THE ONE WHERE JOEY CAN’T KEEP SECRETS

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica, Ross and Joey are present)

Monica: Geez Rach, you look like hell.

Rachel: I am so tired. I could fall asleep right here on this couch.

Joey: Hot sex last night Rach?

Rachel: I’m four months pregnant Joey, the only hot sex Ross is having is with himself.

Joey: Hate to be you man.

Ross: I don’t want to be me either.

Monica: You guys can’t have sex anymore?

Ross: Apparently not.

Rachel: It’s too difficult and uncomfortable.

Joey: So get creative, do it in the butt.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: What? It’s the next best thing.

Monica: For Ross.

Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so, that area is a one-way only zone, and that’s outward.

Joey: You don’t know what you’re missing. (Ross, Rachel and Monica look dumbfoundedly at Joey). Wait a minute, that didn’t come out right.

OPENING CREDITS

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Rachel are present)

Joey: You know, we never hang out like we used to.

Rachel: Joey, you and I’ve never really hung out.

Joey: Sure we have. Don’t you remember the time when I moved in? You offered me lemonade and I thought you meant something else. I took off my clothes only to learn that you just wanted to give me some lemonade.

Rachel: Joey, that was Monica and you. I didn’t move in with Monica until 2 years later. And for the record, I’ve never seen you naked.

Joey: Wanna fix that?

Rachel: No, it’s bad enough that I have to see Ross naked.

Joey: Hairy ass?

Rachel: Like a dense forest.

(short period of silence)

Joey: Wanna go fishing? We could go out on Mr. Beaumont.

Rachel: I thought you sold Mr. Beaumont?

Joey: Right. I always forget about that. I’m sure Chandler wouldn’t mind if we used Ms. Icicle Woman.

Rachel: You sold Mr. Beaumont to Chandler?

Joey: Yeah. He wanted it so I sold it to him for $5,000.

Rachel: Joey, you paid $20,000 for that boat.

Joey: So?

Rachel: Don’t ya think that Chandler ripped you off?

Joey: I needed the money. He had money, so I sold it to him. Besides, what was I gonna do with a boat?

Rachel: Does Monica know that Chandler bought the boat?

Joey: Yeah right. There are a lot things that Monica doesn’t know about Chandler and that’s one of them.

Rachel: Chandler’s keeping secrets from Monica?

Joey: I dunno. Is he?

Rachel: You just said that he is!

Joey: Well I guess he is then. It’s kinda like how Ross doesn’t want you to know that he’s taking you to Hawaii in February.

Rachel: What?!

Joey: Uh oh. (pause) Let’s go get some pizza.

Rachel: Wait a minute Tribbiani! Sit your ass back down! Ross is taking me to Hawaii?

Joey: No. Where’d you get that from?

Rachel: That’s so sweet, I can’t believe him.

Joey: Look Rach, Ross confided in me about the whole trip, so please don’t say anything to him.

Rachel: Ok, I won’t say anything. At least I won’t say that you’re the one who told me.

Joey: Seriously Rachel, don’t say anything to Ross. He’ll never trust me with a secret again.

Rachel: So what other secrets do you know?

Joey: No way. I’ve already given away the farm.

Rachel: Come on Joey, I know you want to tell me.

Joey: Phoebe has pierced nipples. Can we go get a pizza now?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)

Ross: Have you heard from Mom and Dad?

Monica: No. Why?

Ross: Huh. That’s odd. They said they were gonna call you.

Monica: Is there something I should know?

Ross: Yeah. Their 35^th wedding anniversary is on Friday and they’re having a big shindig at the house. All of our relatives and their friends are gonna be there.

Monica: That’s just like Mom. She’ll probably wait until Friday to call hoping that I can’t make it.

Ross: Don’t be like that Mon, I’m sure she’ll call today. She wants you and Chandler to be there. Why else would she ask me for your number?

Monica: My number! I’ve lived in the same apartment for ten years! My phone number’s never changed!

Ross: Ok, you’re breaking the sound barrier again. Calm down. Mom’s getting old, I had to remind her that Rachel and I are married now and expecting her second grandchild.

Monica: Oh. That’s a little better.

Ross: I wanted to see if you and Chandler wanted to go in on a gift with Rachel and me.

