THE ONE WITH ROSS & RACHEL’S WEDDING – PART I

 

Written by:   Ethan

                                   

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

 

Monica:  So where’s the rehearsal dinner at?

 

Rachel:  You know where it’s at. 

 

Phoebe:  Where?

 

Ross:  Allesandro’s.

 

Phoebe:  Sorry, I can’t make it. 

 

Chandler:  Why not Pheebs?

 

Phoebe:  I’m busy. 

 

Joey:  This wouldn’t have anything to do with the marathon puking session you had the last time you ate there would it?

 

Monica:  You got sick?  Who was cooking that night, I’ll fire them right now.

 

Phoebe:  You were. 

 

Monica (weakly):  Oh, sorry I can’t fire myself. 

 

Chandler:  Don’t worry about it Pheebs, Monica’s not cooking tonight.  There’s no way you’ll get sick.  (Monica glares at Chandler)  I just lost my cook didn’t I?

 

Monica:  That’s not all you lost.

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

 

Ross:  So where are you staying tonight?

 

Rachel:  Here, why?

 

Ross:  You can’t stay here, me, Chandler and Joey are staying here. 

 

Rachel:  Check again.  Monica, Phoebe and I are staying here. 

 

Ross:  I already told the guys we were staying here.  Why don’t you go to Monica’s?

 

Rachel:  Because we’re staying here. 

 

Ross:  But this is my apartment!  (Rachel glares at Ross)  I mean, it’s our apartment but me and the guys are staying here. 

 

Rachel:  Go to Joey’s. 

 

Ross:  Joey’s place smells like a barn.  I’m not spending the night before our wedding in a barn. 

 

Rachel:  Well I’m not staying the night in an apartment where you can’t spill crumbs on the floor. 

How about we stay here together?

 

Ross:  All six of us?

 

Rachel:  No just you and I.

 

Ross:  But that goes against tradition.  I’m not supposed to see the bride the night before the wedding.  You know what happened the last time I saw the bride before I got married.

 

Rachel:  Which time? 

 

Ross:  Very funny.  Emily and I’s wedding.  I said your name at the altar. 

 

Rachel:  That’s because you said you still loved me. 

 

Ross:  Well, well, well what about our first marriage? 

 

Rachel:  We were drunk!

 

Ross:  And look how that marriage turned out.  We got a divorce.  

 

Rachel:  How ‘bout this?  You stay at Joey’s tonight and I’ll reserve extra time for sex on our honeymoon.

 

Ross:  Like we weren’t gonna do that anyway. 

 

Rachel:  And I’ll bring the handcuffs and the crotchless panties.  (Ross starts running towards the door)  Where are you going?

 

Ross:  To tell Joey we’re staying at his place tonight. 

 

MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Monica are present)

 

Monica:  What did you get Ross and Rachel for a wedding present Joey?

 

Joey:  We’ve got to get them a present?! 

 

Chandler:  Ah, yes!

 

Joey:  I didn’t get you guys a present. 

 

Monica:  We know that too. 

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:  Hey.  (after looking at how Chandler, Joey and Monica are dressed)  You guys aren’t going like that are you?

 

Monica:  Going where?

 

Phoebe:  To the rehearsal dinner, it’s like in 45 minutes. 

 

Chandler:  Phoebe it’s 4 o’clock, the rehearsal dinner isn’t for another three hours. 

 

Phoebe:  Oh.  Wait a minute, the wedding rehearsal is in 45 minutes. 

 

Joey:  No, the wedding rehearsal is at 5:30. 

 

Phoebe:  Like I’m gonna believe you, you’re always late for auditions. 

 

Monica:  Joey’s right Phoebe, the wedding rehearsal is at 5:30. 

 

Phoebe:  Ok.  So who’s up for a little 2 on 2?

 

Chandler:  You wanna play basketball?

 

Phoebe:  I was thinking we could have a foursome. 

 

Joey:  You wanna go play golf?

 

Phoebe:  No, but it’s kinda like golf, except that instead of putting the ball in the hole, you take the pin and put it in and pull it out.

