THE ONE WITH THE FAMILIAR TERRITORY

Written by: eze93@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Courteney are present)

Monica: So Rach, how’s the job search coming?

Rachel: It’s not. There’s nothing in this damn City for me, I might as well go back to serving coffee for a living. (Gunther approaches) I mean, it’s like when I used to work in this hell hole, it took me 2 ½ years to find a job. I don’t work here again! (Gunther backpedals) I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Ross: Sweetie, you’ll find something. It’s only been a week and half and besides, you have a recruiter working for you this time.

Chandler: Yeah Rach, we use Ms. Phelps all the time to find quality employees. Of course, she did bring Courteney into my life.

Courteney: Hey, I’m a quality employee!

Chandler: Then why are you here instead of at work?

Courteney: Because you’re here.

Phoebe: She’s got you there.

Chandler: Yes, but unlike Courteney, I get paid no matter what.

Courteney (hurriedly leaving): See you back at the office Chandler.

Monica: You are so mean!

Chandler: What? I can’t help it if she doesn’t realize when I’m lying.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Chandler has returned to the office)

Phoebe: Rach, have you talked to Mark? Maybe he could get you a job at Liz Claiborne.

Rachel: I didn’t even think of that. What a great idea! I’m gonna call him right now.

(Rachel gets up to use the phone)

Ross (to Phoebe): What did I ever do to you?

Phoebe: What?

Ross (mimicking Phoebe) Talk to Mark, wonderful Mark will get you a job!

Monica: Oh my God, you’ve got to be kidding me. Ross, Rachel’s marrying you for Pete’s sake, I hardly think Mark is a threat anymore.

Ross: He broke Rachel and I up.

Phoebe: Ross, you guys broke up because you slept with the Copy Girl.

Ross: Do you have to remember everything?

Monica: Phoebe’s right Ross, Mark had nothing to do with your break up. Geez, if you can't trust Rachel after all you guys have been through, then you shouldn't be getting married again.

Ross: You don't think I know that?

Phoebe: Not really.

(Rachel returns)

Rachel (excited): I’ve got a new job! I’ve got a new job!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Mark got me a new job in his department!

Ross: What?!

Monica: That’s great Rach! What are you gonna be doing?

Rachel: I’m gonna be the senior buyer in Mark’s Department, I'm gonna be working directly under him.

Phoebe: So Mark is gonna be your boss?

Rachel: Yeah, isn’t it great!

Ross (sarcastically): You're gonna be working under him? That's such great news! You're gonna be working under him.

Rachel: Are you alright?

Ross: I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just happy for you! Ok, I have to go. I've got a class to teach.

Rachel: Your class isn't for another two hours.

Ross: Look at that, I'm not even prepared. Ok, I, I better go. See you later honey.

Rachel: What's the matter with him?

Phoebe: It's Ross, there's always something wrong with him.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV, Ross enters)

Ross: Hey.

Joey: What are you doing here?

Ross: Rachel is going to be working under Mark.

Joey: Is this some kind of dirty math problem?

Ross: No, she got a new job at Liz Claiborne and Mark is going to be her boss.

Joey: Who's Mark?

Ross: The Mark that broke up Rachel and I four years ago.

Joey: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Chloe break up you guys?

Ross: Why does everyone always focus on that?!

Joey: 'Cause you slept with her?

Ross: He's gonna do it again. He's gonna break us up again. This is just real familiar territory. This is how it all started the last time.

Joey: Dude, you've got to chill out. First, you're marrying Rachel and second, Chloe got fired from the Copy Shop so you don't have to worry about her anymore.

Ross: She got fired? Why? Never mind. That doesn't have anything to do with this.

Joey: Exactly.

Ross: Ok, you're making no sense.

Joey: Look, Chloe's out of the picture right?

Ross: Yeah, so?

Joey: So things can't repeat themselves. She's not gonna be there to seduce you with her belly-button ring again when you and Rachel fight over this.

Ross: Rachel and I are not gonna fight over this.

Joey: Fine. But when you do, remember what I said, Chloe won't be there to seduce you.

Ross: You know, I should've just talked to the chick and the duck. Thanks anyway. (Ross leaves)

Joey: Talk to the chick and the duck, like they know who Chloe is.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)

Chandler: You know, I was thinking about this whole baby thing, maybe it’s not such a good idea right now.

Monica: What? You’re having second thoughts?

Chandler: I just don’t think I’m ready.

