THE ONE WITH ALL THE PORN TAPES

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)

Ross: What the hell am I sitting on?

Phoebe: Your ass.

Ross: There’s a friggin tack stuck in the couch and it’s poking my ass!

Chandler: Welcome to the Gay World.

Monica: You would know. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

Chandler (to Ross): So have you spoken to Gunther since the wedding?

Ross: No. We agree not to acknowledge one another’s presence. Gunther? Gunther? See, he completely ignores me.

Monica: Much like the rest of the population.

Phoebe: And Monica’s back.

Monica: I figured it was time to rebound.

Chandler: Where’re Joey and Rachel?

Ross: Rach went to work.

Phoebe: Isn’t it Saturday?

Ross: Yeah but she said she had a lot of work to do. She wanted to catch up.

Phoebe: She probably wanted to be alone with Brad.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: I didn’t say anything.

Monica: Where’s Joey?

Phoebe: He’s been holed up in my, I mean his, apartment watching porn on the big screen.

Chandler: How do you know?

Phoebe: ‘Cause I was over there watching it with him this morning.

Ross: I think I’m going to Joey’s.

Chandler: Wait, I’ll join you. (Monica glares at Chandler) I guess you’re going alone.

Phoebe: It’s a good thing Rachel’s at work with Brad or you wouldn’t be watching porn Ross.

Ross: Rachel doesn’t mine me watching porn Phoebe. In fact we watch it together. And for your information, Rachel doesn’t work with Brad anymore.

Phoebe: Whatever. Oh and I forgot about those home movies you two made. You’re quite the stud Ross. (Ross is embarrassed and about to kill Phoebe) Don’t feel bad Ross, you’re a much better performer than Chandler.

Chandler: Hey! How’d you see those tapes?!

Monica: Girls night in.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Her new assistant walks in)

Rachel: What’s up Brad?

Brad: I got those reports you wanted from storage. Do you need anything else?

Rachel: Yeah, if you could go get me a cup of coffee, that would be great.

Brad: Ok, I’ll be back in a jiffy.

(The phone rings)

Rachel: Hello?

Ross (on the phone from Joey’s): Hey honey, it’s me. When are you coming home?

Rachel: In a couple of hours.

Ross: Can’t you come home sooner?

Rachel: No. What’re you doing?

Ross: I’m hanging out with Joey. (to Joey) Say hi Joey.

Joey: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Why are there moans and groans in the background?

Ross: I don’t hear any moans.

Rachel: Are you watching porn?

Ross: Yeah. You should see it on the big screen TV, it’s so life like.

Rachel: At least I know why you want me to come home. (Brad re-enters)

Brad: Here’s your coffee.

Rachel: Thanks.

Ross: Who’s there with you?

Rachel: Just my assistant.

Ross: I thought your assistant was Maggie. Does Maggie have a chest cold or something, she sounds like a man.

Rachel: I fired Maggie and got a new assistant.

Ross: A man?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: What’s his name?

Rachel: Michael.

Ross: Ok. Look, come home soon, I’ve got something to show you.

Rachel: I bet.

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: I love you too sweetie. Bye. (Rachel hangs up the phone)

Brad: Why’d you call me Michael?

Rachel: Because Ross would kill the both of us if he found out I hired you. Now go get me something to eat, I’m starving.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are watching porn)

Joey: This is the way it should be all the time. They should have an all-porn channel.

Ross: They do, it’s the Spice channel.

Joey: And you’re just telling me this now!

Ross: Well as much fun as I’m having watching porn and drinking beer, I’m gonna go surprise Rach at work.

Joey: Let me get this straight, you have time alone to do what you want and instead of watching pornos with me, you’re gonna go surprise your wife at her office?

Ross: Pretty much.

Joey: You need to get a life.

Ross: Did you know the girls saw the home porn tapes that Chandler and I made with our wives.

Joey: Yeah, I saw them too. You were way better than Chandler. Oh and you should really shave your ass.

Ross: You saw them too?! And hey, there’s nothing wrong with my ass!

Joey: Yeah, it was girls night in.

Ross: You’re not a girl!

Joey: Yeah but it was my idea so they let me stay.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Monica are present)

Phoebe: So you’re really feeling better?

Monica: Yeah, I haven’t cried in three days.

Phoebe: That’s good. Good for you.

Monica: So do you still have feelings for Joey?

Phoebe: Huh?

Monica: Are you over Joey?

Phoebe: No, I was mostly under him.

Monica: That’s not what I meant.

Phoebe: I’m getting by. It’s best that we’re just friends. Friends who have hot sex together.

Monica: You guys are still sleeping together?!

Phoebe: No!

Monica: But you said friends who have hot sex together.

Phoebe: No, no. He gave me a copy of the home video we made. I watch it over and over again.

Monica: My god, we’re all turning into porn addicts!

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Ross walks in)

Ross: Surprise!