 

Joey:  As in sex?

 

Phoebe:  What else would I be talking about?

 

Monica:  Phoebe!  That’s gross!  We don’t have sex with our friends!

 

Joey:  I’ll go a little one on one with you Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  No offense Joey, but I was hoping to go a little one on one with Monica. 

 

Chandler:  I’ll go get the video camera. 

 

Monica:  Phoebe!

 

Phoebe (chasing after Monica):  Don’t be such a prude Mon, you know you want me!

 

Joey:  Stop it, my head’s gonna explode. 

 

Monica:  Get away from me Phoebe! 

 

Phoebe (still chasing Monica):  I want you Mon!  I wanna feel your jugs against my hot body!  I wanna grab your bony little ass!

 

Monica:  Phoebe, this isn’t funny anymore!

 

Phoebe:  But you’ve slept with Rachel!  I just want my turn!

 

Joey/Chandler:  What?!

 

MARK HOPKINS HOTEL (Brad is on the phone.  Jennifer is getting ready to go out)

 

Brad:  Yeah, I need to make a dinner reservation for two.  (pause)  Name?  Yeah, put the reservation under George, George Bush.  (pause)  Yes, I realize that I have the same name as the President of the United States.  (pause)  Yeah, I’ve heard that joke.  Look, dinner for two.  There’s an extra hundred in for you if you get us a table away from the middle of the restaurant.  (pause) Ok, thanks.

 

Jennifer:  George Bush?  That’s original.  What happened to William and Joanna?

 

Brad:  Thought I try something different.  Wow, you look great. 

 

Jennifer:  You should see me naked.

 

Brad:  You’re the one who wanted to go out to dinner.  I was all for room service and a whole bunch of nakedness. 

 

Jennifer:  Where are we going?

 

Brad:  Ross gave me the name of this restaurant.  It’s Sorentino’s.  Ross apparently takes Rachel there when a romantic evening on the town is planned. 

 

Jennifer:  Sounds good.  Are you ready yet?

 

Brad:  Maybe.

 

Jennifer:  Maybe?

 

Brad:  This is your last chance to have an evening full of hot sex.  If we go to dinner, I’m not putting out later. 

 

Jennifer:  Let’s go. 

 

Brad:  Damn it.  That always worked when we were dating.  

 

MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

 

Chandler:  You slept with Rachel?

 

Monica:  No!  She’s lying. 

 

Phoebe:  No I’m not!  You even showered with her!

 

Monica:  Shut up Phoebe!

 

Joey:  My dreams are coming true!  Did you really sleep with her?

 

Monica:  No.  So we showered together once, big deal.  

 

Chandler (stuttering):  Wha, wha, when?

 

Monica:  When we were in college.  It’s not that big of a deal. 

 

Joey:  Yes it is!  You didn’t even go to the same school! 

 

Monica:  Can we drop it?

 

Phoebe:  No we can’t.

 

Monica:  I’m gonna literally kill you Phoebe.  That’s the last time I share anything with you. 

 

Chandler:  So you guys were naked and stuff?

 

Monica:  Yes.  Look, I went to visit Rachel and we got drunk.  We started giving each other massages and things got a little out of hand. 

 

Chandler:  Ross is gonna freak!

 

Monica:  No, no, you can’t tell Ross.  He’s really paranoid about lesbians since Carol broke his heart. 

 

Joey:  You’re a lesbian?  This is so cool.

 

Monica:  Yes I’m a lesbian who married your best friend.  Are you a complete idiot?  I’m not a lesbian, I just experimented that night with Rachel.

 

Joey:  Bisexual?  (Monica glares at Joey) Just asking, geez.

 

Phoebe:  So you wanna experiment with me?  (Monica glares at Phoebe) I didn’t think so. 

 

(Ross enters)

 

Ross:  Hey guys, what’s up?

 

Chandler:  Just reminiscing about our college days, right Mon? 

 

Monica:  Yup. 

 

Ross:  Hey, we’re staying at your place tonight Joey.

 

Joey:  What happened to your place?