Monica: Yeah, I guess.

Ross: Do you have time right now?

Monica: Yeah. What do you want to get them?

Ross: Tickets to Hawaii. I found cheap airfare and inexpensive accommodations for a week. I was gonna take Rachel, but I couldn’t get time off from work.

Monica: I guess we could do that.

Ross: That not good enough?

Monica: I was thinking we’d send Dad to Hawaii and Mom to Siberia.

Ross: They really screwed you up, didn’t they?

Monica: I survived. And besides, I got Dad’s Porsche.

Ross: Ah yes, nothing like a little bribery to help you forget your terrible upbringing.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: Wanna go fishing?

Phoebe: That’s what I’ve been doing.

Chandler: Huh?

Phoebe: I’ve been fishing for guys since we got here. See, there’s a cute guy right over there.

Chandler: He is kinda cute.

Phoebe: Are you sure you’re not gay?

Chandler: Last time I checked, no.

Phoebe: You might wanna check again.

Chandler: Wanna go to the office with me? My secretary’s on vacation.

Phoebe: I could be your secretary again?

Chandler: If you want. Or you could do my work for me.

Phoebe: What is it that you exactly do now?

Chandler: I don’t know, but if you figure it out while we’re there, let me know.

TONY’S PIZZA (Rachel and Joey are eating lunch)

Joey: This is the life. I love pizza.

Rachel: More than sex?

Joey: Whoa! I love no one more than sex.

Rachel: I love Ross more than sex.

Joey: Yeah right.

Rachel: I really do.

Joey: Then you’re demented.

Rachel: So Phoebe’s nipples are pierced?

Joey: Where’d you here that?

Rachel: You told me right before we left your apartment.

Joey: Don’t say anything to Phoebe. She’d kill me if she found out I told you.

Rachel: I won’t say anything. Does she have earrings in them?

Joey: Small hoop earrings. But that’s nothing, Monica has a pierced….

Rachel: A pierced what?

Joey: I can’t say it.

Rachel: What region are we in?

Joey: Below the equator.

Rachel: Monica has her, her….(quietly) its pierced down there?

Joey: According to Chandler.

Rachel: Oh my God, that’s unbelievable….and very sick! Why in the world did she do that?

Joey: According to Chandler, Monica heard from a co-worker that having that pierced would enhance sex. So she did it. She loves it as a matter of fact.

Rachel: When did she do it?

Joey: Right before they got married. It was her wedding present to Chandler.

Rachel: Was it painful?

Joey: How the hell should I know? Look, you’re dangerous to hang out with. You’re gonna get me in so much trouble. The only person’s secrets I haven’t shared are yours.

Rachel: I don’t have any secrets Joey.

Joey: Oh really? Are you sure?

Rachel: Positive. I’d think I’d know if I had any secrets.

Joey: So that fact that you named your vibrator Big Mean Plunging Machine doesn’t mean anything to you?

Rachel (embarrassed and upset): Who told you that?

Joey: I’m not gonna kiss and tell.

Rachel: It was Ross wasn’t it? That bastard!

Joey (laughing): Not even close.

Rachel: It wasn’t Ross?

Joey: Nope.

Rachel: But the only other person who knows that is….

Joey: That’s right, Monica.

CHANDLER’S OFFICE (Chandler and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: You need to start coming to work more often. I can’t believe you walked into the wrong office twice.

Chandler: Yes, but my employees don’t know that so keep quiet.

Phoebe: What do you want me to do?

Chandler: I dunno.

Phoebe: Well what does your secretary do all day?

Chandler: She makes up excuses for me.

Phoebe: Excuses?

Chandler: Yeah, like why am I not in my office. Those type of things.

Phoebe: What does she say?

Chandler: I dunno. Whatever she says it obviously works.

(Bill, Chandler’s boss enters)

Bill: Decided to come into work today Bing?

Chandler: I’ve got a lot of work to do sir. I was just showing my temp secretary the rigors of the job.

Phoebe: Hi, I’m Regina Filange, Chandler’s new temp secretary.

Bill: Have you worked as a secretary before?

Phoebe: Yes, I temped in the White House. I was President Clinton’s secretary during the Lewinsky scandal.

Bill: You worked for the President?

Phoebe: Yes sir. I fixed him his coffee every morning for a year. I also shredded documents for him.

