through to get him?
RACHEL: Well he seems to have a problem with the idea of sleeping with me?! I can’t take it anymore!
JOEY: (Clears this throat.) Well today’s your lucky day Rach! I feel obligated to help you out here.
RACHEL: Joey!
JOEY: Fine, sure. (To Monica.) Now what about you? (Sets his hand on Monica’s shoulder.)
CHANDLER: (Frowns at this.)
MONICA: (Makes a face at Joey.)
RACHEL: So Kristen, what do you like to do?
KRISTEN: Pretty much everything. I’ve had so many hobbies and I can’t even remember them all anymore. I think I told Chandler about all of them I could remember and he counted- about what thirty-something? (Turning to Chandler.)
CHANDLER: (Staring at Monica.)
MONICA: (Staring at her plate.)
KRISTEN: Chandler?
CHANDLER: (Still staring at Monica.)
KRISTEN: Chandler?
CHANDLER: (Still staring at Monica.)
KRISTEN: (Smacks Chandler’s arm.)
CHANDLER: Ow! What was that for?
KRISTEN: (Angry.) What is wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird all night!
(The rest of the gang looks uncomfortable.)
MONICA: (Looks worried.)
CHANDLER: (Has an awkward look on his face.) (Lowers his voice.) Look, Kristen, I don’t think this is the time or the place to be-
KRISTEN: (Cutting him off.) Answer the question Chandler!
CHANDLER: I, um, I . . .
KRISTEN: You don’t seem to get it do you? This is really weird! I mean we’re having dinner with your friends and you aren’t even paying attention to me! It seems like all night, I don’t even know if I’m imagining it or not but you’ve been staring at Monica!
MONICA: (Her eyes widen and she grimaces.)
(The rest of the gang turns to look at Monica. They are surprised and confused.)
CHANDLER: (Nervously, he clears his throat.) You’re imagining it.
KRISTEN: (Frowns and gets up.)
CHANDLER: (Gets up quickly.) Don’t go! Look, I’m sorry OK? I didn’t mean to make you feel like you weren’t having a good time. I’m sorry and I promise it’ll never happen again.
MONICA: (Looks hurt.)
KRISTEN: (Her face grows softer.) Me too. That was really stupid, embarrassing you like that in front of your friends. (She sits back down.)
CHANDLER: (Sits back down too.)
KRISTEN: So what were we talking about?
ROSS: Something about numbers.
SCENE I:
(It’s still the restaurant. Maybe an hour later . . . Chandler’s laying down a tip.)
CHANDLER: Anybody got a dollar I’m a little short.
PHOEBE: (Reaches into her purse and pulls out a buck.) Here you go.
CHANDLER: (Takes it and begins to set it down on the table but the lifts it up so he can get a closer look.) Phoebs?
PHOEBE: Yeah?
CHANDLER: Is there any reason in particular that you colored George Washington purple?
JOEY: That can’t be a good reason.
PHOEBE: Just trying to brighten things up.
KRISTEN: I’ve got to get going.
CHANDLER: (To Kristen.) You don’t want to stay over at my place tonight?
KRISTEN: I would
but I really don’t need all that mess tonight.
I’m actually kind of sleepy too.
You could come to my place if you want.
MONICA: Mess?
KRISTEN: Yeah, about the whole thing with Chandler and Joey trading apartments with you and Rachel. There are a bunch of cardboard boxes all over the place.
MONICA: (Looks surprised.)
RACHEL: We’re moving back! Oh my gosh, Monica why didn’t you tell me?! How . . . Why!? Oh this is just so great!
JOEY: Not for me.
RACHEL: Don’t spoil it Joey.
KRISTEN: (To Chandler.) So do you want to come over tonight?
CHANDLER: (Eyes Monica.) No, if I come tonight I’ll probably end up sleeping late and missing work again so . . .
KRISTEN: OK. (Gets up and leans over and kisses Chandler quickly on the mouth.) Bye everyone!
EVERYONE: Bye!
KRISTEN: (Waves and makes her way out of the restaurant.)
RACHEL: So lets go catch a ride home guys. (She gets up.)
CHANDLER+JOEY+PHOEBE+MONICA+ROSS: (Get up and make their way outside the restaurant.)
(They are now all outside Brooks restaurant.)
CHANDLER: Taxi! (A taxi pulls up.) You know guys I think there’s only room for three of us in here.
MONICA: You guys go. I’ll catch the next one.
RACHEL+JOEY: (Approach the taxi.)
PHOEBE: (Grabs Joey’s arm.) Wait! I need Joey here for a sec. Monica you go ahead.
