THE ONE WITH THE HOLIDAY

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK – (Everyone but Monica is present)

Rachel: I really love this time of year.

Ross: Yeah, the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, stepping in ice puddles, you can’t beat it.

Rachel: That’s not what I meant.

Phoebe: I love the Christmas lights, the way they flicker against the backdrop of snow falling, it makes me feel all warm inside.

Chandler: Reading Christmas cards again Pheebs?

Phoebe: Of course. You think I believe that crap?

Joey: Well I for one love the holidays.

Rachel: See, I knew I could count on Joey. I knew he could see the true meaning of the holidays.

Joey: Yeah, I mean who wouldn’t love the holidays. It’s the best time of the year to get all the stuff that you can’t afford yourself.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)

Joey: Dude, this place looks like a girl lives here. What the hell is this?

Ross: That’s a…..I have no idea what that is.

Joey: So what are you getting Rach for Christmas?

Ross: I have no idea.

Joey: How about…..

Ross: And I’m not giving her coupons for Ross love.

Joey: I was gonna say give her Joey love coupons. You know I’ve always had the hots for her.

Ross: What?

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s Monica that I have the hots for.

Ross: That’s even worse!

Joey: How’s that worse?

Ross: That’s my sister you’re talking about.

Joey: Dude, don’t wig out on me! Chandler’s the one doing your sister.

Ross: What are you getting Phoebe?

Joey: Coupons for Joey love.

Ross: Seriously, what are you getting her?

Joey: That not good enough?

Ross: No! She’s your girlfriend now. You’ve got to get her something special.

Joey: Maybe I’ll give her….

Ross: And throwing in a trip to Tony’s Pizza isn’t gonna cut it either.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Aren’t you supposed to be at work?

Chandler: What day is it?

Phoebe: It’s Tuesday.

Chandler: No, the date.

Phoebe: It’s December 11.

Chandler (looking in his daily planner): Let me see….nope, today is a sick day.

Phoebe: You schedule your sick days?

Chandler: Of course. I have tomorrow off too to recover from my stomach flu today.

Phoebe: Then why did you act like you were leaving for work this morning?

Chandler: So Monica would think I’m at work.

Phoebe: But what happens if she calls you at work?

Chandler: My office phone forwards my calls to here.

Phoebe: That’s amazing. But what if you’re not here? What about your message machine?

Chandler: The message machine happens to be broken.

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: It’s kinda hard for it to work when it’s unplugged.

Phoebe: Ok, last one. I think I’ve got you this time you lying weasel. What if Monica comes home unexpectedly?

Chandler: Then I rush to the bathroom and act like I’m throwing up.

Phoebe: You’re a genius.

Chandler: That has been said by many….except by my own wife.

Phoebe: So are you ready to go shopping?

Chandler: Lead the way my fair lady.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working when Monica enters)

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: What are you doing here?!

Monica: It’s nice to see you too.

Rachel: Sorry, you startled me. What’s up?

Monica: Can you get out of here today?

Rachel: Not really.

Monica: Come on, let’s go shopping.

Rachel: Oh sweetie I’d love to but I’ve gotta finish this report for my boss.

Monica: Tell her that your morning sickness is outta control.

Rachel: As in accidentally puking on the report so I have to re-do it when I feel better?

Monica: Whatever floats your boat.

Rachel: Give me a minute.

Monica: I’ll be out in the hall.

(Monica goes out into the hall)

Monica (to Rachel’s secretary): Hi, I’m Monica, Rachel’s friend.

Secretary: That’s nice. Excuse me.

(Rachel emerges from her office)

Rachel: Let’s go shopping.

Monica: Ah, what’s the matter with your secretary? She was totally rude to me.

Rachel: Did you introduce yourself?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah, she hates people who are nice to her.

MACY’S DEPARTMENT STORE (Phoebe and Chandler are shopping)

Chandler: Why are we here?

Phoebe: You have to get something nice for Monica.

Chandler: But I already got her something.

Phoebe: You are not giving her a gift certificate to Rite Aid.

Chandler: But think of all the cleaning supplies she could get.

Phoebe: How about this sweater? She’d look good in this sweater.

Chandler: Is that what you want me to get you for Christmas Pheebs?

Phoebe: No, what would make you think that?

