Written by:†† Ethan


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present.Joey comes racing in)


Joey:There you guys are.I have been looking everywhere for you!


Chandler:Ah, where have you looked?Weíve been here for ten minutes.


Joey:Actually, this is the first place Iíve checked.Do I have something to tell you!


Monica:Oh do you?


Ross:Did they cancel Baywatch?


Rachel:Oh no, they closed Meloís didnít they?


Joey:They did?


Rachel:What is it Joey?


Joey:I think Phoebeís in love with me!


(The rest stare at Joey in disbelief)




CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)


Chandler:You wanna run that by me buddy one more time?


Joey:I know.I canít believe it either.


Rachel:How, how, uh, what happened?


Joey:I was tickling Phoebe because she wouldnít tell me her secret and then she told me what it was.


Monica:What was it?


Joey:Right.Yeah she said that she was sad that I was getting married Ďcause she always thought that Iíd wind up marrying her.


Ross:She was your back-up right?


Joey:Yeah, so?


Ross:So maybe sheís just sad because she wonít have any back-ups anymore and sheís afraid that she wonít find someone.


Joey:You think?


Chandler:Ross, is right.Phoebeís just sad because she lost her last back-up.


Rachel:Thereís only one way to find out.




Rachel:Did you ask her what she meant?


Joey:No!I freaked out and came looking for you guys!


Rachel:Then go ask her what she meant.


Joey:But what if she meant that sheís in love with me?


Monica:Then youíve got a serious dilemma.


Joey:Whatís a dilemma?


Chandler:Forget what a dilemma is!Youíve got two women in love with you!(Rachel and Monica stare at Chandler)What I meant to stay is a dilemma is like finding yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place.


Joey:Still not following ya.


Ross:Joey, if both Phoebe and Courteney are in love with you, then youíve got a problem.


Joey:You mean I canít just date them both?


Ross:No.You have to choose.


Rachel:This is definitely a first for you Joey.


Joey:What am I gonna do?I love Phoebe.Sheís my closest friend.We do everything together.But I also love Courteney, and Iím engaged to her.


Chandler:Hey, what happened to me?


Joey:You married Monica.I had to replace you.But donít worry, as soon as our marriages fail, weíll be right back to where we started.


Chandler:Thatís better.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Of course my marriage is never gonna fail.Iím married to the best woman in the world.


Monica:Just keep it up and youíll have a new best friend before you shut your eyes tonight.


Joey:I gotta pick up Courteney.If you see Phoebe, tell her that Iím sorry that I ran out.


(Joey leaves)


Ross:Can you believe this?Phoebe might be in love with Joey.


Rachel:I always wondered if those two would get together.


Monica:Me too.Theyíre perfect for one another.Heís dumb as a stick and sheís, well sheís Phoebe.


Chandler:I canít believe both Courteney and Phoebe are in love with Joey.He is so the man.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Iím not sleeping on the couch again am I?(Monica nods her head yes).


MONICA & CHANDLERíS APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV while sitting on the couch.Monica emerges from the bathroom)


Chandler:Hey, how are you feeling?


Monica:Letís just say that I have eliminated pizza from my diet until this thing is over.


Chandler:That bad?


Monica:You puke pizza for ten minutes and see if you want it ever again.


Chandler:Thank you very much for the visual.Donít bother making dinner.


Monica:Dinnerís the furthest thing from my mind.I donít know how Phoebe did this.I mean she had triplets, thatís like morning sickness times three.


Chandler:Did you flush the toilet?


Monica:No, I left it in there for all the world to see.Of course I flushed the toilet.


Chandler:Geez calm down, I was just checking.I have to go pee.


Monica:Donít be long.I donít how long this volcano will stay dormant.


Chandler:I really wish you wouldnít say things like that, you know I canít pee under pressure.


Monica:You did at the Beach House.


Chandler:I forgot about that.


Monica:Unfortunately I never will.Though I must say that was the first time I considered getting together with you.


Chandler:When I was peeing on you?


Monica:No, after you finished and I saw how big you are.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel and Phoebe are present)


Phoebe:Whereís Ross again?


Rachel:I sent him out on some errands.He wonít be back for a while.


Phoebe:Why not?


Rachel:ĎCause I asked him to pick up some tampons for me.




Rachel:Ross is afraid of tampons.I figured it would take him two hours to get up the courage to buy them.


Phoebe:Youíre so mean!What did he do this time?


Rachel:He didnít do anything.


Phoebe:Rachel, what did he do?


