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TOW All the Jealousy

Prev: TOW Princess Leia |  Scenes Menu  |  Next: TOW the Anniversary Dinner

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day.]

RACHEL: (running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes?

CHAN: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress.

RACHEL: (to Ross) Tell him.

ROSS: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!

CHAN: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

ROSS: Why?

CHAN: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.

ROSS: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.

CHAN: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?

ROSS: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)

PHOEBE: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses!

CHAN: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.

RACHEL: (running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

ROSS: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?

RACHEL: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.

ROSS: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?

RACHEL: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?

PHOEBE: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it.


CHAN: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?

ROSS: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?

CHAN: Well apparently Albert no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.

PHOEBE: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich. Why don't you get a magician?!

CHAN: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right.

. . . . .

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone.]

ROSS: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?

CHAN: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't cry out loud.

JOEY: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?

CHAN: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.

JOEY: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.

ROSS: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

JOEY: Who?

CHAN: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

JOEY: The what?

CHAN: The abridgment.

JOEY: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?

[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]

MARK: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?

RACHEL: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?

MARK: Twenty percent.

RACHEL: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Wow! My first call.

MARK: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?

ROSS: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?

MARK: And who may I say is calling?

ROSS: This is Ross?

MARK: Ross of.....

ROSS: Of Ross and Rachel.

MARK: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.

ROSS: Oh hey, hey Mark.

MARK: Hey, hold on a second.

ROSS: Okay.

RACHEL: Hi honey!

ROSS: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?

RACHEL: Oh, he's just goofing around.

ROSS: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?

RACHEL: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.

ROSS: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?

RACHEL: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you!

ROSS: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)

RACHEL: Ow! Ross!!

ROSS: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. (hangs up)

. . . . .

[Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her.]

MARK: (reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story)

MARK: Wh-what's that?

ROSS: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.

MARK: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic.

MAN: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?


MAN: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...

Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss.

The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.

Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...

The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.

Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!
. . . . .

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]

ROSS: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

RACHEL: All right Ross!! I get it!!

ROSS: I mean my God...

RACHEL: You're hurt!

ROSS: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!

RACHEL: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

ROSS: I would never do that!

RACHEL: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.

ROSS: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]

JOEY: Mark's a genius!

ROSS: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?

CHAN: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.

ROSS: What am I going to do?

CHAN: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.

ROSS: I don't know you guys.

CHAN: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'

JOEY: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'

CHAN: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?

[Scene: Rachel's office.]

WOMAN: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December.

MARK: (turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (kisses her)

WOMAN: Mark!!

MARK: It's okay, Rachel knows.

WOMAN: Yeah, but even soo.

(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)

MARK: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.

RACHEL: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)

(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)

MARK: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me.

(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)

ROSS: Alright that's, that's it!! Get off her!

MARK: What is going on?

ROSS: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at him) That's what's going on!!

RACHEL: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!

(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)

ROSS: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)

. . . . .

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there.]

RACHEL: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?

CHAN: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?

RACHEL: Right.

CHAN: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)

ROSS: (entering) Hi.

RACHEL: Hello.

CHAN: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

ROSS: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.

RACHEL: A big idiot.

ROSS: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.

(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)

RACHEL: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?

ROSS: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.

Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!

RACHEL: Honey, that's sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)

ROSS: I gotta get going. Bye Chan.

CHAN: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kind of getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?

RACHEL: Where ya going?

ROSS: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.

RACHEL: Ohh, with who?

ROSS: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.

RACHEL: There was a woman at the... (realizes) The stripper?!

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: You have a play date with a stripper?!

CHAN: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the pen and starts laughing)

ROSS: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?

RACHEL: Sure, is she married?

ROSS: Ahh, no.

RACHEL: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)

ROSS: Are you jealous?

RACHEL: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own?

ROSS: You are totally jealous.

RACHEL: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I...

ROSS: Honey, I love you too.

RACHEL: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait.

ROSS: What?

(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.)

ROSS: Huh.

RACHEL: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.

CHAN: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Prev: TOW Princess Leia |  Scenes Menu  |  Next: TOW the Anniversary Dinner


Last updated: 9/6/99