Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (Ross, Ben and Caitlin are present. They're at the gate waiting for Rachel. The passengers start to offload)
Ben: Do you think Mommy will bring me a present?
Ross: She might. But she's worked hard all week in Alaska, so if she didn't get a chance to pick up a present for you don't be disappointed.
Ben: Ok. Maybe she'll bring me a snowball.
Ross: The snowball would melt on the plane buddy. And besides, we have snow on the ground here in New York.
Ben: But Uncle Joey said that snow was different in Alaska.
Ross: Well Uncle Joey was wrong. Snow's still made the same way in Alaska as it is here.
Ben: How is snow made again?
Ross: I'll explain it to you later. (Rachel exits the gate) Look, there's Mommy. Rachel!
Caitlin (pointing to Rachel): Mama. Mama.
Ross: That's right sweetie, that's Mama. Oh my God, you said something other than swear words!
Rachel (kissing everyone): Hi! I'm so happy to see my family! And how are my little children?
Ross: We're all just fine and we're happy that you're home.
Ben: I'm great too Mommy.
Rachel: That's right Ben, you're not a little kid anymore, you're a big boy.
Ben: You bet I am.
Rachel (to Ross): You however will always be my little child.
OPENING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Monica, Michael and Joey are present)
Joey: When's Michael's birthday?
Monica: As his godfather you should already know when Michael's birthday is.
Joey: Yes, but I have a lot of balls in the air in my head. I can't keep anything straight. I called my sister Gina the other day to wish her a happy birthday and she said "thanks, but my birthday was ten months ago". Now I have to wait another six months until she has her birthday again.
Monica: There're only twelve months in a year Joey. In two months you have to call her again to wish her a happy birthday.
Joey: See, I'm so confused I can't even add right!
Monica: You can't add period Joey.
Joey: So when's Michael's birthday?
Monica: Tomorrow.
Joey: Tomorrow! Couldn't you give me a little more notice! Can't you at least put his birthday off for a week!
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Chandler and Jenna are present)
Chandler: Are you sure it's ok if we have the party here Pheebs?
Phoebe: He's my godson! Of course you can have the party here! (pause) You just have to make all the arrangements without me. My schedule's really jammed tight today.
Jenna: Busy night at the restaurant tonight?
Phoebe: No, today's my day off.
Chandler: Then what things do you have to do?
Phoebe: Not things, thing. I have to catch up on my sleep.
Chandler: Oh, as long as it's something important Jenna and I will take care of everything.
Phoebe: Thank you.
(Chandler's cell phone starts ringing)
Jenna: Donna wants you.
Chandler: How do you know it's not Monica?
Phoebe: Because Monica thoroughly enjoys her time away from you.
Chandler: You're such a good friend Phoebe. (answering the phone) Hello? (pause) Hey Donna. (pause) The figures are on your desk. (pause) You're kidding me? My child's first birthday is tomorrow. You can't expect me to go out of town on the same day that my son has his first birthday. It was bad enough that I missed his birth. (pause) And if I don't? (pause) Oh. (pause) Ok. I'll talk to Monica. (pause) I have to talk to Monica. She wears the pants in the family. (pause) Yeah right! Bill told me how you rule the household from your silver throne. (pause) Hello? (to Phoebe and Jenna) I shouldn't have said that last part to her.
Jenna: Not unless you want to get fired.
Chandler: Which is what's gonna happen if I don't fly to Seattle tomorrow morning.
Phoebe: Monica's gonna kill you.
Chandler: What I am supposed to do? Not go? If I don't go I'll get fired.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Caitlin and Ben are present. Rachel is holding Caitlin.)
Ross: Are you tired?
Rachel: No not at all. It's still only noon in Alaska.
Caitlin: Mama.
Rachel: Did you hear that? She just said Mama.
Ben: That's old news, she said that when you got off the plane.
Ross: Don't be fresh Ben.
Ben: I'm sorry. It's great to have you home Mommy.
Rachel: It's great to be home buddy.
Ben: I'm gonna go play hoop.
Ross: Don't break anything.
Ben: Dad, things only break when Uncle Chandler plays with me. (Ben goes off into his and Caitlin's room)
Caitlin: Mama.
