THE ONE WITH THE REVENGE

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey and Phoebe are present)

Monica: So Courteney came back?

Rachel: Yeah, and Joey left with her last night. I hope he doesn’t do something stupid.

Ross: Maybe he’ll handcuff her and throw her in the East River.

Rachel: That’s not nice Ross.

Ross: Nice? After what she did to him? She took all his stuff! He should throw her off the Brooklyn Bridge!

Chandler: Knowing Joey, he doesn’t know where the Brooklyn Bridge is.

Monica: Maybe he’ll act like he’s forgiven her and then handcuff her to her bed and leave her there.

Rachel: Monica! You’re as bad as them!

Monica: Oh really, what would you do Rach?

Rachel: I’d drive her upstate to a Bed and Breakfast Inn.

Ross: You’d reward her?

Rachel: You didn’t let me finish. I’d strip her naked, handcuff her to the bed, take her clothes and money and take off.

Ross: That’s the woman I fell in love with.

Rachel (to Ross): Yeah, I was gonna do it to you after the “we were on a break” incident but I never got around to it.

(Camera cuts to Ross who is mortified)

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before – Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey guys!

Chandler: Where’ve you been Pheebs?

Phoebe: I was with Peter.

Ross: Who’s Peter?

Monica: According to Chandler it’s the thing in his pants.

Rachel: You named your thing?

Chandler (embarrassed): No. Who’s Peter Phoebe?

Phoebe: The guy I slept with an hour after Joey and I broke it off, and apparently the thing in your pants.

Monica: You only waited an hour after breaking up with Joey to sleep with someone else?

Phoebe: Yeah, but don’t judge me, Joey only waited a half hour to sleep with Laura.

Ross: Who’s Laura?

Phoebe: Duh, it’s the girl that Joey slept with.

Rachel: Well you both beat Ross’ record of three hours.

Ross: Don’t go there Rachel.

Rachel: Come on Ross, it’s from our past.

Ross: Still.

Monica: Well Chandler and I must be going we have an appointment. Let’s go Chandler.

Ross: Who are they seeing?

Chandler: I don’t know but I’m obviously going.

(Chandler and Monica leave)

Rachel: They’re going to see our counselor, Dr. Brady Guertin.

Ross: They’re going to see the quack we went to right before we got married? He doesn’t solve problems, he creates them.

Phoebe: What does that mean?

Rachel: Ross feels that Dr. Guertin sided with me on the “we were on a break” thing and he hates him for it.

Phoebe: Well of course he did, we all know Ross was wrong.

Ross: That’s not what you said after it happened Phoebe.

Phoebe: I did not! He’s lying Rachel.

Rachel: I really don’t care at this point Phoebe.

Ross: That’s not what you said to that quack.

Phoebe: Anyway….has anyone seen Joey and Courteney?

Rachel: No. Are they back together?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I was just asking if you’d seen them since last night.

Rachel: What happened last night between them Phoebe?

Phoebe: I don’t know. I just heard that she was back in town.

Rachel: How did you know? You weren’t around when Courteney showed up.

Phoebe: Gunther told me about it.

Rachel: Gunther wasn’t working last night.

Ross: What did you do Phoebe?

Phoebe: I didn’t do anything.

Ross: Did you contact Courteney?

Phoebe: Me?

Rachel: Oh my God, you contacted Courteney right before you broke up with Joey!

Phoebe: I did not!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Ok, ok, ok, I have a confession to make. I called Courteney two weeks ago and told her that Joey was still in love with her.

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with Courteney)

Courteney: So are you glad I came back?

Joey: At first I was pissed, but after the third time of doing it with you, I became convinced that I was glad that you came back.

Courteney: You mean to tell me that you were mad at me while we were having sex?

Joey: Pretty much.

Courteney: You’re a pig!

Joey: Well you’re a thief. You took all of my stuff!

Courteney (jumping out of bed): I’m leaving!

Joey: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Courteney: Haven’t you missed this?

Joey: Missed what?

Courteney: Us fighting.

Joey (getting out bed and hugging Courteney): I’ve really missed you. Let’s go away tonight to an upstate Bed & Breakfast.

Courteney: Really?

Joey: Really. It’ll be fun. Trust me.

DR. BRADY GUERTIN’S OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)

Dr. Guertin: So what brings you two into my life?

Chandler: Pardon me?

Dr. Guertin: What brings you and Monica here Chandler?

Monica: Rachel, my best friend, recommended you. You help her and my brother Ross right before they got married.

Dr. Guertin: Ah yes, Ross and Rachel Geller, the “we were on a break couple”.

Chandler: Geez, everyone knows that story.

Dr. Guertin: So why are you guys here?

Monica: We’ve been having marital problems.

Chandler: We have? Why didn’t you tell me?

Dr. Guertin: Ok, I see part of the problem. What else?

Chandler: There’s more?

Monica: We haven’t had sex in four weeks.

Chandler: Do we really have to talk about that, it makes me feel so inadequate.

Dr. Guertin: Go on Monica.

