CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Monica: Pheebs, do you wanna work a shift tonight?

Phoebe: Yeah! That’ll be so much fun! I promise I’ll do it right this time.

Rachel: What did you do wrong last time?

Monica: Pretty much everything.

Ross: Where’s Joey?

(Joey enters with a beautiful brunette)

Ross: Never mind. Wow! She’s hot.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I said it’s hot in here.

Rachel: I thought so.

Joey: Hey guys, this is Candace. Candace, this is Chandler.

Chandler: Hi.

Joey: That’s Ross over there, and that’s his wife Rachel on his lap.

Ross/Rachel: Hey.

Joey: That’s Monica, Chandler’s anal retentive wife.

Monica: Thanks Joey. Hi, nice to meet you.

Joey: And that’s my wife Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hi.

Candace: You’re married?

Joey: Yeah, but only for a year. Is that a problem?

Candace: You’re vile disgusting pig. I, I can‘t believe you’re married! Goodbye!

Joey: Wow, I really didn’t see that one coming. It’s a good thing we had sex first.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast)

Phoebe: I totally cleaned up last night.

Monica: How much did you make?

Phoebe: $500.

Monica: Did you steal money again?

Phoebe: No! I had this table of Japanese businessmen and they absolutely loved me.

Chandler: Did you show them your pierced nipples?

Phoebe: Not exactly.

Monica: Not exactly? What the hell did you do?

Phoebe: I let them feel my nipples through my shirt. I’m going out with one the guys tonight. His name is Taka.

Chandler: Is he related to Chaka?

Monica: Who’s Chaka?

Chandler: You know, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan the singer. You guys have no idea do you?

Monica: Anyway……do you wanna work tonight?

Phoebe: I can’t, I’m going to Japan with Taka.

Monica: You’re going to Japan?!

Phoebe: Little Japan town here in the City. I’m a sensible woman, like I’d run off to Japan with some random guy.

Chandler: Does Joey know?

Phoebe: Who cares? It’s not like we’re married.

Chandler: But you are married Pheebs.

Phoebe: Damn, I guess I’d better tell him.

Monica: Did you tell Taka that you’re married?

Phoebe: Of course I did. (Monica and Chandler just look at Phoebe) Ok, so I didn’t. But he doesn’t speak English anyway.

Chandler: Does he have a translator?

Phoebe: No. So it’s kinda hard to talk to him. We just nod at each other.

Monica: Sounds like a great guy Phoebe.

Phoebe: Thanks Mon.

Monica: I was being sarcastic.

Phoebe: I know that too.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: I still don’t think that it was a good idea that we let Ben go spend time with Carol and Ryan.

Rachel: Why not? Carol’s one of his mothers. She’s entitled to spend time with her son. Wait a minute, you’re jealous of Ryan aren’t you?

Ross: I’m not jealous of Ryan. I don’t even know Ryan.

Rachel: Well look at it this way, you get to spend more time with me.

Ross: That’s a pretty crappy consolation prize.

Rachel: You know you love me.

Ross: Only because I have to honey. Only because I have to.

Rachel: Well since we have the weekend to ourselves, I figured we’d spend some quality time together.

Ross: What did I do now?

Rachel: You didn’t do anything. Why are you so freaked out?

Ross: You usually say we have to spend quality time if I’ve done something to hurt your feelings.

Rachel: Well you didn’t hurt my feelings. I just thought it’d be fun to spend the weekend together.

Ross: Oh. (knock on the door) I’ll get it. So what do you want to do?

Rachel: We could shopping for baby clothes.

Ross: Like I said, what do you want to do? (Ross opens the door. It’s Brad)

Brad: Hey!

Ross: Brad! What are you doing here?!

Rachel: Don’t be an idiot Ross. Let him in.

Ross: Right. Come on in. Why are you here?

Brad: Do you remember how I decked that guy in the restaurant a couple of months ago?

Rachel: Yeah, the guy wanted Jennifer to sign her name on his hairy ass.

Brad: Right. Well my court date is on Monday so I figured I’d stop by and see you guys. I hope you don’t mind.

Ross: Not at all. You’re saving me from a day of shopping. Wanna beer or something?