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Ross: I came to say hi.

Rachel: Look, I really appreciate you coming down here, but I have a lot of work to do. Could you just go do something else?

Ross (hurt): Well excuse me for wanting to hang out with the woman I love.

Rachel: I don’t mean to be mean Ross, it’s just that I have a lot of work to do. I fell so far behind when I took those days off to be with Mon, I just really need to catch up.

Ross: Can’t I just take a nap here on your floor?

Rachel: No, because then I’ll wanna lie down next to you and the next thing you know we’ll be getting all hot and heavy.

Ross: And that’s bad?

Rachel: It is when I have a lot of work to do. Look, I’ll make it up to you tonight, I promise.

Ross: Princess Leia?

Rachel: No, we already made that video.

Ross: Cops and Robbers?

Rachel: We did that one too.

(Brad enters)

Brad: Rach, I’m all finished….oh sorry, I didn’t know you had company.

Ross: What’s he doing here?

Rachel: He’s my new assistant.

Ross: I thought Michael was your new assistant.

Rachel: He is, that’s Brad’s twin brother.

Brad: You must be Ross, I’m Michael.

Ross: Michael, if you could excuse us, I have to talk to Rachel for a minute.

Brad: I’m outta here anyway, see ya Mrs. Geller.

Rachel: Bye Brad, I mean Michael. (to Ross) I still get those two confused. We’re gonna have a big fight aren’t we?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch when Chandler walks in)

Chandler: Guess what I found?

Monica: Your penis?

Chandler: Ok, I liked you much better when you were depressed.

Monica: You are so mean!

Chandler: I’m sorry, that was mean. No, I found Phoebe and Joey’s homemade video.

Monica: Where’d you get it?

Chandler: I was in Joey’s, ah Phoebe’s apartment and I found it.

Monica: You broke into Phoebe’s place, what’s wrong with you?

Chandler: I didn’t break in, I still have my key.

Monica: Oh. Where was the tape?

Chandler: In Phoebe’s underwear drawer.

Monica: You went rooting through her stuff?

Chandler: Do you wanna watch the tape or not?

Monica: Put it in.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Continued from before)

Ross: Well I guess I better go. I’ll see you at home.

Rachel: Are you mad?

Ross: Furious is a more appropriate word, but I’m not gonna fight with you at your place of business. (Ross leaves)

Rachel (to herself): Great, how am I gonna tell him now?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Chandler: Wow, Phoebe really is stacked. (notices Monica is staring at him) But not as stacked as you. And besides, hers are fake.

Monica: We should shut this off, this isn’t right. We shouldn’t be watching our friends have sex.

Chandler: You showed Joey, Phoebe and Rachel our tapes!

Monica: Still.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: What you guys watching? Oh my God, that’s Ursula and Joey. When did Joey become a porn star?

Monica: You might wanna look a little closer.

Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s me! Wow, I really am stacked.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey, that’s me and Phoebe, I have been looking for that.

Phoebe: I thought you said you made a copy.

Joey: I did, but I watched it so much I burned up the tape.

Chandler: You guys owe it to porn to continue making videos.

Monica: You both are quite talented. You make our and Ross and Rachel’s videos look amateurish.

Phoebe (to Joey): See, I told you it would pay to have my sister’s director shoot our home video.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is talking with Carol and Susan)

Carol: Are you sure you don’t mind watching Ben this weekend?

Ross: No not at all. I am the boy’s father after all.

Susan: And a good one at that. (notices Ross is blankly staring at her) I’m not always a bitch you know. I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you at home Carol. See ya Ross.

Ross: Susan.

Carol: Come on Ross, it’s been seven years since Susan and I got together, why do you still act all weird around her?

Ross: Because she converted my ex-wife to lesbianism? Anyway, it looks like Rachel and I are about to have our first major fight as a married couple.

Carol: What happened?

Ross: Do you remember Brad from her old job at Ralph Lauren?

Carol: The one that she kissed?

Ross: That’d be the one.

Carol: So?

Ross: She hired him to be her personal assistant.

Carol: And that’s bad because?

Ross: She hired him and lied to me about it. She told me she hired a guy named Michael. Instead she hired Brad and then to make matters worse, she introduced Brad as Michael, saying it was Brad’s twin brother.

Carol: So?

Ross: What do you mean so? My wife lied to me.

Carol: Yeah. You’ve become much more astute about that since we broke up, I lied to you all the time when I was seeing Susan on the side.

Ross: Why’d you bring that up? (pause) If she starts lying to me after only two months of marriage, we’re not gonna stay married for long.

Carol: Maybe she was trying to help Brad out.

Ross: Don’t you have somewhere to be?

Carol: Come on Ross, you’re Rachel’s world. She loves you more than anything. She’s not gonna risk her marriage over something like this.

Ross: I hope you’re right.