Monica: I had a miscarriage two months ago and recently I’ve been feeling like I never wanna have sex with Chandler again.

Dr. Guertin: And that’s why you guys haven’t had sex in four weeks?

Monica: Yes.

Chandler: And here I thought it was because I spilled coffee all over the rug.

Monica: Yeah, it’s partly that too.

Dr. Guertin: So you’re obsessive/compulsive about cleanliness.

Chandler: You got that right. Are we done yet?

Monica: Chandler, knock it off. Excuse my husband, he gets really obnoxious when he’s uncomfortable.

Dr. Guertin: Do you love Chandler Monica?

Monica: Yes.

Dr. Guertin: Do you love Monica Chandler?

Chandler: She completes me.

Dr. Guertin: That’s not what I asked. Do you love her?

Chandler: Yes.

Dr. Guertin: Do you want to have sex with Chandler again Monica?

Monica: Yes.

Dr. Guertin: Do you want to have sex with Monica again Chandler?

Chandler: If we don’t have sex again soon my right hand is gonna have blisters the size of Texas. (cut to Monica who is laughing)

Dr. Guertin: I’ll take that as a yes. And it’s good that you laughed at that comment Monica, it shows that you really do care about Chandler’s needs. Ok, the first thing we need to talk about is the miscarriage that you both suffered.

Monica: Ah, Chandler didn’t have the miscarriage, I did.

Dr. Guertin: Yes, physically it happened to you, but emotionally, it affected Chandler as well.

Monica: I never looked at it that way.

Chandler (tears filling his eyes): All you had to do was ask.

Dr. Guertin: I guess your husband isn’t always the class clown.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are present)

Rachel (to Phoebe): Why in the heck did you do that?

Phoebe: Do what?

Rachel: What da ya mean do what? Why’d you call Courteney and tell her that Joey was still in love with her?

Phoebe: Because.

Ross: That’s it? Just because?

Phoebe: It’s complicated.

Rachel: Did Joey tell you this or did you make it up?

Phoebe: He told me.

Ross: Really? When?

Phoebe: Well we were at his place and we were taking a nap on the couch. I woke up and Joey was talking in his sleep. He kept saying Courteney’s name over and over again.

Ross: And from that you got that Joey was still in love with her? He could’ve been dreaming that he was pummeling her to her death.

Phoebe: Don’t you think I knew that?

Rachel: Well did you?

Phoebe: Not exactly.

Rachel: Phoebe, you’re an idiot.

Phoebe: Am I? Then why haven’t Joey or Courteney showed up at all today?

Ross: Joey probably killed her, got arrested, and is rotting in jail.

Phoebe: Don’t you wish. Joey spent the night with Courteney.

Rachel: How do you know that?

Phoebe: I called over to Joey’s this morning. Courteney answered the phone.

Rachel: Joey’s gone and done something stupid again.

DR. BRADY GUERTIN’S OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)

Dr. Guertin: So you see Monica, your miscarriage affected Chandler in a great way.

Monica (to Chandler): Why didn’t you say anything to me?

Chandler: I knew you were dealing with your own stuff, I didn’t wanna bother you with my feelings.

Monica: I never knew you had feelings.

Chandler: I’m a complicated man.

Dr. Guertin: And Monica, you should have shared with Chandler that you felt detached from him. Take his right hand, look at the calluses, the poor man was going to lose the use of his right hand if you continued to stifle your feelings about your miscarriage.

Monica (to Chandler): You’ve been playing with yourself again?

Chandler: I’ve been treating it like it was a kiddie playground.

Monica: Oh honey, I’m so sorry. When we get back to the apartment we’re making love for the rest of the day.

Chandler: I know my hand appreciates that.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)

Rachel: Are you ready yet?

Ross: I’m not going.

Rachel: For the last time Ross, you’re going. It’s a simple dinner.

Ross: The last time we had dinner with your Mom she felt me up.

Rachel: My sisters will be there too. It’s not gonna happen again.

Ross: Yeah you’re probably right. Jill or Laura will probably be the ones to feel me up this time.

Rachel: I’ll call my Mom and tell her we can’t make it.

(knock on the door)

Ross: Come in.

(Joey enters)

Ross: Well look what the cat dragged in.

Joey: Hey. Do you guys still have those handcuffs I lent you?

Ross: Yeah, they’re in the bathroom.

Joey: Why are they in the bathroom?

Ross: Do you want me to answer that?

Joey: No. I need them. Could you get them please?

Ross: Sure, hold on.

(Ross leaves, Rachel enters from the kitchen)

Rachel: Hey Joe.

Joey: How you doin?

Rachel: So you’re up to your neck in stupidity again eh?

Joey: What?

Rachel: Have you lost your mind? What are you doing taking Courteney back?

Joey: Look Rachel, I didn’t judge you when decided to give Ross another chance, so back off.

Rachel: Are you saying you’re still in love with her?

Joey: Maybe.

Rachel: I just don’t want to see you get hurt again Joey.

Joey: I’ll be fine Rach.