 

Ross:  The girls are staying there. 

 

Chandler:  Maybe they’ll get wild tonight and all shower together.  (Monica again glares at Chandler)

 

Ross:  Please.  I already married one lesbian, I don’t need to marry another one.  (Chandler, Joey and Phoebe try to hide their laughter)  What’s so funny?

 

Phoebe:  Nothing, Chandler just farted.

 

SORENTINO’S (Brad and Jennifer are trying to enjoy a nice dinner)

 

Brad:  If that guy comes to our table once more, I’m gonna hit him. 

 

Jennifer:  No you’re not.  If he comes over again, we’ll just leave.  Now eat your food. 

 

Brad:  For once I’d like to go out to dinner with you and not be interrupted by some crazed fan.

 

Jennifer:  He wasn’t your crazed fan anyway, he was mine. 

 

Brad:  How do you know?  He could be gay.

 

Jennifer:  Honey, that only happens to Tom Cruise.  Everyone knows your straight. 

 

(the guy approaches again)

 

Guy:  I’m sorry to bother you again, but could I get your autograph Jennifer?

 

Brad:  Hey buddy, can’t you just leave us alone?  We’re just trying to have a peaceful night out. 

 

Jennifer:  Brad, it’s no big deal.  (to Guy)  Where do you want me to sign?

 

Guy (pulling down his pants):  If you could sign my ass I’d really appreciate it. 

 

Brad:  That’s it!  (Brad jumps up and decks the guy)

 

Jennifer:  Brad!  Brad stop it!

 

THE PARK AVENUE HOTEL (The Wedding Rehearsal is under way)

 

Minister:  And after I’ve said hello to everyone, I’ll ask you and Rachel to please stand. 

 

Ross:  Ok.  Then what?

 

Rachel:  Honey, be patient, he’s getting to that. 

 

Joey:  Yeah Ross, why don’t you take a cold shower. 

 

(Chandler and Phoebe starting laughing as Monica glares at them)

 

Minister:  Then I’ll ask the audience if there’s any reason why these two shouldn’t wed.  There should be no problems and then I’ll proceed to the vows.  You guys prepared your own vows right?

 

Ross:  I knew I forgot to do something. 

 

Rachel:  Ross!

 

Ross (defensive):  Did you remember to write yours?

 

Rachel:  No.  But that’s beside the point. 

 

Minister:  Ah yes, female logic, always blame the guy.  (Rachel glares at the minister)  Ok.  Well lucky for you two, we have the standard vows which I’ll have you two repeat.  Now I must stress one important thing, (to Rachel) his name is Ross and (to Ross) her name is Rachel.  My cousin did this wedding in London where the groom actually said his ex-girlfriend’s name instead of his fiancee’s. 

 

Ross:  His name wasn’t Raymond was it?

 

Minister:  As a matter of fact it was.  Why?

 

Ross:  Oh nothing, I just think I heard about that wedding.   (Ross and Rachel start laughing)

 

Minister:  Who are the ring bearers?

 

Ross:  We have one ring bearer.  My son Ben.  Ben, it’s time to practice. (looking around for Ben)  Where’s Ben?

 

Rachel:  I think he’s playing with Phoebe.

 

Phoebe:  No, he went off with Laura somewhere. 

 

Rachel:  No!

 

Monica:  I’ll go get him. 

 

(Monica returns with Ben)

 

Ross:  Where were you?

 

Ben:  Playing with Aunt Laura.  She was showing me her fake boobs. 

 

Ross (whispering to Rachel)  She’s dead.  (to Ben) It’s time to practice.

 

Minister:  Ok Ben, when I ask for the rings, you give me the pillow, alright?

 

Ben:  Ok. 

 

Minister:  Great, you can sit back down now son.  Ok, then we’ll proceed to the final blessing and I’ll pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss the bride. 

 

(Ross and Rachel start kissing) 

 

Joey (to Monica)  Who kisses Rachel better, you or Ross? 

