THE ONE WITH THE SHOTGUN WEDDING

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Phoebe and Chandler are present)

Joey: Call in sick again Chandler?

Chandler: No, it’s a vacation day.

Phoebe: How much vacation do you get?

Chandler: Four weeks.

Joey: So you pretty much take two months off from work with your sick days and all.

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: Can you get me a job there?

Chandler: Phoebe, you’re a multi-millionaire, you don’t need to work.

Phoebe: Yeah but I’ve never had a job where I got four weeks of vacation and unlimited sick days.

Chandler: I don’t get unlimited sick days.

Joey: Then how do you account for all those sick days you take?

Chandler: Easy, I charge them to different members of my staff.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is getting Ben ready for school)

Rachel: Hurry up Ben or you’re gonna miss the bus.

Ben (emerging from the baby’s bedroom): I don’t feel too good Mommy.

Rachel: What’s the matter sweetie?

Ben: I have a stomach ache.

Rachel: Do you need to stay home?

Ben: I think so. I wouldn’t want to get to school and then barf all over the playground.

Rachel: Thanks for the visual Ben. Ok, back to bed.

Ben: Can I lie on the couch instead?

Rachel: Sure. I’ve got to call Auntie Monica so she can watch you while I go to work.

Ben: Can’t you call Uncle Chandler?

Rachel: Uncle Chandler’s at work.

Ben: No he’s not, he told me he was taking the week off.

Rachel: I guess Uncle Chandler could watch you. I’ll call him.

Ben: Great!

Rachel: You don’t seem really sick there mister.

Ben: No, I’m sick. I think I’m gonna go throw up. (Ben goes to the bathroom)

Rachel (on the phone to Chandler): Chandler? (pause) It’s Rachel. Can you watch Ben today? He’s got the stomach flu or something. (pause) Yeah, Ross will be home by 3pm. (pause) Great. I’ll see you in five.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Joey: How you doin?

Phoebe: I’m bored.

Joey: Wanna go have sex?

Phoebe: With you?

Joey: Is there somebody else I don’t know about?

Phoebe: No. You know the deal, no sex until after we’re married.

Joey: You’re killing me here!

Phoebe: It’s only been three days!

Joey: The longest three days of my life! Let’s go get married right now! I need sex!

Phoebe: Ok.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I’ll marry you today. It’ll cut short my punishment time.

Joey: You know about that?

Phoebe: Of course. Like you’d ever take a wife.

Joey: True. So we get married today and then divorce in five years from today.

Phoebe: Five years?! It’s not like I killed Hugsy, I just kidnapped him.

Joey: Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Phoebe: How about one year?

Joey: Yeah, I think that’s much better. Oh, and it’s not like we can’t see other people.

Phoebe: That’s pretty much a given with you.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is finishing his first lecture)

Ross: So, as you can see, the Velociraptor was a lean mean eating machine. The only thing that it couldn’t eat were humans ‘cause we didn’t exist then.

Student #1: What do you mean we didn’t exist? In Jurassic Park we co-existed with dinosaurs.

Ross: Ok, for the last time. Jurassic Park was a movie. A movie. No island in the world has dinosaurs living on it today. Dinosaurs existed over 65 million years ago. The first hominid didn’t appear until 200,000 years ago.

Student #2: What’s a hominid?

Ross: Something you should’ve learned by now. (the bell rings) That’s it for today. Mid-terms are in two weeks. I’d tell you to study but for most of you it’s not gonna make a difference.

(Joey approaches)

Joey: Seriously, what’s a hemorrhoid?

Ross: It’s hominid.

Joey: Sorry, what’s a hominid?

Ross: They were the first primates to walk on two feet. Humans evolved from hominids.

Joey: Oh. Then what’s a hemorrhoid?

Ross: Why’d you come down here Joey?

Joey: Will you be my best man at my wedding?

Ross: I thought Chandler was your best man.

Joey: He was but he’s not available right now.

Ross: What do you mean right now?

Joey: Phoebe and I are getting married today at noon down at the Hall of Justice.

Ross: Are you serious?

Joey: When am I never serious?

Ross: But I‘ve got a class to teach at 1:30.

Joey: Dude, this is like a Vegas wedding, it’ll only take ten minutes.

ALLESANDRO’S (Monica is working in the kitchen)

Waitress: There’s someone here to see you.

