THE ONE WHERE THE GOOD DOCTOR GELLER GOES HOLLYWOOD

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross is present)

Phoebe (looking at some guy in the coffeehouse): Oh, that guy is so cute!

Monica: Go talk to him Phoebe.

Phoebe: No way, I wouldn’t know what to say. Hey, that rhymes!

Chandler: Just go over there and be yourself.

Phoebe: Like I’m taking advice from a guy who was afraid to tell us he was dating Monica.

Chandler: Hey, that’s not fair. (everyone looks at Chandler) Ok, she’s right.

Rachel: He’s looking right at you Pheebs, he’s definitely interested in you.

Joey: I know, go tell him that you think he’s really cute and that you want to have sex with him tonight.

All (but Phoebe): Joey!

Phoebe: That’s a great idea Joey, thanks! (Phoebe walks over to the guy and starts talking to him)

Joey: And you guys think I don’t have a way with the ladies.

Chandler: No we don’t doubt that, but when and where did you learn to pick-up guys?

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Phoebe is still talking to the guy)

Monica: They seem to be getting along.

Joey: That’s because she took my advice.

Monica: Ok, they seem to be getting along in spite of Joey’s advice.

Chandler: By the way, where’s Jennifer?

Rachel: She left this morning for Los Angeles. Don’t you wanna know where Ross is?

Chandler: Not particularly.

Rachel: Ross went with her.

Joey: Ross went to LA with Jennifer Aniston?

Rachel: Yup. Jennifer knows Steven Speilberg, and well, he’s the Executive Producer for Jurassic Park III. Steven told Jennifer that they needed another technical adviser, so she recommended Ross.

Monica: And he asked Ross personally?

Rachel: Yeah. He’s flying to LA with Jennifer to meet Steven Speilberg, Joe Johnston, who’s directing, and the other technical advisers.

Joey: You’re totally lying. No way does Ross get to meet Steven Speilberg.

Rachel: Well when he calls me from LA I’ll let you talk to him.

Joey: Ross or Steven Speilberg?

Rachel: Ross.

Chandler: Joey, do I smell a bet?

Joey: A bet?

Chandler: If Rachel’s lying, I’ll wear a bikini all day. But if Rachel’s telling the truth, you’ll wear a bikini all day.

Joey: You’re on.

Monica (pointing to Chandler and Joey): You two are morons.

Rachel: Better get your bikini out Joey.

(Phoebe returns)

Joey: Well?

Phoebe: His name is Ryan and we’re going out tonight.

Monica: That’s great Phoebe!

Joey: Did you use the sex thing?

Phoebe: I didn’t have to, I just told him that I was very limber.

LOS ANGELES – UNIVERSAL STUDIOS (Ross and Jennifer Aniston are going to their meeting with Steven Speilberg)

Ross: I can’t do this.

Jennifer: Why not?

Ross: Because I’m not a celebrity. I’m just a paleontology professor. I’m a nobody.

Jennifer: You’re a nobody who knows more about dinosaurs then almost all of the people in that room. Come on, you know your stuff. You read Dinosaur Monthly every month.

Ross: You’re not gonna let me live that down are you?

Jennifer: Not likely. Are you ready?

Ross: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Jennifer: Ok, you’re definitely ready.

(Jennifer and Ross enter the meeting room)

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica are hanging out)

Rachel: And then Jennifer said that we should have flowers everywhere.

Monica: You know, you really seem to like Jennifer, that’s all you keep talking about.

Rachel: I’m sorry. What’s up with you?

Monica: Well Chandler and I have decided to put off the whole baby thing.

Rachel: Oh that reminds me, Jennifer and Brad are thinking about having a baby.

Monica: Rachel?

Rachel: What?

Monica: Would you please stop talking about Jennifer?

Rachel: Oh, was I doing it again? You know when you meet a new friend that you have so much in common with?

Monica: Kinda like you and I?

Rachel: Yeah. But in this case it’s like the sister I never had.

Monica: You have two sisters.

Rachel: I know, but they’re not nice people.

Monica: And I’m not like a sister to you?

Rachel: No. I mean yes.

Monica: That’s convincing. You know what, I see where this is going.

Rachel: Huh?

Monica: You want Jennifer to be your Maid of Honor.

Rachel: No. No I don’t. You’re my Maid of Honor.

Monica: Let me make it easy for you, I don’t want to be your Maid of Honor.

Rachel: Why not?

Monica (upset): Because I have been replaced as your best friend by a good looking, thin, perfect in every way movie star!

(Monica leaves the apartment visibly upset)

Rachel: What just happened?

SORENTINO’S RESTAURANT (Phoebe is having dinner with Ryan)

Ryan: You look really good tonight.