Bill: Isn’t that illegal?

Phoebe: Only if you get caught.

Bill: Well I’ll let you get to work Bing. Sounds like your temp has things under control. (Bill leaves)

Chandler: Phoebe! What are you doing?

Phoebe: I was just having a little fun.

Chandler: Working for the President of the United States? Have you lost your mind?

Phoebe: What? It’s not like he’s ever gonna see me again after today. Now let’s get to work.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: Well that was Mom. I guess she didn’t forget to invite Chandler and I after all.

Ross: See, I told you she’d remember to invite you and Chandler.

Monica: Yeah, but your not catering the party.

Ross: She roped you into catering the party?

Monica: Yes. She said she wanted to give me ample time to prepare the food.

Ross: You should be honored. That means Mom likes your cooking.

Monica: No, it means that Mom and Dad are too cheap to hire a caterer themselves.

Ross: How do you know?

Monica: I made the mistake in asking.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Ross: Hey Pheebs and Joe, you guys are going to my parents’ anniversary party right?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: When is it again?

Ross: It’s tomorrow.

Phoebe: Was I invited?

Rachel: No. They invited everyone else but you Phoebe.

Phoebe: I guess I’m not going.

Monica: Phoebe, you were invited. I left the message on your machine.

Phoebe: Oh, that explains why I didn’t know. I haven’t listened to my messages for two months.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: I wanna to see how many calls I get in a three month period.

Ross: Huh, that explains why you didn’t show up for Ben’s birthday party.

Phoebe: Ben had a birthday party and I wasn’t there?

Ross: Did you check your messages?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: Then that’s why you weren’t there.

Phoebe: Wait a minute. Was I still going out with Joey then?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey (quickly getting up): What’s that Gunther? Yeah, I’ll be right there.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are reading in bed)

Rachel: So I spent the day with Joey the other day and did he have some interesting secrets to tell.

Ross: What’s he doing spilling secrets if they’re supposed to be secrets?

Rachel: He’s Joey, what do you expect?

Ross: So what did he to say?

Rachel: Did you know that Phoebe has pierced nipples?

Ross: Seriously?

Rachel: Yup. But that’s not the best one. Guess what your sister did?

Ross: She pierced her nipples too?

Rachel: Think below the belt.

Ross: She got a tattoo down there?!

Rachel: Nope. She did something else down there.

Ross: What could she have possibly done down there if she didn’t get a tattoo?

(Ross and Rachel sit quietly for a moment)

Rachel: Any idea?

Ross: She didn’t!

Rachel: Yes she did. According to Chandler, she did it for his wedding present!

Ross: Oh my God! I suddenly don’t want to see her face ever again!

Rachel: So, should I take some time off in February?

Ross (miffed but not showing it): Why would you do that?

Rachel: I just heard through the grapevine that we’re taking a trip.

Ross: We are? Where?

Rachel: You mean we’re not taking a trip?

Ross: Not that I was aware of.

Rachel: But Joey said you and I were going to Hawaii.

Ross: Then Joey’s been smoking pot again. We’re not going to Hawaii.

Rachel: Oh. Then maybe the other stuff isn’t true either.

Ross: Maybe not. He is Joey after all.

THE GELLER’S ANNIVERSARY PARTY (Everyone is present)

Joey (to Phoebe): Where’s Chandler?

Phoebe: He’s helping Monica in the kitchen.

Joey: That does it he can no longer be classified as a man.

Phoebe: Was he ever a man?

Joey: Between you and I, no.

Jack (to Ross): Son, thanks for the tickets to Hawaii and the hotel accommodations.

Ross: Your welcome Dad, but don’t forget, they’re from Monica, Chandler, and Rachel too.

Judy: Where is my daughter-in-law? I have to say hello.

Ross: Have you said hello to Monica Mom?

Judy: Monica’s here?

Ross: Mom!

Judy: I’m kidding. I already thanked Monica for coming. Now where’s Rachel?

Ross: Yeah, she’s upstairs throwing up in the bathroom. Her morning sickness came back with a vengeance today.

(Cut to the Kitchen)

Monica: Have you seen my Mother yet?

Chandler: Yeah, she said hello when I went out to put the appetizers on the table.