Chandler: Ah, the fact that you’re drooling.

Phoebe: Would you get it or me?

Chandler: Sure, it’s easier than you returning any gift that I would’ve picked out myself.

Phoebe: You’re so sweet. I’m gonna try it on. (Phoebe takes off her shirt and tries it on)

Chandler: Ah, they have dressing rooms you know.

Phoebe: I know, but this is much quicker. It’s perfect, I’ll take it. I mean, Chandler, this would be a great gift for you to give me.

Chandler: Give me the sweater. (Phoebe takes the sweater off, and goes to put her shirt back on)

Little Boy (passing by): Momma, that woman’s getting naked in the store.

Chandler (to woman): Don’t mind her, she’s with me. She’s my sister. She’s slow. She’s not allowed out without supervision. If I weren’t here she’d be running around the store completely naked.

Woman: She should really be in a dressing room, there’re impressionable children in the store.

Chandler: I know. I’m sorry for the show. (The woman and boy walk away) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Let’s go find some lingerie for Monica. She’d love that.

Chandler: You’re not gonna try that on too are you?

Phoebe: Maybe lover boy.

VIRGIN MEGASTORE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)

Rachel: You’re really gonna get Chandler John Denver’s box set for Christmas?

Monica: Yeah, they don’t have posters of Jane Leeves, it’s the next best thing. Ew, I should get him Britney Spears’ new album.

Rachel: He likes Britney Spears? Isn’t he a little old for that?

Monica: He says he doesn’t like her, but he’s always singing her songs in the shower.

Rachel: Are you sure he isn’t gay?

Monica: I know, I wonder about that too. What are you getting Ross?

Rachel: Maybe I should pick him up some Kenny G CDs while I’m here.

Monica: If you get some bubble bath soaps he’ll love you forever.

Rachel: Ew, that’s a great idea.

Monica: Are you sure Ross isn’t a girl?

Rachel: If he’s a girl, I wouldn’t be knocked up now would I? (pause) He really does act like a girl doesn’t he?

Monica: We’re pathetic, you married a girl and I married a closeted gay man.

TONY’S PIZZA (Ross and Joey are eating lunch)

Ross: I can’t believe you’re giving Phoebe an X-Box for Christmas.

Joey: Why?

Ross: Oh I dunno, the fact that she doesn’t play video games comes to mind.

Joey: But I do.

Ross: You’re supposed to get her something that she’s gonna enjoy, not something that you’re gonna enjoy.

Joey: Look, you don’t understand Phoebe and I’s relationship. It’s different then a normal relationship. Our relationship is special. You wouldn’t understand.

Ross: Based on sex?

Joey: Ok, so you understand one aspect. But it’s deeper than that.

Ross: And selfishness?

Joey: Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe behind my back?

Ross: No!

Joey: Look, you got Rachel clothes for Christmas. What kinda gift is that?

Ross: They’re maternity clothes and she needs them.

Joey: Clothes aren’t fun! They’re practical! Get her something exciting!

Ross: I did get her something exciting!

Joey: Ross, giving your wife Lamaze classes is not exciting.

Ross: So you’re saying I should’ve gotten her an X-Box too?

Joey: Now you’re thinking. Let’s go back to Toys R’ Us and get her the ultimate game machine.

Ross: Seriously, I’m gonna do something special for Rachel for Christmas.

Joey: What is it?

Ross: Like I’m gonna tell you. You’re dating the biggest mouth on the planet.

Joey: Hey, don’t talk about Phoebe that way!

Ross: You know its true.

Joey: Still.

Ross: That’s what I thought.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone’s present)

Monica: Did everyone finish there holiday shopping?

Joey: We have to get gifts for everyone?!

Monica: Sorry Joey, you’re no longer a poor actor. We expect gifts from you this year.

Joey: But it’s Christmas Eve, all the stores are closed! Damn it! I’ll be back. (Joey leaves)

Chandler: I guess we can all expect gift certificates to Burger World from Joey.

Phoebe: I know what Chandler got everyone.

Rachel: Ew, what did he get me?

Phoebe: A new vibrator.

Chandler: Phoebe! You promised not to tell.

Ross: Well as exciting as this conversation is, Rachel and I have to go see Ben and give him his Christmas presents.