Rachel:He left the toilet seat up one time too many.I sat down to go pee this morning and nearly fell in the toilet.He doesnít know this, but his punishment was to buy me tampons.Of course, I have plenty, but he doesnít know that.So whatís up with you Pheebs?


Phoebe:Nothing much.Whatís up with you?


Rachel:Ross and I are trying for a baby.Thatís about it.So are you seeing anyone?




Rachel:Do you like anyone?


Phoebe:I like you, does that count?


Rachel:Iím still not going to sleep with you.


Phoebe:Damn it!


Rachel:So Joey says you have a secret that youíre not telling anyone.Whatís the secret?


Phoebe:I donít have any secret.


Rachel:Ok.Joeyís always lying anyway.


Phoebe:Joey never lies!


Rachel:Then whatís the secret Phoebe?


Phoebe:I walked right into that didnít I?


Rachel:ĎFraid so.Well?


Phoebe:Ok.But donít tell anyone else.


Rachel:Fine.Consider it locked in the vault.


Phoebe:Iím sad because Joeyís getting married.


Rachel:Donít feel bad, the entire unmarried female population of New York City is sad that Joeyís getting married.But thatís not the secret is it?


Phoebe:Yeah it is.




Phoebe (mumbling):That and I think I have feelings for Joey.Iíll see you later.


Rachel:Stop!Say that again.


Phoebe:Say what?


Rachel:You have feelings for Joey?


Phoebe:Yeah. Iím so confused.I mean itís Joey, heís like my closest friend, after you and Monica of course.But still, you donít fall for your best friend.


Rachel:I did.Monica did too.


Phoebe:But Iím supposed to fall for gay ice dancers, not dimwitted actors.


Rachel:Have you told Joey how you feel?


Phoebe:No.Heís engaged to Courteney and he loves her.Itís too late.


Rachel:Itís only over after you say I do and even then it might not be over yet.Just look at my wedding.Ross and I thought we were married only to find out that our minister was a psycho nut case.All Iím trying to say Phoebe is that I think you should talk to Joey.He may surprise you.


Phoebe:I canít do it.I canít ruin his engagement to Courteney.Besides, Courteneyís my friend.If a friend of mine tried to steal my fiancť, I wouldnít be too happy.Iíd want to kick some ass!


RITE AID DRUG STORE (Ross is trying to buy Rachel her tampons)


Ross:Ah excuse me maíam, but whatís your favorite tampon?


Woman:Excuse me?


Ross:No, no.What I meant is could you help me please?See my wife sent me here to pick up some tampons for her, but she didnít tell me what to buy.I thought you could tell me what you use and Iíd just buy those.


Woman:Listen here mister, you donít go up to a woman and ask what feminine hygiene products she uses.Now if youíll excuse me, I have to go.


Ross (VO):Geez, what a bitch.Must be her time of the month too.Letís see, (picking up various boxes of tampons) super absorbent for those heavy days, ultra thin for comfort, wingtip, unscented, scentedÖ.Man, there are so many choices.Maybe Iíll buy one of each.She could mix and match depending on her mood.Wait, hereís another woman.Iíll ask her.


Ross:Excuse me miss, but I couldnít help noticing that youíre shopping for tampons.Not that itís not ordinary seeing a woman buying tampons.Itís a natural thing after all.


Woman #2:Are you ok?Did you lose touch with your special group?


Ross:Special group?


Woman #2:There was a special group of special people that stopped here on their field trip.Did they leave you behind?


Ross:Ah, no.Iím not mentally challenged.See my wife sent me here to pick up some tampons for her, but she didnít tell me what to buy.What do you use?


Woman #2 (Slapping Ross across the face and walking away):How dare you!


Ross (VO):Ok, find a woman who isnít PMSing.Forget it, Iíll just buy these. (picks up a box)


(at the checkout counter)


Checkout Woman:Good afternoon sir.Will this be all for you?


Ross:Yup.Thatís it.One box of tampons.


Checkout Woman:Damn, it wonít scan.Hold on a minute, I have to get a price check.


Ross (panicked):How about this, hereís ten bucks, I think thatíll cover it.


Checkout Woman:I canít do that.(over the intercom)Could someone please get me a price check on Stay Free super absorbent tampons please.Itís the box of 24.Thank you.


Courtesy Clerk:Thatís $7.50.


Checkout Woman:Thanks.Ok, thatíll be $7.50.


Ross:Here you go.Thanks.