Rachel: Ok, now you’ve hurt my feelings.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Joey: You know, this marriage thing really sucks. It’s cramping my sex life. They find out you’re married and they run the other way.

Phoebe: Are you sure it’s the marriage thing?

Joey: What else would it be?

Phoebe: How about that cologne you’re wearing? You smell like a duck.

Joey: Damn it! I put the duck’s medicine on me again.

Phoebe: Oh, I‘ve got a date tonight. I hope that’s ok.

Joey: Why would I care?

Phoebe: Because you’re my husband.

Joey: Oh. Then you can’t go.

Phoebe: Why not?

Joey: Well someone has to make my dinner.

Phoebe: That’s what Monica is for.

Joey: She’s working tonight.

Phoebe: Then I’ll order the Joey special.

Joey: Ok, you can go. Actually that’s great. Sasha is coming over. We’ll have the place to ourselves.

Phoebe: Where’d you meet Sasha?

Joey: At the Laundromat.

Phoebe: What were you doing at the Laundromat? I do your laundry.

Joey: For which I’m eternally grateful.

Phoebe: Well what were you doing there?

Joey: Checking out the latest designs in female undergarments.

Phoebe: You know you can’t be here when I bring Taka home right?

Joey: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: It’s my turn to bring home a date.

Joey: Damn, that’s right. Well I’ll just make sure we go to Sasha’s place.

Phoebe: How are you gonna do that?

Joey: I’m a klutz, especially around red wine.

Phoebe: You really are a pig aren’t you?

Joey: Pretty much. Have fun. (Joey leaves)

CENTRAL PERK (Monica and Chandler are present)

Monica: You know honey, you should really start working out again.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: You’re getting fat.

Chandler: Ok, no more of this total honesty crap. I am not getting fat.

Monica: Stand up, I bet you can’t even see your shoes.

Chandler: I am not standing up. I can’t stand up because of this stupid cast. Oh and love me for who I am.

Monica: I do love you for who you are fat man.

Chandler: I’m surprised I’m fat since your cooking sucks.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

Monica: Whatever mister come in ten seconds.

Chandler: At least I don’t have fake boobs silicone woman.

Monica: Gay boy.

Chandler: Closet lesbian.

Monica: How?

Chandler: The Rachel incident.

Monica: Oh.

(Ross, Rachel and Brad enter)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: What are you guys doing?

Monica: Insulting each other.

Brad: Having another marriage moment?

Monica: Oh hey Brad, I didn’t see you there. When’d you get into town?

Chandler: You didn’t see him because of your fake boobs dear.

Monica: Whatever dick do.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Your stomach hangs down further than your dick do.

Rachel: Ross, Brad, why don’t we leave these children alone and go get something to eat.

Ross: Good idea.

Brad: Dick do huh. I’ve gotta remember that one.

THAI VILLAGE RESTAURANT (Ross, Rachel and Brad are eating)

Rachel: How come Jennifer didn’t come?

Brad: She wanted some time alone. She’s flying in Sunday for my court appearance on Monday.

Ross: What does that mean? Is everything ok between you two?

Brad: Everything’s gonna be fine. We just needed a little space. We’ve been trying to get pregnant and nothing’s worked and she’s really frustrated.

Rachel: Are you sure you’re doing it right?

Ross: Honey, I don’t think this is something to joke about.

Brad: We’ve done everything. She just can’t seem to get pregnant.

Rachel: How long have you been trying?

Brad: Since you guys came for your visit.

Rachel: Wow, it has been a while.

Brad: Anyway, she’ll be here Sunday night. She said she wanted to see you guys if possible.

Rachel: Sure, we could do dinner or something.

Brad: Oh and Ross, she wanted to know if she could sleep with you. She figures you’ve got potent sperm since you got Rachel pregnant and all.

Ross: I could do that.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Ross: I’m just trying to help out our friends honey.

(a moment of silence)

Brad: Like I’d let Ross sleep with Jennifer. Come on Rachel, get a clue.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Phoebe and Taka come in)

Phoebe (surprised): Joey! What are you doing here?

Joey: I live here.

Phoebe: Taka, go over there for a minute. (motioning to her bedroom) I have to talk to my roommate. (Taka leaves for the bedroom) What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at Sasha’s.

Joey: She found out I was married.

Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you?

Joey: Not exactly.

Phoebe: What happened then?

Joey: She asked about the ring?

Phoebe: What did you say?

Joey: I said I was in the Lord of The Rings but she didn’t believe me.

Phoebe: Since when did you start going out with women who were actually smart?

Joey: Since I married you.

Phoebe: That’s so sweet.

(Joey and Phoebe start kissing as Taka emerges from the bedroom in only his underwear)

Joey: Your dude there is standing in his underwear.

Phoebe: I’d tell him to leave but he doesn’t understand English.

Joey: What are we gonna do?

Phoebe: He‘ll figure it out. Let’s go to bed.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch staring at one another)

Monica: My cooking doesn’t suck.

Chandler: That’s not what the Daily News wrote.

Monica: You’re father called, he wants his red dress back.

Chandler: Your mother called and it turns out you were adopted.

Monica: Your mother called to remind you that you have a penis and to start acting like man.

Chandler: Well if you weren’t so infertile you’d be pregnant by now.

Monica (bursting into tears and running into the bedroom): You’re a f$cking butthead!!!

Chandler: Oh crap! Honey, I am so sorry. Please open the door.

Monica: Go f*ck yourself.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel and Brad are present)

Brad: So how far along are you?

Rachel: Six months.

Ross: The longest six months of my life.

Rachel: You know you’ve enjoyed every minute of it.

Ross: Yeah I like the part of having sex with myself the most.

Rachel: What? It’s just like your sex life when you weren’t with me. It’s normal for you.

Brad: Are you sure you don’t wanna have sex with Jennifer when she arrives?

Ross: I’d love to but my chain won’t allow me to roam.

(Chandler enters)

Rachel: Hey Chandler, where Mon?

Chandler: She’s in our bedroom crying.

Ross: Am I gonna have to kick your ass?

Chandler: It looks like you’re gonna have to try.

Brad: What‘d you do?

Chandler: I took our little insult game a little to far.

Rachel: What did you say?

Chandler: Something to the effect that she was too infertile to get pregnant.

Rachel: Chandler!

Ross: Way to go dude. Let’s step outside.

Chandler: We’ll fight later. I’ve got to get her out of the bedroom so I can give her my apologies. Could you help me out Brad?

Brad: Why me?

Chandler: Because she’s secretly in love with you.

Brad: She is?

Chandler: No, but she won‘t listen to any of us anymore.

Brad: Not even Rachel?

Rachel: I handled the last crisis in their marriage. My work here is done.

Brad: Ok, I’ll give it a shot. (Brad and Chandler leave)

Ross: It’s a good thing I’m married to you.

Rachel: Why’s that?

Ross: ’Cause you’re tough as nails, there’s nothing I can say to really hurt you.

Rachel: Really? What about “we were on a break”?

Ross: Ok, there’s one thing. But we don’t talk about that anymore now do we?

Rachel: Were we on a break?

Ross: No.

Rachel: That’s the right answer. See, you’re learning.

Ross: But my actions were justified.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Nothing.

Rachel: Have fun having sex by yourself for the rest of our married life.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Brad have entered. Monica’s in the bedroom)

Chandler: I’m gonna go next door. Good luck.

Brad: I’m not a miracle worker Chandler. You’ve really screwed yourself this time.

Chandler: I know. Just try. I’ll be back. (Chandler leaves)

Brad (at the bedroom door): Monica? Mon, it’s Brad. Open the door.

Monica (opening the door): Hey.

Brad: Have you been crying?

Monica: Not really. A tidal wave just swept through my bedroom.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Chandler enters to find Taka still standing by the guest room door in his underwear)

Chandler: Hey, a Japanese man in his underwear. That’s something you don’t see everyday.

Taka: Konnichi wa (Good afternoon).

Chandler: Konnichi wa.

Taka: Oname wa? (what‘s your name)

Chandler: Chandler desu. (I am Chandler) Oname wa?

Taka: Taka desu. (I am Taka)

Chandler: That’s all I know buddy. Put on your clothes. Phoebe, Joey? Put your clothes on and get out here. (Joey and Phoebe emerge from their bedroom)

Phoebe: He’s still here? He doesn’t take a hint very well.

