THE ONE WITH THE GREATEST BREAKUP EVER
Written
by: Ethan
Disclaimer:
These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane
Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for
entertainment.
TONY’S
PIZZA (Joey,
Ross and Chandler are present)
Joey: Man this is good pizza.
Chandler: It’s better than sex.
Ross: Going through a dry spell again
Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah.
Mon’s been as cold as ice lately.
You accidentally spill coffee on the floor and the next thing you know,
no sex for three weeks.
Joey: You think you’ve got problems? Phoebe won’t leave me alone. She’s like an insatiable machine.
Ross: Don’t look now but the world is coming to
end. Joey’s complaining about too much
sex and he used insatiable in a sentence.
Chandler: Despite the fact that he has no idea what
the word means.
Joey: Hey, I do too know what the word means.
Chandler: Uh huh.
What does it mean?
Joey: Uh, uh, uh….
Chandler: I told you he didn’t know.
Ross: Give him a chance. You can do it Joey.
Joey:
I got it, it’s something that has to do with wanting too much of
something?
Ross: And we have a winner Ladies and
Gentlemen.
CENTRAL
PERK
(Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica: What the heck is the matter with you?
Rachel
(moving around uncomfortably): These
pants are getting to be too small. I
can barely breathe.
Monica: Why aren’t you wearing the maternity clothes
Ross got for you?
Rachel: Have you seen them? They’re like K-Mart rejects. No way I’m wearing them out in public.
Phoebe: Just wait until the wedgies start
coming. They’re like a thrill ride for
your crack.
Rachel: Thanks for the visual Pheebs.
Monica: Where is Chandler? He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.
Rachel: He’s probably with Joey and Ross doing
something stupid.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I’m gonna break it off with
Joey.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: What did you say?
Phoebe: Nothing.
I was listening to Rachel.
Rachel: Yes you did, you said you were gonna break
it off with Joey.
Phoebe: Where’d you hear that?
Monica: You just said it!
Phoebe: Then why did you say “what”?
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Fine!
Yes, I’m gonna break-up with Joey.
Rachel: Uh, why?
Phoebe: Because the sex is boring now. There’s nothing else there.
Monica: You guys don’t talk?
Phoebe: Sure we do.
We talk about who’s place were gonna do it at, what to eat for lunch and
dinner. Stuff like that. You know, real meaningful
conversations.
Rachel: That’s meaningful?
Phoebe: Pretty much, at least for Joey.
(Chandler
and Joey enters)
Chandler: My fair ladies, icicle woman.
Monica: That’s not the way to thaw me out
Chandler.
Joey: Hey, who’s hungry?
Chandler: We just ate lunch!
Joey: Yeah, but I was lining up my afternoon snack
partner.
Rachel: Where’s Ross?
Joey: Yeah, we ditched him a couple blocks
back.
Rachel: Why?!
Chandler: ‘Cause he saw a new dinosaur book in the
window at the bookstore and he had to go in.
Rachel: Oh, in that case I would’ve ditched him
too. Well I have to get to the
stores. I’ll see you guys later. Do you wanna come Mon?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler
(to Monica): Whoa! Hold on a minute missy. Did I give you permission to go shopping?
Monica: Strike two.
Chandler
(meekly): You can go. Just don’t spend any money.
Monica: Do you wanna rethink that answer?
Chandler: What I meant to say, is here, take my credit
card. No need to spend your own hard
earned money. See ya later honey.
Rachel
(to Monica): Man, I’ve got to try that
approach with Ross.
Joey: Bye Rachel, bye icicle woman.
Monica: You just struck out again Chandler.
Chandler: I didn’t say anything! Damn it Joey!
(Monica
and Rachel leave)
Joey: Hey Pheebs, how are ya?
Phoebe: Pretty good lover. We have to talk though.
Joey: We’re breaking up aren’t we?
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m afraid so.
Joey: Ok.
Well for the record, you’ve been the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
Phoebe: You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever
had. I really love you Joey.
Joey: I love you too Pheebs.
Chandler: That’s it? Just like that you guys are breaking up? No crying, no fighting? What’s wrong with you two?
ROSS
& RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is present.