Rachel: That's right honey, Mama's home. (to Ross) How was the play?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: The play. Didn't you go see The Producers with Julie?
Ross: Oh yeah, we had a good time.
Rachel: Hopefully not too good of a time.
Ross: Of course not, she was a perfect lady.
Rachel: That's good because you're incapable of being a perfect gentleman.
Ross: Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Rachel: Anytime.
Ross: Michael's birthday is tomorrow.
Rachel: Who's Michael?
Ross: Your nephew, Monica and Chandler's son. Ring any bells?
Rachel: He's having his first birthday already?
Ross: If he isn't throwing a party for him is gonna be a big mistake.
Rachel: I haven't even had the time to go shopping for him. Please tell me you got him something for his birthday.
Ross: I took care of it.
Rachel: What'd you get him?
Ross: A $200 savings bond.
Rachel: You spent $200 for his birthday?
Ross: No, I only spent $100.
Rachel: Oh. Wait how is that possible?
Ross: I'll explain it to you later.
Rachel: Is Julie coming to the party?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Because I'm not hanging out with Julie anymore.
Rachel: What?
Ross: We need to talk.
Rachel: Did you sleep with her?
Ross: No! I love you so much I'd never do that to you.
Rachel: Funny that's why we broke up the first time. What do we have to talk about?
Ross: Do we have to do this now?
Rachel: You don't tell someone that we have to talk and then put it off for some later time. It's just not nice. Now what is it?
Ross: Now don't get mad.
Rachel: Oh my God! You kissed her!
Ben (from the bedroom): Who did Daddy kiss now?
Ross: Go back to your game Ben. (to Rachel) I didn't kiss her. It's nothing like that.
Rachel (putting Caitlin down): Then what is it?
Ross: You know how you told me to entertain Julie while you were away?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Well that's what I did.
Rachel: So.
Ross: And in the process, and in the process, crap how am I supposed to tell you this?
Rachel: I'm gonna grab Ben's baseball bat and beat you over the head with it if you don't tell me right now.
Ross: I developed romantic feelings for Julie. (The camera cuts to Rachel's face. She's in shock to say the least, then she starts to cry uncontrollably) Rach, nothing happened, I just thought it'd be best if I told you.
Caitlin (raising her arms to Rachel): Mama.
(Rachel picks Caitlin up and goes into the master bedroom, leaving Ross standing in the family room by himself)
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica, Chandler and Michael are present)
Monica: You're not gonna believe this but I called my parents to see if they wanted to come over tomorrow for Michael's birthday and then they told me they already have plans. My own parents won't even celebrate Michael's birthday with us.
Chandler: What's their big plans?
Monica: They're going to Atlantic City with the Thompson's. I don't even know who the Thompson's are. They probably made them up just so that they wouldn't have to come over. It was probably all my Mother's idea.
Chandler: Your Mom wouldn't do that.
Monica: Yes she would.
Chandler: Well I guess this isn't the best time to tell you all this but here it goes. Joey and Jenna are going to visit Jenna's parents, Phoebe's going to meet John's folks and Ross and Rachel probably won't be here because Rachel will probably kill Ross after she finds out that he developed feelings for Julie while she was gone.
Monica: So none of our friends are even gonna be here! I need a new group of friends!
Chandler: And there's one other thing that I need to talk to you about.
Monica: If it's bad news just keep it to yourself. I don't wanna hear it.
Chandler: I might not be there either.
Monica: I said keep it to yourself! (pause) What? What did you say?
Chandler: Donna needs me to go to Seattle to put out a fire. I told her that it was Michael's birthday and she didn't care. She said business is business and if I didn't go she'd fire me.
Monica: Then consider yourself fired! You're not going anywhere! You're not leaving me here with our son on his birthday when none of my friends or family is gonna be here with me!
(Monica storms into the master bedroom, slamming the door behind her in the process)
Michael: Mama.
Chandler: What's that champ?
Michael: Mama.
Chandler: Monica! Michael just said his first word! He said Mama!
Monica (from the bedroom): Sure, you'll be here for his first word but not his first birthday!