(Ross returns)

Ross (throwing the handcuffs to Joey): Here you go. Thanks for letting us borrow them.

Rachel: Aw, you’re taking the handcuffs back?

Joey: Rach, you’re four months pregnant, what possible use could you have for the handcuffs?

Rachel: You’d be surprised if I told you.

Ross: Why do need them Joe?

Joey: Courteney and I are going to a Bed and Breakfast Inn upstate tonight. You know, to celebrate us getting back together. I thought we might have a little fun. Ok, I gotta go get Courteney. See ya later.

(Joey leaves)

Ross: Did you cancel dinner with your Mom?

Rachel: Yeah. But Dad beeped in while I was on the phone with Mom and now we’re having dinner with him.

Ross: You better be kidding.

Rachel: Better get your coat, he’ll be here in five minutes.

Ross: Rachel!

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)

Chandler: And she’s back!

Monica: I got back four times baby!

Chandler: Now that’s what I call making love.

Monica: Don’t get all mushy on me.

Chandler: I’ve really missed this.

Monica: Me too. Wanna do it again?

Chandler: I can’t.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: You’ve tired him out. He won’t stand up anymore.

Monica (standing up on the bed naked): Will he stand up now?

Chandler (checking under the covers): And he’s back at attention.

BED & BREAKFAST INN – UPSTATE NEW YORK (Courteney and Joey are in their room)

Courteney: So what da ya wanna do?

Joey (holding up the handcuffs): I wanna have some fun.

Courteney: Ew, you’re such a bad boy. What do you want me to do?

Joey: How about we both get completely naked and then I’ll handcuff you to the bed and do those things you like.

Courteney: Ok!

(Courteney and Joey take off their clothes. Joey joins Courteney on the bed and then handcuffs her to it.)

Courteney: Oh, I’ve missed you.

Joey: I’m gonna turn off the lights.

Courteney: Great idea. (a few minutes of silence) Joey? Joey what are you doing?

Joey: I’m getting my surprise ready for you. Close your eyes and think of the best thing that I can give you.

Courteney: Is it a ring?

Joey: Maybe. No talking now.

Courteney: Hurry up I’m getting cold. My nipples could cut glass.

Joey (turning on the lights, fully dressed): See ya Courteney.

Courteney: What? What are you doing?

Joey: I’m screwing you over the way you screwed me over. Have a nice life.

Courteney: Joey! Joey! You can’t leave me like this! I’m completely naked!

Joey: Now you know how I felt when I found out that you took all of my stuff! See ya Courteney!

(Joey leaves)

Courteney: Joey! Joey! Joey, you bastard! I’m gonna get you for this!

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Phoebe: So he took her to a Bed & Breakfast upstate?

Rachel: Yeah. I hope he knows what he’s doing.

Ross: Joey’ll be fine.

Chandler: Do you guys wanna know what Monica and I did today?

Phoebe: No, not really.

Monica: We had sex.

Phoebe: Congratulations, so did I. (to Ross and Rachel) How about you guys?

Rachel: Not yet. Although I think Ross had sex with himself.

Ross: You heard that?

Monica: No guys, it was the first time Chandler and I had sex in four weeks.

Chandler: Yeah, we did it five times. It was just like when we started going out and were hiding our relationship from you guys.

Ross: And once again I wish that you wouldn’t talk about my sister’s sex life.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Did it work?

Joey: Like a charm.

Rachel: What are you doing here and did what work?

Joey: Mine and Phoebe’s plan.

Ross: Which was?

Joey: To get back at Courteney for stealing all my stuff.

Chandler: You didn’t kill her did you?

Joey: Even better.

Monica: You threw her off the Brooklyn Bridge?

Joey: The Brooklyn Bridge? Where’s that?

Chandler: I told you he didn’t know where it was.

Ross: What did you do to her?

Joey: We stripped naked. I handcuffed her to the bed, turned off the lights, got dressed and then told her I was leaving. I left her handcuffed to the bed completely naked. Needless to say, she was very unhappy.

Phoebe: Did you remember to bring her clothes?

Joey: Damn it! I knew I forgot something.

Rachel: Hey, Joey did what I would’ve done to her!

Phoebe: Yeah, that’s where we got the idea from.

Rachel: I told you about that idea.

Phoebe: Rachel, you told everyone that idea after Ross cheated on you. It’s a surprise that you never did do it to Ross.

Rachel: Our life together is over yet.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

Monica (to Joey): Wait a minute. You said this was yours and Phoebe’s plan. When did you guys think this up?

Phoebe: Over pizza at Tony’s a couple of weeks ago.

Chandler: So you guys breaking up was just a charade?

Joey: No, that was real.

Ross: Well if you knew that you were gonna get revenge on Courteney, then why did you act so surprised when she showed up?

Phoebe: Because I told Joey that I couldn’t get a hold of her. I had to make sure that he was surprised in order for the plan to work.

Rachel: Did the plan include Joey having sex with her?

Joey: What plan involving me wouldn’t have me having sex with someone?

Rachel: Right, you’re Joey.