THE ONE WITH ROSS & RACHEL’S WEDDING – PART II

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Ross are hanging out)

Joey: So Ross, have you ever been with another man?

Ross: What?! Are you crazy?!

Joey: I’m certifiable. How about you Chandler?

Chandler: Yes, I take after my father.

Ross: Really? Gross!

Chandler: No you idiot! I’d never go to bed with another man!

Joey: Though many people think you have.

OPENING CREDITS

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Joey: Hey, has anyone you guys have ever dated ever been with another woman?

Ross: Yeah. My ex-wife.

Joey: Which one?

Ross: What do ya mean which one? Carol. Only Carol.

Joey: I don’t know about that. How ‘bout you Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah. One of my girlfriends slept with her best friend in college.

Ross: No way! That’s totally wild. Who was it? Was it Kathy?

Chandler: No.

Joey: Tell him who it was, tell him.

Chandler: No way, I’m sworn to secrecy. You’ll just have to ask around and you can’t ask Joey, he doesn’t know who it was.

Joey: Yes I do!

Ross: Who was it Joey? Come on tell me.

Joey: It was Monica.

Ross: Yeah right. Seriously, come on, tell me.

Joey: I just did!

Chandler: I told you he didn’t know who it was.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are getting ready for the wedding)

Rachel: Has anyone seen my eyelash curler?

Phoebe: Did you check the shower?

Rachel: Why would it be in the shower?

Phoebe: That’s where I keep mine.

Monica: Enough with the shower references Pheebs. Look, it’s their wedding day, we don’t need Ross getting all bent out of shape which is what he’s gonna do if he finds out that I showered with Rachel.

Phoebe: You always ruin all the fun.

Rachel: Please Phoebe, no more jokes about it.

Phoebe: Fine, but only if you shower with me Rach.

Rachel: Cut it out! I don’t do that anymore!

Phoebe: Alright, alright, no need to get all pissy. Let me ask you guys this though, why is it that you can have the straightest hair on your head, but your pubic hairs are always curly?

Monica: I don’t know Phoebe, why is it so important to you?

Phoebe: I just heard that if they were straight you’d poke your eyes out when you were attending to business.

Rachel: You’re sick. And I don’t have that problem anyway, I shave most of it off down there.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, I have a little patch so I feel like a mature woman. Other than that, I look like a young little girl.

Phoebe: What about you Mon? Do you shave down there too?

Monica: First of all, I can’t believe we are having this discussion. And second, yes, I shave it close down there too.

Phoebe: Not me, mine looks like a blond afro. That’s the way nature intended it and that’s the way I’m keeping it.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Continued from earlier)

Joey: What time’s the wedding at?

Ross: 3 o’clock.

Joey: You mean we got sit around here for another 4 hours!

Chandler: No Joey, for you the wedding starts at 1:30 pm.

Joey: That’s a little better. (pause) Wait a minute, where are you guys gonna be?

Chandler: We’ll be here waiting for the limo to pick us up.

Joey: Sounds good. Man, you had me worried there for a minute. I thought I was gonna be at the Hotel all by myself.

Ross: Anyway, now that the mind games are over, what do you wanna do? I got four hours left as a single man, we’ve gotta do something fun.

Joey: What did you did the last time you got married?

Ross: I walked around Vegas with doodles all over my face.

Joey: What about your marriage to Emily?

Ross: I talked with Rachel.

Joey: Ok. You definitely don’t know how to have fun.

Ross: Hey, Vegas was fun. When’s the last time you got married when you were totally drunk?

Chandler: He’s got you there.

Joey: So what should we do?

Chandler: Porn?

Joey: I’m hungry.

Chandler: That has nothing to do with porn.

Joey: Unless your into oysters and hot dogs.

Ross: You just ate a half hour ago. How can you be hungry already?

Joey: I only ate a half a pizza. I normally eat the whole thing myself.

Chandler: This is your apartment, you gotta have some food around here.

Joey: No, Courteney’s been gone and I don’t have any food.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: ‘Cause she does all the food shopping. Geez, why else would I not have any food?

Chandler: Porn it is.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The girls are sitting around)

Phoebe: We should do something. Anyone up for a shower?

Rachel: What did I say about that!

Phoebe: Sorry. But you look so cute when you get all excited.