Chandler (picking up Michael): Come here kiddo. Mommy's just having a bad day.
(Monica emerges from the master bedroom)
Monica: He said Mama?
Chandler: Either that or mailman really fast.
Monica: If you need to go to Seattle, then go. I understand.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: No. You figure out a way to get out of it.
Chandler: Yes ma'am.
Monica: And don't call me ma'am.
Chandler: Yes Ms. Stalin. (Monica glares at Chandler) Phoebe said to call you that she said you like it. You obviously don't. Ok, insert both legs into mouth.
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Jenna are present)
Phoebe: Where's Joey?
Jenna: He went to get Michael something for his birthday.
Phoebe: Now? His birthday is tomorrow.
Jenna: Joey forgot.
Phoebe: You didn't remind him that Michael's birthday was tomorrow?
Jenna: Only everyday for the past two weeks.
Phoebe: I knew I never should have let Joey smoke pot, it killed the only brain cells the poor soul had left.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Check it out! Check it out! Look what I got Michael for his birthday! (holds up an adult sized Knicks game jersey)
Jenna: Joey! Michael's only a year old! He's gonna have to wait twelve years before he could even think about wearing that!
Joey: So?
Phoebe: You're supposed to get Michael something that he can use now.
Joey: But his birthday is tomorrow, I don't have time to find him something that he can use now.
Jenna: That's why I reminded you everyday for the past two weeks.
Joey: You reminded me about Gina's birthday, not Michael's.
Jenna (to Phoebe): You have a valid theory Phoebe. Let an idiot smoke pot and he'll turn into an imbecile.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross, Rachel, Ben and Caitlin are present. Ross and Ben are playing nerf basketball in Ben and Caitlin's bedroom. Rachel is in the master bedroom with Caitlin)
Ben: That's goaltending!
Ross: No it's not. I blocked your shot on the way up.
Ben: But I can't shoot over you even when you're on your knees!
Ross: What do you want me to do? Lie down?
Ben: That'd be great.
(Rachel and Caitlin enter)
Rachel (putting Caitlin in her crib): Ben, Caitlin has to take a nap now. Why don't you go play a video game?
Ben: Ok. (Ben runs into the family room)
Rachel (to Ross): And you, you come with me.
Ross: Yes ma'am.
Rachel: And don't call me ma'am.
Ross: Yes Rachel.
Rachel: Don't call me Rachel either. Just follow me into the bedroom and be quiet.
LONG ISLAND - THE RESIDENCE OF BILL HAUGHNEY & DONNA ARMENTANO (Chandler has come to talk to Donna. He's outside the door)
Chandler: You can do this. (knocks on the door - Bill, Donna's husband and Chandler's ex-boss answers the door)
Bill: So you came to get fired. I think you'll be the first person in the world to get fired from two separate jobs by the same married couple.
Chandler: Is Donna available?
Bill: Yeah. Come on in. Donna, a peon is here to see you.
Chandler: Man, this house is huge.
Bill: That's called being a big-time executive Chandler. Something that you may never get to experience if you continue to put your family over your career. It's good to see you again Chandler.
(Bill walks away)
Donna: Chandler, it's so nice of you to come see me at my home. You take the day off and then you come to see me at home in the evening when I'm supposed to be relaxing from a hard day's work. Did you come to pick-up your plane ticket?
Chandler: No, I came here to talk to you about that.
Donna: I thought I made my instructions very clear. You're to go to Seattle and fire Mr. Sally tomorrow. If you don't go, I'll consider it an act of insubordination and I'll be force to fire you. You don't want to be fired again Chandler, do you?
Chandler: No, I want to keep my job.
Donna: Then go to Seattle tomorrow and fire Mr. Sally.
Chandler: Why do I have to fire him?
Donna: Because you’re the executive in charge of that division. That's what executives do.
Chandler: Why can't I just go to Seattle the day after tomorrow and fire Mr. Sally?
Donna: Because I told you to fire Mr. Sally tomorrow.
Chandler: Fine.
Donna: Have fun in Seattle.
Chandler: I'm not going to Seattle.