 

NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT – 52nd ST PRECINCT (Brad’s been arrested and has posted bail.  Jennifer is waiting for him)

 

Sergeant:  Oh by the way, Fight Club, great movie. 

 

Brad:  Thanks.  It’s one of my favorites. 

 

Jennifer:  Are you proud of yourself?  Your first arrest as a celebrity.

 

Brad:  Well I figured if Billy Bob Thornton can get arrested, I might as well join the club too.   Did you know that the favorite movie of the guys in my cell was Fight Club?

 

Jennifer:  What a surprise.  You know you’re sleeping on the couch for the rest of this vacation right?

 

Brad:  Come on Jen, the guy wanted you to sign his hairy ass. 

 

Jennifer:  I could’ve handled it. 

 

Brad:  I know.  But you’re my wife and signing your name on strangers’ asses is where I draw the line.

 

Jennifer:  How’s your hand?

 

Brad:  It’s fine, why?

 

Jennifer:  You’re gonna be needing it.  Let’s go. 

 

ALLESANDRO’S (The Geller Family, The Green family, The Bings and Phoebe and Joey are present)

 

Ross (to Laura):  Stop showing my son your breasts.  Do you understand me?

 

Laura:  I wasn’t showing them to him, I was letting him touch them. 

 

Ross:  Just stop it!  What’s the matter with you?  He’s only eight years old. 

 

Laura:  Fine, fine.  But he’s the one who asked why mine stuck straight out instead of sagging downward like Rachel’s. 

 

Ross:  He said that?  (pause)  Never mind, just stop it. 

 

Laura:  I won’t let it happen anymore. 

 

(cut to Rachel and Monica in the kitchen)

 

Rachel:  Why’d you drag me back here?  We’re supposed to be celebrating my impending marriage. 

 

Monica:  Joey, Chandler and Phoebe know. 

 

Rachel:  Know what?

 

Monica:  About college. 

 

Rachel:  What about college? 

 

Monica:  Our little tryst.

 

Rachel:  No!  You can’t be serious!

 

Monica:  They know.  They beat it out of me.  I’m so sorry. 

 

Rachel:  What are we gonna do?  Ross will kill me if he finds out!

 

Monica:  They promised they wouldn’t say anything to him. 

 

Rachel:  That would be a first. 

 

Monica:  It’s gonna be ok.  We’ll get through the wedding, and then if you have to tell him, tell him. 

 

(cut to the dining room)

 

Ross (to Joey):  Where’s Rachel?

 

Joey:  I dunno.  I think she talking to Monica. 

 

Ross (to Chandler):  Do you know where they’re at?

 

Chandler:  Does this place have a shower? 

 

Ross:  No why?

 

Chandler:  Well they both said they needed a shower, I thought they went and took one. 

 

Ross:  Ok, you’re not helping. 

 

Phoebe:  Maybe they snuck away to plan your honeymoon night?  I hear Monica has some awesome moves in the shower. 

 

(Ross just looks at Phoebe) 

 

Chandler:  I can attest to that. 

 

(Rachel returns)

 

Rachel:  Hey honey.  Ready to eat?

 

Ross:  Yeah.  Do you know why these guys keep making shower jokes?

 

Rachel (uncomfortable):  Not a clue.  Let’s go eat. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK  (Everyone is present, including Brad and Jennifer)

 

Jennifer:  So how was the rehearsal?

 

Rachel:  Great.  The big day tomorrow!

 

Phoebe:  So what did you guys do?

 

Brad:  We just went out to dinner, nothing special. 

 

Ross:  How’d you like Sorentino’s?

 

Jennifer:  Well the food seemed good, but we didn’t get to finish it.

 

Monica:  Why not?

 

Jennifer:  Brad got arrested for punching out a patron who was harassing us.

 

Joey:  Way to go Brad!

 

Chandler:  Did you get a fine or something?

 

Brad:  Even better, a court date in September.  I look at it like another vacation to New York City. 

 

Phoebe:  Well if you get Judge Lewis, tell him I say hi.  He’ll know who I am, I’m his favorite felon. 

 

TO BE CONTINUED