Rachel: Face Pheebs, we’re not showering together. I’ll be right back. (Rachel runs to the bathroom)

Phoebe: What’s the matter with her?

Rachel: Dunno.

(they hear Rachel getting sick in the bathroom)

Monica: Looks like someone is really nervous.

Phoebe: Or she’s pregnant.

(Rachel returns)

Rachel: Sorry you had to hear that.

Monica: Are you feeling ok?

Rachel: Actually no. All of the sudden I got the cold sweats and got really nauseous.

Phoebe: Maybe you’re pregnant?

Rachel: I hope not. I was really looking forward to getting drunk at the wedding.

Monica: If you are already puking, you’ve got the cart before the horse. You’re supposed to get drunk first then get sick.

Phoebe: There’s only one way to find out. Here.

Rachel: What is it?

Phoebe: Duh, a pregnancy test. I always carry one around in case of emergency.

Monica: You carry a pregnancy test in your purse?

Phoebe: You don’t?

Monica: I don’t a lot of things you do Pheebs.

Rachel: Well I might as well take the test. I’ll be right back. (Rachel goes into the bathroom)

Phoebe (to Monica): $50 she’s pregnant.

Monica: Forget it. I always lose bets.

Phoebe: Geez, you lose your apartment once, and you no longer are a betting machine. You’ve gotten cranky in your married years.

Monica: I’ve been married for six months. (pause) Though with Chandler, at times it feels like years.

(Rachel returns and her face is white)

Phoebe: Well?

Monica: Did you get sick again? You look like hell.

Rachel: I think I’m pregnant.

Phoebe: Think?

Rachel: Well the test was positive.

Monica: Oh my God, you’re knocked up!

Phoebe: Congratulations. Oh, this is so exciting!

Monica: I’m so happy for you. Granted, now I’m gonna have to listen to all my mom’s cracks about why I’m not pregnant.

Rachel: What am I gonna tell Ross?

Monica: Uh, that your pregnant?

Rachel: But we won’t be able to have sex on our honeymoon!

Phoebe: Sure you can. It won’t hurt the baby. And besides, you can always just be there for him.

Monica: And if you play your cards right, you can tell him that we showered together and got it on.

Phoebe: I have one request.

Rachel: Yeah what?

Phoebe: I wanna be there when you tell him that you slept with Monica.

Rachel: Well it’s not gonna happen! I’m not pregnant!

Monica: You were only joking?!

Rachel: Yeah baby, I got you guys good.

Phoebe: Well you better go find some new bridesmaids ‘cause Monica and I are resigning. Ready Monica?

Monica: Let’s go.

(Phoebe and Monica leave with Rachel chasing after them)

Rachel: Come on guys, I was only joking. Guys? Come on, this isn’t funny.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (The guys are watching a porno)

Chandler: It’s amazing to me how long they last.

Joey: That’s what you’re thinking? What’s the matter with you? This is porn. It’s not supposed to produce wonderment.

Ross: That woman has unbelievably large breasts.

Joey: That’s Christy Canyon.

Ross: How do you know?

Chandler: He was almost a porn star himself.

Joey: Hey in a couple of hours Ross you and Rachel are gonna be doing that.

Ross: I hate to inform you of this, but Rachel’s not that flexible. My God, how does she get her legs like that?

Joey: You should totally bring this tape on your honeymoon.

Ross: I think I can manage without it.

Joey: But you could pick up some tips from the tape.

Chandler: I don’t think anyone can do what Ron Jeremy can do.

Joey: I can.

Chandler: Sorry, I didn’t know that you could give yourself a hummer.

Joey: That’s not what I meant!

Ross: Wait till the girls here about that!

Joey: I can’t do that! I would never do that! You tell them and I’ll spill the beans about Rachel and Monica.

Ross: What about Rachel and Monica?

Chandler: Oh no.

Joey: Ah, nothing, I know nothing about Monica and Rachel.

Ross: Chandler?

Chandler: Don’t look at me, he’s the one who brought it up.

Ross (shutting off the TV): What is it Joey? What don’t I want to know about Monica and Rachel?

Joey: How about I tell you when you get back from your honeymoon.

Ross: No, you’re telling me now.

Joey: Chandler, could you help me please?

Chandler: You’re on your own here little hummer boy.