Donna: Don't throw it all away Chandler. Your son's gonna have many birthdays in his life, you can be there for those.
Chandler: It's my son's first birthday. It's a special birthday, just like a 16th birthday or a 21st birthday. I'm not missing my son's first birthday it was bad enough that I missed him being born.
Donna: Then clean out your office, you have 'til the end of the week.
(Chandler goes to leave then turns around)
Chandler: A couple of months ago you told me that you were gonna make some changes in the executive management ranks. You promised to my face that you were gonna stop driving us so hard. You see I'm a man who keeps his promises. I promised my wife that I'd be there for my son's first birthday. I'm keeping that promise. If it's gonna cost me my job, then so be it. I'm not putting my career ahead of my family anymore. So instead of firing me, I'm just gonna quit. I'll clean out my office by the end of the week.
(Chandler leaves and shuts the door)
Bill (who has come back to the foyer): That's not the same Chandler who used to work for me.
Donna: And that's why I'm not letting him quit.
Bill: One of these days your little challenges may backfire on you.
(Donna goes outside of the house)
Donna: Chandler!
Chandler (turning around): What?
Donna: Go to Seattle the day after tomorrow. That's if you still want your job. Mr. Sally can sit and squirm for another day.
Chandler: Why now? Why'd you make me come all the way out here?
Donna: I didn't make you come out here. You came on your own.
Chandler: You could've just let me go to Seattle later this week.
Donna: True. But I wanted to see how you'd react if I told you that you had to go on your son's birthday.
Chandler: Forget it, I don't need to play games with you anymore. I want to work with someone who I can respect.
Donna: How does a $15,000 raise sound?
Chandler: I'll have my secretary book the flight, nice negotiating with you.
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in their bedroom. Ben is playing a video game and Caitlin's napping)
Ross: Are we gonna talk or are you just gonna stare at me?
Rachel: What did I say about talking?
Ross: Come on Rach, this is ridiculous. Nothing happened between Julie and me.
Rachel: How do you figure? I go away for a week on business and come home to find that my husband developed a crush on the very person I told him to hang out with.
Ross: And I did the right thing by telling you what happened. I told Julie that we couldn't hang out anymore and I told you. What more do you want?
Rachel: So you just told Julie to beat it?
Ross: Not exactly.
Rachel: What did you tell her?
Ross: Ah that I couldn't hang out with her anymore because I was starting to develop feelings for her.
Rachel: Well that's just fantastic! You tell a friend that you want to cheat on your wife with her!
Ross: That's not what happened. I didn't want to cheat on you. When I noticed that I was drawn to Julie, I immediately stepped back. I didn't do anything wrong. Do you think I'm the first married person to develop feelings for someone other than their wife or husband?
Rachel: That's neither here nor there. It's the mere thought of you falling for someone new that upsets me. It brings back all the issues from the first time we were together.
Ross: So you're saying that I shouldn't have said anything to you? I should've kept it under the rug?
Rachel: Yes, no. Now you've got me all confused!
Ross: Do you know what Julie said after I told her what I was feeling? She said just remember one thing, you love your wife. Talk with Rachel about what's happened, she'll understand. It's probably happened to her as well.
Rachel: Well isn't that sweet?
Ross: So you're saying that this has never happened to you. You're saying that you've never looked at another guy since we got back together and thought, wow, I'd really like to go out with him.
Rachel: No.
Ross: I don't believe you.
Rachel: So not only do you develop feelings for someone else, you resort to calling me a liar?
Ross: I'm not calling you a liar. I just believe that you've developed little crushes on guys since we got back together.
Rachel: I already told you that have never happened! Have you lost your ability to hear?
Ross: I don't know what else to say. I was honest with you about what happened and I told Julie that it was best if we didn't hang out anymore. I love you Rachel and I never want to be with anyone else again. That's why I married you. You make me happy.
Rachel: Then what the hell are you doing going off and developing a crush on someone else?
MONICA & CHANDLER'S FLAT (Monica is feeding Michael as Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: How'd it go?
Chandler: I quit.
Monica: What!
Chandler: I quit. I told her that I made a promise to be with you on Michael's birthday and that I was keeping that promise.