Chandler: Did you tell him to leave?

Phoebe: I don’t know how.

Chandler: I’ll handle this. (pointing towards the door) Taka, sayonara.

Taka: Sayonara?

Chandler: Gozaimasu, sayonara. (yes, goodbye)

Taka: Sayonara. (Taka leaves)

Joey: Dude, when did you learn Japanese?

Chandler: In college. I took four semesters of it.

Joey: Are you fluent?

Chandler: Hell no! I took the same class four times. I kept flunking.

Phoebe: Why are you here?

Chandler: I insulted Monica one too many times. Brad’s trying to talk to her right now.

Joey: Brad’s here? Is Jennifer with him?

Chandler: No, it’s just Brad.

Joey: What’d you do?

Chandler: I made an insulting remark as to why she’s not pregnant yet.

Phoebe: You really are an idiot. How could you be so insensitive?

Chandler: I’m Chandler. I don’t think before I shoot my mouth off.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Brad and Monica are talking)

Brad: You know, I can really relate to what Chandler said.

Monica: How can you relate to that? He was so mean!

Brad: Hold on, let me explain. About a week ago Jennifer and I were talking about how she couldn’t get pregnant. Well the conversation started out civil and then it got a little personal. She made a remark and I got mad.

Monica: What’d she say?

Brad: She said something that questioned my manhood. I just lost it and said that she couldn’t get pregnant because she was as barren as an orchard in winter. Needless to say, she through a fit and kicked me out of the house. I haven’t talked to her since. Actually, I was staying with my father-in-law.

Monica: Wow, that is serious. Are you guys gonna make it?

Brad: Yeah, I think so. There’s no other woman in the world who could make me as happy as Jennifer has. We’ll work it out. She’ll be here tomorrow. Hopefully she’s forgiven me.

Monica: You know, I’m partially at fault for what happened. I started the insults and I did question Chandler’s manhood. Man, he gets so freaked out when his manhood is questioned. I know better.

Brad: That still doesn’t justify what he said.

Monica: No, but it makes me realize that I’m partially at fault too. Where’s Chandler?

Brad: He’s next door.

Monica: I’m gonna go talk to him.

Brad: Mon?

Monica: Yeah?

Brad: Do me a favor and don’t say anything to anyone. Nobody knows that Jennifer kicked me out.

Monica: Not even Ross or Rachel?

Brad: No, they just know that we had a small argument.

Monica: Ok. Thanks a lot.

Brad: Glad I could help.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Rachel: Joey, where’s your wedding ring?

Phoebe: I’m wearing it.

Brad: Where? I don’t see it. And wait a minute, you two are married? I thought you broke up.

Joey: We did but then she stole Hugsy.

Brad: Who’s Hugsy?

Ross: Joey’s bedtime penguin sleeping pal.

Monica: So where’s the ring Phoebe?

Phoebe: On my nipple chain.

Rachel: How long are you two gonna make a mockery out of marriage?

Joey: Eight and half more months.

(Jennifer enters)

Jennifer: Hey!

Everyone: Hey!

Brad: How was your flight honey?

Jennifer: It was fine. But I’m starving. Who’s hungry?

Everyone but Brad and Monica: Me!

Jennifer: Not hungry honey?

Brad: No. I think I’ll just hang here with Monica.

Jennifer: Ok, I’ll meet you back at the hotel. I’m in room 382.

Brad: Ok.

(Everyone but Brad and Monica leave)

Monica: Looks like she’s still mad at you.

Brad: Yeah. I can’t believe she got a separate room. I don’t know what to do.

Monica: I know. Come with me.

Brad: Where are we going?

Monica: To remind your wife why you’re the love of her life.

Brad: This doesn‘t involve streaking through a restaurant does it?

Monica: No.

Brad: Then what is it?

Monica: You’ll see.

Brad: You better not handcuff me to the bed naked either. She’ll leave me there.

Monica: No, I‘d only do that to Chandler.

Chandler: Phoebe isn’t that Taka over there?

Phoebe: Yeah. Why isn’t he wearing only his underwear?

Chandler: I forgot to tell him to put them on.

Joey: That dude is clueless. Even I know to put clothes on before I go outside.

Ross: Yeah, at least you’ve got that one thing going for you.