He is talking on the phone)
Ross: I realize that. (pause) But I just need
one week off this semester. (pause) Yes I realize that we get a week off at
Spring Break but my wife is pregnant and this is the only chance I have to take
her away before the baby comes. (pause)
Why is that a problem? (pause) I really don’t think my students would
care. (pause) Why? Because they don’t pay attention in class anyway. (pause)
Ok. Ok. Look, just think about it. (pause)
Thanks.
(Chandler
enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Who were you talking to?
Ross: It’s whom.
Chandler: Don’t start with me.
Ross: I was talking with my department head at
NYU. I’m trying to get a week off to
take Rachel to Hawaii for a week during the semester. It’s like our last chance to take a vacation before the baby
comes.
Chandler: Hawaii eh?
Ross: No, you can’t come. We’re going away by ourselves for once.
Chandler: Did you hear that Phoebe and Joey broke up?
Ross: They did?
Chandler: Yeah.
It was like the greatest breakup ever.
There were no tears, no fighting, no anything. They just ended it.
Ross: How’s Joey?
Chandler: How do you think he is? He met some girl in the coffeehouse ten
minutes after Phoebe left and the next thing you know, he took her to his
apartment.
Ross: To do what?
Chandler: Vacuum the floor. What do you think they’re doing you moron?
Ross: They’re having sex right after he broke up
with Phoebe?
Chandler: Phoebe broke up with Joey.
Ross: Did they break up or are they on a
break?
Chandler: They broke up. But I guess in your case that means one in the same.
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Sorry, that was low. (pause) I need your help.
Ross: With what?
Do you need to move some furniture or something?
Chandler: I need your help with Monica.
SAKS
FIFTH AVENUE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)
Rachel: Ew, what da ya think about this?
Monica: Yeah, that’s alright.
Rachel:
Mon, what’s gotten into you? You’ve been a drag to be around today.
Monica: I’m sorry, I just got a lot on my mind. Really, that would be striking on you.
Rachel: Monica, it’s me. What’s wrong?
Monica: I haven’t had sex with Chandler in three
weeks.
Rachel: So you’re going through a dry spell, it
happens sooner or later to all couples.
Monica: It’s not just that.
Rachel: Then what is it honey?
Monica: I don’t know if I wanna have sex with him
anymore.
(Rachel,
who’s been leaning against the clothing rack, crashes to the floor)
JOEY’S
APARTMENT
(Joey latest date, Laura, is leaving)
Joey: I’ll call you later Lori.
Laura: It’s Laura.
Joey: Right.
I’ll call you later Laura.
Laura: Are we gonna go out to dinner? My roommate Shelley knows this great little
restaurant in the village.
Joey: Is your roommate single?
Laura: Yeah, why?
Joey: Just wondering. I’ll talk to you later.
(closes the door and sits down on the recliner. Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Joey: Pheebs, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I don’t think we did the right thing.
Joey: What thing?
Phoebe: I don’t think we should’ve broken up.
Joey: You don’t?
Phoebe: No, not really. I miss you.
Joey: How can you miss me? We only broke up two hours ago.
Phoebe: You already had sex with someone else didn’t
you?
Joey: Me?
Who do you think I am, Ross?
Phoebe: That’s pretty funny.
Joey: I thought so too.
Phoebe: So who’d you have sex with? The hot little blonde that left your
apartment a couple of minutes ago?
Joey: Laura?
I mean, what hot little blonde?
Phoebe: It’s ok, I’m not mad. I had sex with Pete.
Joey: Who’s Pete?!
Phoebe: Some cute guy that I’ve had my eyen on since
we started dating.
Joey: And the minute you break up with me you go
and have sex with him?!
Phoebe: What are you getting all excited for? You
had sex too.
Joey: But I barely knew her!
Phoebe: Why should that matter?
Joey: It does in Joey World! You have sex with strangers, not with people
you are already friends with.
Phoebe: But you had sex with me when you were dating
Courteney.
Joey: What does that have to do with anything?!
Phoebe: Well for starters, we were friends.
Joey: But I was trying to figure out if I was
supposed to marry Courteney.
Phoebe: So then it’s ok to have sex with a
friend.
Joey: Yes!
In that situation.
Phoebe: Maybe we should stay broken up.
Joey: I think so.
We’ve obviously have moved on to other people. So how was Pete?
Phoebe: Not as good as you.
Joey: That’s pretty much a given.
Phoebe: How was the hot little blonde girl?
Joey: Alright.
