Written by:†† Ethan


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


AT A NEWSTAND IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Ross is buying a magazine)


Ross:Do you have the new issue yet Frank?


Frank:Itís right here.You know, youíre the only one who buys this magazine.


Ross:Wow!They put a Dinothere on the cover!Do you know how huge this is?


Frank:No.But Iím afraid youíre gonna tell me.


Ross:You see dinotheres became extinct during the Miocene period.(the camera pans to Frank who is obviously not listening) Dinotheres were elephant like mammals with tusks curving downward from the lower jaw.They didnít even know this particular dinothere existed until two months ago.It was a major discovery.God, I canít believe they put this on the cover.


Frank (sarcastically):Thatís really interesting.Do you want a Penthouse or a Playboy with that?(Ross shakes his head no)Thatíll be $5.50.


Ross:Here you go.See you next month Frank.


Frank:Looking forward to it you freak.†††




CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross are present)


Monica:Whereís Ross Rach?


Rachel:Itís that time of the month.


Joey:I thought that only happened to women.


Chandler:It does Joey, it does.


Phoebe:Speaking of which, do you have a tampon Rach?


Rachel:No.I donít need them right now.


Phoebe (confused):What?How is that possible?


Rachel:Iím pregnant.


Phoebe:That didnít stop me from using them every month.(pause) How about you Mon?


Monica:Here. (hands her one)




Joey (to Phoebe):You mean we canít have sex today?


Phoebe:Donít worry honey, Iíll treat you just right.


Chandler (to Monica):See, Phoebe knows how to satisfy even when she canít do everything.


Monica:Well as soon as you learn to please me every time, you wonít have that problem anymore.


(Ross enters)




Rachel:Did you get it?


Ross:Itís right here.They put a Dinothere on the cover.


Joey:Whatís a Dinothere?


Ross:Itís aÖ..


Rachel (cutting off Ross):Please donít get him started Joey.


Chandler (clapping):Letís hear it for Rachel everyone.


Rachel:Thatís great honey, but thatís not what I meant.Did you get the tickets?


Ross (disappointed):Yeah.I got the tickets.


Monica:Where are you guys going?


Rachel:Ben, Ross and I are going to California to see Brad and Jennifer.


Chandler:I wanna go!I love hanging out with Jennifer!Theyíre better than anyone I hang around here with.(notices Monica is glaring at him)Except my wife and our wonderful friends of course.


Monica:Nice save.††


Chandler:I thought so too.(goes to kiss Monica who turns her head)Obviously it wasnít good enough.


(Phoebe returns)


Phoebe:Hey Dr. Wethead.Whereís Ben?


Ross:Iím so glad that nickname is catching on.


Rachel:Heís spending the day at grandmaís.


Chandler:Carol and Susan are back?


Rachel:No heís at my momís.


Joey:But thatís not Benís grandma.


Ross:Actually it is.


Joey:Man thatís one lucky kid.He has four grandmas and a great godfather.Heís gonna be one spoiled brat.(notices everyone is starting at him)Not that he isnít a great kid already.


Monica:Anyway, when do you guys leave for California?


Rachel:In two days.††


Phoebe:Where are you guys going?


Chandler:Theyíre going to see Brad and Jennifer.


Phoebe:Oh, I am so there!


Ross:You werenít invited Phoebe.


Phoebe:Iím still going.We should all go.


Rachel:But you guys werenít invited!


Phoebe:Great, itís settled.Weíre going to California.


Joey:Led Zeppelin rules!(everyone again stares at Joey) Come on, thatís a great song.


BRAD & JENNIFERíS RESIDENCE (Brad and Jennifer are having an argument)


Brad:You couldíve at least told me that they were coming.I have got an important meeting with my agent today.


Jennifer:Would you stop?I told you two days ago that Ross and Rachel were coming.


Brad:You didnít tell me they were bringing their son.


Jennifer:Itís Rossís son from his first marriage.Heís never been to California.Heís a cute kid, youíll love him.


Brad:You agreed to do this just to blackmail me.You want kids right now and I donít.This is some sinister plan on your part to make me wanna have kids.


Jennifer:Would I do that?


Brad:Yes you would.


Jennifer:The kid is seven, heís not a baby.I bet you that youíll have a blast with Ben.If you donít, I wonít bring up the baby thing for another six months.Deal?


Brad:Prepare to lose your bet.


(The gang, sans Phoebe and Joey, have arrived outside)


Rachel:Now everyone be on their best behavior.Brad and Jen donít know you guys are coming too.


Ross:You didnít call to tell them!


Rachel:I forgot.


Ross:What?You forgot?


Rachel:Yes, I forgot.