Monica: Damn, I forgot to get Ben something for Christmas.

Phoebe: What a great aunt you are.

Chandler: Don’t worry Mon, I got Ben’s gift this year.

Monica: What did you get him?

Chandler: An X-box.

Ross: What’s that?

Rachel: You are a complete idiot Ross. Everyone knows an X-box is the video game console of the 21^st century.

Ross: Great, you’re gonna warp my kid’s brain with video games.

Phoebe: Ross, I think you’ve done enough damage with all the dinosaurs you’ve gotten him.

Ross: Hey, those are educational toys. It’s important for him to learn.

Chandler: Well now he can unlearn things while frying his mind when he’s playing video games.

CAROL & SUSAN’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are at the door)

Susan: Who is it?

Ross: It’s Ross and Rachel, the heterosexual parenting team.

Susan: Hey! Merry Christmas.

Ross: Susan.

Susan: Ross.

Rachel: Hey Susan, Merry Christmas. Where’s Carol?

Susan: She’s with Ben in his bedroom. (shouting) Carol, Ross and Rachel are here. (normal voice) Sorry, having a kid around does strange things to you.

Carol: Hey guys, Merry Christmas.

Ben: Hi Daddy, hi Mommy Rachel.

Ross: How’s my boy? Have you been good for Santa Claus this year?

Ben: Dad, Santa Claus isn’t real.

Ross: What? Of course Santa Claus is real.

Ben: Then explain to me how he can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night. It’s physically impossible.

Rachel (to Susan): When did this happen?

Susan: Tonight. That’s what Carol and Ben were talking about in his bedroom.

Ross: Ben, Santa Claus is real. He can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night because he’s magical.

Ben: Fine, you believe what you wanna believe, but I know Santa isn’t real. What did you get me for Christmas?

Rachel: It’s a surprise. You can’t open it until tomorrow.

Ben: You have no idea what Daddy got me do you?

Carol: Ben!

Rachel: Actually he’s right, I have no idea.

(knock on the door, Chandler and Monica enter)

Ben: Cool, Uncle Chandler’s here!

Susan: What about Auntie Monica? Aren’t you glad to see her too?

Ben: Oh right, hi Auntie Monica.

Monica: How’s my favorite nephew?

Ben: I’m your only nephew.

Susan: Ben, stop being a brat or we’re sending all your gifts back.

Monica (to Chandler) That’s it, I’m giving him our present.

Chandler (under his breath): But I’m the one who bought it.

Monica (under her breath): Yes, but you’re only related to him because you’re married to me. Now give it to me!

Chandler: Fine, here.

Monica: Ben, do you wanna open your gift from your Aunt and Uncle?

Ben: Can I mom?

Rachel (to Carol and Susan): Which one of us is he talking to?

Susan: Everyone say yes now.

Susan/Carol/Rachel: Yes.

Ross: Ok, that’s a little weird.

Monica: Here you go Ben. (Ben takes the gift and starts tearing off the wrapping paper)

Ben: Look everybody, Uncle Chandler and Aunt Monica got me an X-box! (hugging Chandler) Thanks Uncle Chandler.

Susan: Don’t forget Aunt Monica Ben.

Ben: Thanks Aunt Monica!

Monica: Your welcome Ben.

Carol: Ah Monica and Chandler can I see you guys for a minute?

Monica: Sure.

Carol: Ok, next time we all have to get together to talk about what we’re getting Ben.

Chandler: Ok. Why exactly?

Carol: Because now Susan and I don’t have a Santa gift for Ben.

Chandler: Sorry about that.

Monica: Yeah, we didn’t know.

Carol: It’s ok, we’ll us one of Ross’ gifts as a Santa present.

Chandler (laughing): Why, do you make the kid not believe in Santa anymore?

Monica: Chandler!

Carol: Actually Ben and I had the discussion tonight. Apparently some kid at his school went around and told all the boys that Santa wasn’t real anymore.

Monica: That’s a mean thing to do.

Carol: Yeah, I asked Ben how the other little boy could be so sure that Santa wasn’t real. You know what he said?

Monica: What?