Monica: Chandler, you’re never ready for anything.

Chandler: What’s that suppose to mean?

Monica: Well, you weren’t ready to get married.

Chandler: That’s not true. I had no second thoughts at all.

Monica: Then why did you show up 30 seconds before we were to walk down the aisle?

Chandler: You know why! The limo you hired never picked us up!

Monica: Oh, so it’s all my fault!

Chandler: Ah, yes!

Monica: You know what, I don’t even wanna bear your child now. I’ll see you around. (Monica leaves)

Chandler: Damn it! I’m staying with Joey again!

PHOEBE & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Phoebe is cleaning)

Phoebe: Does she use the plates? I think so! (finds something sticky and moldy in the sink) What the hell is that! Oh my God! It looks like, like a dirty hamster!

(Courteney enters)

Courteney: Hey roomie!

Phoebe (mad): Don’t hey roomie me! What the hell is this? (throws the sticky and moldy object at Courteney)

Courteney (surprised): Hey! What in the hell is your problem?

Phoebe (mad): You! This place is a sty! You never clean up after yourself! I am not your Mom!

Courteney (yelling): You sure sound like her!

Phoebe: I want you out! We’re finished as roommates!

Courteney: What?

Phoebe: You heard me! I want you out!

Courteney: Fine! I’ll be out by the end of the week!

(Courteney leaves)

Phoebe (calmly): That didn’t go so badly.

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is finishing his lecturing)

Ross: And that’s how we knew that some dinosaurs walked erect. Any questions? (sees student raise hand) Yes Nicole?

Nicole: So some dinosaurs walked around with huge erections? (class laughs)

(Chandler enters the classroom)

Ross: No. No Nicole, the dinosaurs walked on two feet. That’s what we mean when we say they were erect. In sexual terms, they didn’t walk around sporting erections.

Chandler: But if they did the female dinosaurs wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with those monsters.

Ross: Ok, class dismissed. Remember, midterms are in two weeks. Be like all good college students and start studying now. (to Chandler) You had to do it, didn’t you?

Chandler: I can never pass up a good erection joke.

Ross: What are you doing here?

Chandler: Your sister and I had a huge fight and I don’t know what to do.

Ross: What did you do this time?

Chandler: All I said was that I didn’t think I was ready to have kids.

Ross: You told her that?

Chandler: Yes.

Ross: You’re dumber that I thought.

Chandler: Look, I love Monica and I want to have kids with her, but I’m just not ready.

Ross: Chandler, when you have kids you’re never ready. When I had Ben, it took me the entire first year of his life to feel like a Dad.

Chandler: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I mean, I still feel like a second hand Dad at times. I mean heck, he’s primarily being raised by two lesbians. If that doesn’t damage a kid, I don’t know what will. But you know what, I still love Ben the same. And hey, in your case, you and Monica will be the sole parents.

Chandler: Not if Monica is sleeping with the mailman.

Ross: What?

Chandler: Sorry, the jokes just keep coming.

Ross: The question is, when is the right time to have kids. You both have to agree on that. Don’t do it just because she’s ready. You have to be ready too.

Chandler: I still am a kid. (Ross just looks at Chandler) Ok, ok, I’ll talk to her. Thanks man.

Ross: Hey, you’re my brother-in-law, that’s what we’re for.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)

Rachel: You’re overly quiet tonight, what’s wrong?

Ross: Nothing’s wrong. Tough day at work.

Rachel: Oh, what happened?

Ross: Nothing really, my students just weren’t really interested in what I was teaching.

Rachel (laughing): How is that different than any other day? (pause- realizes Ross isn’t laughing) Ok, that obviously wasn’t funny. Anyway, I start my new job on Monday.

Ross: Great.

Rachel: That’s all you have to say? Great?

Ross: What do you want me to say?

Rachel: How about being supportive?

Ross (snappy): Fine, I am very happy for you and I hope you do really well.

Rachel: You’re upset because Mark is my boss.

Ross: No.

Rachel: Oh my God, you’re upset because I’m working with Mark again. You think I’m gonna leave you for him.

Ross: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I didn’t say anything.

Rachel: Mark did not break us up Ross, Chloe did!

Ross: Well he sure got the ball rolling now didn’t he!

Rachel: Ugh, I’m not having this fight with you! How can you not trust me?!

Ross: Oh I trust you! I trusted you the first time. But no, you had to go work with wonderful Mark. So fine, you go work under Mark, if you know what I mean!