Definitely not in your league.
Phoebe: Of course not, only a gymnast can bend like
me.
Joey: That’s the funny part, she is a gymnast and
all she did was lie there.
Phoebe: Maybe we shouldn’t break up.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Well our new partners are obviously not good
in the sack.
Joey: Maybe we should stay broken up but still sleep
together. That way neither of us will
go rusty until we find compatible partners.
Phoebe: We could have an open relationship.
Joey: Totally.
No more of this boyfriend/girlfriend crap.
Phoebe: I love that idea. We should’ve done that originally. We’re obviously not meant to be together as
boyfriend/girlfriend. We don’t fight at
all, boyfriends and girlfriends fight with each other all the time, just look
at Ross and Rachel.
Joey: That’s so true. I fought with Courteney all time, so it’s obvious that she was my
girlfriend. With you, we never
fought. If you were my girlfriend you’d
be pissed at me for sleeping with Laura a half hour after we broke up.
Phoebe
(mad): You only waited a half hour?!
Joey: What are you getting mad for? Was there some time limit I was supposed to
observe before sleeping with someone else?
Phoebe: Yes!
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: You were supposed to wait an hour. What’s the matter with you?
Joey: I’m Joey, I don’t know that there are
rules. Why do you think I’m still
single?
ROSS
& RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are talking)
Ross: Ah, what’s the problem with Monica?
Chandler: What do you think? We haven’t had sex in three weeks.
Ross: So it’s a dry spell. It happens to every couple.
Chandler: Has it happened to you and Rachel?
Ross: No!
What would make you think that?
Chandler: But you just said it happens to every
couple!
Ross: Well it hasn’t happened to Rachel and
I. Look, have you tried to entice her?
Chandler: She’s not a dog Ross.
Ross: That’s not what I meant. Have you tried giving her flowers, cleaning
the apartment, making her dinner, stuff like that?
Chandler: No, I’ve been really busy with work.
Ross: What’s more important to you, your job or
your marriage?
Chandler: My marriage of course.
Ross: A marriage doesn’t just exist, you’ve got to
work at it.
Chandler: You would know you’ve been married four
times.
Ross: Forget it, I’m not helping you.
Chandler: Come on Ross, I was joking. Seriously, I don’t want to lose your
sister.
Ross: You need to do something nice for
Monica. If that doesn’t work, maybe you
two should go see a marriage counselor.
Chandler: I don’t need some shrink to tell me how to
improve my sex life. I know how to have
sex.
Ross: And when was the last time you guys had sex?
Chandler: Marriage counseling could be the
answer.
CHANDLER
& MONICA’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica have returned from shopping)
Monica: Chandler, are you here?
Rachel: Doesn’t look like it. The place is still spotless. Now tell me what’s going on.
Monica: I don’t where to start.
Rachel: Well explain to me why you and Chandler
haven’t had sex for three weeks.
Monica: I just haven’t been in that place. I just don’t want him touching me.
Rachel: Why not?
Monica: If I knew we wouldn’t be talking now.
Rachel: Do you still love Chandler?
Monica: Yes! Why would you think I don’t love him?
Rachel: I was just asking. By the way, you answered correctly. Are you afraid to have sex?
Monica: I’ve been having sex since I was 17, I think
I got over that fear a long time ago.
Rachel: Did you have a miscarriage at 17?
Monica
(tears filling her eyes): No! Why in the hell did you bring that up?
Rachel: Because that’s what I think the problem
is.
Monica
(crying): We’ve had plenty of sex since
that happened.
Rachel: Was it enjoyable for you?
Monica: Huh?
Rachel: Did you make love to Chandler or did you
just accommodate him? (long period of
silence) Monica?
Monica: To accommodate him.
Rachel: Don’t you miss making love to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah.
I really do. I just fear that
I’m gonna get pregnant again.
Rachel: But I thought you wanted to get
pregnant.
Monica: I do.
I want a baby so bad.
Rachel: Then why are you afraid?
Monica: What if I have another miscarriage?
Rachel: What if you don’t?
Monica: It’s not that simple. You have no idea what it’s been like.
Rachel: No I don’t, but I’m your best friend and my
door is always open. You just need to
talk the whole thing through with someone.
Monica: I just want to get the passion back into our
marriage. We’re just going through the
motions. If I were Chandler, I’d have
left by now.