Ross:How could you possibly forget?


Rachel:When youíre puking up your dinner, you tend to forget things.


Monica:Sheís got a point there.


Ross:Shut up Mon.


Chandler:Are we just gonna stand out here or are we gonna let them know weíre here?


(Rachel knocks on the door.Jennifer opens it, very surprised to see everyone)


Jennifer (to Rachel):I see everyone found out you and Ross were coming to visit.


Rachel:Yeah, I hope you donít mind.


Jennifer:No, not at all. Thatís why we have fourteen bedrooms.Brad!Brad come help everyone with their stuff.


Monica:Are you sure itís ok Jen?Chandler and I could grab a hotel in Hollywood.


Chandler:Mon, she said itís ok.


Monica:Shut up Chandler!


Jennifer:Really, itís ok.Come on in.


(Brad comes to the door)


Brad:Wow!Youíre all here.And whoís this short little guy?


Ben (cowering behind Ross):Iím Ben.Iím seven.How old are you?


Brad:Iím 37.


Ben:Youíre old.Why do you have such a big house?


Brad:So I can hide from my wife.


Ben:My daddy does the same thing.He hides from Mommy Rachel all the time.


Jennifer:Arenít there two more of you?Where are Phoebe and Joey?


Rachel:Yeah, those two got arrested when they got off the plane.


Jennifer:For what?


Ross:Apparently joining the Mile High Club is illegal now.


Brad:Actually itís always been illegal.


Jennifer:Those two are an item now?


Rachel:If they arenít they shouldnít have been in the bathroom.


Chandler:It also didnít help their case that they fell out of the bathroom completely naked.


Ben: You could see Auntie Phoebeís boobies.




Ben:Iím just telling Brad what I saw!


Monica:Needless to say, Joey and Phoebe will be here as soon as they post bail.


TIME LAPSE (Joey and Phoebe have arrived)


Joey:We wouldíve been here sooner but Phoebe demanded that the police produce all the evidence they had against us.It was humiliating.


Chandler:What was humiliating?


Phoebe:Apparently a passenger videotaped us when we fell out of the bathroom completely naked.


Chandler:And you had a problem with that Joey?You love videotaping your sexual escapades.


Phoebe:It was an 80-year old woman who videotaped the incident.The police brought her to the precinct as a witness.She was running around yelling that she could spot Joeyís penis in a line-up.††††


Joey:Needless to say that the line-up was humiliating.


Jennifer:They made you do it naked?


Joey:You got it.And apparently she fingered me right from the start.According to the record, she kept yelling, thatís the penis, thatís the penis.I could pick that penis out blindfolded! That hag hasnít seen a healthy penis in 40 years!


Brad:No wonder she picked you out so easily.


Jennifer:Well itís late, Iím off to bed.Donít forget, we leave for Disneyland at 7:30.


Monica:Iím hitting the hay too.Letís go Chandler.


Chandler:But Iím not tired!


Monica:Yes you are!


Chandler (threatened):Oh right, Iím totally beat.


Rachel:Ready to go to bed Ross?




Phoebe:What do you wanna do Joey?


Joey:Letís go to bed.


Phoebe:Didnít get enough of me on the plane?


Joey:No, it was the cab ride that wore me out.


DISNEYLAND (The gang has arrived)


Rachel:Ok, before we go in we have to set some ground rules.


Chandler:I thought that was Monicaís job.(Monica hits Chandler in the stomach)Hey that hurt!


Rachel:Since everyone wants to do there own thing, weíre gonna meet in front of Space Mountain at noon for lunch.


Joey:Whereís Itís A Small World?


Jennifer:In your pants.


Phoebe (to Joey):She must have been at your lineup last night.


Joey:You werenít complaining on the plane, in the cab or in the kitchen last night.


Ross:Phoebe and Joey knock it off.Thereís a little one present.


Jennifer:Yeah, itís in Joeyís pants.




Jennifer:Sorry, got carried away.


Monica:Can we go now?


Rachel:Yes, and remember, meet at Space Mountain at noon.


(Monica and Chandler run off in one direction and Phoebe and Joey the other leaving Brad, Jennifer, Ross, Rachel and Ben standing there.)


Ben:Can we go on some rides now?


Brad (to Ben):Do you wanna ride Space Mountain?




Brad:Letís go!(Brad takes Benís hand and walks off)


Ross:Great Iím stuck with the ladies again.


Rachel:Oh honey, you can ride Space Mountain with Brad and Ben.


Ross:I donít want to.


Jennifer:Why not?Are you afraid of heights or something?


Ross:No, I just had a bad experience once before.


Rachel (bursting into laughter):I totally forgot about that.