Monica: Not now. I’m busy getting ready for the lunch rush.

Waitress: She says it’s really important.

Monica: What’s her name?

Waitress: Regina Filange.

Monica: Send her back. (under her breath) This better be important Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey Mon. Wassup?

Monica: I’m in the middle of getting ready for the lunch rush. What do you need?

Phoebe: Is that any way to treat a bride-to-be?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Joey and I are getting married at noon today. Can you be my Matron of Honor?

Monica: No. I’m the head chef, I can’t leave.

Phoebe: What if I called in a health code violation?

Monica: Then you’d lose a friend for life. Go ask Rachel, she’ll do it. It’s her lunch hour after all.

Phoebe: Don’t you get a lunch hour?

Monica: No, I cook through lunch. That’s why they call it the lunch rush.

Phoebe: As in rushing for the toilet after they eat here?

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go ask Rachel. Don’t expect to be the Matron of Honor at my next wedding though.

Monica: I’ll take my chances Phoebe.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Chandler is watching Ben)

Chandler: So how are you feeling there champ?

Ben: I feel great. Wanna go to the park?

Chandler: We can’t. You’re sick.

Ben: I’m not sick. I just tricked Mommy Rachel into thinking that I was sick. I can’t believe she fell for it. Mommy Carol and Mommy Susan never let me stay home from school when I say I have a stomach ache. They always give me Pepto Bismol and send me to school. Mommy Rachel’s just clueless.

Chandler: Who taught you to do that?

Ben: You did.

Chandler: That’s impossible.

Ben: No, Daddy’s always talking about how you never go to work because you’re always sick or something. I just learned from listening to my Daddy.

Chandler: So you wanna go to the park?

Ben: Yeah!

Chandler: Where’s the park?

Ben: How am I supposed to know? I’m just a kid.

Chandler: Look, I’ll take you to the park under one condition. You are not to say anything to your Dad or Mommy Rachel. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Ben: Sure. You don’t want Daddy and Mommy to know that I pretended to be sick to stay home from school.

Chandler: You are a smart kid.

Ben: I know. Too bad Mommy Rachel isn’t smart.

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working at her desk as Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: I need a favor.

Rachel: For the last time, I’m not setting you up with our copy guy.

Phoebe: No, I need you to be my Matron of Honor.

Rachel: Isn’t it Maid of Honor?

Phoebe: No, when you’re a married woman it’s Matron of Honor.

Rachel: I’d be happy to be your Matron of Honor Pheebs, but couldn’t this have waited until I got off work?

Phoebe: No. I need you to come to the courthouse with me today at noon. Joey and I are getting married today.

Rachel: Are you serious?

Phoebe: For once, yes. Dead serious.

Rachel: Oh my God! You’re really gonna marry Joey?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I have to serve my punishment.

Rachel: Punishment?

Phoebe: For stealing Hugsy. I have to stay married to Joey for one year.

Rachel: And you agreed to this?

Phoebe: What? It’s not like we can’t see other people while we’re married. So will you do it?

Rachel: I suppose I could use my lunch hour to help you out.

Phoebe: Yeah! I knew you’d do it, or I should say, Monica knew you’d do it.

Rachel: You already asked Monica?

Phoebe: Yeah, but she said no. She’ll be the Matron of Honor at my next wedding.

Rachel: Are you like trying to catch up to Ross in the number of weddings category?

Phoebe: Huh. I guess so. Look, will you do it?

Rachel: Yeah. Let me tell Edna that I’m going to lunch.

Phoebe: Who’s Edna?

Rachel: My temp secretary.

Phoebe: You needed a temp secretary and you didn’t ask me?

Rachel: Only sane people can work here Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh. That makes sense then.

THE PARK (Ben and Chandler are on the swings)

Chandler: You know when I was little boy, my friends and I use to see who could get the highest.

Ben: What’s so special about that?

Chandler: Apparently nothing. What do you and your friends do?

Ben: We see who can get the highest and then jump from the swing.

Chandler: But we’re not doing that today.

Ben: Why not?

Chandler: Because you could get hurt and you’re supposed to be at home watching TV on the couch. You’re sick, remember?

Ben: Just watch, I’ll be fine.

Chandler: Don’t do it Ben! Don’t do it! (Ben jumps off the swing and lands safely) He didn’t listen to me!