Monica: You can't quit! I don't make enough money to support all of us. We're not gonna be to afford our mortgage!
Chandler: Then she told me to go to Seattle later this week and gave me a $10,000 raise. What's for dinner?
Monica: Why do you do that? Why do you always tell me the bad news first and then the good news? Why can't you just be a normal person and tell me that you've arrange to go to Seattle later this week and got a $15,000 raise in the process?
Chandler: One, ok, I'm not normal. You should know that by now and two, I like messing with your mind.
Monica: Well mess with this, you're in charge of making dinner tonight.
Chandler: I can handle that.
Monica: And you can't order out. You have to cook.
Chandler: But I don't know how to cook.
Monica: This is me messing with your mind.
Chandler: So I really don't have to make dinner?
Monica: Yeah right. When I mess with your mind, I don't follow up bad news with good news. I expect dinner in an hour. (to Michael) Let's go put your PJ's on. (Monica gets up and takes Michael into his bedroom)
Chandler: She is pure evil.
Monica: I heard that!
PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Jenna are present)
Jenna: What did you get Michael for his birthday?
Phoebe: Nothing but a card.
Jenna: Just a card?
Phoebe: And a $20,000 check to go along with it.
Jenna: You're kidding me!
Phoebe: No, someone has to pay for the kid's college tuition, it might as well be me.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Ok, I think I finally found something for Michael.
Jenna: What'd you get him?
Joey (taking adult sized sunglasses out of the bag): I got him these cool sunglasses! Now when he goes outside the sun won't be in his eyes!
Phoebe: Joey! What's the matter with you? Those sunglasses are too big for him and even if you did give them to him he'd break them in a matter of days.
Joey: I can't win with the two of you! (Joey leaves)
Jenna: Should I go help him out?
Phoebe: Why'd you wanna do something like that? Isn't more fun watching Joey make an idiot out of himself?
ROSS & RACHEL'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in their bedroom. Ben is playing a video game and Caitlin's napping)
Ross: What do you want me to do?
Rachel: Haven't you done enough already?
Ross: You know what? I thought you'd be a little more understanding. I thought our relationship was partly based on honesty. If you didn't want me to be honest with you, then you've should have told me before we said "I do".
Rachel: You want honesty? I'll give you honesty!
Ross: That's all I ask.
Rachel: When we were dating the first time, yeah, I developed feelings for Mark after we started working together!
Ross: Maybe we should go back to keeping secrets from one another.
Rachel: You hurt inside now don't you? Well welcome to the club!
Ross: Rachel that was over seven years ago. Sure, it hurts to find out that my suspicion was right from the get go, but I'm the one that wound up with you. That's all that matters to me right now.
Rachel: Well your little crush revelation is a little worse, we're married now! Doesn't the word marriage mean anything to you? To me it means that you stay faithful to your wife!
Ross: Damn it! I did stay faithful to you! I told you what happened because I'm in love with you and I don't want anything to stand in the way of that love! No secrets, no lies, just the truth!
Rachel: Why are you yelling at me? I haven't finished yelling at you.
Ross (calmer): I'm not yelling at you. I'm merely trying to get you to see that I don't want anyone else. I love you. I don't love Julie and I never will. You asked why I'm not hanging out with her anymore and I told you the truth. I didn't want to tell you but I promised you when we got back together that I'd always be honest with you, even if the truth hurts.
(Ben enters the bedroom)
Ben: Is everything ok in here?
Ross: Mommy and I are just talking buddy. We'll be out in a few minutes.
Ben: Could you stop yelling at one another then? Mommy Carol and Mommy Susan yelled at each other and then they split up. I don't want you and Mommy Rachel to split up.
Rachel: We're not splitting up Ben. I love your Daddy too much to do that to you or him. Go back to your game. We'll be out in a few minutes.
Ben: Ok.
(Ben leaves)
Ross: I love you too.
(two minutes of silence)
Rachel: Ok, here's the thing. One, I never developed feelings for Mark when we were dating the first time, I just said that to try to hurt you.
Ross: Well you succeeded.
Rachel: Are you gonna let me finish?
Ross: I'm sorry.