Ross:Whatís so funny?You donít know anything about it.


Jennifer:He threw up?


Rachel:No, he crapped in his pants!


Jennifer:He did?How old were you?Four?


Rachel:He was 22!††††††††

Jennifer:That has to be the funniest thing Iíve ever heard.


Ross:I had food poisoning!Iím going to, to, toÖ.Iím leaving.


(Ross walks away in a huff)


Jennifer:Poor guy, were we too hard on him?


Rachel:Heíll be fine.Besides, he was walking over toward the restroom.


Jennifer:He must be having flashbacks already.So do you wanna hit Space Mountain?


Rachel:Iíd love to but I canít.


Jennifer:Why not?Are you pregnant or something?


Rachel:Actually I am.


Jennifer:Oh my God!Why didnít you tell me on the phone?


Rachel:I wanted to surprise you.Surprise!


Jennifer:This is so great!Iím so happy for you!How far along are you?


Rachel:About six weeks.


Jennifer:How about we go to Pirates of the Caribbean?We could talk on the ride.


Rachel: Lead the way.


DISNEYLAND Ė SPACE MOUNTAIN RIDE (Brad and Ben are exiting the ride)


Ben:That was awesome.Can we do it again?


Brad:You wanna go again?Weíve already been three times.Donít you wanna ride the Matterhorn.


Ben:Please Uncle Brad?


Brad:Letís go again.(to himself)I should have never had that big breakfast.††


DISNEYLAND Ė SKYWAY RIDE (Phoebe and Joey are riding high across the park)


Joey:Iím bored.


Phoebe:How can you say that?Weíre at the best amusement park in the world!


Joey:Then how come you dragged me onto this ride?Itís slow, high in the air, and thereís nothing to do but sit and watch the people on the ground.


Phoebe:I know how can could have fun.


Joey (getting excited):Are we bungee jump off this ride?




Joey:Forget it then, Iím gonna take a nap.


Phoebe:How about we get naked?


Joey:And get caught again?I donít think so.


Phoebe:Thereís no way theyíre gonna catch us.Weíre ten stories in the air.Itís not like they got video cameras up here.


Joey (excited):Then what are you waiting for?!Letís get naked!


DISNEYLAND Ė ITíS A SMALL WORLD (Chandler and Monica are present)


Chandler:And right over there is where Ross and Carol got caught.




Chandler:No I made it up. (Monica hits him)But hey, I do know that this is the ride that they got off of and had sex behind the scenes.


Monica:You wanna do that too?


Chandler:Are you crazy?!Ross and Carol got kicked out!


Monica:I was just kidding.


Chandler:Really, cause I was totally there.


DISNEYLAND Ė PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN RIDE (Jennifer and Rachel are present)


Jennifer:How did it happen?


Rachel:Well Ross stuck his log in the flumeÖ.


Jennifer:I realize that Rach.I am familiar with how to have sex.Was it a romantic evening or just a wham bam thank you maíam moment?


Rachel:Iím not really sure.We did it so much after we got married that I have no clue as to what specific time did the trick.


Jennifer:So you were doing it like 4 times a day?


Rachel:Pretty much.Sometimes we got up to 6 times a day.


Jennifer:Thatís like rabbit territory.Anyway, I think itís great.Do you guys have a name for the baby yet?


Rachel:No.Though I really like the name Caitlin if itís a girl and Brady if itís a boy.


Jennifer:What does Ross want to name the baby?


Rachel:Does it matter?


Jennifer:I guess not.(pause)I really want a baby but Brad doesnít want kids right now.


Rachel:What about your career?


Jennifer:I figured I could take some time off, itís not like we need the money.


Rachel:Donít worry, Brad will come around.†††


Jennifer:Actually I have a bet with him.




Jennifer:If after Brad spends this time with your stepson and he still doesnít want to have kids, well then I agreed to drop the whole kids thing for six months.


Rachel:But what if he has fun with Ben?


Jennifer:Then the baby-making sessions begin.


Rachel:That doesnít sound like a fair bet.




Rachel:That doesnít sound like a fair bet for him.Ben is an absolute blast.


Jennifer:You think Iíd make a bet that I knew I couldnít win?


DISNEYLAND Ė SOUVENIR SHOP (Ross is browsing for a souvenir for Ben)


Ross (VO):They donít have any good souvenirs.This place is nothing like Dino Kingdom in New York.At least there they have good souvenirs.All they have here are a bunch of Mickey Mouse crap.Mickey Mouse would get eaten alive by a dinosaur.


Woman (approaching Ross):Ross?


Ross (not turning around):Iím still busy being mad at you Rach.


Woman (touching Ross on the shoulder):Ross? Itís me, Julie.