Carol: If Santa were real he’d be so fat from eating all the cookies at each house he went to that he’d never fit down the chimney.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Christmas morning. Rachel has awakened, Ross is still asleep)

Rachel: Ross, wake up. (shaking Ross) Ross! Wake up!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It’s Christmas morning.

Ross: What time is it?

Rachel: It’s 6:30 am.

Ross: Now I now why the Jewish faith doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

Rachel: What time did you come to bed last night?

Ross: About two hours ago.

Rachel: What in the hell were you doing?

Ross: You’ll see. May I go back to sleep now please?

Rachel: No, I wanna know what you were doing until 4:30.

Ross: Let me sleep an hour and then I’ll show you.

Rachel (whining): But I wanna see now!

Ross: Ok, now you’re starting to sound like Janice.

Rachel: Ross Geller, I wanna see now.

Ross: Are you threatening me?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: Ok, ok. Let’s go.

(Ross and Rachel enter the family room)

Rachel: Well?

Ross: Right this way.

Rachel: Should I close my eyes?

Ross: I’d love to.

Rachel: Not you you idiot, me.

Ross: Close your eyes. (Rachel closes her eyes and Ross opens the door to the second bedroom) Alright, open them.

Rachel (opening her eyes and seeing the second bedroom done up as a nursery) Oh my God! You did all this?

Ross: Surprise!

Rachel: Oh Ross, it’s so beautiful! And it’s in neutral colors, perfect for a boy or a girl. I love it so much!

Ross: Thanks, can I go back to bed now?

Rachel: Yes. Thanks honey, I love you so much.

Ross: I love you too.

Rachel: Oh Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel (crying): I really do love it.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone’s present)

Joey: Ha! And you guys thought I’d get you gift certificates to Burger World again.

Chandler: You definitely went all out my man. My own X-Box, now I’ll call in sick to work three days a week. (notices Monica is glaring at him) Not that I’d ever do that if I weren’t sick.

Monica: Yeah right. You forgot to plug the answering machine back in before I got home the other day.

Phoebe: He he, you’re so busted you lying little weasel.

Monica: Oh and Phoebe, we need to speak before you go. Oh, and I love my steam cleaner. Now we just have to get carpet.

Chandler: How do you like your sweater Pheebs?

Phoebe: I love it. You’ve got really great taste.

Joey: Rach, how about them Lamaze classes? Ross really scored didn’t he?

Rachel: More than you’ll ever know Joey.

Joey (to Ross): How do you do that?

Ross: It comes from being in touch with your feminine side.

Joey: Well at least that explains why I have no clue when it comes to buying presents for women.

Monica: So did you like the nursery Rach?

Rachel: I loved it. I was so surprised. None of you knew about this?

Phoebe: About what?

Rachel: The nursery that Ross spent all night getting ready for me.

Phoebe: Not a clue.

Joey: I knew.

Ross: You did not!

Joey: You told me you had a surprise for Rachel.

Ross: But I didn’t tell you what it was.

Chandler: Yeah, Joey’s idea of a surprise present is dressing up naked and putting a ribbon on his head and saying “Merry Christmas”!

Phoebe: He told you about that?

Rachel: Anyway, who got me these cooking classes?

Chandler: I did.

Rachel: Are you trying to tell me something?

Chandler: It was Ross’ idea.

Rachel: Oh was it?

Ross: I just thought that you might enjoy learning how to cook.

Monica: Where is Chandler?

Phoebe: He and Joey are out on the balcony looking through the telescope. They mentioned something about hunting for naked women.

Rachel: Leave ‘em be Mon, it’s Christmas.

Ross: I think I’ll go join ‘em.

Rachel: Sit down Ross!

Monica: What happened to “it’s Christmas” Rach?

Rachel: Your husband didn’t tell his best friend to get you cooking classes for Christmas.

CLOSING CREDITS

CAROL & SUSAN’S APARTMENT (Ben has finished opening his gifts)

Carol: Well Ben, are you happy with what you got this year?

Ben: Yeah. I really can’t wait to play video games.

Susan: So you believe in Santa again?

Ben: Of course not. Santa would never get me a junior paleontology set for Christmas. The only Santa around here is Daddy.

Carol: But Daddy got you a telescope.

Ben: Oh. I thought that was from Uncle Chandler.

Susan: Why?

Ben: Because he told me that I could use a telescope to look for naked girls.