Phoebe: You should see me naked.

Ryan (spitting out his wine): What?

Phoebe: Well if we get to know one another better, I hope we get naked. I’m not one to brag, but I have got one hot body.

Ryan: I would agree.

Phoebe: And like I told you, I’m very limber too.

Ryan: Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?

Phoebe: Not really. (pause) Oh, I did make-out with my roommate Courteney once but we were drunk. Have you ever made-out with a guy?

Ryan: Ah, no.

Phoebe: That’s good. I dated a gay guy once. Actually he was bi-sexual. He left me for a man.

Ryan: You’re amazing.

Phoebe: I know. You’re not too shabby yourself.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS – JENNIFER & BRAD’S RESIDENCE (Jennifer and Ross have returned from their meeting)

Jennifer: See I told you it wouldn’t be that bad, Steven really liked you.

Ross: Did he tell you that before or after I threw up?

Jennifer: Nothing came out, you just dry heaved.

Ross: Still, I dry heaved in front of the most powerful man in Hollywood. Are you sure Brad’s not gonna mind me staying here?

Jennifer: Sure, why not?

Ross: I don’t know? If it was me, I’d be a little…

Jennifer: A little what?

Ross: Weird.

Jennifer: Weird? That makes no sense.

Ross: No, it’s just weird. You’re a married woman letting some guy you barely know stay in your house while your husband is away.

Jennifer: Don’t worry about it, we have an open relationship.

Ross: Excuse me?

Jennifer: I’m kidding Ross. Seriously, Brad won’t mind. If you want to call Rachel, the phone’s over there. I’m gonna go shower and change. Then if you’re up to it, will head into Santa Monica for coffee.

Ross: Sounds good. Ah, where’s my room, I need to change too.

Jennifer: The guest room is down the hall and to the left. It’s the room with all of Brad’s awards, you can’t miss it. If you want, I’ll wait and we can shower together.

Ross: Huh?

Jennifer: You have to be the most gullible person I know. I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.

(Ross walks down the hall to the guest room)

Ross: My God, this room is bigger than our apartment!

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, and Chandler are present)

Joey: We’re not really gonna do this bikini thing are we?

Chandler: We are.

Joey: Don’t you think it’s kinda embarrassing?

Chandler: Not for me, you’re the one who’s gonna be wearing the bikini.

Joey: You don’t know that for sure, nobody’s seen or heard from Ross yet.

Chandler: I have, I spoke to him 20 minutes ago, he called our apartment looking for Rachel.

Joey: So?

Chandler: Get out your bikini man, Ross is in LA with Jennifer Aniston!

Joey: Nah uh.

Chandler: Uh huh.

Joey: Damn it!

(Joey leaves in a huff as Rachel enters)

Rachel: What’s the matter with him?

Chandler: Apparently the news that he’s gonna be wearing a bikini all day is upsetting to him.

Rachel: Ok. Ah, have you seen Monica?

Chandler: She’s at work, why?

Rachel: I just really need to talk to her.

Chandler: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: She’s really upset that you’re having Jennifer be your Maid of Honor instead of her.

Rachel: I’m not having Jennifer as my Maid of Honor! She’s not even in my bridal party!

Chandler: Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m just telling you what Monica told me.

Rachel: Monica’s my Maid of Honor!

Chandler: Ok, still yelling.

Rachel: I’m sorry, I just don’t know where she got this idea that she’s not my Maid of Honor.

Chandler: Maybe you should ask her.

Rachel: You just told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me!

Chandler: What do I know? I am a guy for Christ’s sake.

STARBUCK’S – SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA (Jennifer and Ross are having coffee)

Jennifer: So are you glad you made the trip?

Ross: Yeah, though I really miss Rachel.

Jennifer: Geez, you left her this morning and you already miss her. Now that’s love.

Ross: What? Don’t you miss Brad?

Jennifer: Hell yes. If you weren’t here I’d be holed up in my house.

Ross: You don’t go out when he’s gone?

Jennifer: It’s kinda hard for me to go anywhere without the paparazzi bothering me.

Ross: Then why are we out now?

Jennifer: I really don’t think I should answer that question.

Ross: Come on, I wanna know why.

Jennifer: Ok, but don’t get upset.

Ross: I won’t get upset, I promise.

Jennifer: Ok. (pause) I can go out in public with you because most people would never expect me to be hanging out with someone like you.

Ross (mad): What?!

Jennifer: Ok see, I told you you wouldn’t like that answer, but it’s the truth.

Ross (calmer): Why wouldn’t they think that you are a normal person like everyone else?