Ben: It’s your turn Uncle Chandler!

Chandler: I don’t think so Ben.

Ben: What? Are you chicken?

Chandler: No, I’m not chicken. Adults don’t jump off swings.

Ben: You’re chicken. Bawk, bawk, bawk, Uncle Chandler’s chicken!

Chandler: Here we go! (Chandler gets real high and jumps, landing awkwardly) F@#$, that hurt. My ankle, my ankle. Mother of Jesus, I think I broke my ankle.

Ben: Are you ok Uncle Chandler?

Chandler: No, I’m in pain! Go get my cell phone!

Ben: Is your peepee stuck in the zipper again?

Chandler: I wish. That pain doesn’t compare to this! Go get my cell phone and call 911. Tell them where we are and have them send an ambulance.

Ben: Should I call Mommy Rachel?

Chandler: God no! Just call for the ambulance. Do you know how to do that?

Ben: 911, right?

Chandler: Good boy, now go!

NEW YORK CITY COURTHOUSE (Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are present)

Ross: So are you guys nervous?

Joey: Nervous? Why? When we’re done I get to have sex again baby!

Rachel: I now see the real motive behind this union.

Phoebe: Hey, the no sex thing was hard for me too. It takes a woman a lot longer to get there all by herself if you know what I mean.

Ross: What about you Joey?

Joey: Same time. It’s like clockwork for me.

Clerk: Tribbiani-Buffay party, you’re up next.

Ross: You guys are sure you wanna do this?

Joey: Did you not hear me say that I get to have sex with Phoebe after this is all over?

Rachel: They’re ready Ross.

(Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel go into the courtroom)

Justice of the Peace: Hello, my name is Kerry and I will be marrying Phoebe and Joey today. Phoebe and Joey, if you would please step forward. Can I see your marriage license please?

Joey: Yeah, I’ve got a question about that. Is there like an expiration date on that?

Kerry: No. It’s for the life of the marriage.

Joey: Oh, so when we get a divorce in a year the license will be no more?

Kerry: You’re getting a divorce in one year?

Phoebe: No, no. He’s just stupid.

Joey: Look who’s talking.

Kerry: Could you guys wait to fight until after the ceremony?

Joey: Sorry.

Kerry: And who are your witnesses?

Joey: My best man is Dr. Ross Geller. He’s the goofy one over there.

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: You are goofy honey.

Phoebe: And my Matron of Honor is Rachel Geller.

Kerry: Very well. Let’s get this over with. I’ve got a tee time at 1:30.

Ross: That’s great to hear, I’ve got a class to teach at 1:30.

Rachel: Yeah, and I only get an hour for lunch so let’s do this.

Phoebe: Wow, this is like a shotgun wedding!

Kerry: Ok. Let’s start. Is there anyone here who has a reason why these two shouldn’t wed?

Ross: Ah Kerry, we’re the only ones here.

Kerry: I know, but I thought about objecting myself and then I remembered I couldn’t. Ok, on with the vows. Joey, do you take Phoebe to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Joey: What do I say?

Kerry: I do.

Joey: Oh right. Yes, I do.

Kerry: Phoebe, do you take Joey to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Phoebe: I do.

Kerry: May I have the rings please. (Ross and Rachel give Kerry their respective rings) Joey place this on Phoebe’s finger as a symbol of your union. (Joey does) Phoebe, place this ring on Joey’s finger as a symbol of your union. (Phoebe does) By the powers vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Phoebe and Joey start going at it) (to Ross and Rachel) Well I give these guys two years and then I’ll see them in divorce court. What about you?

Ross: A year and half tops.

Rachel: I’ll go with a year.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ben and Chandler are present. Chandler has a cast on his left leg)

Chandler: Now what do we tell Dad and Mommy Rachel when they get home?

Ben: That I got sick on the floor and you slipped on it trying to get me to the bathroom and broke your ankle.

Chandler: Right.

Ben: Do I still get the $20?

Chandler: Yes, as long as Dad and Mommy Rachel fall for the story, you get $20.

Ben: Cool.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Monica are present)

Monica: How’s Ben?

Ross: He’s fine, why?

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry honey. I forgot to tell you that Ben didn’t feel well this morning and he had to stay home from school.

Ross: He didn’t happen to have a stomach ache did he?

Rachel: Yeah. How’d you know that?