Rachel: You'd better be. (pause) I was just kidding about that. (pause) Two, I was extremely hurt to hear what happened between you and Julie. It's obvious to me now that it's too hard for a man and woman to be just friends. It's different with our group of friends because we've known each other for so long. I also know that you love me very much and that's why you told me what happened and I appreciate hearing the truth. Third, I became very scared when I realized about an hour ago that the shoe could easily be on the other foot. This could've happened to me. It hasn't happened to me yet, but now I know that it might and that scares me. I don't want to lose you again it was too hard the first time. We spent a long time apart because the wounds were so deep but they eventually healed and I realized how crazy I was and still am about you. If we have to tell each other things that might hurt either of us, then that's what we have to do. When we were dating it was hard enough to keep our relationship interesting, it's been even harder as a married couple. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you, I'm glad you admitted to me what happened and it was a minor hiccup in our marriage. We move on from here.
Ross: So I'm forgiven?
Rachel: You never did anything wrong to begin with honey. It just took me a couple of hours and Ben's little speech to realize that.
Ross (hugging Rachel): I love you so much.
Rachel: You better and I'm not kidding around this time. (pause) I love you too.
THE HALLWAY BETWEEN JOEY & PHOEBE'S APARTMENTS (Chandler, Monica and Michael have just come up the stairs)
Monica: Why are we going to Phoebe's again?
Chandler: I forgot Michael's present.
Monica: Why'd you leave Michael's present there in the first place?
Chandler: Because I'm not normal.
Monica: But Phoebe's not even home.
Chandler: That's why she gave me a key.
Monica: Because she knew that you'd forget Michael's present?
Chandler: No because she always invites me over for nooners. (Chandler opens the door to Phoebe's apartment. The lights are off. Chandler turns on the lights and suddenly….)
Group: Surprise!
(Monica is shocked and Michael starts crying)
Monica: Oh my God! (to Michael) It's ok sweetie. They're all here for your birthday.
Ross (to Chandler): I told you a surprise birthday party for Michael wasn't a good idea.
Monica: Mom, Dad, you came!
Mr. Geller: Of course we did. We wouldn't miss our grandson's first birthday.
Mrs. Geller: And the Thompson's canceled on us this morning so we didn't have anything to do today.
Joey (excited): Can Michael open his gifts now? Can he? Can he?
Jenna: Show some manners Joey. They just got here. Go eat a sandwich or something.
Joey: But I've already had five of them.
Jenna: Then go have another.
Monica: Mrs. Bing, what a pleasant surprise.
Mrs. Bing: I wouldn’t miss my grandson's first birthday, and please, don't call me Mrs. Bing.
Monica: I'm sorry. Thanks so much for coming.
Mrs. Bing: My ex-husband would've come but he had something stuck up his butt.
Chandler: Mom!
Mrs. Bing: It's not my fault that he put a foreign object up there.
(Phoebe approaches)
Monica: Pheebs! Thanks so much for throwing this party for Michael!
Phoebe: It was the least I could do.
Chandler: You didn't even do anything, Jenna and I made all the arrangements!
Phoebe: Then why did you just have the party at your flat?
Chandler: It would've been hard to have a surprise birthday party if we'd have had the party at our flat.
Phoebe: Then why are you getting so upset? I said it was the least I could do. (Phoebe walks away)
Chandler (to Monica): It's impossible to understand her even when she speaks English.
(Cut to an hour later. Monica and Michael are getting ready to open Michael's gifts)
Joey: This is so exciting!
Ross: What on earth did you get him?
Joey: You'll see.
Monica: Look Michael, this is from Uncle Ross, Aunt Rachel, Ben and Caitlin.
Michael: Mama.
Monica: Let's see what it is. (opens the card) It's a $200 savings bond. Thanks guys.
Rachel: Sorry about that Mon that's what happens when Ross is in charge of buying presents.
Ross: Yeah, I should get you savings bonds from now on, at least you wouldn't be able to return them.
Rachel: We just stopped fighting, you wanna start again?
Monica: Next we have Grandpa and Grandma Geller. (shaking the gift) What do you think it is Michael?
