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[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]

Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?

Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.

Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about, well uh, this one is large. And this one, (Grabs the other hand.)

Joshua: Also large?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!

Joshua: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know, well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, De Fladermouse, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?

Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!

Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.

Rachel: Me, Fladermouse, great. I really (motions to Joshua.)

Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.

Joshua: So ... (Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")

Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)

Joshua: Gloves?

Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!

Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?

Rachel: No! Nothing!

Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?

Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!

Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?

Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess I ...

Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.

Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!

Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?

Rachel: What?

Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, De Fladermouse.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.

Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.

Rachel: Oh yay!

. . .

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So ... What are you gonna do?

Monica: I don’t know sweetie.

Rachel: No! Help me!

Monica: I can’t! I have to work!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is - I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?

Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.

Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So ...

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: I think she’s here.

Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!

Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.

Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!

Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)

Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?

Ross: All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.

Emily: Thank goodness.

Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So ...

Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.

Rachel: Oh well, no I ...

Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.

Monica: I-I-I think you look great.

Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)

(Pause)

Rachel: I’ll get her.

Ross: Please hurry.

Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!

. . .

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast. Rachel enters]

Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

Monica: So you hit her in the face?

Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.

Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.

Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!

Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!

Monica: Oh-oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, can I just…

Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?

Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!

Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?

Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!

Phoebe: What? Oh my God!

Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily (realises) noooo!!

Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)

Chandler: Ow!

Rachel: How-how did he end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)

Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.

[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]

Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.

Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!

Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)

[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]

Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)

Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?

Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that, y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!

Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every ... little ... thing!! (Storms out.)

Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?

Monica: A couple of days.

. . .

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross.] (Ross enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey, ooh so, how was Vermont?

Ross: Emily is ... incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hey!

Ross: Hey! You were so right!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.

Rachel: Oh, hmm.

Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy ...

Rachel: Joshua.

Ross: Joshua ... guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda ... y’know.

Rachel: Yeah, I ...

Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!

Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!

Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)

Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)

Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)

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Last updated: 9/6/99