Monica: This is just like her, I slave over the food and she doesn’t even offer to help, let alone say hello.

(Judy enters)

Judy: Hi dear. How’s the food coming?

Monica: It’s nice to see you too Mom. Oh, and the food’s coming along just fine.

Judy: That’s great dear. Come say hi to everyone when you get the chance. (Judy leaves)

Monica: You see what I mean!

Chandler: I love you for what that’s worth.

Monica: Oh, that’s so sweet.

(Cut to the Family Room)

Ross (to Joey): Hey, I need to speak to you.

Joey: Whassup?

Ross: Did you tell Rachel that I was taking her to Hawaii?

Joey: Was I not supposed to?

Ross: Damn it Joey! I couldn’t get time off work so I can’t take her.

Joey: Bummer.

Ross: Why’d you tell her in the first place?

Joey: It slipped out. I was explaining to her how Chandler bought Ms. Icicle Woman.

(Monica approaches and is within earshot)

Ross: Ms. Icicle Woman?

Joey: Yeah, that’s what he calls my old boat, Mr. Beaumont. But look Monica doesn’t know that Chandler bought it, so keep quiet.

Monica: I’m afraid it’s too late for that Joey!

Joey: Uh oh!

Ross: I supposed you want to tell Monica that you told Rachel that Mon has her, her, well you know her region below her belt pierced.

Joey: Ross! What are you doing?!

Monica: Joey! Where’d you hear that?!

Joey: I have no idea what he’s talking about!

Monica: Chandler! Chandler get out here now!

(Rachel and Phoebe join the conversation as Chandler emerges from the kitchen. The rest of the guests are staring at the group)

Chandler: What’s the matter? Are you ok?

Monica: Does Ms. Icicle Woman mean anything to you?!

Chandler: Can we talk about this later?

Monica: Sure, right after we talk about why the whole world knows that I pierced my, my, well you know what!

(cut to across the room)

Judy: What did she pierce Jack?

Jack: Her nipples?

Judy: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna faint.

(cut back to the group. Ross notices Phoebe is laughing)

Ross: I wouldn’t laugh too hard Phoebe, Joey also told Rachel that you pierced your nipples!

Phoebe: So? I like the way they look. I have fabulous nipples.

Ross: Did I cover everything Joey?

Joey: Don’t forget about Rachel’s secret.

Rachel: Don’t you dare Joey!

Joey: Rachel calls her vibrator the Big Mean Plunging Machine.

Rachel: You’re a dead man Tribbiani!

Phoebe: Well that was fun. Now everyone’s mad a Joey.

Rachel: Furious is a more appropriate word. My parents are here for Christ’s sake.

Phoebe: Well I don’t think we should let Joey off the hook. I think I should share with you all the dirty little secret Mr. Tribbiani has been keeping from us all for the past eight years.

Joey: Don’t do it Phoebe!

Phoebe: You should’ve thought of that before you told everyone those secrets.

Joey: Phoebe please! I’ll do anything!

Ross: Out with it Phoebe.

Monica: Yeah, I wanna know now!

Chandler: I hope it’s not what I think it is. (Phoebe whispers into Chandler’s ear) Yeah, it’s what I think it is.

Rachel: What is it Pheebs?

Phoebe: Joey was born with only one testicle. He’s half the man you think he is.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is present. Joey is in a big wooden box)

Phoebe: I think that’ll keep him locked up for the night.

Rachel: So how long is he staying in there?

Ross: Not long enough.

Monica: What did we agree on? 48 hours?

Joey: 24!

Chandler: That’s some serious time to do some serious thinking Joe.

Phoebe: What if he has to go to the bathroom?

Monica: He’s got bottles to pee in and a small trash can to do the other business. He’s got it easy, we even gave him a flashlight so he can do all that accurately.

Rachel: Goodnight Joey.

Monica/Phoebe/Ross: See ya Joey.

Chandler: I’ll check in on you in the morning Joe.

Joey (thinking everyone but Chandler has left): Hey Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah Joe.

Joey: You didn’t tell them the other secret did you?

Chandler: The one about Janice?

Joey: Yeah. I’d be totally embarrassed if they found out that I slept with her.

Chandler: Don’t worry about Joey, your secret is safe with me.

(The others exit laughing)

Joey: Oh no!