Rachel: Get out!

Ross: This is my apartment!

Rachel: Not anymore! Get out! And don’t bother coming home!

(Ross leaves and Rachel sits down on the couch and cries)

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV and eating dinner. Courteney enters)

Joey: Hey Court, what’s going on?

Courteney: I need a place to stay for a few days.

Joey: Why?

Courteney: Phoebe kicked me out.

Joey: Why?

Courteney: Apparently she thinks I’m a slob and can’t handle me anymore. (pause) Can I move with you?

Joey (surprised): Um, I don’t know. It’s kinda soon don’t you think?

Courteney: But I need a place to stay.

Joey: Let me think about it ok.

Courteney: Alright.

(Ross enters)

Joey (to Ross): What are you doing here? Wait don’t tell me, you and Rachel had a fight about Mark didn’t you.

Ross: No.

Joey: Then why are you here?

Ross: ‘Cause Rachel’s going to work for Mark.

Courteney: Who’s Mark?

Joey: Long story, not enough time.

Ross: Can I crash here tonight? Rachel kicked me out.

Joey: Wasn’t that your apartment to begin with?

Ross: Apparently not.

Joey: Yeah, you get the spare bedroom.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey.

Court/Joey/Ross: Hey.

Joey: What’s your story?

Chandler: Monica isn’t speaking to me again and I need a place to crash.

Joey: You can sleep on the pullout.

Chandler (to Ross): What did you do?

Ross: Mark.

Chandler: Oh, you didn’t. (looks at Ross) You did. What was the last thing you said?

Ross: Something to the effect that Rachel should go sleep with him.

Courteney: Sounds like you’ll be in Joey’s spare bedroom for a long time.

Joey: Welcome to Hotel Tribbiani.

CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Phoebe and Monica are present)

Rachel: Well I think the wedding’s definitely off.

Monica: I should think so, I can’t believe he told you to just go sleep with Mark.

Phoebe: Rach, you can move in with me, Courteney’s leaving by the end of the week.

Monica: What did she do?

Phoebe: She’s a slob.

Monica: Like the way you were a slob when you lived with me?

Phoebe: Ok, no. You’re just super anal when it comes to cleanliness. I mean we had a moldy thing growing in the sink that looked like a greenish hamster.

Rachel: You know what? Maybe the three of us should just move in together. We don’t need those guys. Well, Joey can come cause he’s never a problem.

Phoebe: Oh, that would be great! We could be the three girlskeeters.

Monica: That would be great but I married Chandler and I have to work this out with him. I’ll see you guys later. (Monica leaves)

Phoebe: What about you Rach?

Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve ever been this hurt by Ross before.

Phoebe: What about the time he slept with the Copy Girl?

Rachel: Ok, this is the second most I’ve ever been hurt by him. I mean, why doesn’t he trust me? Is there something about me that is untrustable?

Phoebe: Rach, he’s just a real insecure guy. I really don’t think he means to hurt you. I sometimes think he just doesn’t know why you’re with him.

Rachel: I’m with him because I love him.

Phoebe: Maybe he needs to hear that.

Rachel: And maybe Courteney needs to know what you expect for cleanliness before you hastily kick her out.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney, Chandler and Ross are sitting around.)

Joey: Ok, you’re sleeping with me, (points to Courteney) you’re in there (points to Ross) and you’re on the couch (points to Chandler). Did I forget anybody?

Chandler: What about the chick and the duck?

Joey: Right. (pointing at the chick and the duck) You guys are in the bathroom. Goodnight. Courteney, let’s go.

Courteney: I love it when he’s so forceful.

Chandler: He sounds like Monica.

Ross: Or Rachel.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is eating breakfast. Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey, I just came home to shower and change and then I’ll be gone. (walks towards the bedroom)

Monica: Chandler, wait.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Don’t you think we should talk?

Chandler: About what?

Monica: Us.

Chandler: What’s there to talk about? You’re mad at me because I don’t want kids right now and you do.

Monica: Yes I was mad, but I forgot that you have a say in this marriage too.

Chandler: Can you hold on a minute? I need to get that on tape.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: Ok. Look, I talked with Ross and he made me realize some things.

Monica: This ought to be good. (Chandler stares at Monica) I’m sorry, go on.

Chandler: Look, I love you. I may never really be totally ready to have kids but I know that eventually I will want them. I just want to spend some time with you as a married couple. Let’s do some crazy things as a married couple first and then have kids. Once we have kids, then the time for us will be limited. Can’t we just spend a couple of months acting like newlyweds before we start planning for the future?