Joey: Fine, but you’re not gonna like it.

Ross: Tell me now Joey!

Joey: Alright, alright. Rachel and Monica showered and did other sexual stuff together once when they were in college.

Ross: What?

Chandler: Rachel and Monica had sex together.

Ross: Thanks, I heard him the first time.

Joey: Are you mad?

Ross: No, that’s old news.

Chandler: You mean you already know about it.

Ross: Yeah, Rachel told me when we were drunk in Vegas. It was right before we had sex. We talked about it and laughed and then we got it on. It didn’t last long though, she passed out when she was on top of me. Anyway, I thought it was hysterical at the time. (pause) It’s not so funny anymore though.

Joey: But you knew. I mean you know.

Ross: Yeah. Rachel obviously doesn’t remember telling me about it.

Chandler: You’re gonna use this against her aren’t you?

Ross: Not necessarily. I’m just gonna have a little fun with her that’s all.

Chandler: You’re sadistic.

Ross: Isn’t that a great trait to have?

Chandler: It must run in the Geller family. Monica’s the same way with me.

Joey: Man, it’s 1:15, I better get to the hotel. Are you guys coming?

Chandler: No. We’re gonna wait for the limo, remember?

Joey: I’ll see you guys there. (Joey leaves)

Ross: He really is incredibly stupid at times.

Chandler: And an hour and half early to your wedding. No wonder why he and Courteney get along so well. She’s more gullible than he is.

Ross (laughing): Imagine how stupid their children are gonna be.

Chandler: He’ll probably never have children. I don’t think he knows that he has to take the condom off to have a chance at getting someone pregnant.

Ross: That’s good to know. I don’t think I could handle Joey having kids.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The limo has arrived to pick up the girls)

Monica: Come on Rach, the limo’s here. We’ve got to go.

Phoebe: Do you think the limo driver will let me drive?

Monica: No.

Rachel: Alright let’s go.

Monica: You look so beautiful in that dress.

Phoebe: It’s a good thing you’re not pregnant, you’d have to change the color of your dress.

Rachel: Huh?

Phoebe: You can’t wear white if you’re pregnant.

Monica: No, you’re not supposed to wear white if you’re not a virgin.

Phoebe: Well then she should have gotten married when she was sixteen. (Monica starts laughing)

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Come on you know it’s true.

Rachel: Still, cheap shot.

Monica: We’ve gotta go.

Rachel: Hey wait a minute, we forgot to do the shot thing.

Monica: What shot thing?

Rachel: You know, the shot of Jack Daniels to celebrate our friendship and another milestone in one of our lives.

Monica: Oh yeah. You got the Jack Daniels?

Rachel: Right here baby. Wait a minute, why is it half empty?

Phoebe: Oops, that would be me. I found the bottle last night and helped myself.

Rachel: You drank half the bottle!

Phoebe: Trust me I know. I still feel sick.

Rachel: Anyway, here are your shot glasses. (pouring the shots) And here’s the whiskey. (lifting her shot glass): To friendship that will never die.

Monica/Phoebe: To friendship.

Rachel: Oh crap, I’m gonna be sick again! (Rachel runs to the bathroom)

Phoebe: What a lightweight.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are waiting for the limo)

Ross: You know, I think this marriage is gonna last.

Chandler: If it didn’t you’d be the worst man at marriage ever.

Ross: You know what they say, the fourth time’s the charm.

Chandler: That’s the third time, the third time is the charm.

Ross: Why do you always have to be right?

Chandler: Sorry, I think your sister has rubbed off on me. Seriously, I’ve never seen you more in love with anyone then you are with Rachel. Even when you married Carol, I always thought that it wasn’t gonna last. When you married Emily, same thing. But when you married Rachel the first time and didn’t wanna get divorced right away and you hid it from her, I knew then that deep down you still loved her.

Ross: Why didn’t you say anything?

Chandler: Not any of my business. You make your own choices Ross.

Ross: I know that. Why didn’t you say anything after Rachel and I got married in Vegas?

Chandler: I knew that you still loved her, but Rachel hadn’t forgiven you yet. You don’t mess with Rachel’s life.

Ross: After Vegas, that’s when I knew, that’s when I knew I still was in love with her. I just hoped that she’d forgive me someday.