Ross:Oh my God!Julie.Itís Julie everybody.Wow!Like what are you doing here?


Julie:Iím here with my nieces and nephews.What are you doing here?


Ross:The whole gang decided to take a trip to California to visit some friends and we decided to come to Disneyland for the day.


Julie:Who did you marry?




Julie:You have a wedding ring on your left hand, who did you marry?


Ross:Donít you mean whom?


Julie:I see you havenít changed.Whom did you marry?




Julie:Oh.I guess I shouldíve seen that one coming.So how long has it been?


Ross:Three months.


Julie:You guys dated for six years before you got married?


Ross:No.We broke up after one year and got back together a year and a half ago.


Julie:Whyíd you break up the first time?


Ross:I really donít want to talk about it.


Julie:Oh, ok.


Ross:I slept with another woman.


Julie:I see you graduated from kissing another woman.




Julie:My attempt at humor.You kissed Rachel while we were still together.


Ross:And Iím still very sorry for that.


Julie:Donít feel bad, you taking that vase up side the head helped me a lot.


Ross:Yeah, I had a headache for three days after that.(pause)Ah, Iím really hungry, do you wanna get some lunch?


Julie:I donít know if we should.


Ross:Why not?


Julie:What if Rachel found out?


Ross:Why would she care, weíre married.


Julie:Ah, but Rachel doesnít like me all that much.


Ross:Itís ok, I donít like too much right now either.




Ross:Iím kidding.She wonít mind at all.So do you wanna grab some lunch or not?


Julie:Ok.Lunch sounds good.Thereís a taco place right over there, how does that sound?


Ross:No, thatís no good.The last time I had tacos here I got food poisoning.How Ďbout a burger or something?


Julie:Thatís fine.Did you puke up your tacos on a ride or something?


Ross:Something like that.


Julie:You crapped your pants, didnít you?!




Julie:Oh my god!You crapped your pants!


DISNEYLAND Ė IN FRONT OF SPACE MOUNTAIN (Lunch time. Jennifer and Rachel are waiting for everyone.)


Rachel:What time is it?


Jennifer:Itís ten after twelve.


Rachel:No oneís gonna show.


Jennifer:If Brad knows whatís good for him, he and Ben will show.


Rachel:You could say the same thing for Ross.


(Brad and Ben exit Space Mountain)


Ben:Can we go again Uncle Brad?


Brad:No Ben, we have to meet your Mommy and Auntie Jennifer.


Ben:But I wanna go on the ride again.


Brad:We canít Ben, Iím sorry.


Ben:Can we go after lunch?


Brad:Sure Ben, what ever you want.


(Brad and Ben approach Jennifer and Rachel)


Brad:Hey, sorry weíre a little late, Ben wanted to go on Space Mountain again.


Jennifer:So are you guys having fun?Have you been on tons of rides Ben?


Ben:No, just Space Mountain.


Rachel:You havenít gone on any other rides Ben?


Brad:No weíve been on Space Mountain over and over again all morning.


(Monica and Chandler approach)


Rachel:Where have you guys been?Itís 12:15!


Chandler:We wouldíve been here on time but I forgot my watch and Monica was in charge of telling time.


Rachel:Oh, that explains everything.


Monica:Hey, in my defense I thought it was noon forty-five minutes ago.


Chandler:Yes, 11:30 looks a lot like noon on a watch!


Monica:Hey, I thought it was 6:00 at first but then I realized that was wrong.But the little hand was almost on the 12, so I thought it was noon.


Rachel:Itís ok Mon, youíre here now.††


Chandler:Whereís Ross?


Rachel:I donít know but heís starting to piss me off.


(cut to Mickeyís Burgers)


Julie:Itís great seeing you again.


Ross:Itís great to see you too.We had a lot of fun together when we were dating.


Julie:Yeah, itís too bad you were in love with someone else.


Ross:Again, Iím truly sorry for that.


(cut to in front of Space Mountain)


Monica:No sign of Phoebe and Joey?


Rachel:No.Though I expected them to be no-shows.




Chandler:Because theyíre Phoebe and Joey.






Joey:You and your great ideas!


Phoebe:Hey donít blame me, I didnít now there were security cameras.


Joey:We are never having sex in public again!


Phoebe:What time is it?


Joey:Itís 12:20.


Phoebe:We were supposed to meet everyone at noon for lunch.


Joey:Well thanks to you thatís not gonna happen.Man, Iím so hungry!This is screwing up my eating schedule!


Phoebe:Itís not my fault!


Joey:Yes.Yes it is your fault!


Phoebe: Eat me!


Joey:Thatís why weíre in here!