Checkout Woman:Sir, donít be embarrassed, youíre not the first husband whoís had to buy his wife tampons for leaving the toilet seat up.


Ross:The damn toilet seat!


CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Chandler, Joey and Courteney are present)


Phoebe:Did you hear that Rachel sent Ross to buy tampons for her?


Joey:Thatís something that I never do for a girlfriend or wife.I donít get involved with that stuff.


Courteney:You wouldnít do it for me?


Joey:No way.


Chandler:I donít see what the big deal is.I buy tampons for Monica all the time.


Phoebe:It never occurred to you that Monica does that to punish you.


Chandler:No!Monica punishes me by having me sleep on the couch.(pause)You mean sheís doing that to punish me too?


Phoebe:Iíll bet you fifty bucks thatís the reason why.


Chandler:Nah, thatís ok.Come to think of it, that must be the reason why the clerks at Rite Aid ask me if I got in trouble again.Look, donít tell Monica that I donít mind, itís the easiest punishment that she gives me.I gotta go, I was supposed to be home a half hour ago.


Phoebe:You might wanna stop at Rite Aid on the way home.


Chandler:Why would I do that?


Phoebe:Sheís just gonna send you there later.


Chandler:Good idea.Thanks Pheebs.


(Chandler leaves)


Courteney:I gotta go to the bathroom honey, Iíll be right back.


Joey (getting uncomfortable):Canít you just hold it?


Courteney:No!I donít wanna pee in my pants.Whatís gotten into you?


Joey:Nothing.Hurry back.


(Courteney leaves)


Phoebe:So, whatís up Joe?


Joey:Nothing.Whatís up with you?




(Phoebe and Joey sit in silence for a few minutes)


Joey:Can I ask you something?






Phoebe:I was kidding, what is it?


Joey:Do you like me?


Phoebe:Of course I like you silly, youíre one of my best friends.


Joey:Right.Well I am glad we cleared that up.††


Phoebe:What did you really mean Joey?


Joey:Letís just drop it.


Phoebe:Come on Joseph, I know what you want to ask me?


Joey:You do?


Phoebe:Of course I do and the answer is no.


Joey:Thank God.


Phoebe:Wait a minute, you donít want to sleep with me?




Phoebe:What did you want to ask me?


Joey:Just that, will you go to bed with me?


Phoebe:Nah uh, it was something else.What is it?


(Courteney returns.Phoebe gets a look of disappointment on her face)


Joey:Oh, youíre back.Phoebe, Courteneyís back.


Phoebe:I can see that Joey.Iíll see you guys later.


(Phoebe leaves)


Courteney:Why does she seem so sad all of the sudden?


Joey:I donít know, maybe itís that time of the month.


ROSS & RACHELíS APARTMENT (Rachel is waiting for Ross)


Rachel (on the phone):Did Ross stop by there Mon?(pause)I sent him to buy tampons.(pause)Yeah, he left the toilet seat up again.(pause)Alright, Iíll talk to you later.Are you sure your ok?(pause)Well if it continues, go to the doctor.Bye.


(Ross enters)


Ross:Hey honey, sorry Iím running late. The bus broke down.


Rachel:Did you buy the tampons?


Ross:Here you go.(tosses the box to her)†††††


Rachel:You got the wrong kind.


Ross:Well you didnít tell me which ones to buy!


Rachel:These are too bulky.Youíre gonna have to return them tomorrow and get me the ultra slims.


Ross:No way, I bought these for you and you can use these.If you want something else, get it yourself.Oh and by the way, Iím sorry I left the toilet seat up this morning.




Ross:I know you sent me to buy those because I left the toilet seat up.


Rachel:Did you bump into Phoebe?


Ross:No.The checkout woman told me thatís why I was buying the tampons.Sheís right isnít she?


Rachel:You caught me.


Ross:Well, you have to buy the next pack of condoms.


Rachel:So?I buy condoms all the time.And as I recall, weíre not using condoms anymore.


Ross (walking into their bedroom):Think again.


Rachel:No honey, no more condoms!I want a baby!


Ross:Well you shouldíve thought of that before you sent me to buy tampons!


MONICA & CHANDLERíS APARTMENT(The next morning. Everyone including Courteney are present)


Joey:Phoebe, could you pass the juice please?


Phoebe:Why donít you ask Courteney?


Joey:ĎCause youíre closer.


Rachel (whispering to Monica):This is gonna get ugly.


Phoebe:Here you go.(haphazardly passes the juice to Joey which spills all over Joeyís pants)


Joey:Damn it Phoebe!†† Whatís your problem?!