Joey: Would you hurry up!
Jenna (to Joey): Go to your room.
Joey: But I don't live here.
Jenna: But you live across the hall.
Joey: Ok, I'll behave.
Phoebe (to Jenna): You've really got that boy wrapped around your finger.
Jenna: It's more like having a vise on parts we can't talk about right now.
Monica: Look Michael, big legos!
Chandler: Those are so cool.
Mrs. Bing: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry that I didn't let you play with legos growing up?
Monica: You didn't let him play with legos?
Mrs. Bing: I would've but he was so attached to his penis. That's all that he wanted to play with.
Chandler: Mom!
Monica (reaching for the next gift): Some things never change.
(cut to ten minutes later. There are two gifts left, Joey and Jenna's and Phoebe's)
Monica: Let's see, we've got Phoebe's gift right here.
Joey: No fair, I want ours to be next.
Jenna: You must've been a terror as a child Joey.
Ross: What da ya mean as a child? He still is a child.
Monica: Fine, we'll open Joey and Jenna's gift. (Monica picks up a big box) What'd you do Joey, buy out Toys R Us?
Joey (excited): Just open it!
Monica (pulling out the Knicks jersey): It's an adult sized Knicks jersey. Look Michael, you can wear this in twelve years. (reaching back into the box) Expensive sunglasses with a case, you can wear these in twelve years too. (reaching back into the box) And last but not least, a shoebox. (to Joey) There'd better not be a chick or a duck in this box.
Joey: There isn't though that would've been cool too.
Monica (opening the shoebox): How cute, a pair of baby high-tops! Thanks Joey and Jenna.
Joey: See, he got two gifts that he can use later and a gift for now.
Jenna: When'd you get the high-tops?
Joey: This morning while you were getting ready.
Phoebe: Man, I should've thought of the multiple gift thing. All I got Michael was a gift for later.
Monica: Here's the last present sweetie. It's from your Godmother, Aunt Phoebe. (opening the card then reading it) "To a special little boy on his birthday (opens the card and the check falls to the floor) may your birthday wish come true." (to Phoebe) That's so sweet Phoebe.
Chandler: Ok, thank you all so much for making Michael's birthday special.
Ben: Aunt Monica, I think that thing on the floor goes with Aunt Phoebe's present.
(Monica notices the check on the floor and picks it up. She looks at it)
Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe, we can't take this from you!
Rachel: What'd she do? Buy him an island in the South Pacific?
Phoebe: No, just his first year's college tuition.
Chandler (taking the check to Monica): I didn't realize we were planning on sending him to Yale. Pheebs, this is really generous of you but I don't think Monica or I can accept this from you.
Phoebe: Why not? It's only money.
Ross: You gave Michael a check for a $1,000?
Phoebe: No, $20,000. If I was gonna give him only $1,000 I would've just given him cash. (to Monica and Chandler) I'm not taking the money back. Michael's my Godson and I want him to have something that I've never got, a college education. Consider my gift a down payment towards that goal.
Monica: But Phoebe….
Phoebe: No buts. I want Michael to have it.
Rachel (to Ross): I knew we should've asked Phoebe to be Caitlin's Godmother.
Ross: Forget that, I should've asked Phoebe to marry me instead of you. (Rachel glares at Ross) Just kidding.
CLOSING CREDITS
A DELETED SCENE - PHOEBE'S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Jenna are present)
Jenna: What did you get Michael for his birthday?
Phoebe: Nothing but a card.
Jenna: Just a card?
Phoebe: And a $20,000 check to go along with it.
Jenna: You're kidding me!
Phoebe: No, someone has to pay for the kid's college tuition, I might as well be me.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Ok, I think I finally found something for Michael.
Jenna: What'd you get him?
Joey (taking a box of condoms out of a bag): I got him these ribbed extra-strength condoms! Now when he has sex he'll have safe sex!
Phoebe: Joey! What's the matter with you? The kid is a year old! He's not gonna be having sex for years!
Joey: So he has to wait ten years, at least he'll be prepared.
Jenna: Ten years?
Joey: Well if he's anything like his Uncle Joey he'll be using these by the time he's 11.