Ross: Rach, it’s the oldest trick in the book to get out of going to school. The fake stomach ache. Monica and I did that all the time to my Mother growing up. Except in Monica’s case, she usually had a stomach ache from all the chocolate she ate for breakfast.

Monica: Hey, Kit Kats have milk in them. It was a balanced breakfast.

Ross: Yeah that’s why you ate five for breakfast each morning.

Rachel: Wait a minute. You’re telling me, you’re telling me that I was duped by an eight year old?

Ross: Pretty much. Don’t worry honey, he did it to me once when he was in kindergarten.

Rachel: And I left him with Chandler all day.

Ross: You did what?!

Rachel: He was the only one who was free and besides, he asked for Chandler personally. (Ross gets up and heads for the door) Where are you going honey?

Ross: You left him with Chandler?! They could be anywhere by now! (Rachel rushes out with Ross)

Monica: Yeah, maybe having kids isn’t a good idea.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey have just returned from the Courthouse)

Joey: That driver was really cool. I can’t believe he let us have sex in his cab.

Phoebe: I gave him something a little extra.

Joey: $100?

Phoebe: More like a picture of my pierced nipples.

Joey: Good one. Ready to have sex again?

Phoebe: No. Don’t you have an episode of General Hospital to shoot today?

Joey: No, I’m on a temporary leave of absence.

Phoebe: What’d ya do?

Joey: I had sex with one of the Key Grips on the set and got caught.

Phoebe: Did she have a good grip?

Joey: Not really.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Chandler is now asleep and lying on the couch, Ben is watching TV on the floor. Ross and Rachel enter)

Ben: Uncle Chandler wake up! Daddy and Mommy are home!

Ross: Hey Ben, how are you feeling?

Ben: Better.

Rachel (noticing his cast): Chandler, what in God’s name happened to you?

Chandler: Ben started to get sick and I went to carry him to the toilet but I slipped on some of his, ah stuff, and broke my ankle.

Rachel: So you really were sick honey?

Ben: Of course Mommy. I know better than to lie to you.

Ross: Oh really. Then explain to me why Mrs. Scott saw you and Uncle Chandler at the park today.

Ben: We didn’t go to the park today.

Ross: Oh and one other thing, Mrs. Scott saw Uncle Chandler break his ankle. She helped him stay calm before the paramedics got to him.

Chandler: That was Mrs. Scott?

Rachel (to Ben): Did you fake being sick today to play with Uncle Chandler?

Ben: Yes. I’m sorry.

Ross: Go to your room. It’s not nice to lie and it‘s wrong.

(Ben goes to his room)

Rachel: Chandler, are you completely stupid?

Chandler: As a matter of fact I am.

Rachel: You knew he wasn’t sick didn’t you?

Chandler: Yeah. I asked him if he was feeling better and he admitted that he duped you into thinking he was sick.

Ross: So you rewarded him by taking him to the park. What’s the matter with you?

Chandler: I wish I hadn‘t. I broke my ankle jumping off the swing and now I have to wear this stupid cast for the next 4-6 weeks. And hey, I’m his fun Uncle Chandler. He wanted to go to the park so I caved. Big deal.

Ross: Ok, no more babysitting for you. Consider yourself fired.

Chandler: Fine. But Ben is fine and nothing happened to him. What was I supposed to do? Take him to school?

Rachel: There’s an idea! That would’ve been the adult thing to do.

Chandler: But since when have you considered me to be an adult?

Rachel: Right, what was I thinking?

Ross: Do you need help home?

Chandler: No, my crutches are right here. I’ll be fine. I’m sorry.

Ross: It’s alright. Just no more babysitting.

Chandler: There was no Mrs. Scott was there?

Rachel: I guess you’ve joined the duped list.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler hobbles in as Monica comes out of their bedroom)

Monica: Oh my God! What did you do?

Chandler: I took Ben to the park and broke my ankle jumping off the swings.

Monica: You took your nephew to the park when he was sick?

Chandler: He duped me.

Monica: The boy is eight years old! How stupid are you? (pause) Wait, don’t answer that question.

Chandler: Look, it’s bad enough that I have to wear this cast for the next 4-6 weeks. Ben’s fine, in trouble with Ross and Rachel, but fine.

Monica: You do realize now that we can never have kids.

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: I’m having enough trouble raising you.