Rachel: Well Chandler hasn’t left. He obviously still loves you very much.
Monica: Calling me icicle woman is showing that he
loves me?
Rachel: Chandler’s just being Chandler. Deep down, we both know that he cares for
you. He just doesn’t know how to get through
to you. He doesn’t know what you’re
feeling because you haven’t shared your feelings about the miscarriage. You’ve just swept those feelings under the
rug in hopes that they’d magically disappear.
Monica: They haven’t magically disappeared yet?
Rachel: Doesn’t look like it. That only happens in sitcoms.
CENTRAL
PERK
(Everyone but Chandler is present)
Rachel
(to Phoebe and Joey): So you two broke
up?
Phoebe: Yeah, monogamy is for suckers.
Joey: Amen to that.
Monica: Where’s Chandler?
Ross: He told me that he had some things to take
care of at work and that he’d be home by 6:30 pm.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: What’s everyone doing for dinner?
Ross: Well you and I are going to my folks.
Rachel: That’s tonight?
Ross: Yes, I told you this morning about
that.
Rachel: No you didn’t.
Ross: Yes I did.
Rachel: It’s not nice to lie Ross.
Ross: I’m not lying, you are just experiencing
selected memory syndrome again.
Joey: See Phoebe, fighting, we never did
that.
Ross: We’re not fighting, we’re discussing our
dinner arrangements.
Phoebe: Sounds like fighting to me.
Monica: You’re going to Mom and Dad’s? Why weren’t Chandler and I invited?
Ross: You were.
But Chandler told them you guys already had plans.
Monica: We don’t have any plans. What is the matter with him?
Rachel: Don’t look at me, he’s your husband.
CHANDLER
& MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is busy preparing dinner as Monica
enters)
Monica
(dejected): Hey.
Chandler: Hey honey.
Monica: What are you doing? What’s with all the flowers and stuff?
Chandler: I’m making a romantic dinner for us.
Monica: Are you feeling ok?
Chandler: I feel great.
Monica: Oh, I thought you might not be feeling well
‘cause you’re actually making dinner.
What’s for dinner?
Chandler: My specialty.
Monica: Grilled cheese and macaroni &
cheese?
Chandler: You got it.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Do you love me?
Chandler: More than you can imagine. Do you love me?
Monica: I really do. (pause) Do you think it’s
odd that we haven’t had sex in three weeks?
Chandler: It’s just a dry spell, it happens to all
couples.
Monica: I’m afraid to have sex.
Chandler: Run that by me again.
Monica: It’s not you honey, you haven’t done
anything wrong, it’s me.
Chandler: So you’re not mad at me for spilling coffee
all over the rug?
Monica: You spilled coffee on the rug?
Chandler: No. Hypothetical question. (pause) Why are
you afraid to have sex?
Monica: I’m afraid to get pregnant again.
Chandler: I thought that was what you wanted. What we wanted.
Monica: I think I need to talk to someone about my
miscarriage.
Chandler: That’s what I’m here for Mon.
Monica: No sweetie, I need to talk to a
professional.
Chandler: Can I come?
Monica: Why do you wanna come?
Chandler: So I can better understand where you’re
coming from. You haven’t really been
into it when we have had sex since that happened.
Monica: You’ve noticed?
Chandler: Yeah, except for that episode at Disneyland,
you’ve come across like you’re accommodating me. It’s like you’ve been have sex with me just because it’s
expected.
Monica: I’m sorry.
Chandler: What’s there to be sorry about? I’m just glad to know why you’ve been acting
so distant.
Monica: So you’ll come with me?
Chandler: I wouldn’t miss it. Come here.
(Monica goes over and hugs Chandler)
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: I love you too.
Monica:
Now where did you spill the
coffee?
Chandler: I see some things haven’t changed.
CENTRAL
PERK
(Joey, Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: So are you bummed that you and Pheebs broke
up?
Joey: Not at all.
It’s the greatest breakup ever.
And besides, I get to go back to my ways.
Rachel: I guess we better warn the single female
population in the tri-state area.
Joey: Very funny.
(a
woman enters Central Perk)
Rachel: Ah Joey, I think you know that woman.
Ross: Where?
Rachel: She just walked in.
Woman: Joey?
Joey: Oh my God, Courteney, what are you doing
here and where in God’s name is my stuff?