Jennifer: I am a movie star Ross. To them, we don’t have normal friends like everyone else. I can’t sunbathe topless in my own backyard because I fear the tabloids or some porn magazine will take pictures and publish them.

Ross: That sucks.

Jennifer: Which part?

Ross: The whole sunbathing topless deal, I love it when Rachel does that. (A photographer’s flash goes off) What was that?

Jennifer: That was our cue that I have been spotted, we have to go.

Ross: This is so cool! (Jennifer just looks at him) Ok, for me at least.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler & Monica are present)

Chandler: Where’s Courteney Joey?

Joey: She went to work already. Why are you still here?

Chandler: Because I don’t have to be at work at a specific time now that I’m the head honcho.

Monica (to Chandler): You promised you wouldn’t use that word anymore!

(Phoebe enters)

Joey: Hey Pheebs, how was the date?

Phoebe: It was yummy!

Chandler: Yummy?

Phoebe: Ryan is so yummy. I had such a great time with him.

Monica: That’s great Phoebe. Maybe we can double date sometime?

Phoebe: No offense, but you can’t double date with married people.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: ‘Cause you can’t. Joey, what are you and Courteney doing tonight?

Joey: Courteney’s going to her parents, sorry Pheebs.

Monica: Chandler and I are free Pheebs.

Phoebe: Sorry Mon, it’s not gonna happen. Ok, I’ve got to go to the bank. Bye.

(Phoebe leaves)

Chandler: Alright, I better get to work. Wanna share a cab bikini man?

Joey: Stop calling me that.

Chandler: Are you coming or not?

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler and Joey leave. Rachel enters)

Rachel: Mon, I’m so glad you’re here.

Monica: Look Rachel, I’ve got a lot to do today, this isn’t the best time. Why don’t you call Jennifer and chat with her?

Rachel (mad): Would you cut it out!

Monica: Are you yelling at me?

Rachel: No.

Monica: Are we done?

Rachel: No we’re not done. We’re not done until you figure it out that you’re still my Maid of Honor.

Monica: I told you, I don’t wanna be your Maid of Honor anymore.

Rachel (starting to cry): Why are you doing this to me? You’re supposed to be my best friend!

Monica: I haven’t done anything, you’ve brought this on yourself.

Rachel: What are you talking about?

Monica: You have Jennifer now, you don’t need me to be your best friend.

Rachel: You’re not gonna be my Maid of Honor because I’m friends with Jennifer?

Monica: No, I’m not your Maid of Honor because you love her more than you love me!

Rachel (barely coherent because of her crying): What?! You’re, you’re, you’re my closet and dearest friend and except for your stupid brother, I love you the most!

Monica (now also crying): Then why did you go out and find a new friend? Aren’t Phoebe and I enough?

Rachel: If you give her a chance, Jennifer will be you’re friend too! Monica, we’ve been friends since we were young, nothing can ever change that. I’m mean, you know things about me that I’ve never told Ross about.

Monica (now laughing/crying): Like the time we took that shower together?

Rachel: Yes. And the time we stole all of Ross’s pot and smoked it ourselves.

Monica (walking over to Rachel and hugging her): I’m so sorry I got jealous. Can I still be your Maid of Honor?

Rachel: I wouldn’t want anyone else. I love you.

Monica: I love you too. (pause) Wanna take a shower?

Rachel: Sorry, I don’t do that with married women.

Monica: I should have never gotten married!

CLOSING CREDITS

JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (Three days have past. Everyone is waiting for Ross to get off the plane)

Joey: Where in the hell is he? I’m so hot!

Chandler: Then take off your coat, you look like an idiot with a coat on. It’s 90 degrees outside.

Joey: I am not taking off the coat. I’m wearing a bikini.

Monica: Please don’t take off the coat Joey!

Rachel: There he is!

Monica: Do you have the paper?

Phoebe: It’s right here, but I’m not done reading the article.

Rachel: Give me the paper! (takes paper out of Phoebe’s hand)

Phoebe: Paper cut! Paper cut!

Rachel: Ross, over here!

Ross: Hey sweetie! (hugs and kisses Rachel) What are you guys doing here? (pointing to the rest of the gang)

Chandler: Well we wanted to meet Jennifer Aniston’s newest love interest.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Apparently you met some new love interest in LA. (shows Ross a headline that reads – JENNIFER CHEATING ON BRAD WITH NYU PROFESSOR) Would you care to explain?

Ross: Hey, that’s a picture of us having coffee at Starbuck’s. This is so cool, I’m a celebrity now. By the way, why is Joey wearing a coat, it’s hot as hell in here.

Joey: This is why….(Joey opens his coat and show Ross that he’s wearing a bikini)

Ross: My eyes! My eyes!

The End