Chandler: Well your day has come.

Ross: And that’s why the fourth time is the charm.

(the intercom buzzes)

Chandler: Yeah?

Man on Intercom: The limo is here to pick up the Geller party.

Chandler: We’ll be right down. Are you ready?

Ross: Yeah, let’s do it.

Chandler: Not me and you right?

Ross: Well you’re the one who said you’ve been with a man before.

PARK AVENUE HOTEL (The hall where the wedding is held. The audience has been seated and is waiting for the wedding to start. Ross, Joey and Chandler are at the front of the audience. Phoebe, Monica and Rachel are in another room)

Ross: Where are Brad and Jen? (a commotion is heard at the back of the hall – photographer flashes and reporters’ questions being shouted. Brad and Jen enter, embarrassed by the attention) And there they are.

Chandler: Have you ever realize how much Rachel looks like Jen?

Joey: I know, it’s like they’re identical twins.

Ross: Huh, I just don’t see it.

Chandler: A man blinded by love.

Joey (to Ross): You’re blind? When did that happen? How many fingers am I holding up? (holds up two)

Ross: Two.

Joey (to Chandler): He’s not blind, why’d you say he’s blind?

Woman: We’re ready to start. Joey and Chandler, follow me.

Chandler: Good luck Ross.

Joey: Good luck man. Man, this is his fourth marriage, I just wanna be married once!

Courteney (from her seat): I’ll marry you Joey if you ask.

Joey (to Chandler): She wasn’t supposed to hear that.

Cut to the front of the hall, Ross is waiting for Rachel, Chandler and Joey have moved to the back of the hall to escort Monica and Phoebe down the aisle. Jennifer’s Song starts playing and the procession begins. Joey and Phoebe are first, followed by Chandler and Monica. The Bridal Chorus starts and the congregation rises, Rachel is escorted down the aisle by her father.)

Dr. Green (to Ross): Dr. Wethead…..

Rachel: Daddy!

Dr. Green: Ross, I give to you my daughter Rachel, make an honest woman of her. (to Rachel) I love you Rachel and I’m proud of you. Oh, and I’m proud that you didn’t go out the window this time.

Rachel: Thanks Daddy.

(Dr. Green sits down)

Ross (whispering to Rachel) Hey, before we get married, I’ve got one question.

Rachel (whispering): Quickly.

Ross: Who’s a better kisser, me or Monica? (Rachel is left speechless) I knew it was me. Time to get married.

(Ross and Rachel turn to face the Minister. Chandler and Joey are next to Ross on the right side and Monica and Phoebe are next to Rachel on the left side.)

Minister: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join Rachel Green and Ross Geller in matrimony. Marriage is a very important institution. One built on trust and love. Monica will now read a passage from the Book of Corinthians that speaks to the virtues of love. Monica….

Monica: Hi. I’ve never done this before so if I screw up, I’m sorry. Ok. Here we go.

Chandler (whispering to Joey): I’m not married to that woman. I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Monica: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.

Minister: Thank you very much for that beautiful reading Monica. We shall now proceed to the ceremony. We are here today to join Rachel Green and Ross Geller in matrimony. We are here to celebrate their love for one another and have asked you in the audience to share in their display of their love for each other. If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two shouldn't wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. (Pause)

Man: I object!

(Ross and Rachel turn around to find Gunther standing)

Rachel: Gunther, what the hell are you doing?!

Minister: Um, if the bride and groom and you sir would follow me, we have some things to talk about.

Ross: I’m gonna kick his ass!

Rachel: This is all your fault, you never have normal weddings!

CLOSING CREDITS

PARK AVENUE HOTEL (The rest of the bridal party is standing stunned)

Monica: Leave it to Ross and Rachel to have a weird wedding.

Phoebe: I knew this was gonna happen. Gunther’s been in love with Rachel ever since she came to the City.

Chandler: Why didn’t you tell her or something?

Phoebe: I thought you guys knew. We talk about it all the time?

Joey: Who’s we?

Phoebe: Denise and I.

Chandler: Ah yes, Phoebe’s imaginary roommate.

Phoebe: She’s not imaginary, she’s right over there. (points to an older woman)

Monica: That’s my Aunt Kathleen Phoebe.

Phoebe: Busted.

To Be Continued