Phoebe:Donít blame me, youíre the one who spilled juice all over themselves!


Courteney:Letís go back to your place and clean you up honey.


Joey:Fine.Weíll see you guys later.


(Joey and Courteney leave)


Ross:Phoebe, you canít be doing stuff like that.


Phoebe:Shut up Ross.And stay out of it.


Chandler:Coffeehouse Ross?


Ross:Letís go.(to Rachel)Iíll see you later.


Rachel:Bye honey.(to Phoebe)Ross is right Phoebe.You canít take this out on Joey.


Phoebe:And you didnít do stuff to Ross when he was with Julie?


Rachel:That was different.


Monica:No it wasnít Rachel. (to Phoebe)Youíve got to come clean with Joey.Heís one of closest friends.Just tell him how you feel and do it quickly.I really canít stand having juice all over my floor!


Phoebe:I canít do it.I canít hurt Joey.


Rachel:And being mean to him isnít hurting him?


Monica:Look Phoebe, Joey knows.Joey knows that you have feelings for him.


Phoebe:What?!Who told him?!


Rachel:Nobody told him anything.Heís not as stupid as he looks, at least not most of the time.He figured it out.




Monica:Pretty much by you telling him that you thought he and you would get married someday.


PHOEBEíS APARTMENT (Later in the day.Phoebe and Rachel are hanging out)


Rachel:Iíve got to think of a new punishment for Ross.


Phoebe:He figured out why you made him buy tampons?


Rachel:Yeah, the clerk at Rite Aid gave up the secret.


Phoebe:Make him buy the groceries.


Rachel:No, he already does that.


Phoebe:What exactly do you do?


Rachel:I let him have sex with me.


Phoebe:Thatís supercedes everything. (Thereís a knock on the door) Come in.(Joey enters)


Joey:Hey Rach, Pheebs.


Rachel:Iíve got to go meet Ross at the coffeehouse.See you guys there later?




(Rachel leaves)


Joey:We need to talk.


Phoebe:Look, Iím sorry I spilled juice on you.Are you ready to go to the coffeehouse?


Joey:Damn it Phoebe!Stop avoiding the problem.


Phoebe:What problem?


Joey:The problem between us.


Phoebe:Sorry, I wasnít aware that there was a problem.Whatís going on Joey?


Joey:Look, Iím going to ask you this onceÖ.




Joey:Here it comesÖ.


Phoebe:The answer is yes.I do have feelings for you.I think Iíve fallen in love with you.Ready to go?


Joey: No Iím not ready to go.We have to talk about this.


Phoebe:Whatís there to talk about?Youíre engaged to Courteney, who I happen to really like, and ďweĒ are never gonna happen.I told you how I feel, now letís go get coffee.


Joey:Donít you care how I feel?


Phoebe:I know how you feel. You love Courteney.


Joey:And I love you.




Joey:Ever since I found out about this, I canít stop thinking about you.All those years of joking about wanting to sleep with you, and now I really want to.Iím so confused I put my pants on backward this morning and Iím actually wearing underwear.


Phoebe:Wow!Youíre really screwed up.Boxers or briefs?


Joey:A thong.Look, what are we gonna do?


Phoebe:Youíre engaged to Courteney.Thereís nothing to do.


Joey:So youíre happy?


Phoebe:Not exactly.But Courteney is my friend and Iím not gonna screw her over.


Joey:Would it be alright with you if I saw you both?


Phoebe:No.Youíre staying with Courteney.Iíll be fine.Come on letís go.(Phoebe goes to leave)


Joey:Wait a minute!




(Joey takes Phoebeís hand and pulls her to him and kisses her.)




Phoebe:Shut up and do it again.


(Joey resumes kissing Phoebe)




ACE HARDWARE(Rachel is wandering around looking for something.Suddenly she bumps into Monica)


Rachel:What are you doing here?


Monica:Chandler asked me to pick up a snake while I was out?Do you have any idea what a snake is?


Rachel:Thatís funny.Ross sent me for the same thing. (sees a courtesy clerk)Excuse me sir, but do you know where I could fine a snake?


Courtesy Clerk:Three places, in my pants, at the pet store and aisle nine.


Rachel:@#$% you buddy!Men are such pigs.


Monica:Aisle nine is the next aisle over.


(Monica and Rachel walk over there)


Monica:Here they are.


Rachel:Oh my God, look what itís for.


Monica (reading):Best used for unclogging pipes and toilets.


Rachel:Weíve been set up!†††