Monica: Sounds good to me.

Chandler: That’s it?

Monica (hugging Chandler): I love you and I think that it’s a great idea to act like newlyweds for the next couple of months. When we have kids, we both have to be ready. You’re not ready to have kids, in fact, you’re still a kid.

Chandler: I thought so too.

PHOEBE & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Courteney is packing her stuff. Phoebe enters)

Courteney (cold): Hi.

Phoebe (warm): Hi. I’m so glad you’re here.

Courteney: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Look Courteney, I’m very sorry that I snapped at you and told you that I want you out. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want you to stay my roommate.

Courteney: That’s great Phoebe, but it’s a little late. I’m moving in with Joey.

Phoebe: You can’t move in with Joey!

Courteney: Why not?

Phoebe: It’s too soon. You need to stay here with me.

Courteney: No, I don’t think so.

Phoebe: Please, please don’t move in with Joey!

Courteney: Why not?

Phoebe: ‘Cause I don’t wanna lose another roommate and friend. And I’m really sorry that I asked you to move out. It was just that time of the month for me.

Courteney: Your period?

Phoebe: No, my bitchy day of the month.

Courteney: Ok, I’ll stay. One thing though, if you could mark your bitchy days of the month on the calendar, that would be great. Then I would know to stay at Joey’s that day.

Phoebe: It’s a deal.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is getting ready to leave when Ross enters)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Um, I know I’m not supposed to be here, but I came to pick up some clothes and essentials.

Rachel: Ok. I’ll see you later. (Rachel goes to leave)

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: I love you.

Rachel: That’s nice.

Ross: Is this it?

Rachel: I don’t know Ross. You tell me.

Ross: I love you, doesn’t that matter?

Rachel: Is that why you told me to go sleep with Mark?

Ross (quietly): No.

Rachel: What?

Ross (a little louder): I said no. Look, I was angry.

Rachel: No Ross, you don’t trust me.

Ross: That’s not true.

Rachel: Why else would you get all jealous and bent out of shape?

Ross: Because I’m insecure and I don’t know why you’re with me.

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: Why are you with me? I am a geek who teaches paleontology to college students who don’t care. I have had three failed marriages. The first was with a lesbian, the second lasted as long as our courtship and the third was a drunken mistake. Face it, I’m a loser.

Rachel: You’re anything but a loser. I’m with you because I love you. I don’t care about the marriages. Hell I was part of the third one. Look, you make me happy, at least most of the time.

Ross: I don’t wanna lose you again.

Rachel: Then stop telling me to go sleep with other men. You know, I can only think of one other time when I felt as hurt as I was last night.

Ross: Chloe?

Rachel: Do I even have to affirm that?

Ross: No. All I can say is that I’m deeply sorry.

Rachel: Do you trust me?

Ross: Of course I do. Why would you doubt that?

Rachel: Because every time a Mark comes along, you get extremely jealous. Is marriage your answer to the jealousy? Is that why you asked me to marry you?

Ross: I asked you to marry me because I love you. My answer to the jealousy is to hear from you that you love me for who I am.

Rachel: Then listen to me carefully, I love you for who you are. I don’t need anyone else.

Ross: I love you too. Now what?

Rachel: Well if it’s any consolation to you I’m not taking the job at Liz Claiborne.

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: Because I got offered a better position with Victoria Secret.

Ross: As a model?

Rachel: Don’t you wish. No, I’m the new Head of Purchasing for the East Coast.

Ross: That’s so cool. Do you get to bring home the outfits?

Rachel: Only if you stop telling me to sleep with other men.

Ross: Ah, Monica said the wedding’s off.

Rachel: Monica doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But I should warn you, you have to stop pissing me off.

Ross: I’m a guy, I can’t make that promise. That’s why you wear the pants in this relationship.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Courteney)

Joey: I see everyone made up. Thank God, Hotel Tribbiani was overflowing with tenants.

Courteney: I better not be included in that tally.

Joey: You’re my favorite tenant.

Chandler: That’s only because she sleeps with manager.

Monica: At least somebody’s been getting some lately.

Rachel: Amen to that.

Ross (to Chandler): I think that was directed at us.

Phoebe: Hey, don’t forget about me, I haven’t had sex in three months.

Joey: Do you want some help with that Phoebe?

Courteney: Joey!

Joey: Just trying to help a friend in need.