(Rachel enters)

Carol (hugging Ross): I do too. I love you.

Ross: I love you too Carol. Thanks.

Rachel: You better not love her as much as you love me.

Carol: Hey Rach, I was just leaving. So you’ve got Ben this weekend?

Ross: Yeah. I’ll see you Friday night.

(Carol leaves)

Rachel: We have Ben this weekend? Why didn’t you tell me?

Ross: ‘Cause apparently we don’t have to tell each other everything.

Rachel: Ok, I deserved that. Look, about before….

Ross: I really don’t feel like talking right now. I’m gonna go take a nap.

Rachel: Ok. I love you Ross.

Ross: Uh huh.

Rachel (to herself): This is gonna be a long night.

(Time Lapse: An hour later. Rachel has made dinner for Ross and is waiting for him at the table. Ross emerges from the bedroom)

Ross: You must really think that you’re in trouble.

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: You actually made dinner. It looks good, whatever it is.

Rachel: It’s chicken casserole without the chicken. We didn’t have any chicken. Ah, are you still mad at me?

Ross: Yeah, I’m still mad.

Rachel: Do you wanna talk about it?

Ross: No, there’s nothing to say.

Rachel: So you’re cool with Brad being my assistant?

Ross: No, I’m not cool with it.

Rachel: Then we should talk about it.

Ross: Why? You’re just gonna keep lying to me.

Rachel: Yes, I lied to you. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.

Ross: Whatever.

Rachel: Don’t you wanna know why I hired Brad?

Ross: Not particularly.

Rachel: He needed help. He needed a job.

Ross: Well his knight in shining armor definitely came to the rescue now didn’t she?

Rachel: Yes I did. It was the least I could do. You know I interviewed ten people for my assistant job and he was the most qualified.

Ross: What, did your interview questions include who was the best kisser?

Rachel: @@#$ you Ross!

Ross: I really don’t feel like having sex right now. I don’t perform well when I’m angry.

Rachel: That’s not what I meant!

Ross: I know what you meant. @#$% you too.

Rachel: Are you trying to piss me off, because you’re succeeding.

Ross: Hey, you’re the one who didn’t even have the decency to tell me that you hired Brad as your assistant. You went behind my back because you assumed I would be mad.

Rachel: You’re mad aren’t you?

Ross: What do you think? You didn’t once think that I might be ok with it?

Rachel: Why would you be ok with it? I did kiss the guy or have you forgotten about that?

Ross: Then why did you hire him?

Rachel: I told you, he needed a job and he was the most qualified.

Ross: Fine. You helped someone in their time of need, I can appreciate that. But I don’t appreciate being lied to. That’s not what marriage is supposed to be about.

Rachel: You’d know, this is your fourth marriage.

Ross: Damn it Rachel, I’m trying to tell you that you don’t have to lie to me! I’m in this for the long haul and I’ll stand by you in whatever decision you make.

Rachel: Oh, I didn’t look at it like that. That’s so sweet. I’m sorry. (goes to hug Ross who pushes her away)

Ross: If you’re gonna lie to me about things when you think I’m gonna get mad or upset, then we might as well end this marriage now before we have children.

Rachel: It’s kinda late for that.

Ross: Pardon me?

Rachel: I’m pregnant.

Ross: Run that by me again.

Rachel: I’ve been meaning to tell you all day, but the time has never been right. But the truth is, I’m pregnant. I’m two weeks along.

Ross: Let me get this straight, you’re pregnant, I’m gonna be a father again and you pick this time, when we are fighting, to tell me that you’re pregnant?

Rachel: I guess so.

(long pause)

Ross: What were we fighting about?

Rachel: We were fighting….

Ross: I know. I don’t believe this, I’m gonna be a Daddy again! You’re gonna quit lying to me?

Rachel: Yes. It won’t, well it probably won’t, happen again.

Ross: And you’re gonna fire Brad?

Rachel: Don’t push you’re luck. But hey, I’ll have him reassigned within the company. He really sucks as an assistant.

Ross: Come here. (takes Rachel in his arms) I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. (pause) Now about that video we were gonna make tonight….

Ross: Yeah, I guess we can’t.

Rachel: Like hell, I’ve already set up the camera!

CLOSING CREDITS

JOEY’S (PHOEBE’S) APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present. They are all watching porn on the big screen TV)

Monica: I think our videos are better than this crap.

Chandler: I agree.

Joey: What’re you talking about? This is classic porn. This movie is a porn classic. They don’t make them like this anymore.

Phoebe: That’s because half the people are dead from drug overdoses and the other half retired with sexually transmitted diseases.

Joey: You’re ruining my movie! And how do you know that stuff?

Phoebe: I read a book about it.

Chandler: What’s the book called?

Phoebe: The World of Porn: Men Are From Mars and Women If You’re Not Careful, They’ll Stick It Up Uranus.

THE END