MONICA: (An uncomfortable tone of voice.) Of course, sure. (She gets into the cab. Rachel gets in afterwards and then Chandler.)
(As they drive off Joey pokes Phoebe.)
JOEY: What did you want to talk to me about?
PHOEBE: Well not just you. Also Ross.
ROSS: (Interested.) What is it Phoebs?
PHOEBE: I’m the one who made that phone call and has been paging you all night.
JOEY/ROSS: (In unison.) What?
PHOEBE: Yeah, uh-huh. You see Joey couldn’t keep his mouth shut about that ice cream spill and got me in trouble with Monica. And you Ross, well- I just picked on you for no reason.
ROSS: Phoebe! Why would you do a thing like that? That is so mean. You had us all worried.
PHOEBE: (Laughing.) I still can’t believe you actually thought the New York City police department would actually care about Joey toilet papering a guy’s car windows.
ROSS: Phoebe!
PHOEBE: (Shrugs.) I’m having pregnancy problems.
ROSS: What kind of problems?
PHOEBE: The babies have- cramps.
JOEY: How did you page us?
PHOEBE: There is a public pay phone over there? Didn’t you guys notice I was going to the bathroom all the time?
JOEY: I just thought it was because of all the ice cream .
SCENE J:
(It’s the hallway. Monica comes out of the girls’/soon to be the guys’ apartment at the exact moment that Chandler comes out of the guys’/soon to be the girls’ apartment.)
MONICA: (Surprised.) Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: What are you doing out here?
CHANDLER: Coming to see you.
MONICA: Yeah me too. But um- not to see me, I was coming-, I was coming to see you.
CHANDLER: What about?
MONICA: I wanted to apologize.
CHANDLER: I thought we agreed on no more apologies.
MONICA: I’m serious. First I plan this whole stupid dinner and then I throw that whole apartment thing at you . . .
CHANDLER: And the dress.
MONICA: Yeah I know. I just feel so terrible about inviting you and Kristen to a dinner and deliberately trying to make you uncomfortable.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, but let’s not forget the dress!
MONICA: (Smiles.) Do you forgive me?
CHANDLER: Of course.
MONICA: And you guys can keep the apartment if you want.
CHANDLER: No, no. I’ve already packed up some stuff and Rachel’s all worked up. You just take it.
MONICA: Thank you.
(An awkward silence.)
CHANDLER: Can I ask you why?
MONICA: Why what?
CHANDLER: Why all this?
MONICA: What do you think? I was hurt so I tried to hurt you.
CHANDLER: Oh.
MONICA: Yeah, it was pretty terrible wasn’t it?
CHANDLER: Well I could deal with the apartment and even the awkward dinner but what really killed me was the dress.
MONICA: OK, what’s wrong with the dress?
CHANDLER: Did you even see yourself in the mirror?
MONICA: Is that a compliment or an insult?
CHANDLER: Compliment. It killed Joey too.
MONICA: (Smiles.)
CHANDLER: So we’re OK?
MONICA: I don’t know. We always seem to be but then we end up fighting again.
CHANDLER: But we’re OK now right?
MONICA: We are, but I’m not.
CHANDLER: OK, now but what do you want me to do, huh? Do you want me to break up with her?
MONICA: (Crosses her arms.) Yes.
CHANDLER: (Surprised.) Really?
MONICA: But not for me. No, no I couldn’t live with myself if you dumped her for me.
CHANDLER: (Jokingly.) Oh, but you can live with yourself after tonight?
MONICA: You said you forgave me.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I did.
(A slight pause of silence.)
MONICA: I’m going to go to bed now.
CHANDLER: Yeah, right.
MONICA: (Opens the door and says: ) Goodnight, Chandler. (Closes the door.)
CHANDLER: (To himself.) Goodnight.
SCENE K:
(It’s the guys’ soon to be girls’ apartment. Joey’s on the phone.)
JOEY: So now what?
(Cut to Phoebe’s apartment.)
PHOEBE: I don’t know. Try dipping a cherry Popsicle into rocky road.
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: That sounds gross!
(Cut to Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: So does caviar! I mean fish eggs, come on! You’ve just got to get used to it.
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: (Giving in.) Yeah, OK.
CHANDLER: (Comes out of his/soon to be Rachel’s room.) It’s one in the morning! Could you quiet it down a bit!
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: Dude, I’m talking to Phoebe!
CHANDLER: I don’t care if you’re talking to Heather Locklear! Lower your voice!
(Cut to Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: Could you please tell Chandler that his voice is scaring the babies.
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: Phoebe says your voice is scaring the babies.
(Cut to Phoebe.)
PHOEBE: You might want to mention that the babies have cramps also.
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: And the babies have cramps!